Title: QUEEN OF THE NIGHT
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 70,000
My main character is most uncomfortable with:
When I was a kid I loved doing winter activities. I could sled, ice skate, or make snow angels until I couldn’t feel my fingers and Dad would insist I come inside. The beauty of a snowfall was something to look forward to, but last winter changed all that. Now snow reminds me I’ve lost my father. Sparks and ashes from the fire rained all around us, but grief clutched my heart with an icy hand. I can’t forget the pain on his face while he lay dying on a carpet of white. Or that I’m to blame.
Query:
Her skin is pale, not green, and she doesn’t believe in magic, let alone wearing pointy hats. Grieving eighteen-year-old Sarah never knew her mother, and now blames herself for her father’s recent death in a fire. Skeptical of allegations that he came from a magical land, she is lured into using his key-shaped pendant to travel to this place called Zyris.
A centuries old conflict exists there over who has the right to rule. Now the current king must face the long awaited rebel queen, purported to be a powerful magician descended from an immortal race. Unintentionally, Sarah finds herself at the heart of the coming war when she learns that her father’s ancestry makes her this expected queen. Her supporters are a group called the Night, who will be ruthless in their attempt to gain power. Still reeling from that revelation, she meets and falls for Prince Liam, heir to the current ruler of Zyris and enemy of the Night.
Convinced that she isn’t any better equipped to rule the Night than her father was, she hopes to return home rather than choose sides. But when the only portal to her world is destroyed and Sarah finds herself betrayed by Liam, she must play a game of wits with a dashing, merciless mentor in the art of magic. Her powers may enable her to create a link to her beloved father. They may also be used in a gruesome plan that would guarantee victory for the Night. Trapped between her own desire for survival and the needs of the people depending on her, Sarah must find the courage to resist becoming the evil queen or destroy her chance to bring peace to all of Zyris and her own restless heart.
After another fruitless day of searching Scottish records, I sank onto my hotel room’s luxurious four poster bed to call my aunt with an update.
“Hi, Sarah, did you find anything useful?”
“No. The University in Edinburgh verified Dad’s history degrees and that he applied there from Peebles, but the local government and the library didn’t have any information about him.” Like he didn’t exist before he went to college.
“Maybe he was from another town.”
Or maybe he hid his magic extremely well. I pressed the heel of my hand against my forehead, rubbing against the tension. I was not ready to start believing. “Why would he tell us he was from Peebles, then? The people here sound like Dad, anyway, just a slight Scottish brogue.” Did she hear the catch in my voice? “Tomorrow I’m going to the high school to try to talk with some of the oldest teachers. This town is small enough one of them should remember him.”
“Are they still in session this late in June?”
“Till next week.”
“Good, maybe you’ll get lucky. Are you doing okay?” A simple question, but Aunt Nora needed reassurance that this trip on top of my grief wasn’t overwhelming me.
I had a quick image of potatoes frying in a pan, and then suddenly I was back, choked by the smoke of my house in flames. My hand crept to my throat, and I swallowed, desperate to dispel the memory. Four months had passed, but the guilt remained.
Love your answer to the question. And honestly, that hooked me way more than the hook of your query letter. The first sentence is clever, but it reads as clever and doesn't tell me that much about the character right off. It also feels whimsical while Sarah is grieving. I'd start with that: she's grieving and now that her parents are gone, she wants to uncover their pasts. And make her more active in the opening paragraph. Being lured in? Tell us who lures her in, or why she decides to use it.
ReplyDeleteSecond paragraph: Cut right to it--Zyris is war torn awaiting the mythical queen,and it's her!!!! crazy! :) Using words like "unintentionally" still make me feel like Sarah is too passive. I want to see her make hard choices and I want to know exactly how she is caught up in it without you saying "she's caught up in it." The end of the paragraph I'm much more hooked. She falls in love with Liam and he's the enemy. Also, give me some details on Liam, what is she drawn to. Give me a preview of the swoon.
