Fall Query Extravaganza 19

Here is the last query of the Fall Query Extravaganza. Now I'm taking a break from critiquing until after Sun versus Snow. To learn more about the Sun versus Snow query contest and a chance at a free pass, go here.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Agent:

I saw your website that you love fairy tale retellings, and I think you would be interested in seeing my YA manuscript, Red: The Valerie Bennett Diaries. This novel showcases a more adult fairy tale but holds a whimsical spirit that captivated us as kids.

Dear Reader, I’m sorry to say the fairy tales you know are wrong.  Red would know since she was there. When the Queen of Hearts goes missing, Red Riding Hood must stop the big, bad Wolf from seizing the crown. Witches and beasts are only a few creatures standing in her path, but the real danger might lie with whoever has captured the Queen.

Red visits classic figures like the Frog Prince and Snow White as she travels to regain the memories she has lost, but seems to care more about protecting the people the royals wish to step on. Her story is a new twist on the old battle for who will rule the fairest lands.

The tone is sometimes humorous, sometimes dark, but always digs deep to show who these fairy tale characters really are beyond the stories we all know. As requested from your guidelines, a synopsis and the first chapter are located below.

I am currently serving as a Creative Intern for Spencer Hill Press and Marketing/PR Intern for REUTS Publications and it would be a pleasure to send the full manuscript to you upon request. Most importantly, thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

With comments:

Dear Agent:

I saw on your website that you love fairy tale retellings, and I think you would be interested in seeing my YA manuscript, Red: The Valerie Bennett Diaries. (Titles in all caps or in italics) This novel showcases a more adult fairy tale but holds a whimsical spirit that captivated us as kids.

Dear Reader, I’m sorry to say the fairy tales you know are wrong. (You've gone out on a limb with a gimmicky start to your query. This could either really interest agents or really turn them off. It's going to depend on the agent. Perhaps see if this version gets results and if not go with a more conservative start.)  Red would know (I'd avoid repeating 'know' and use something like 'tell' instead. Also this is a different tense than the rest. Red can tell you since she was there.) since she was there. When the Queen of Hearts goes missing, Red Riding Hood must stop the big, bad Wolf from seizing the crown. Witches and beasts are only a few of the creatures standing in her path, but the real danger might lie with whoever has captured the Queen. ('Might' is a qualifier and it weakens. Always make your sentences as strong as possible and that means not saying 'maybe.' ...the real danger lies with whoever captured the Queen.)

Red visits classic figures like the Frog Prince and Snow White as she travels to regain the memories she has lost, (You've drifted into telling about the story instead of crafting an enticing blurb. And the memory loss comes out of nowhere.) but seems to care more about protecting the people the royals wish to step on. Her story is a new twist on the old battle for who will rule the fairest lands. (I thought it was the 'fairest in the land', not the fairest land.) I'm not sure about the other side of the stakes. I know what Red wants to do, though I'm not sure why. But what happens if she fails?

Sounds like getting her memory back is Red's motivation. Here's a quick example:

Dear Reader, I’m sorry to say the fairy tales you know are wrong.  Red can share the tale since she was there. When the Queen of Hearts goes missing, Red must stop the big, bad Wolf from seizing the crown. Saving the Queen is the only way Red can recover her memories, and no brainless witches or bullying beasts are going to stop her. But the real danger lies with whoever has captured the Queen.

Someone like The Frog Prince or Snow White hold the answers Red needs. She has no regrets against wring it out of them, because she discovers she's not the only one suffering. It's all about protecting the people the royals usually step on. If this tale's to have a happy ending, Red has to save the fairest of the land from blank or blank will happen.

The tone is sometimes humorous, sometimes dark, but always digs deep to show who these fairy tale characters really are beyond the stories we all know. (Try ...but always takes you deeper into the characters we all know. I always lean on the side of having a humorous query if your story is funny or a dark query if your story is dark. In other words show in your description the mood of your story instead of telling the agent. Your first sentence has that quirky humor, but then it vanishes.)As requested from your guidelines, a synopsis and the first chapter are located below. (But I'm not seeing the word count anywhere. That's a red--haha-- flag, though perhaps you're not finished.)

