tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post3460639333866314101..comments2024-03-26T01:28:27.414-04:00Comments on It's In The Details: QK Round 4 Match 3: Don't Mess with an Assassin Mom vs. GG: Found FamilyMichelle 4 Laughshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-7164654674966382542018-06-25T17:40:56.386-04:002018-06-25T17:40:56.386-04:00So happy to see you both still here! I love both o...So happy to see you both still here! I love both of these queries.<br /><br />ASSASSIN MOM: my only lingering concern about your query is the sentence where you lay out the stakes. By saying she WILL risk her new family, you make her immediately less likeable, as if she'd just throw her family by the wayside. Now, if you frame it like she may have to make the choice to risk her family to save her son, that ramps the tension right up.<br /><br />FOUND FAMILY: I like what you've done tightening this up. I love the idea of this rag tag group of people coming together and forming a family around their passion. I do wonder, though, if you'll have a tough time selling a 14yo MC in today's YA market. It's become an older market the past few years, and younger MCs haven't been selling.<br /><br />Another super tough decision, but the victory goes to ASSASSIN MOMPrincess Falafelnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-3377900886860687442018-06-25T17:36:24.804-04:002018-06-25T17:36:24.804-04:00DON'T MESS WITH AN ASSASSIN MOM:
Great query! ...DON'T MESS WITH AN ASSASSIN MOM:<br />Great query! I'd tell the genre in the query; I'm guessing it's either thriller or suspense. And you might want to reduce your number of comps. But the voice is great, and I can feel the tension. If I saw a blurb like this on the back of a book in the library, it would definitely get my attention, in a good way.<br /><br />Your first page has improved. I'd still tighten it a little more and watch out for filtering. However, I like the imagery.<br /><br />GG FOUND FAMILY<br />I don't even know if I have anything to suggest, because I love your query so much now. It's a huge improvement from before. The part about the teammates' fiercest opponents being themselves is awesome.<br /><br />Your first page is also great. I like the imagery. I find it ironic that the character himself is admiring the sensory detail of the game, and sensory detail is also what makes this a good first page.<br /><br />VICTORY TO GG: FOUND FAMILYTo The Sword 159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-18179450424134961562018-06-25T13:16:45.435-04:002018-06-25T13:16:45.435-04:00ASSASSIN MOM has a bit of a Blacklist meets John W...ASSASSIN MOM has a bit of a Blacklist meets John Wick kind of feel that I find super engaging. Babyface is going to have a ton of challenges and struggles in this book as her old identity comes caving in on her new one. She's an interesting character, and one I haven't seen before. I wondered about the timeline as I read this. The line about her being one of the most prolific and mysterious killers made me think she'd been in that career for a while, and we also know seventeen years has passed since her retirement--so the prolific bit doesn't really fit the bill for me, more like rising star?<br /><br />FOUND FAMILY is a new kind of sports novel, featuring a team of societal cast outs coming together to try and forge a pro eSports team. This one is bound to appeal to gamers and anyone who ever dreamed of achieving the highest level of competition. For me, Sai's struggles in this query seemed more general than specific however--focused on his social anxiety without providing too many plot specific examples of how it comes into play. I really would've liked to see one or two areas in which he was challenged in more specific detail.<br /><br />VICTORY TO ASSASSIN MOMGallowspidernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-4312910654050847422018-06-25T12:08:27.065-04:002018-06-25T12:08:27.065-04:00This is the type of matchup we get late in this co...This is the type of matchup we get late in this contest that I hate...it's so hard to compare across widely different genres. Bottom line, I really like Assassin Mom, and I love me some John Wick, so that's how I'm voting. And when this gets an agent and is on sale, you should definitely hit me up, because I want to read it.<br /><br />VICTORY TO ASSASSIN MOMNo one of consequencenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-91820238956424061722018-06-25T11:58:32.699-04:002018-06-25T11:58:32.699-04:00Haven't seen either of these before - great!
