Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 7

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

I'm finishing up the critique marathon with two more as the mentor blog hop starts on Wednesday!  

The query without my notes:

SKALDSDOTTIR'S SAGA follows the story of two exiled viking lovers, Wytha and Lae, as they traverse a haunted forest searching for a bounty that will convince their leader to pardon them. The novel combines the fast pace of Bernard Cornwell's The Last Kingdom series with the dark, quirky humour, and uncanny mystery of Twin Peaks. Complete at 123 000 words, Skaldsdottir's Saga is set in a world based on pre-Christian Scandinavia, and is told from three perspectives. [INSERT PERSONALIZATION]

The road home is paved with poor decisions.

Wytha Childkiller's first was committing the crime that got her exiled, but she'll be damned if she'll share the details of what she did with anyone, even her lover, Laeaflaetha. Now stripped of ship, titles, wealth, and homeland, Wytha, Lae, and the motley band of misfits who follow them, must find a gift worthy of their chieftan's forgiveness, or be landlocked forever.

The search for a gift leads Wytha and Lae into the heart of a dense wood, where the stories Wytha learned at her uncle's knee are no mere legends. After capturing a princely hostage the group travels homeward, but along the way Wytha's band is attacked by spectral barrow-wights called draugr. Black as night's own shadow, long-limbed and faceless, the draugr can separate skin from bone with a touch, and send one of Wytha's men into a slumber from which he cannot wake.

Seeking someone with the knowledge to cure their friend, Wytha and the others enlist the help of a mad widow who claims to know a path through the woods, but as danger continues to dog them in the form of the draugr, Wytha questions whether one of her own people may be summoning the spirits.

I wrote this novel after my research into the Viking world showed evidence of diverse populations nowhere near as homogeneous as may be expected. As a trans author, I am always in search of stories that feature incidental rather than forced diversity, and SKALDSDOTTIR’S SAGA was written in the spirit of illuminating and reclaiming queer history.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

And with my crazy notes:

SKALDSDOTTIR'S SAGA follows the story of two exiled viking lovers, Wytha and Lae, as they traverse a haunted forest searching for a bounty that will convince their leader to pardon them. (Again totally subjective, but I'm not a fan of telling about the story in the genre/word count paragraph. It just doesn't feel like the place for it. I would certainly skim it in a contest. You can get in that this is a Viking story in one of the sentences below. Everything else is covered in your other paragraphs.)The novel combines the fast pace of Bernard Cornwell's The Last Kingdom series with the dark, quirky humour, and uncanny mystery of Twin Peaks. Complete at 123,000 (Right at the top of the word count for adult fantasy. Which brings me to another problem: where's the genre?) words, Skaldsdottir's Saga(Capitalize and italic every time you use your title.) is set in a world based on pre-Christian Scandinavia, and is told from three perspectives(Good to know.) . [INSERT PERSONALIZATION]

The road home is paved with poor decisions. (Interesting.)

Wytha Childkiller's first was committing the crime that got her exiled, but she'll be damned (good character personality) if she'll share the details of what she did with anyone, even her lover, Laeaflaetha. Now stripped of ship, titles, wealth, and homeland, Wytha, Lae, and the motley band of misfits who follow them, must find a gift worthy of their chieftan's forgiveness, or be landlocked forever. (I'm intrigued. We've got a unique obstacle and motivation. The setting is different than the usual story.)

The search for a gift leads Wytha and Lae into the heart of a dense wood, where the stories (I would give a taste of what kind of stories. Horror stories? For me, this falls a little flat. It's missing a sense of danger.) Wytha learned at her uncle's knee are no mere legends. After capturing a princely hostage (from another tribe? what sort of hostage?) the group travels homeward, but along the way Wytha's band is attacked by spectral barrow-wights called draugr. Black as night's own shadow, long-limbed and faceless, the draugr can separate skin from bone with a touch, and sendsends one of Wytha's men into a slumber from which he cannot wake. (Good stuff. But I'm wondering about danger to their hostage. Maybe work in that Wytha fears losing the gift she went to so much trouble to procure. That would take this back around to the wider story.)

Seeking someone with the knowledge to cure their friend, Wytha and the others enlist the help of a mad widow who claims to know a path through the woods, but as danger continues to dog them in the form of the draugr, Wytha questions whether one of her own people may be summoning the spirits. (Good, you have escalation. But you are missing the choice Wytha must make and what happens if she fails here at the end. And that's one long-ass sentence. You might break it up because when someone's been reading a lot of queries long sentences can get fuzzy.)

I wrote this novel after my research into the Viking world showed evidence of diverse populations diversity, the population nowhere near as homogeneous as may be expected. (Something off about this sentence. I think you need to rephrase.)   As a trans author, I am always in search of stories that feature incidental rather than forced diversity., and SKALDSDOTTIR’S SAGA was written in the spirit of illuminating and reclaiming queer history. (So is this ownvoices? You are hurting your cause if it is and you don't claim it. And still no genre? That's a problem.)

Thank you for your time and consideration, (My idea of the perfect closing.)

There's a lot to like in this query for me. It's got the lots of unique touches and world building. There's a sense of character personality, including stubbornness. The motivation is clear.

Make sure you connect how being attacked in the forest comes back to their larger quest. Perhaps by using the threat to their hostage. And clear up the character choice and what will happen if she fails. Also don't forget to list the genre somewhere. 

Good luck!