I am currently serving as a Creative Intern for Spencer Hill Press and Marketing/PR Intern for REUTS Publications and it would be a pleasure to send the full manuscript to you upon request. Most importantly, (I'm pulling a Query Shark and saying to cut this. :-)) thank you for your time and consideration. Good bio.

Sincerely,

There's a lot to like here. This query starts out with a gimmicky and humorous opening, but then it loses it after the second sentence. I would try and keep that same voice all through the main description part of your query.

Add what will happen if Red fails and make sure you clarify exactly what Red wants.   

Fall Query Extravaganza 18

Two queries to go and the Fall Query Extravaganza will be over. Then I'm taking a break from critiquing until after Sun versus Snow. To learn more about the Sun versus Snow query contest and a chance at a free pass, go here.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:

Sixteen-year-old Hazel wants to believe she isn’t going crazy. She wants to believe she isn’t seeing snow-tipped mountains beyond the Indiana fields or black beasts that stalk her from the shadows. But when Ethan—her boyfriend’s elusive roommate—disappears, she discovers his journal describing the same experiences…and more. Experiences more terrifying. He describes a parallel world that’s ripping him from his own and threatening to devour him.

Now when Hazel sees that mountain world, she sees Ethan there…dead. Worse, she’s hearing haunting voices, falling out of sync with time, and dreaming that someone’s torturing Ethan. The black beasts chase her, grasping for her heels, her life. The parallel world wants to destroy her next. Her boyfriend Cory recognizes that world’s growing hold on her and he’s determined to save her…except she’s not sure she wants to be saved.

WORLD’S EDGE, complete at 69,000 words, is young adult light science fiction with a contemporary setting. Though it stands alone, it has series potential. It will appeal to fans of dark science fiction worlds such as that of Fringe. It also contains a love triangle similar to Maureen Johnson’s THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH and Rick Yancey’s THE 5TH WAVE.

I graduated from Valparaiso University with dual degrees in English and biology/chemistry. I work as a flavor lab tech, which enhances my writing through intensive sensory exposure to taste and smell.

Thank you for considering WORLD’S EDGE.

Sincerely,

With comments: 

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:

Sixteen-year-old Hazel wants to believe she isn’t going crazy. (Maybe: ... wants to believe she's not crazy. Less words equals more snap.) She wants to believe she isn’t can't be seeing snow-tipped mountains beyond the Indiana fields or black beasts that stalk stalking her from the shadows. But when Ethan—her boyfriend’s elusive roommate—disappears, she discovers (filtering) his journal describes ing the same experiences…and more. Experiences more terrifying. He describes a parallel world that’s ripping him from his own and threatening to devour him. This could use some tightening.

Sixteen-year-old Hazel wants to believe she's not crazy. She can't be seeing snow-tipped mountains beyond the Indiana fields or black beast stalking her from the shadows. But when Ethan--her boyfriend's elusive roommate--disappears, his journal describes the same experiences... and more. Terrifyingly more. A parallel world's ripping him free and threatening to devour him. (Fifty-five words instead of sixty-seven. Much more snappy. It's all about the snap.)

Now when Hazel sees (filtering) that mountain world appears, she Hazel foresees Ethan there…dead. (So she's having visions or is this actually something she sees? If he's not really dead, try 'foresees.') Worse, she’s hearing haunting voices haunt her, as she falls falling out of sync with time, and dreams ing that someone’s torturing Ethan. (I thought he was dead.) The black beasts chase her, grasping for her heels, her life. The parallel world wants to destroy her next. (Why? Just her in particular or everyone?) Her boyfriend Cory recognizes that world’s growing hold on her and he’s determined to save her…except she’s not sure she wants to be saved. I'd leave Cory out of it and keep the sinker line on Hazel. Throwing him in at the last sentence makes him seem like an afterthought. If you didn't need him earlier, then you don't need him here. Your focus should be on the MC in the last sentence. 

I'm not sure I'm getting a good sense of what's happening. She's being drawn into another parallel world, but why? What factor is causing it? Also is Ethan dead or not? And what is Hazel trying to prevent from happening? Is the parallel world going to swallow up their world, making the problem a bigger threat? Or is the threat solely to Hazel?