The wording in the third paragraph still has me wondering what is going on. Her powers seem very nebulous and finding out Liam betrays her doesn't feel like a huge blow because I needed a moment to like him. You're definitely raising the stakes. She's betrayed, capable of destroying a whole world and caught up in an internal struggle. It's great, but I think you need to streamline the wording and get right to the heart of the matter a little more quickly. And who is this mentor? At first I thought maybe it was Liam. I might just nix that line, even if it's important in the story, it complicates the letter.
Overall: streamline that letter. I am definitely intrigued by the story, and like I said, your answer to the question immediately put me on Sarah's team.
First 250: I like where you start the story, we're already into her fact-finding mission and we know there is possible magic involved. Wondering about the necessity of the lines of dialogue about them being in session for another week. The first 250 are so precious, if you cut those lines, what other neat stuff would we learn? I wish there was something in the hotel room that causes her to flashback to her dad. The Scottish brogue for example. I felt like the potatoes came out of nowhere (as potatoes often do...) But then I do like that it clues us in immediately to the fire and her guilt. If you can find another way to segue into that it might work better.
I love the idea! Best of luck in the agent round!
Query:
ReplyDeleteLots of story going in here and the promise of Sarah dealing with some dynamic relationships (deceased parents, aunt, Liam, people of Zyris) so that's great. Just bring some focus and a clarity to your query and you'll be good!
I love a fun catchy hook but this one doesn't seem to fit your book. I would suggest re-working it to fit Sarah's story. For some reason I was given the impression that she might be a witch (Wicked Witch of the West type) or on her way to being one. ; )
Start with Sarah in that second paragraph--not her dad's back story.
You have lots of action and stakes in the last paragraph which is awesome. If you can tighten it up a bit, (is Liam the same as the merciless mentor?) it'll be a great ending paragraph for your query.
FIRST 250: Make sure it's clear who's speaking in that first sentence of dialogue OR have Sarah speak first. I like how you ended this, it would make me keep reading!
Best of luck to you!! : )
Hi, QUEEN OF THE NIGHT author! Mentor Sarah Marsh here. As I mentioned on a previous entry, you've got my favorite age range/genre here--cheers for YA fantasies! I hope my comments will be of some help before the agent round. :)
ReplyDeleteIn your query, I'm not sure what this first line is setting up. It seems like your focus is on Sarah's grieving for her parents, and on this rumor that her father came from a magical land. I would recommend deleting the first line to avoid confusing your readers, and then using that added space to focus on the crucial stuff. Instead of the "Skeptical of allegations that he came from a magical land," how about something like, "Sarah doesn't believe in magic, so when (insert character description here--an old friend of her father's?) tells her that her father came from another world, she thinks he/she has lost his/her mind." Only prettier. But you get the idea ;) Then you could go on to say, "But when her father's key-shaped pendant unlocks a door to the land of Zyris, she bravely crosses through"-- but again, prettier!
In your second paragraph, make sure you keep the focus on Sarah as opposed to her father's background. Also, the love interest (Liam) feels a bit thrown in, though I can see he's relevant to the plot. Could you perhaps work in something here about what draws Sarah to Liam? I think this would be helpful, especially since we learn in the next paragraph that he betrays her. I wanted to understand Liam's appeal before learning about the betrayal.
In the third paragraph, things also started to fall apart for me. Is Liam her mentor in magic? If not, I'd delete the mentor line and keep the focus on Sarah and Liam. I felt like there were too many exciting things happening all at once. Think on what the heart of your conflict is, and try to make sure that comes across clearly in these final lines where the stakes should be quite apparent. I really like this part of your closing line: "Sarah must find the courage to resist becoming the evil queen or destroy her chance to bring peace to all of Zyris and her own restless heart." I'd encourage you to keep that as the closing sentence, but use the rest of the third paragraph to build towards it, describing Liam's betrayal and how Sarah can't go back to her own world. Hope this helps, and certainly feel free to reach out on Twitter if you have questions about anything I said!