...Haven't seen either of these before - great!<br /><br />ASSASSIN MOM: Love this, I get some TAKEN vibes from this idea, too. Which is awesome. Be careful on the framing language in your first 250 ("I knew" twice in a row, try to edit that out I think) Otherwise, very cool. I can see the scene unraveling very vividly.<br /><br />FOUND FAMILY: Getting some WARCROSS vibes here, which was a book I really liked. Love the idea of the drama outside of the game also impacting how they play the game. I would wonder why the wordcount is on the lower side with the sci-fi, though. Also, one option to consider: you can ground us in the virtual world a bit first without breaking the illusion of it being virtual. I like the real/virtual being side-by-side, but that might help the reader immersive and invest more in the virtual world. (Or, vice-versa, ground us in the real world first and then introduce the virtual one.) It is a little hard to learn bits of both right away (at least for me). <br /><br />Both are super intriguing and well-written. I just have to go with the one I think it a bit closer:<br /><br />VICTORY TO ASSASSIN MOM!Wonder Womannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-8512919912897725212018-06-25T10:54:21.587-04:002018-06-25T10:54:21.587-04:00Both you have improved your queries since I saw th...Both you have improved your queries since I saw them in the first round, both feel more streamlined. <br /><br />ASSASSIN MOM, I still think the first line of your last paragraph is redundant, as we already get a sense of MaryBeth's internal stakes from the rest of your query. <br /><br />FOUND FAMILY, I like that you took out some characters and focus more on Psy in the 250, but it still feels a little rushed. Especially in the first paragraph, I'd like to sink into the moment and feel some tension, like there's an equal chance the crime lord might kill him or hire him. <br /><br />Victory to ASSASSIN MOM!jennyanydotsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-12285401751698002932018-06-25T10:29:06.414-04:002018-06-25T10:29:06.414-04:00Oh Wow. I'm glad to see these two still in the...Oh Wow. I'm glad to see these two still in the Combat, but it's so hard to choose! Both have great voice, I would read both of these! I am concerned about the work count in found family, as I think it's a little low for the genre. It's a tough call, but one of the first pages was just a bit more polished. <br /><br />Victory to ASSASSIN MOM!The Red Cardigannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-14528683623171634202018-06-25T10:20:47.935-04:002018-06-25T10:20:47.935-04:00These have both become much tighter and clearer. G...These have both become much tighter and clearer. Great job, writers! <br /><br />ASSASSIN MOM: One small thing, I'd make the last line of the query more of a tease about her choice. I.e. Now she must decide if she will risk her new family etc. <br /><br />FOUND FAMILY: Some great imagery in terms of comparing his world on the outside vs in the game. I think you can even go further and put us in the moment, i.e. show don't tell how he pushed aside the cold oatmeal congealing in the bowl. Go deeper and make us feel for him.<br /><br />Congrats again, writers, but VICTORY TO ASSASSIN MOMGood Janetnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-54083175555232756882018-06-25T09:08:26.638-04:002018-06-25T09:08:26.638-04:00Don't Mess with an Assassin Mom
Query: I haven...Don't Mess with an Assassin Mom<br />Query: I haven’t seen your query/excerpt before, but wow, that second line. I wonder if you’d have even greater impact if you incorporated it into your first line hook. Otherwise, I believe you could increase your stakes if you could hint at how she plans to save her son, rather than telling us she can and will. But, if I was an agent, I’d definitely jump to your pages after this query.<br />First 250: I enjoyed the set up on page one. Great hook at the end. <br /><br />GG: Found Family<br />Query: I think you could insert “those LACK OF social skills” in your second paragraph. You have a solid query, but you lose Sai a bit when the focus switches to the team. Consider tweaking to show the stakes from Sai’s pov.<br />First 250: I’m confused by the switch from Sai in the query to Psy in the first 250. Is your story told in multi pov? Otherwise, this is strong. Your descriptions are fantastic and pulled me into the scene. <br /><br />Voting time! This is always the hardest part of judging in QueryKombat, because the entries are excellent. <br /><br />Victory to: DON’T MESS WITH AN ASSASSIN MOM<br />Gingernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-5198430032672189152018-06-25T00:40:23.934-04:002018-06-25T00:40:23.934-04:00Two great entries! Congrats!
Victory to FOUND FAM...Two great entries! Congrats!<br /><br />Victory to FOUND FAMILY!!Frozen Vealnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-55323394983716453012018-06-24T21:00:22.222-04:002018-06-24T21:00:22.222-04:00In Don't Mess with An Assassin Mom, I enjoyed ...In Don't Mess with An Assassin Mom, I enjoyed the query--the plot and stakes were great. In EXT, what an interesting query with a great cast of characters! I would like to know more about Sai's personal stakes...Is money important to him and his family right now?<br /><br />Tough choice, but Don't Mess with an Assassin Mom for the win!Library junkienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-28230438828705437792018-06-24T12:54:01.696-04:002018-06-24T12:54:01.696-04:00Two entries I haven't read yet!! I love when ...Two entries I haven't read yet!! I love when that happens!<br /><br />Don't Mess With an Assassin Mom: Fist bumps and high fives for a story set in MN! Your query had me saying, "ohhhh!" and nodding a lot. Absolutely hooked from the start and if this book were on the shelves today, I would one click so fast I'd probably sprain my finger.<br /><br />As far as your 250 is concerned, you jumped RIGHT into the action which is great! You hit the nail on the head with driving around in the MN winter without heat in your car--frozen fingers, praying you just get home before turning into a human popsicle. Well done.<br /><br /><br />GG: Found family: First thing that came to mind when I read this? It sort of sounds like the show SCORPION on CBS--a group of people who aren't at all alike who come together for a common purpose (granted, their purpose is crime fighting, but you get the idea). I love the idea of this story and who is represented!<br /><br />First 250 pulled me right in. There are a lot of color descriptors in the second sentence (brown, yellow, orange). I love the line about cold oatmeal and an empty friends list--it gives us a small taste of what's waiting for Psy outside of the game. <br /><br /><br />Another great match up. Congrats to both of you for making it this far!<br /><br /><br />VICTORY: My vote goes to Don't Mess with an Assassin MomHobbesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-68004142598378201512018-06-24T08:04:06.800-04:002018-06-24T08:04:06.800-04:00Judges, please vote here. Good luck. Judges, please vote here. Good luck. Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.com