Why wouldn't she want to be saved? The query doesn't really hint at the why. Is Ethan's disappearance her fault or does she like being chased by hounds? Maybe she wants to die for some reason, but without an explanation in the query it is just confusing.

Or maybe--after reading the rest below--, Hazel wants to vanish into the world to be with Ethan. Whichever is the case, you need to make it more clear.

Hazel can't decide whether she wants to stay in her own life with Cory or vanish into the strange new one with Ethan. Either way, she'll have to blank or blank will happen.

WORLD’S EDGE, complete at 69,000 words, is young adult light science fiction with a contemporary setting. (Personal preference but I think "Complete at 69,000 words, WORLD'S EDGE is a young adult light science fiction that stands along but has series potential" is more smooth. Putting something offset by commas is always like a stutter.) Though it stands alone, it has series potential. It will appeal to fans of dark science fiction worlds such as that of Fringe. It also contains a love triangle similar to Maureen Johnson’s THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH and Rick Yancey’s THE 5TH WAVE. (Wait, what? I didn't get any sense of this in the query. Either rework the query or ditch this sentence. It seems like... you might be trying to cast a wide net because you're not sure your query does it job. It's got a cool world, plus it's got this romance thing. That's all great to know and interesting, but it should show in the first paragraphs.)

I graduated from Valparaiso University with dual degrees in English and biology/chemistry. I work as a flavor lab tech, which enhances my writing through intensive sensory exposure to taste and smell. Using strong and interesting verbs and some descriptive adjectives will help show this also. Ethan--her boyfriend's elusive and totally sexy roommate-- That hints better at the love triangle. Then get something in earlier about Cory.

Thank you for considering WORLD’S EDGE.

Sincerely,

This query does a good job of describing the setup, but then goes off the rails a little with the stakes and motivation. A few changes to the second paragraph will get you back on track.

Fall Query Extravaganza 17

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. Right now my queue is full.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Awesome Agent,

Fifteen-year-old Micaela “Mica” Uribe never believed in her grandmother’s tales of magic and superstition, but when a trip to Cartagena, Colombia leaves her stranded ten years in the city's past, she’s forced to believe. Soon, she’s witnessing what she’d only seen in photographs: her own baptism, her grandparents’ wedding, and her great-great-grandparents. Though she has no control, one thing is clear: Time has a message for Mica.

Then her cousin’s best friend, Gianluca Echevarría, finds her in the 1700’s, right after her interference during a slave auction goes horribly wrong. As he teaches her to navigate the intricacies of the gift, she finds herself inexplicably drawn to him—something she soon discovers lies in the collective past they share.

When her grandmother dies suddenly in the present, Mica aims to reclaim lost time by seeking her in the past. Only she’s thrust into 1586 with Gianluca, right in the middle of Sir Francis Drake’s infamous attack on Cartagena. With the only exit to the city blocked by pirates and Gianluca wounded, Mica has no choice but to finally solve the riddle—or risk losing everything and everyone she holds dear.

THROUGH THE WALLED CITY, a YA novel with magical realism elements, is a story about the power of faith and unlikely second chances. It’s complete at 56,000 words.

I’m a proud Colombian-American. During a recent trip to Cartagena, I was fascinated by its diversity and the richness of its past and knew it was the perfect setting for Mica’s story. I hold BA and MA degrees in English Literature from Florida International University and a certificate in fiction from UCLA Extension Writers’ Program. I’m also an active member of SCBWI and AWP.

Sincerely,

With comments:

Dear Awesome Agent,

Fifteen-year-old Micaela “Mica” Uribe never believed in her grandmother’s tales of magic and superstition, but when until a trip to Cartagena, Colombia leaves her stranded ten years in the city's past, she’s forced to believe. Tighten. Soon, she’s witnessing what she’d only seen in photographs (more voice) Soon, she's got an upfront seat to her own baptism, and as time yanks her farther back, her grandparents’ wedding, and meeting her great-great-grandparents. This sounds a lot more than ten years back. Is she still going backward in time? Better make that clear. Though she has no control, one thing is clear: Time has a message for Mica. This could probably go. 