In your first 250, the one thing I found myself wishing for was more emotion about the loss of Sarah's dad. As Olivia suggested above, I'd like for something in Sarah's surroundings to remind her of her dad and cause her to think of him for just a moment, to get a little choked with emotion, perhaps. There is the flashback toward the end, with the potatoes, but I'd rather something in the room reminded her of her dad more immediately. Hope that makes sense! My other suggestion would be to read your dialogue out loud. There were a few places where, to me, certain phrases sounded a bit stilted. An example is: "Tomorrow I’m going to the high school to try to talk with some of the oldest teachers." To me, the words sounded too formal for a grief-worn teenage girl talking to her aunt. Just one opinion, of course!
Overall, I felt your first page would keep me reading. I want to know what's going to happen with Sarah's journey into the land of Zyris! And I'd suggest focusing most of your revision attention on the query, clearing up those stakes and world building. Best of luck with this!! :)
Mentor of Team Snow, Copernicus Nerd here! It's all subjective in this grand 'ol writing world of ours, but I hope whatever I have to say helps out at least a little!
ReplyDeleteLets mosey on over to the Query! I'll agree with some of the other mentors are saying. I didn't understand what the hook was supposed to be focusing on. Was it the magic usage, or was it the death of their parents? I think you need to focus on the death of the parents leading to her having to use this magic ability she doesn't believe in. Make it so that her parents death lead to her accepting the magic or forcing her to understand it. After all it's her parents death that trigger the events from what it seems.
Try to cut back on the back story in the query. Focus entirely on Sarah and what her conflict is and what the stakes are. We can get into back story in the actual manuscript. It's okay to have a little, but too much can actually lose the interest of the reader. We want to be intrigued, not fed information that may not be necessary.
I would try re-working the query a bit, setting the rules in motion for Hook Line, Conflict, and Stakes that way you can trim down on the "synopsis" bits and really pull that story forward. I see a great story in there, but I don't want it to get lost in the shuffle!
As for your 250, I'm agreeing with the others as well where I think I need to feel a bit more emotion and connection with her recently passed father. Unless her character really is that stoic, then you can keep it. I would just love to get in her head more. It has to be a difficult time, so let's see that be conveyed! You do a great job of that with the last paragraph. I'd love to see more of that.
All in all, the concept is strong enough to keep me interested in reading, but if you are able to revise your query a bit, I feel this will be even stronger!
Keep at it! Great job and good luck!
Hi, Snow mentor Kate Brauning here, of Month9Books!
ReplyDeleteQuery:
The first line confused me a little- it doesn’t connect to the next line, which is much more serious. I’d use a different hook that plays into her current situation.
“Centuries old” should have a hyphen, and so should “long awaited.”
Can you show us why she falls for Liam, and why she thinks she’s unequipped to rule? Those things will make the conflict a bit more personal and engaging.
You show great conflict and states in the final lines!
250:
This is clear and concise writing! I love how you immediately immerse us in the action of the moment and don’t let us get bogged down with exposition and backstory. Your dialogue, too, is natural and easy to read. I’d make sure, though, that you need every single line of it. Page 1 needs to be sharply focused. If the reader doesn’t have to know that line right then, I’d cut it.
I’d also include some atmospheric details to bring the setting to live—fantasy relies on that quite a bit, so I’d like to see it happening on page one. Otherwise, this is great stuff! I’d read on. :)
Hi -- I am Vicki Lemp Weavil, one of the mentors for TEAM SNOW.
ReplyDeleteLove the title and the concept.
Query:
I agree that this need to be streamlined and focused more tightly on the book's main conflict(s). I wasn't quite sure what that was -- I think if you eliminate the back story and start at the point where Sarah has stepped into the conflict, this will be clearer. I know it's tough, because you have to weave in a bit of backstory to make things comprehensible, but play around with it and see what you can do.
I agree with cutting the first line -- maybe even the first paragraph. Weave whatever you need of that info. into the query but try jumping right into the heart of the conflict -- Sarah as the Queen of the Night who must choose her side -- in the midst of betrayal, etc. I too was confused by who the "dashing, merciless mentor in the art of magic." is. If he is the real love interest, perhaps highlight him a bit more and cut back on the Liam info. (could just say, betrayed by the man she thought loved her.... etc. And leave the rest of the Liam stuff out). Again -- I don't know your story so I may be all wrong on the Liam thing.
