Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear (agent's name),
I am hoping to interest you in my adult fantasy novel, The Deep Caller, complete at 90,000 words.
Lori’s ability to locate buried artifacts borders on the supernatural—even for an expert archeologist. But excavating triggers depression, and her nightmares about a graveyard of the living grow worse. She’s abandoning archeology, even if it means breaking her grandfather’s heart and tearing her hands away from the soil that inexplicably draws her.
But while assisting at The British Museum’s latest exhibit, she sees the pottery shard: an artifact that looks ordinary, but then whispers her name. The exhibit opens, and she sees a man grief-struck upon seeing the shard, as though it confirms the death of a friend. Anxious to understand why the shard seems alive to her and represents death to him, she follows him—through a rip in the air.
She finds herself in Ellanfri, a world threatened by a king intent on controlling the true heirs of the land. Buried in the soil are the sleeping ancestors and ancient stones that hold the secrets to stopping him, if awoken and restored by a Deep Caller. But that bloodline was destroyed hundreds of years ago. Yet as Lori unravels the story of the pottery shard, she discovers the healing power in her hands and the truth about her identity: she is a Deep Caller, and Ellanfri’s last hope.
I appreciate your time! If you are interested, I would be happy to send you more chapters.
Sincerely,
I am hoping to interest you in my adult fantasy novel, The Deep Caller, complete at 90,000 words.
Lori’s ability to locate buried artifacts borders on the supernatural—even for an expert archeologist. But excavating triggers depression, and her nightmares about a graveyard of the living grow worse. She’s abandoning archeology, even if it means breaking her grandfather’s heart and tearing her hands away from the soil that inexplicably draws her.
But while assisting at The British Museum’s latest exhibit, she sees the pottery shard: an artifact that looks ordinary, but then whispers her name. The exhibit opens, and she sees a man grief-struck upon seeing the shard, as though it confirms the death of a friend. Anxious to understand why the shard seems alive to her and represents death to him, she follows him—through a rip in the air.
She finds herself in Ellanfri, a world threatened by a king intent on controlling the true heirs of the land. Buried in the soil are the sleeping ancestors and ancient stones that hold the secrets to stopping him, if awoken and restored by a Deep Caller. But that bloodline was destroyed hundreds of years ago. Yet as Lori unravels the story of the pottery shard, she discovers the healing power in her hands and the truth about her identity: she is a Deep Caller, and Ellanfri’s last hope.
I appreciate your time! If you are interested, I would be happy to send you more chapters.
Sincerely,
With some comments:
Dear (agent's name),
I am hoping to interest you in my adult fantasy novel, The Deep Caller (usually titles are done in all caps or in italics), complete at 90,000 words. Solid word count level for adult fantasy.
Lori’s ability to locate buried artifacts borders on the supernatural—even for an expert archeologist (My computer says that's spelled wrong--archaeologist. Is there a British and American version of this word?). Interesting start! It's different! But excavating triggers depression, and her nightmares about a graveyard of the living grow worse. Curious! She’s abandoning archeology, even if it means breaking her grandfather’s heart(comma-- seems like an aside) and tearing her hands away from the soil that inexplicably draws her.
But while assisting at The British Museum’s latest exhibit, sheseesencounters the pottery shard: an artifact that looks appears ordinary, but then whispers her name. The exhibit opens, and she sees reveals (You lost me here with the three-peat of the word 'see.' And 'she sees' is filtering. Change up those verbs and pick more active ones. Always active verbs.) a man grief-struck upon seeing the same shard, as though it confirms (I don't think 'confirms' hits the sweet spot here. The meaning isn't exactly right. announces? proclaims? publicizes?) the death of a friend. Anxious to understand why the shard seems alive to her and represents death to him, she follows him—through a rip in the air. (Aw! It's a portal fantasy!)
She finds herself in Ellanfri (This is where I felt a flat note. It's lacking emotion. What does she feel? Disoriented and shocked, she finds herself reeling in a alien world threatened by a false king, intent on controlling the true heirs of the Ellanfri.), a world threatened by a king intent on controlling the true heirs of the land. Buried in the soil arethe sleeping ancestors and ancient stones that hold the secrets to stopping him, if awoken and restored. by a Deep Caller (Consider cutting 'by a Deep Caller' and what goes with it. It might be my opinion only, but when we get into the realm of chosen ones, I start to lose interest. I felt more interest for Lori when she was a plain nobody, not the destined savior. The query might be more exciting with just the stakes given here. Why does she want to help Ellanfri? What's in it for Lori? What happens if she fails?). But that bloodline was destroyed hundreds of years ago. Yet as Lori unravels the story of the pottery shard, she discovers the healing power in her hands and the truth about her identity: she is a Deep Caller(I don't think we need to be told. It becomes apparent from the first mention, which is why I think it should all go. No suspense. Lori must restore the rightful rulers or ...Also consider working the grandfather back into the stakes. It's always a neat touch to bring the query back around full circle. Lori must restore the rightful rulers to return to her grandfather or ...), and Ellanfri’s last hope.