Then her cousin’s best friend (Then a family friend from the present?), Gianluca Echevarría, finds her in the 1700’s, right after her interference during a slave auction goes horribly wrong. As he teaches her to navigate (maybe 'control' would be better.) the intricacies of the her gift, she's finds herself inexplicably drawn to him—something she soon discovers lies in their collective past they share. (Some filtering here that I've cut. Tighten.)

When her grandmother dies suddenly in the present, Mica aims to reclaim lost time by seeking her in the past. (How does Mica know her grandmother died if she's in the 1700s? I'm becoming a little lost. It feels like some pieces are missing here. Does the end of this sentence mean she is trying to change her grandmother's death?) Only she’s thrust into 1586 with Gianluca, right in the middle of Sir Francis Drake’s infamous attack on Cartagena. With the only exit to the city blocked by pirates and Gianluca wounded (Does she use exits to time travel? I'm not sure the exit is necessary to her. Maybe: With pirates pounding the city and Gianluca wounded,) , Mica has no choice but to finally solve the riddle—or risk losing everything and everyone she holds dear. (I find these stakes a little unclear. What does she want? What's keeping her from getting it? What will happen if she fails? Does it relate to her grandmother? Or does it relate to her shared past with Gianluca? That got lost. I do like queries that bring something from the first paragraph back into the sinker line so maybe connect back to the grandmother.) 

THROUGH THE WALLED CITY, a YA novel with magical realism elements, is a story about the power of faith and unlikely second chances. It’s complete at 56,000 words. Word count may be a little low.

I’m a proud Colombian-American. During a recent trip to Cartagena, I was fascinated by its diversity and the richness of its past and knew it was the perfect setting for Mica’s story. I hold BA and MA degrees in English Literature from Florida International University and a certificate in fiction from UCLA Extension Writers’ Program. I’m also an active member of SCBWI and AWP. Strong bio and all important credits. 

Sincerely,

What's missing here, to me, is Mica's motivation. What exactly does she want? Does she want out of here? Does she want to do more time traveling? Is family what makes her tick? Or romance?

Does she need to figure out her shared past with Gianluca or save her grandmother? Or a combo of the two?

And what sort of person is she? She's skeptical about her grandmother's tales but what else? Is she shy? Outgoing? Athletic? I'd like a better sense of her.

Fall Query Extravaganza 16

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. Right now my queue is full.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Ms. (Agent):

I saw on your blog that you are looking for Women’s Fiction submissions. I hope you’ll enjoy RUNNING WITH SYRINGES, my novel about a nursing student facing an important question- can she give her patients the kind of care they deserve without losing too much of herself?

The guidance counselor must have been high when she encouraged Morgan to major in psychology, because even with straight A’s, Morgan can’t find a job. Forced to find a new path, Morgan discovers a different way of making a difference: an accelerated nursing program.

Morgan loves her new career, even if an unfortunate suppository incident, a heartbeat on a very dead body, and flirting with her classmate before realizing there’s vomit in her hair make her feel closer to Nurse Ratched than Florence Nightingale. But when Morgan receives the devastating news that her favorite patient has only six months to live, she realizes that there’s more to nursing than taking vital signs and giving medication. Faced with the reality that she can’t care for people without caring about them, Morgan must find a way to maintain her own sanity, avoid flunking out of school, and somehow pass her licensing exam—all while saving lives.

Complete at 78,000 words, RUNNING WITH SYRINGES is a work of Women’s Fiction that will appeal to fans of (still trying to come up with one). It is in the spirit of the TV show Scrubs—it is the story of a nursing student using humor and friendship to survive in a hospital full of pain and death.

I am a registered nurse. My blog, Confessions of a Student Nurse (lilk8tob.wordpress.com) has attracted over 1 million hits and is listed as suggested reading in the nursing school textbook Avoiding Common Nursing Errors. Co-Author John Mohler has published in the Chicago Tribune, Sun-Times Media and Bolingbrook Reporter.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

With comments:

Dear Ms. (Agent): Great!