What I am gathering though, is -- Sarah, grieving her parents, finds out that she is the hereditary ruler of the Night when she travels to another world/dimension. (Aside -- is Sarah on Earth to begin with? Or another fantasy kingdom, or?? You might want to clarify that). She prefers to go home rather than choose sides in a brutal conflict, but is trapped, betrayed, and must duel with a magical mentor. She has powers (what are they?) and is torn between her desire to be Queen and her wish to bring peace. (Are these two things antithetical? Does she really have a deep desire to be Queen? You might want to play up that conflict burning within her, because that is very interesting and raises the stakes quite a bit -- also makes Sarah appear less passive).
This is what I am seeing in the query. If that is not what you intend, you might want to revise to make your concept shine through more brightly.
At any rate, the story concept is great, I just want to see it presented more succinctly, and with more excitement (to match what is obviously an exciting book).
The first 250 words --
I felt like Sarah's emotional response was fine -- she's investigating, but obviously still dealing with strong emotions. I do think the dialogue (on Sarah's part) was a bit formal for a modern (I assume) 18yo.
This -- "A simple question, but Aunt Nora needed reassurance that this trip on top of my grief wasn’t overwhelming me." -- I know it's nit-picky, but since this is first person POV and we are in Sarah's head, what Nora is thinking/feeling is not really something Sarah could know for sure. Simple fix -- "A simple question that told me that Aunt Nora needed reassurance..."
I have to ask -- Is there any connection between this story and the Queen of the Night from The Magic Flute? Any allusions to that or was that an inspiration? Because, if so, I would mention that in the query. (If not, of course, don't).
I look forward to reading your revision for this!
Team Snow mentor Kat here!
ReplyDeleteQuery: I suggest you cut the first line as it jars with the tone of the rest of the query. It reads too much like a synopsis at the moment, and that's because there's too much plot detail in there.
Try to focus on the central plot: Sarah finds out she's a witch/heir to the throne and travels to Zyris, which is in the middle of a war. She doesn't want any part of it, so tries to go home - except she's now trapped, and the enemy she's fallen for has betrayed her (how?), so she has to...what?
I'm not sure why she would be drawn to being an 'evil queen', or how she is meant to resolve the situation - can you make it clear what her choices are? I think if you streamline and focus your query a little more, it will be much stronger.
First 250: This would be less passive if you showed her discovering the things she's talking about on the phone rather than telling her aunt about them in retrospect. I think if you did that it would be more active and attention-grabbing. I really like the rapport between the two characters, but I'm betting you can show that elsewhere without the phone call.
Good luck!
Team Snow mentor here!
ReplyDeleteQUERY:
This was pretty confusing. As others have said, there's way too much going on. I think you need to take a step back and look at your story with a wide lens. What's the central conflict? Don't worry about fitting every single plot twist and turn into your query. That's what the book is for. What your query needs to do is give me an idea of what I'm in for when I read your book. Others have already broken down the varied elements, so I won't rehash what's already been said, but I think you have a great story and I don't want to see it overwhelmed by plotty detail (plotty is a word now) in the query.
EXCERPT:
I didn't get the sense that she was grieving until the end. I think the focus on the dialogue detracts from Sarah's introduction to the reader. If this is the first time we're seeing her, it needs to be memorable. Right now, it feels a bit clinical and detached from her emotional experience. Her voice seems to get a little lost for the sake of transmitting information to the reader. Beware of beginning with an information-heavy scene. While this conversation is important to the plot, I question if it's the best place to start the story.
If Sarah is grieving, make that clear. If she's confused about her father, show us, don't tell us (or have her tell her aunt, which is basically the same thing). The scene is a bit lost for me. I'd love to see a clearer, more vivid picture of what's going on for Sarah in this moment.
Hi Fellow TeamSnow writer!
ReplyDeletequery:
I don’t think you need the first sentence. While it sort-of makes sense eventually, the second sentence doesn’t continue the thought and I’m left wondering what you meant. As others pointed it also doesn’t fit with the grief in the second sentence.
