Spring Query Extravaganza -- 7

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My next victim willing participant:

Dear [Ms./Mr.][Agent Last Name]:

[Personalize e.g. I understand you are looking for magical Middle Grade books with funny protagonists]. I’m excited to share MIRA AND THE MAGINS with you, which features a science-minded main character with two moms.

As the homeschooled only child of a U.S. patent attorney and an aerospace engineer, twelve-year-old Mira could have already completed her G.E.D. Instead, her moms decided she should spend the past year preparing to apply to Roebling’s Academy, an elite engineering prep-school in Austria. Mira would love nothing more than to study science at Roebling’s, but it’s hard to get her hopes up about admission when her success or failure to get into the Academy also determines whether her moms receive either much needed lab funding or notoriety.

 And then Mira is accidentally assigned an imaginary friend whom only she can see: Gimmer. Hailing from the Unseen Realm where all sorts of magical creatures like him apparently exist, Gimmer’s unique ability to teleport all over the place is driving Mira nuts. But Gimmer refuses to leave because he needs to meet one last quota of imagination magic to apply for a promotion in his world. After centuries of being looked down upon and ignored by his society just because his magical class is a Secondary color, rather than being a Primary or Tertiary color, Gimmer wants to prove to his world that Secondaries are good for more than just being ‘gofors.’

But, unbeknownst to Gimmer and Mira, the corrupt governing body of Gimmer’s world is close to completing a spell that would enable them to enslave all of humanity with their magic. The only missing piece? Gimmer’s teleport power. They’ve been trying to quietly obtain it for years with no success. More drastic measures must now be taken. To siphon his power—a process with a very high fatality rate—the Council captures Gimmer. Mira will have to decide whether to stay the course of her known, successful future that’s been planned for her entire life, or risk everything she believes in to try and save the life of an imaginary friend she didn’t make up.

MIRA AND THE MAGINS is a 68,000 word middle grade Contemporary Fantasy that can be described as Monsters, Inc. meets THE ART OF WISHING by Lindsay Ribar, sans the fur and romance.

As for me, I am a California video game attorney with a film production degree. I thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

With my crazy comments:

Dear [Ms./Mr.][Agent Last Name]:

[Personalize e.g. I understand you are looking for magical Middle Grade middle grade (Subjective, but to me it looks odd when capitalized.) books with funny protagonists]. I’m excited to share MIRA AND THE MAGINS with you, which features a science-minded main character with two moms.

 As the homeschooled only child of a U.S. patent attorney and an aerospace engineer, twelve-year-old Mira could have already completed her G.E.D. Instead, her moms decided she should spend the past year preparing to apply to Roebling’s Academy, an elite engineering prep-school in Austria. Mira would love nothing more than to study science at Roebling’s, but it’s hard to get her hopes up about admission when her success or failure to get into the Academy also determines whether her moms receive either much needed lab funding or notoriety. (This last sentence is rather long. Maybe it can be simplified. Mira would love to study science at Roebling's, but it's hard to get her hopes up--especially when her failure will cost her moms needed lab funding and clients.)

 And then Mira is accidentally assigned (We've taken an abrupt turn, but I'm flowing with it. Who assigned them together? That info might help ground the reader.)  an imaginary friend whom only she can see: Gimmer. Hailing from the Unseen Realm where all sorts of magical creatures like him apparently exist (this gives it a hint of voice), Gimmer’s unique ability to teleport all over the place is driving Mira nuts. (Tie it to the first paragraph.) How is she supposed to study? But Gimmer(I would rewrite this sentence from Mira's POV. Her attempts to give him the cold shoulder or trick him into leaving fall flat.) refuses to leave because he needs to meet one last quota of imagination magic to apply for a promotion in his world. After centuries of being looked down upon and ignored by his society just because his magical class is a Secondary color, rather than being a Primary or Tertiary color,  (Too much unnecessary detail. It's a subplot, not needed for the query.) Gimmer sees Mira as his chance to wants to prove to his world that Secondaries are he is good for more than just being a ‘gofors.’

