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Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
I'm in a great mood as I saw a new picture of my son on his knees helping to clean an elementary school's floor. Kids in Japan clean their own schools. This is a picture I must save as I'll never see him cleaning again! But it has me feeling particularly generous.
Dear Ms./Mr. (First & Last Name): I don't usually add first names. It just gives me another opportunity to misspell something. I don't need help in that area. I don't suppose there is a rule against it, however.
Angel Enael never wanted to become a demon. I'm nodding along. Who would? Which makes this hook not particularly startling. And I just got that Angel is not the mc's first name. Obviously there is some confusion with using Angel as a title before her name. Maybe: The angel, Enael, never wanted to become a demon. But I would try a hook that plays on her choosing to be a demon. I think the 'choosing' part is the most likely go to.
When the Council of Seraphim denies Enael ascension past the rank of Guardian, they say she needs “more experience” with humans. More experience? She’s been a Guardian for five centuries! Maybe if she stops her next assignment from cheating on his wife, she’ll prove herself. I'm not getting clearly whether the last sentence is sarcasm or not. I'm believe it is, but make it more clear. And if it is, she seems kind of petulant.
Kaspen guards the woman seducing Enael’s charge. He’s committed to his human’s success, certain that a life worth living must have its difficulties and temptations. His self-assuredness and intensity toward his charge intrigue Enael. While their humans struggle, she forges a bond with Kaspen she’s never had with another. Kaspen is who? I'm guessing he's a demon, because helping a guy commit adultery doesn't sound angelic. But I shouldn't have to guess. This also needs tightened. While their humans struggle, she forges a bond with Kaspen unlike any other.
When Yasva, a fallen angel from Kaspen’s past, discovers his relationship with Enael, she attacks their charges. Despite Enael’s attempts to stop her, Yasva convinces Kaspen he’s to blame and beguiles him into renouncing his wings. I don't think I would name a third character, drop the name and use "a fallen angel from Kaspen's past." There's a limit to names in a query and the general number is two. Also maybe shorten the whole paragraph and join it with the next. A jealous fallen angel attacks their charges and fools Kaspen into accepting the blame, costing him his wings. What happened to the charges exactly? Are they dead? If they're dead go with that instead of attacks.
Enael’s next assignment is waiting for her, but Kaspen suffers in hell, enslaved by a powerful demon. Enael must make a choice: To perform her sacred duty, she must surrender the angel she loves. To save him, she must become a fallen angel herself. This is a little vague to me. She gives him up, that I get. She goes to hell is the other option? This seems like a lose-lose situation.
FALLEN REDEMPTION is an adult fantasy with romantic elements. It’s complete at 106,000 words and has series potential. Word count is up there, but with fantasy the numbers vary. Some say 100K and some allow 120K. Help me out here, would you guys call this paranormal romance? It looks that way to me.
I grew up in a small town in Iowa but now live in the suburbs of Toronto with my Canadian husband and expatriate cat. I’ve worked as a banking project manager for almost ten years. Books that captured my imagination include Isaac Asimov’s The Gods Themselves, Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game series, Sylvia Browne’s The Other Side and Back, and Stephanie Meyers’ The Host. This is my debut novel. Note: that the author only uses this bio if the agent asks for one. That's the way to go. If you don't have publishing credits and they don't request one, it's best to say nothing.
Thank you for your time and consideration. Good ending and the one I use.
Sincerely, This could be cut to save space. Use a comma on the sentence above for a closing and you're good to go.
This query needs a little more work in order to entice me. I think it needs more details about their romance. Shorten the third paragraph and tighten up the rest so you can work in details about their importance to each other as a couple. Try to bring out what is unique about your story. Good luck!
The questions in the main body of the query really bother me. I think negatively affects the voice the writer is going for, making Enael seem more high school girl than flustered angel. I also thought Angel was the MC's first name. Adding "The" would clear it up, but you could also stick with just Enael. I want to see more of the romance element. As is, it kinda reads like a soap-opera script. I think if the writer really focused on the driving force of the plot, this would be a good query.
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ReplyDeleteI had to read the query a few times due to the names and to clarify who is who? I gather all named characters are angels and love and duty are the key concepts at work here. I believe if the query requires too much guesswork or rereading, an agent might pass.
ReplyDeleteI'm not published, so take this as lightly as you want, but I like a query which clearly shows the most important plot driver and includes only main characters with teasing questions limited.
I think you've got great concept here and just need to communicate stakes more clearly and succinctly.