I saw on your blog that you are looking for Women’s Fiction submissions. (Does show you investigated them first. Appropriate if the agent prefers chit-chat in the query.) I hope you’ll enjoy RUNNING WITH SYRINGES (Great title.), my novel about a nursing student facing an important question- can she give her patients the kind of care they deserve without losing too much of herself? My advice is to make sure the setup and personal information aren't longer than the meat of the query. Focus the query about the heart the story. 

The guidance counselor must have been high when she encouraged Morgan to major in psychology, because even with straight A’s, Morgan can’t find a job. (Really like this voice! The sentence might be a tad long. I'd get some more opinions about breaking it into two at 'because.' The guidance counselor must have been high when she encouraged Morgan to major in psychology. Even with straight A's, Morgan can't find a job.) Forced to find a new path, Morgan discovers a different way of making a difference (And there's her motivation! You're showing about her.): an accelerated nursing program.

Morgan loves her new career, even if an unfortunate suppository incident, a heartbeat on a very dead body, and flirting with her classmate while sporting before realizing (used below) there’s vomit in her hair makes her feel closer to Nurse Ratched than Florence Nightingale. But when Morgan receives the devastating news that her favorite patient has only six months to live, she realizes that pushes Morgan to realize there’s more to nursing than taking vital signs and giving medication. Faced with the reality that she can’t care for people without caring about them (Maybe change for sentence variety. The reality is she can't care for people without caring about them. Morgan must maintain her sanity, avoid flunking out of school, and somehow pass her licensing exam--all while saving lives.), Morgan must find a way to maintain her own sanity, avoid flunking out of school, and somehow pass her licensing exam—all while saving lives. As her sanity seems to be the big question, maybe switch its spot with 'saving lives.' You could also cut the licensing part for brevity.  Morgan must save lives and avoid flunking out of school--all while maintaining her sanity.

Complete at 78,000 words, RUNNING WITH SYRINGES is a work of Women’s Fiction that will appeal to fans of (still trying to come up with one). I'm sure readers can help.  It is in the spirit of the TV show Scrubs—it is the story of a nursing student using humor and friendship to survive in a hospital full of pain and death.

I am a registered nurse. My blog, Confessions of a Student Nurse (lilk8tob.wordpress.com) (I'd put the link in your email signature instead of here.) has attracted over 1 million hits and is listed as suggested reading in the nursing school textbook Avoiding Common Nursing Errors. Co-Author John Mohler has published in the Chicago Tribune, Sun-Times Media and Bolingbrook Reporter.(Great bio.)

Thank you for your time and consideration,

I like the style of this query. It has humor and voice, both things that can make it stand out among the hundreds of queries an agent receives. It shows us something about the main character and also use specific details.

Fall Query Extravaganza 15

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. Right now my queue is full.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear (agent's name), 
 
I am hoping to interest you in my adult fantasy novel, The Deep Caller, complete at 90,000 words. 
 
Lori’s ability to locate buried artifacts borders on the supernatural—even for an expert archeologist. But excavating triggers depression, and her nightmares about a graveyard of the living grow worse. She’s abandoning archeology, even if it means breaking her grandfather’s heart and tearing her hands away from the soil that inexplicably draws her.
 
But while assisting at The British Museum’s latest exhibit, she sees the pottery shard: an artifact that looks ordinary, but then whispers her name. The exhibit opens, and she sees a man grief-struck upon seeing the shard, as though it confirms the death of a friend. Anxious to understand why the shard seems alive to her and represents death to him, she follows him—through a rip in the air. 
 
She finds herself in Ellanfri, a world threatened by a king intent on controlling the true heirs of the land. Buried in the soil are the sleeping ancestors and ancient stones that hold the secrets to stopping him, if awoken and restored by a Deep Caller. But that bloodline was destroyed hundreds of years ago. Yet as Lori unravels the story of the pottery shard, she discovers the healing power in her hands and the truth about her identity: she is a Deep Caller, and Ellanfri’s last hope. 
 
I appreciate your time! If you are interested, I would be happy to send you more chapters.  
 
Sincerely,

With some comments:

Dear (agent's name), 
 
I am hoping to interest you in my adult fantasy novel, The Deep Caller (usually titles are done in all caps or in italics), complete at 90,000 words. Solid word count level for adult fantasy.
 