I appreciate your time! Personal feeling, but I'd hold the exclamation points in the query and save them for requests. Stay business-like here and go emotional later. If you are interested, I would be happy to send you more chapters. I'd probably cut the last sentence as you don't want to seem needy or too anxious. Portray confidence.
Sincerely,
I am hoping to interest you in my adult fantasy novel, The Deep Caller (usually titles are done in all caps or in italics), complete at 90,000 words. Solid word count level for adult fantasy.
Lori’s ability to locate buried artifacts borders on the supernatural—even for an expert archeologist (My computer says that's spelled wrong--archaeologist. Is there a British and American version of this word?). Interesting start! It's different! But excavating triggers depression, and her nightmares about a graveyard of the living grow worse. Curious! She’s abandoning archeology, even if it means breaking her grandfather’s heart(comma-- seems like an aside) and tearing her hands away from the soil that inexplicably draws her.
But while assisting at The British Museum’s latest exhibit, she
She finds herself in Ellanfri (This is where I felt a flat note. It's lacking emotion. What does she feel? Disoriented and shocked, she finds herself reeling in a alien world threatened by a false king, intent on controlling the true heirs of the Ellanfri.), a world threatened by a king intent on controlling the true heirs of the land. Buried in the soil are
I appreciate your time
Sincerely,
You've got something unique going here with your concept. Lean on that feature of your query. Take out what is cliche or overdone (like the chosen one part, sorry) Work in what Lori feels about the mess she's landed in the middle of, and increase the stakes. What will happen if Lori fails?
Okay, I like the hook--though I'm pretty sure archaeology is spelled wrong like Michelle said.
ReplyDelete"But while assisting at The British Museum’s latest exhibit, she sees the pottery shard: an artifact that looks ordinary, but then whispers her name. The exhibit opens, and she sees a man grief-struck upon seeing the shard, as though it confirms the death of a friend. Anxious to understand why the shard seems alive to her and represents death to him, she follows him—through a rip in the air." This paragraph I think could be made tighter and little clearer. Literally whispers her name? And this may just be me...but what is a rip in the air?
The paragraph after the above one could also use some tightening. Maybe add some more voice, and only put in the important details. And the stuff that is most different and interesting.
Overall, I like it. But we do need to hear more about the stakes. Add suspense and excitement. What does the story hang on?
Lori’s ability to locate buried artifacts borders on the supernatural—even for an expert archeologist. But excavating triggers depression, and her nightmares about a graveyard of the living grow worse. She’s abandoning archeology, even if it means breaking her grandfather’s heart and tearing her hands away from the soil that inexplicably draws her.
ReplyDelete(I’m not sure you need this last sentence, as it doesn’t add to the query. Her quitting isn’t brought up again, nor is the grandfather. I like the hook of the first sentence, and the interesting component of depression being triggered by excavating.)
But while assisting at The British Museum’s latest exhibit, she sees the pottery shard: an artifact that looks ordinary, but then whispers her name. The exhibit opens, and she sees a man grief-struck upon seeing the shard, as though it confirms the death of a friend. Anxious to understand why the shard seems alive to her and represents death to him, she follows him—through a rip in the air.
(I like how you upped the intrigue with the artifact whispering her name, but I’m not sure I understand the man being grief-struck when he sees the shard, nor how she concludes this means the death of a friend. I think you could explain this better, in a nice voicy way, and t would have greater impact in your query.)
She finds herself in Ellanfri, a world threatened by a king intent on controlling the true heirs of the land. Buried in the soil are the sleeping ancestors and ancient stones that hold the secrets to stopping him, if awoken and restored by a Deep Caller. But that bloodline was destroyed hundreds of years ago. Yet as Lori unravels the story of the pottery shard, she discovers the healing power in her hands and the truth about her identity: she is a Deep Caller, and Ellanfri’s last hope.
(The Deep Caller part seems added in at the end, and like Michelle said, you give it away here, and might want to withhold this information. I’m not sure if being the Deep Caller actually adds much to the stakes of the query. And saving a world, while a great goal, is overdone lately, and you might be best hooking the reader without this tagged on the end.)
Overall, I wonder how much of your MS is focused in the world of Ellanfri, and how much isn’t. If the vast majority takes place in Ellanfri, perhaps you should start the query there. That being said, it sounds like a fun story. I love archaeology, and would be sucked right into a story about someone interacting with artifacts. Best of luck with it!
Your first line is great.
ReplyDeleteThe graveyard of the living confused me. If searching for artifacts depresses her, why does she do it? Need a little more motivation. What is it with the soil or is it the pieces of the past buried in it?
Second para ... you use shard three times and 'she sees' must go.
The third para I lose the mc. Suddenly it's a different world with a nasty king, but what interaction does mc have with him or other people there? What about the guy she followed? And her grandfather ... what does he have to do with the story? Why does she care about this other world? Can she get home? Is she scared of being trapped forever? A prisoner?
Portals to other worlds makes my heart flutter with joy! The ms sounds like a neat idea.