In your second paragraph: consider writing this from Sarah’s pov. Otherwise it’s like you’re telling us something and it’s more interesting if she plays an active role in the information.
Also consider making Sarah more active overall; if she’s learning things, she’s passive.
The following sentence could be more present: group called the Night, who are ruthless in their attempt . . .
You’ve tucked in a “dashing, merciless mentor,” is this another love interest? Or Liam?
If the Night is evil, as implied in your stakes, consider upping the evil in para 2. Show us how bad they are, rather than tell us. What do they do that convinces Sarah she can’t possibly ally herself with them?
Like others have said, wonderful last sentence identifying stakes!
Your 250:
I wonder if you’re starting in the right place? The last sentence seems more hook-like to me, and makes me wonder what comes after this section. I can feel the emotion of your MC, and that creates a bond with her you can’t do with the conversation.
Is it vital to include the conversation with her aunt, or can the information be fed in as the chapter progresses?
Wow, this line gave me chills: I can’t forget the pain on his face while he lay dying on a carpet of white. Or that I’m to blame.
ReplyDeleteQuery: I love the 1st line of your query, it shows me that she is though of as a witch but really isn't one. The problem is that the next few sentences don't address that though, so I'm left confused. If you can find a way to explain it immediately after, I would keep that sentence. If not (if it's not really about whether or not she's a witch, I would change it).
The more into your query that I read, the more I'm confused by the last sentence of your 1st paragraph as well-- why is she skeptical that he came from there?
Your MS sounds very intriguing from the rest of your query, this is definitely something I would enjoy reading! It does, however, read more like a synopsis than a query. Maybe cut out a few of the details?
First 250: I think this is great! I especially love this:
I had a quick image of potatoes frying in a pan, and then suddenly I was back, choked by the smoke of my house in flames. My hand crept to my throat, and I swallowed, desperate to dispel the memory. Four months had passed, but the guilt remained.
I think it's a great way of showing without telling that she feels responsible for his death-- and how he died.
Again, this sounds like an interesting book that I would enjoy. Good luck!
Hi, fellow Team Snow member here. Following are my suggestions, for what they are worth.
ReplyDeleteI love the first sentence of your query but it doesn't flow well into the next one. Are you trying to say she's a witch but doesn't know it?
Good luck in the agent round!
Just a reminder to take the feedback that works for you when revising for the agent round. It’s a lot to take in, but you’re the expert on your story and know best. If you have any questions about the next round you may ask here or on twitter.
ReplyDeleteThought you’d like to know why you were picked. Your first 250 had me in instant sympathy with your MC. I'd love to read a story where the MC is expected by everyone to become the evil queen. What a choice you set out in the stakes! Become the evil queen or let the world be swallowed by war! Awesome!
Hi! I really like portal stories. Although your query pulled me in at first you started to lose me at the end. I think you should end on the fact that her portal closed and now she's trapped with no choice but to choose sides. I'm not really sure what's going on with Liam. Unless he's the romantic interest, I think he should be left out. If he is, maybe you should mention something brief to that point and that he's the enemy of the Night.
ReplyDeleteIn the last paragraph, Liam's betrayal, her mentor and her connection with her father's seem extraneous to me. I don't think you should include those subplots in your query.
I do like the last sentence, which I think clearly identifies the stakes. However, I didn't like the restless heart part at the end. That part makes the sentence too long and wordy in my opinion. And since you don't really mention any battles that have to do with her heart earlier in the query (unless Liam has to do with this) I think you should cut it out.
As far as the 250 words, I think the fact that the MC's conducting an investigating is interesting, but what kind of information can she find with the local government (which might sound better if you say "local officials") and the library? Maybe you could say records and be more specific? Is she looking for property tax information? At the library is she looking to see if he's in any newspaper clippings?
Another thing I was wondering about was how old the MC is. Since this is YA, why is she staying at a hotel by herself? What kind of guardian would let her travel somewhere to find out whether or not her dad is from a magical land? Why is her aunt okay with this? Maybe she should be doing this on her own?