Lori’s ability to locate buried artifacts borders on the supernatural—even for an expert archeologist (My computer says that's spelled wrong--archaeologist. Is there a British and American version of this word?). Interesting start! It's different! But excavating triggers depression, and her nightmares about a graveyard of the living grow worse. Curious! She’s abandoning archeology, even if it means breaking her grandfather’s heart(comma-- seems like an aside) and tearing her hands away from the soil that inexplicably draws her.
 
But while assisting at The British Museum’s latest exhibit, she seesencounters the pottery shard: an artifact that looks appears ordinary, but then whispers her name. The exhibit opens, and she sees reveals (You lost me here with the three-peat of the word 'see.' And 'she sees' is filtering. Change up those verbs and pick more active ones. Always active verbs.)  a man grief-struck upon seeing the same shard, as though it confirms (I don't think 'confirms' hits the sweet spot here. The meaning isn't exactly right. announces? proclaims? publicizes?) the death of a friend. Anxious to understand why the shard seems alive to her and represents death to him, she follows him—through a rip in the air. (Aw! It's a portal fantasy!)
 
She finds herself in Ellanfri (This is where I felt a flat note. It's lacking emotion. What does she feel? Disoriented and shocked, she finds herself reeling in a alien world threatened by a false king, intent on controlling the true heirs of the Ellanfri.), a world threatened by a king intent on controlling the true heirs of the land. Buried in the soil are the sleeping ancestors and ancient stones that hold the secrets to stopping him, if awoken and restored. by a Deep Caller (Consider cutting 'by a Deep Caller' and what goes with it. It might be my opinion only, but when we get into the realm of chosen ones, I start to lose interest. I felt more interest for Lori when she was a plain nobody, not the destined savior. The query might be more exciting with just the stakes given here. Why does she want to help Ellanfri? What's in it for Lori? What happens if she fails?). But that bloodline was destroyed hundreds of years ago. Yet as Lori unravels the story of the pottery shard, she discovers the healing power in her hands and the truth about her identity: she is a Deep Caller(I don't think we need to be told. It becomes apparent from the first mention, which is why I think it should all go. No suspense. Lori must restore the rightful rulers or ...Also consider working the grandfather back into the stakes. It's always a neat touch to bring the query back around full circle. Lori must restore the rightful rulers to return to her grandfather or ...), and Ellanfri’s last hope. 
 
I appreciate your time! Personal feeling, but I'd hold the exclamation points in the query and save them for requests. Stay business-like here and go emotional later.  If you are interested, I would be happy to send you more chapters.  I'd probably cut the last sentence as you don't want to seem needy or too anxious. Portray confidence. 
 
Sincerely,

You've got something unique going here with your concept. Lean on that feature of your query. Take out what is cliche or overdone (like the chosen one part, sorry) Work in what Lori feels about the mess she's landed in the middle of, and increase the stakes. What will happen if Lori fails? 

Fall Query Extravaganza 14

If you'd like to win a private query + first chapter critique from me in celebration of 100K page views, go here. 

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. Right now my queue is full.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Attn. Agent:

I am seeking an agent for DIFFRACTED, my young adult, urban fantasy novel. It is complete at 68,000 words and takes place in Prism, a civilization based on South Africa’s apartheid society.

When the Red King and Queen give birth to Zander, their only son and heir to the throne, his Violet skin challenges Prism’s segregated society and prohibits him from integrating with the Reds despite his royal lineage. The racist remarks, the looks of hatred from unashamed bigots, and the unfair treatment from his teacher and parents begin to wear him down. He almost looks forward to his Diffraction—the royal law decreeing that citizens must reside within their own skin color’s region.

As fifteen-year-old Zander struggles to adjust to his new life among the Violets after the Diffraction, he learns they need his assistance for what they covet: equality. With Zander’s insider knowledge of the Palace’s inner workings, he is the only person who could overthrow the king and queen. As he gains more information about the coup, Zander realizes his involvement could have devastating consequences, leaving him to question what is more important: the lives of his two parents, or the well-being of the hundreds of Violets who suffer under their rule.

