tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post3182778910034274004..comments2024-03-26T01:28:27.414-04:00Comments on It's In The Details: Fall Query Extravaganza 10Michelle 4 Laughshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-14849063136505267402013-11-17T06:11:50.716-05:002013-11-17T06:11:50.716-05:00This query got an offer, yet it got so many commen...This query got an offer, yet it got so many comments. Spider sense tingling. :)<br />Nice query BTW.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02107550063893335107noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-41498465605155933102013-11-14T22:39:01.217-05:002013-11-14T22:39:01.217-05:00First of all, nice work! It's tough to get voi...First of all, nice work! It's tough to get voice into a query when at the same time you're trying to give us all the information we need. Well done. I agree the the last sentence at the end of the second paragraph is too long, so maybe shorten/break it up like Michelle suggests. This might just be me: when we meet Ky in the third paragraph, I thought the "country singer, minus the lyrics" was hyperbole for some reason, but when I read back over it, I caught the "muse" reference and am now thinking it means he really is a country singer and Callie is the one who can finally inspire the words for his music. If that's so, maybe state it outright, since that's very romantic : ) <br /><br />So awesome to hear about your offer! Congrats! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08273342434751766674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-30733772279992104992013-11-14T21:02:15.825-05:002013-11-14T21:02:15.825-05:00I like that you introduce both characters, but I w...I like that you introduce both characters, but I wonder if your MS is told from two perspectives. If so, I'm reading the query as though Callie is telling us about herself and Ky is telling us about himself. If this is right, would the characters describe themselves the way you describe them? Would Ky call himself a waste? Would Callie call herself quirky and use alas and crap in the same sentence?<br /><br />I want to know more about the story itself. You spend a lot of time introducing the characters, but I want to know what they experience. The plot sounds like it's driven by her sister's wedding and the romance between Callie and Ky, but what else happens?<br /><br />I agree with the other comments when it comes to the tennis shoes, long sentence, and penis part. I get that tennis shoes are a regional term (some people call them tennis shoes, some sneakers, some gym shoes, etc.) but are the tennis shoes an important part of the story? If they aren't important, I'd ditch them for the query. I think the others have good suggests for that one long, confusing sentence. As for the penis part, I too don't get...but I don't read much NA/romance so that might be why.<br /><br />You're obviously seeking representation for your MS since you're querying agents, so leave that out.<br /><br />As for the "Finding Her Way Back may appeal to readers who" sentence, go definite. It WILL appeal. You believe, they believe (hopefully). Also, can you include an example or two of novels that are similar to yours? I'm also querying agents, so I may not be right about this, but I've heard they like examples.<br /><br />I hope this helps. Congrats on the offer and good luck to you!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15938705968868551728noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-31001941379347868992013-11-14T19:25:37.448-05:002013-11-14T19:25:37.448-05:00Not really sure what the tennis shoes have to do w...Not really sure what the tennis shoes have to do with anything…though they do add to the voice. <br /><br />Last sentence of the second paragraph gets me… Too long and too many dashes. <br />I <br />like the description of Ky. I think it get the perfect picture of him. I’m not sure about the penis description, but…that’s just me. And I’m not sure (Underline, italicize and bold that statement) about having two perspectives in a query either.<br /><br />“But what do you do when life isn’t giving you what you demand of it? Well, you steal its running shoes, grab the girl of your four year long dreams, and take what’s been meant for you all along.” <br />You might be able to put that better.<br /><br />Do be careful not to praise your book too much. It can get very dangerous…<br /><br />Overall, I think it’s pretty good.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-63827435962445492672013-11-14T16:07:59.338-05:002013-11-14T16:07:59.338-05:00I love the voice that comes through with the query...I love the voice that comes through with the query! I also did not understand the line about the cement or the significance of the running shoes. I really like this sentence: It's just too bad Callie can't stop running away long enough to realize what she needs, (maybe a dash) is him. And I think a dash would work well there.<br /><br />Congrats on the offer!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-35189811744638659292013-11-14T15:59:32.190-05:002013-11-14T15:59:32.190-05:00Love the voice - it says quirky without having to ...Love the voice - it says quirky without having to use the word. <br /><br />The two paragraphs about Callie and Ky are good but maybe too much thrown in, for example "A boy turned man with a proverbial skateboard still hung around his neck from high school days gone bad." probably could be eliminated. The first sentence does a fine job of giving a feel for Ky. I would maybe just try to tighten a little more. <br /><br />Overall love the story concept and good luck.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06102729399220944842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-60088378974782427562013-11-14T15:30:07.278-05:002013-11-14T15:30:07.278-05:00I love the voice in this query! I agree with most ...I love the voice in this query! I agree with most of what Michelle and wendynikel said. :) I personally don't mind the "Meet _____," especially since it's equal for both, BUT Michelle's suggestion is stronger. On that note, some words, like "quirky" don't really tell us much. It's so subjective, and you do a better job at showing us in the part that precedes it. <br /><br />I was a little confused with this sentence: "With a set of upcoming nuptials from hell on the horizon, for her she–devil, sister Anna, Callie is put on a strict regimen of do this do that, while relentlessly trying to avoid her once skinny–skater–boy, turned sex–god, ex best friend, Ky." And I think it boils down to it being a mouthful. I had to re-read it a couple times to get it.<br /><br />And I didn't know what this meant, either: "But the moment Calla Lily returns home––with cemented penis in hand."<br /><br />I loved this part: "But what do you do when life isn’t giving you what you demand of it? Well, you steal its running shoes, grab the girl of your four-year-long dreams, and take what’s been meant for you all along. (yes, use hyphens)<br /><br />Well, that’s Ky’s theory anyway.<br />It's just too bad Callie can't stop running away long enough to realize what she needs, is him.<br /><br />Good luck with this!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-55354572343848348902013-11-14T08:13:50.513-05:002013-11-14T08:13:50.513-05:00I don't know a lot about the romance genre, so...I don't know a lot about the romance genre, so take this with a grain of salt!<br /><br />"quirky" - This is one of those words that I find really overused, especially in YA & NA. I don't know if this means that she wears socks with her sandals, or that she keeps a pet alligator, so I'd probably cut this and try to show her quirkiness though the voice or examples you use<br /><br />"love/hate relationship with her tennis shoes" - Is this mean to imply that she plays tennis? Or other sports? Runs (you mention running a couple times later -- maybe use "running shoes" then?)? Or just that she doesn't like any shoes at all? I'm not really sure to make of this phrase, so it doesn't really help me get a picture of her.<br /><br />"Three of which are" -- cut out the "of which"<br /><br /><br />Sounds like it's a fun story! Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-2540093094311225802013-11-14T06:29:30.408-05:002013-11-14T06:29:30.408-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00627753507423390187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-50733587149901956632013-11-14T06:26:53.508-05:002013-11-14T06:26:53.508-05:00In realize queries are subjective, but for me, thi...In realize queries are subjective, but for me, this one did nothing except tell me Carrie dislikes her life. I do agree the voice comes through even if its a voice I personally don't like. I do see promise that the writing in the story is good. Best of luck.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00627753507423390187noreply@blogger.com