"Angel Enael never wanted to become a demon"
ReplyDeleteI see what you are doing here, but I'd rather her choice to become a demon. However it does create great voice.
"When the Council of Seraphim denies Enael ascension past the rank of Guardian, they say she needs “more experience” with humans. More experience? She’s been a Guardian for five centuries! Maybe if she stops her next assignment from cheating on his wife, she’ll prove herself."
I like your voice, and I pick up the sarcasm. But, I'm still left wondering what does this have to do with her becoming a demon. I want to know her conflict right away. This seems more like back story.
"Kaspen guards the woman seducing Enael’s charge. He’s committed to his human’s success, certain that a life worth living must have its difficulties and temptations. His self-assuredness and intensity toward his charge intrigue Enael. While their humans struggle, she forges a bond with Kaspen she’s never had with another."
Again, I'm not seeing why Enael is becoming a demon. I'm reading it as Kaspen is another guardian. So, I'd say it might be confusing to an prospective agent. I'm also confused as to who your m.c. is. You use the word charger twice. Why is she forging a bond with Kaspen? Does this have to do with Enael becoming a demon?
"When Yasva, a fallen angel from Kaspen’s past, discovers his relationship with Enael, she attacks their charges. Despite Enael’s attempts to stop her, Yasva convinces Kaspen he’s to blame and beguiles him into renouncing his wings"
This seems like it's an interesting part of the plot. But, you have a ton of characters being introduced in a query. Plus, they are all unique names which make it a bit confusing.
"Enael’s next assignment is waiting for her, but Kaspen suffers in hell, enslaved by a powerful demon. Enael must make a choice: To perform her sacred duty, she must surrender the angel she loves. To save him, she must become a fallen angel herself."
Here's the heart of our query. To save him, she must become a fallen angel herself. I love it. I would start with this in the beginning of your query.
"FALLEN REDEMPTION is an adult fantasy with romantic elements. It’s complete at 106,000 words and has series potential."
Word count is such a tricky thing especially for a debut author. I'd stick to the lower end of the spectrum on word count numbers.
Overall, I think that your story sounds really fun, and I can see you have great voice. Find your MC's choice and start with that.
Angel Enael never wanted to become a demon. (This part seems like an incomplete thought ... but after ...then ...
ReplyDeleteI also agree that starting with Angel, makes it seem like a name until reading further.
When the Council of Seraphim denies Enael ascension past the rank of Guardian, they say she needs “more experience” with humans. More experience? She’s been a Guardian for five centuries! Maybe if she stops her next assignment from cheating on his wife, she’ll prove herself. (Good.)
Kaspen guards the woman seducing Enael’s charge. He’s committed to his human’s success, ({certain that a life worth living must have its difficulties and temptations.} This seems vague and unnecessary here.) His self-assuredness and intensity toward his charge intrigue Enael. While their humans struggle, she forges a bond with Kaspen {she’s never had with another} I think this sounds awkward). (In some places I get confused with hes and shes, not knowing who you are talking about.)
When Yasva, a fallen angel from Kaspen’s past, discovers his relationship with Enael, she attacks their charges. (Why? Is she an old flame, someone he rejected, an old rival?) Despite Enael’s attempts to stop her, Yasva convinces Kaspen he’s to blame and beguiles him into renouncing his wings. (Explain just a little.)
Enael’s next assignment is waiting for her, but Kaspen suffers (is suffering) in hell, enslaved by a powerful demon. Enael must make a choice: To perform her sacred duty, she must surrender the angel she loves. (Give up on?) To save him, she must become a fallen angel herself. (This seems to lack a bit of glue to fit the pieces together here. I get the idea, but want more information.)
FALLEN REDEMPTION is an adult fantasy with romantic elements. It’s complete at 106,000 words and has series potential. (Good.)
I grew up in a small town in Iowa but now live in the suburbs of Toronto with my Canadian husband and expatriate cat. I’ve worked as a banking project manager for almost ten years. Books that captured my imagination include Isaac Asimov’s The Gods Themselves, Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game series, Sylvia Browne’s The Other Side and Back, and Stephanie Meyers’ The Host. This is my debut novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration. (I think this irrelevant and unless it supports your writing history and experience or authenticates the story you're writing it is better left out. Maybe the part about what you were influenced by to write this is okay.)
Sincerely
The story sounds interesting and the query makes me want to read more. But a bit more explanation is necessary in specific parts.