This manuscript was influenced by my focus on African Studies at Yale University and Emory University and draws heavily from my three classes on South Africa. I am also a member of the SCBWI.  DIFFRACTED has series potential, but it can stand alone as is. Due to your interest in young adult fiction, I am querying you because I believe you would be an ideal representative for this project. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

With my comments: 

Attn. Agent: Using 'Attention' might sound a little like a public address announcement at the airport. Go for the more informal and relaxed 'dear.' Never forget that agents are people too, not just giant amazing figures on pedestals. 

I am seeking an agent for DIFFRACTED, my young adult, urban fantasy novel. It is complete at 68,000 words and takes place in Prism, a civilization based on South Africa’s apartheid society. Interesting concept. Word count might be a little low for a fantasy. 

When the Red King and Queen give birth to Zander, their only son and heir to the throne, his Violet skin challenges Prism’s segregated society and prohibits him from integrating with the Reds despite his royal lineage. This sentence is a large bite to digest at once. I'd probably break it down some. Zander, only son and heir of the Red King and Queen, is born with Violet skin. Even his royal lineage can't break the segregation that prohibits him from Red society.  The racist remarks, the looks of hatred from unashamed bigots, and the unfair treatment from his teacher and parents begin to wears him down (Again with the try--'begins'--, my padawan. Yoda says go straight for stronger sentences.) He almost looks forward to his Diffraction—the royal law decreeing that citizens must reside within their own skin color’s region. 'Almost' weakens your sentence also. Here is a good spot to work in his age. His Diffraction at age X--the royal law decreeing citizens must reside within their own color region--is a relief.  I put 'is' because it sounds like the event has already happened. 

As fifteen-year-old  (cut because I put it in sooner) Zander struggles to adjust to his new life among the Violets. after the Diffraction (understood) Be specific here, how is their life different. Give us a reason to care about their plight. So far it just seems they have to live apart. Are they separate but equal? Are they in slums? Beat and tortured? Slaves? , he learns After all, they need his assistance for what they covet: equality. With Zander’s insider knowledge of the Palace’s inner (You don't need 'insider' and 'inner'.) workings, he is the only person who could overthrow the king and queen. Why? What does he know that will save the day? Sounds like he can lead the Violets into the palace. With Zander's memory of the palace, he's the only person who can take them inside to overthrow the king and queen. I'm still not getting a good sense of the difference between the groups. As he gains more information about the coup, Zander realizes his involvement could have devastating consequences. Again I'd probably shorten and end the sentence right here. Don't be afraid to give a little more detail., leaving him to question what is more important: This is real subjective, but I'd stick with one colon per query. Otherwise agents might wonder if all your writing is complicated and it comes across as stiff. the lives of his two parents, or the well-being of the hundreds of Violets who suffer under their rule. He'll have to weigh the lives of his parents against the well-being of hundreds of Violets who suffer under their rule. 

First, we haven't seen how they are suffering yet. Second, his parents weren't so great to him. This may not be a hard decision for Zander. 

This manuscript was influenced by my focus on African Studies at Yale University and Emory University and draws heavily from my three I don't think we need to number, and thus limit, the information. classes on South Africa. I am also a member of the SCBWI. All useful information! DIFFRACTED has series potential, but it can stand alone as is. Due to your interest in young adult fiction, I am querying you because I believe you would be an ideal representative for this project. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. Again personal preference, but I like to get the bio, genre and word count all in one paragraph. It just makes the query look better by limiting the paragraphs and it does join everything neatly as far as flow goes. 

Sincerely,

You need to give us a better sense of what is at stake for the Violets. How are they suffering? How are the Reds getting the best of everything? And be more concise on how Zander can help them overthrow the Reds.

If possible, give us more about why Zander is torn between his parents and the Violets. Does he still love them? What are his feelings toward his parents? 

Fall Query Extravaganza 13

Lucky number 13! This calls for some pet pictures! Sorry folks, can't resist. 

Yeah, he's that weird, but it's Darwin's birthday.

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. Right now my queue is full.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

The kitty we found now living in high style at my sister's house.

As sent to me:

Dear Agent,

My previous agent and I have parted ways. As such I'm querying again and wondering if you would be interested in representing my latest young adult novel, as well as future works of mine.