Small/nit-picky things: I'm pretty sure it should be "centuries-old" with the hyphen. I think it would also sound better if the MC said she was going to talk with some of the "older teachers" not the "oldest teachers"
And when her aunt says "are they still in session" I think she should be referring to the whether the school is still in session not the teachers. At least it seems like she could be referring to the teachers. It might still be accurate but I think it sounds better if she says "is school still in session?" or "are classes still in session?"
Hi! I really like portal stories. Although your query pulled me in at first you started to lose me at the end. I think you should end on the fact that her portal closed and now she's trapped with no choice but to choose sides. I'm not really sure what's going on with Liam. Unless he's the romantic interest, I think he should be left out. If he is, maybe you should mention something brief to that point and that he's the enemy of the Night.
ReplyDeleteIn the last paragraph, Liam's betrayal, her mentor and her connection with her father's seem extraneous to me. I don't think you should include those subplots in your query.
I do like the last sentence, which I think clearly identifies the stakes. However, I didn't like the restless heart part at the end. That part makes the sentence too long and wordy in my opinion. And since you don't really mention any battles that have to do with her heart earlier in the query (unless Liam has to do with this) I think you should cut it out.
As far as the 250 words, I think the fact that the MC's conducting an investigating is interesting, but what kind of information can she find with the local government (which might sound better if you say "local officials") and the library? Maybe you could say records and be more specific? Is she looking for property tax information? At the library is she looking to see if he's in any newspaper clippings?
Another thing I was wondering about was how old the MC is. Since this is YA, why is she staying at a hotel by herself? What kind of guardian would let her travel somewhere to find out whether or not her dad is from a magical land? Why is her aunt okay with this? Maybe she should be doing this on her own?
Small/nit-picky things: I'm pretty sure it should be "centuries-old" with the hyphen. I think it would also sound better if the MC said she was going to talk with some of the "older teachers" not the "oldest teachers"
And when her aunt says "are they still in session" I think she should be referring to the whether the school is still in session not the teachers. At least it seems like she could be referring to the teachers. It might still be accurate but I think it sounds better if she says "is school still in session?" or "are classes still in session?"
I hope this help! I think you'll do well! Good luck!
As others have pointed out, you have too much going on in your query. This is something I'm guilty of too. Take one plot point and make the query about that. Is it the fact that she's magical and doesn't know it? I did like the dialogue but felt like it was modern-day when the query mentions other planets. Again, confused. Play around with your query and think about starting your first page with her discovering she's magical or a queen. Something to ground us in the story more. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHi! Fellow member of Team Snow here with some comments for you. Hoping some of them might be of use!
ReplyDeleteQuery: First, yay for YA fantasy! It tends to be my favorite genre/category, and the fact that Sarah might turn into the evil queen intrigues me quite a lot. However, I think the cool premise you have going gets a little buried in a lot of extraneous details in the query. Others have already given you lots of great comments, and you may have started revising already anyway, but I'll add a few thoughts anyway.
-The first paragraph is a little long for what it is. I agree with others who've said the first line should go, and I think you could probably condense the second two sentences into one.
-Liam feels extraneous.
-Sarah's goal is not as clear to me as I'd like it to be. It's not really to go home, it seems, as the goal is for most portal fantasy stories. Is it to reconnect with her father? Is it actually to become queen—or does she want to avoid being queen? You have some really fascinating stakes at the end, but Sarah comes across as passive and not particularly driven by anything for a lot of the query.
First 250: I wasn't quite drawn in until the very last paragraph. I felt that paragraph gave me a character to connect to while most of the dialogue was just passing me information. Not really knowing the rest of the story, it's hard to judge if this is the right place to start or not. But if you do choose to start here, I think there needs to be more of the grieving girl of the answer to the "my character is most uncomfortable with" question/the final paragraph of the excerpt.
Very interesting and unique concept!
ReplyDeleteGood luck in the agent round.
