tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post4199063513580155017..comments2024-03-09T19:47:07.619-05:00Comments on It's In The Details: Fall 1st Hop Critique 8Michelle 4 Laughshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-62096129922846065602014-11-21T16:46:12.659-05:002014-11-21T16:46:12.659-05:00I definitely like that you leave showing they are ...I definitely like that you leave showing they are ghosts until Ms. Edith goes into the light. Do wait until after that to make clear that Felix and Spence are also ghosts. <br /><br />And it's your story, you make the rules for the ghosts on whether they can hold things or do things. Just be consistent with it (which this was). Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-5399860621804881012014-11-21T16:21:27.826-05:002014-11-21T16:21:27.826-05:00Thank you all for your amazing feedback! I'm r...Thank you all for your amazing feedback! I'm revising again. To clear up any questions, the three characters are ghosts. Spence has definately been a ghost longer than Felix but i wouldn't say he is a mentor per say, he is more of a friend. They can play cards, and i go into how that works a little further into the story. I actually researched that by asking my brother ( Pete, and he is a paranormal investigator). He told me that they can move and hold objects by using physical energy, but it would not be something they could do easily without practice (think Patric Swayze in Ghost). I got the idea however from my friend who talks about a ghost in her house that likes to take things like eyeglasses, her watch, and a deck of cards. That's how i decided they would be playing poker, why else would a ghost steal your cards right? I definately think i can add a little more back ground to show who everyone is and how Felix sees them. Again, I love all the feedback, it has and continues to help me improve and write a better story! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02772403925316724131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-61610584053450443142014-11-21T13:24:10.125-05:002014-11-21T13:24:10.125-05:00This is very intriguing! Michelle has great advice...This is very intriguing! Michelle has great advice to clean it up, but the premise is pretty cool. I also like the setting that you begin with. Is there a way to put some internalization in? How does the MC feel? It might add a layer of complexity. Also, this is a little nit-pick, but I had to read the line about her glasses on top of her head a couple of times. I wonder if you could reword it slightly: ...the glasses that rested, forgotten on top of... For some reason, the word 'neatly' threw me off.<br /><br />Best wishes on your book!<br />ShariShari Schwarzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03638002520541246382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-73016435325298265942014-11-21T08:44:19.790-05:002014-11-21T08:44:19.790-05:00I thought this was a great start to a story, I was...I thought this was a great start to a story, I was intrigued right from the get go. I liked how you used the details such as the silver curls and reading glasses to fill us in on Ms. Edith's age.<br /><br />When Ms. Edith stepped into the light, I was a little confused. The first thing I thought was that she had just died. Then I thought that she was a ghost. I went back and re-read and thought that ghosts typically aren't able to hold things like cards or straighten their skirts. I think of them as floating though air and slipping through walls. Maybe if she is a ghost, it would be better to say so from the start and show what ghosts can do in this world.<br /><br />When I got to the part that said, "How did we move on and where did we go" I began thinking that all three of these people are ghosts?<br /><br />I like the idea of not giving readers everything at the beginning, but this seems like an important detail. I think I would have thought about the characters differently had I known they were ghosts. Just a thought.<br /><br />Good luck with this!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11591829594634822576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-65615739311030023222014-11-21T08:29:45.111-05:002014-11-21T08:29:45.111-05:00After checking out comments on the author's bl...After checking out comments on the author's blog, I think all three characters are dead. Maybe. An interesting idea.Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308214465210382791.post-6137429205571385292014-11-21T08:20:39.612-05:002014-11-21T08:20:39.612-05:00Michelle already has a lot of great advice. Here&#...Michelle already has a lot of great advice. Here's what else I thought as I read.<br /><br />If you make a paragraph break after "she challenged" and put the next two lines in the same paragraph together, we know Felix is the one folding.<br /><br />Felix is shocked that Ms. Edith leaves. I find it interesting (and pretty cool) that she herself is NOT surprised, so it makes me wonder how Felix got into this situation. Why is he playing poker with a woman ready to move on? Why does Spence know about it and Felix doesn't? Even if you just hint at these things with a couple sentences, I think it would draw me in more.<br /><br />If Ms. Edith is dying because she's ill, it might be good to show it with a tiny bit of physical description, like if she's wearing a nightgown or looks ill or weak.<br /><br />Another thing I think is really interesting is the "Wow, kid, I figured you knew." It leaves the answer open to be yes or no. But if Spence really is a mentor, wouldn't that be a basic thing that should have been clarified before they meet up with someone about to move on?<br /><br />Good luck with this!Laura Rueckerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267281174937559086noreply@blogger.com