While the rest of humanity slumbers, Alison Kingston spends her nights battling creatures known as Nightmares. These beastly terrors threaten to plunge the world into chaos and misery not seen since the dark ages. When the tall, dark, and annoying Addison Hatta charmed Alice into his life, she expected things to be less guts more glory. Instead, the battles grow bloodier, the days darker, and her partner a little mad…—er.

Hatta’s deteriorating mental state eventually takes a physical toll, and Alice crosses into his home world of Wonderland—the realm of Dreams—to find answers. She discovers a growing horror in the heart of the realm. The Nightmares are
stronger there, viler, and ruled by The Black Knight, whose sharp wit and sly compliments disarm Alice better than any weapon. With his power over the Nightmares, the Black Knight unleashes a cataclysm that threatens to devour Wonderland from the inside, and Hatta along with it. Countering the spell would save Addison’s life, but the Backlash could shatter the bridge between worlds, throwing them off balance, and casting both into eternal terror.

DREAMWALKER is a young adult fantasy with series potential. The whimsy of Alice in Wonderland meets the unadulterated ass-kickery of Buffy in this story complete at 87,000 words. Per your submission guidelines, I’ve included _________. Thank you for your time and consideration.

All the best,

With comments: 

Dear Agent, Some say a comma is fine instead of a colon so take your pick. I doubt it will make or break the query.

My previous agent and I have parted ways. I imagine this will perk up some eyes. This writer was wanted.  As such I'm querying again with and wondering if you would be interested in representing I crossed this out because it seemed a little needy instead of confident. my latest young adult novel, as well as future works of mine.Nice that this lets the agent know you are querying something new and not what the other agent might have already submitted.

While the rest of humanity slumbers, Alison Kingston spends her nights battling creatures known as Nightmares. These beastly terrors threaten to plunge the world into chaos and misery not seen since the dark ages. I'm a little torn on wanting a more specific example at the front of this sentence. When the tall, dark, and annoying (maybe 'unstable' instead of 'annoying' to show where the query takes us next. Maybe also 'non-Earthling' to prepare for the next paragraph. When the tall, dark, but unstable non-Earthling) Addison Hatta charmed Alice into this life, she expected things to be less guts more glory. Instead, the battles grow bloodier, the days darker, and her partner a little mad…—er. Again, I wanted a little something specific to give me a better idea of what she's dealing with. Instead Alice is up to her elbows in the blood of bystanders, the moon's hiding its face, and her partner sees enemies everywhere, even in the daycare down the block. 

Hatta’s deteriorating mental state eventually takes a physical toll (eventually leaves him shaking and ridden by headaches or whatever), and Alice together they cross crosses into his home world of Wonderland—the realm of Dreams—to find answers (help him? save him? Something that lets us know what she feels about her partner. Her emotion toward him is missing.). She discovers a growing horror in the heart of the realm. The Nightmares are stronger there, viler, and ruled by The Black Knight, whose sharp wit and sly compliments disarm Alice better(faster?) than any weapon. With his power over the Nightmares, the Black Knight unleashes a cataclysm that threatens to devour Wonderland from the inside, and Hatta along with it (Wait, did he go with her? Better make that clear.). Countering the spell would save Addison’s life, but the backlash could shatter the bridge between worlds, throwing them (does this mean the worlds or the characters. Pronoun confusion.) off balance, and casting both (both characters or both worlds?) into eternal terror. (Can you be more clear on what the 'eternal terror' is? Does that mean they have to live among the Nightmares forever?) Seems like destroying the bridge would be a good thing for Earth, but I think you're saying that's not true.

DREAMWALKER is a young adult fantasy with series potential. The whimsy of Alice in Wonderland meets the unadulterated ass-kickery of Buffy in this story complete at 87,000 words. Per your submission guidelines, I’ve included _________. Thank you for your time and consideration.

All the best, I usually let 'thank you for your time...' handle both jobs: the thanks and the closing. Again it's subjective.

I found this query pretty clear and in good shape. What I'd like to see is Alison's feelings toward her partner. Is it a romantic thing or a loyalty thing? I'm a sucker for a romantic thing between work partners. (Castle anyone?)