#TeamSun Leader Amy
Hey there! Fellow #TeamSnow member. I’m gonna offer feedback without reading what everyone else has to say. If I repeat a suggestion, it’s helpful that you know what I’m seconding instead of me giving an overall ‘I agree!’ that could be applied to everything. And apparently I reached the world limit for comments, so this will be a two-parted. Curse you Blogger... (1/2)
ReplyDeleteAnswer: The nostalgia and mystery tied together in your answer makes me feel for your MC, as well as wonder just what happened that turned her happy life into such a tragedy. Nice conveyance of emotion.
Query: The first line confused me more than anything. It brought to mind the Wicked Witch of the West, and because this is a fantasy I’m led to believe the story has something to do with witches or her being one. There’s no mention of anything like that in the first paragraph except the fact that her father might come from a magical land. Honestly, the hook for me came with the second sentence, where we learn about her parents and her father’s untimely death. Though I don’t get the connection between that sentence and the one after. How does her skepticism tie into her being lure into using his pendant?
The first sentence in the second paragraph is kind of clunky, and a centuries old conflict over the right to rule in another world is something seen repeatedly. What about this conflict makes it unique that we, the reader, will care about the outcome? The second sentence offers a more focused explanation, but I’m somewhat thrown by the voice. While I’ve no doubt that teens know what purported means, I don’t imagine it’s something they use in conversation. So far, to me, the voice sounds much older than YA.
Perhaps if Sarah came from a fantastical world of epic status it would fit, but she seems to be a contemporary teen.
For me, your best sentence to start the second paragraph is the third one, where Sarah unintentionally finds herself at the heart of a coming war. Though as we go on to read that Sarah might be the rebel queen I find myself wondering how she’s the focus of a movement if she’s never been to this world before. Is this a prophecy that she’s fallen into? If so, I might make that fact known. The description of the rebel queen and the conflict with the king made it sound like this was a character already in place when Sarah arrives, so when it turns out she’s the queen, I’m kind of going ‘what a minute, what?’
The end of the second paragraph reads sort of like a series of events. Then this happens, then that happens. How does she meet the prince? Do they happen upon one another somewhere, and before he realizes who she is he saves her from bandits or she helps him fight off ruffians? Is he rebelling against his father and spending time with the resistance, time they fill together and they can’t ignore their feelings after a while? Again, no need for a billion details, but I have no sense of their relationship at all, and with him being the love interest, I wanna know a bit more about him.
Okay, the third paragraph packs so much info into a small space, and it does it well. It’s almost like you were winding up for the pitch in the first two, then threw a strike to win the game in the last one. That, whatever it is that brought this paragraph together, bottle it and sprinkle it over the first two. Such sage advice, I know, but this totally worked. I didn’t get hung up on anything, didn’t stop to question anything, I simply read it. NOW I wanna get to the pages more than before, but an agent might not get to the end of the query, gotta back that now in sooner, and this paragraph shows you can definite do it.
(2/2) Fricken Blogger, man...
ReplyDelete250: The first few lines of interaction between Sarah and her aunt comes across as a wee bit info-dumpy. The line about the university seems forced to fit in information about her old man. And I’m assuming this aunt she’s speaking to is her mother’s sister? But then I’m wondering how she knows her aunt but doesn’t know her mother. And if Sarah doesn’t believe in magic, why is she searching for it? The third paragraph about dad’s slight Scottish brogue is more backstory here on the first page.
I get a sense of the relationship between Sarah and her aunt, but everything else is background on her father. Sarah is on a trip to find information about him, perhaps start with her in one of the buildings doing research, or speaking to someone who knew her father. Telling us all of this information about is instead of showing her discovery of it drags the pace down from the beginning. I want to go with Sarah on her journey, not be told about it when she gets back. I think this is merely one of those things where you may have started the book in the wrong spot.
Though, that being said, Sarah’s emotions come through the text, well done on that. Sort of with the query, I didn’t really sit up and start to pay attention until toward the end, where her voice catches, then she’s being overwhelmed by grief.
Best of luck with this, I love rooting for a good fantasy!
Teammate #6 here, stopping by to wish you luck with revisions and the agent round! I'd love to connect on Twitter, so I can keep up with you after the contest! @kranky_crow
ReplyDeleteLet's blow Team Sun away!