But, unbeknownst to Gimmer and Mira, the corrupt governing body of Gimmer’s world is close to completing a spell that would enable them to enslave all of humanity with their magic. Their only missing piece? is Gimmer’s teleport power. They’ve been After trying to quietly obtain it for years with no success., Mmore drastic measures must now be taken. The Council captures Gimmer to siphon his power—a process with a very high fatality rate—the Council captures Gimmer. (End the sentence with the most punch-high fatality.) Mira will have to decide whether to stay the course of her known, successful planned out future that’s been planned for her entire life (I think known and successful says the same thing as planned. I liked planned better.), or risk everything she believes in to try and save the life of an imaginary friend she didn’t make up. (she didn't know she loved? the imaginary pain-in-the-bottom she didn't know she loved? The imaginary pain-in-the-bottom she can't live without? Play around with adding more voice to it.) 

MIRA AND THE MAGINS is a 68,000 (It's on the wordy side for MG, but I've seen ms longer sell.) word middle grade Contemporary Fantasy contemporary fantasy that can be described as Monsters, Inc. meets THE ART OF WISHING The Art of Wishing (Keep the comp titles smaller than your title.) by Lindsay Ribar, sans the fur and romance.

As for me, I am a California video game attorney with a film production degree. I thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

A little trimming to take off some tangent side plot. A little rewording to shorten some sentences. A little added voice. And this query will be all set!

Just remember it's all subjective and change what works for you. I hope this helps. 

Spring Query Extravaganza -- 6

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My next victim willing participant:

Sherlock Holmes meets Fullmetal Alchemist when an ex-army doctor teams up with a fey magician to solve his patient's murder. WITCHMARK is a 76,000-word adult fantasy novel with romantic elements set in a world with magic and early 20th-century technology.

Dr. Miles Singer, a veteran returned from a recent war, has faked his death to work at a cash-strapped veteran's hospital. His quiet life hangs in jeopardy when a fatally poisoned patient begs him to find his murderer. Miles promises and the patient dies, but not before he exposes Miles's secret healing powers to a witness. Instead of reporting him as a witch, the witness wants to help Miles investigate.

Miles retraces the victim's last days in the company of Tristan Hunter, a fellow-magician he shouldn't be falling for. They pursue a murderer who steals or destroys evidence faster than they can find leads. When Miles and Tristan discover the secret Miles's patient was murdered to keep, they must choose between ignoring the suffering of the unseen few to live in comfort, or bringing down the technological advancements that millions depend on.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

With my crazy comments:

Dear : (I'm sure the writer just left this off when sending to me.)

Sherlock Holmes meets Fullmetal Alchemist when an ex-army doctor teams up with a fey magician to solve his patient's murder. WITCHMARK is a 76,000-word adult LGBT fantasy novel with romantic elements set in a world with magic and early 20th-century technology. (Intriguing. The word count might be a little low for adult. But I would spell out the type of technology by using examples, such as: airships and steam engines.)

Dr. Miles Singer, a veteran returned from a recent war, has faked his death to work at a cash-strapped veteran's hospital. (Why fake his death? Is there a reason he can't work where he wants? I think explaining this would clear up some questions and provide his motivation.) His quiet life hangs in jeopardy when a fatally poisoned patient begs him to find his murderer. Miles promises and the patient dies, but not before he exposes Miles's secret healing powers to a witness.(I hope the patient revealed him accidentally. But I'm confused. Is Miles the ex-army doctor? Is the witness the magician? That's why maybe it's better to put your genre/word count paragraph last so the reader doesn't form expectations of people they expect to see in the query.) Instead of reporting him as a witch, the witness wants to help Miles investigate.

Miles retraces the victim's last days in the company of Tristan Hunter, a fellow-magician he shouldn't be falling for. (So Tristan is the witness and the fey sorcerer? I would just use his name above and save some confusion. But this makes it sound like they both have magic. The opening paragraph implied only one did. Tristan and Miles. So would this be a LGBT story? That should for sure be in the genre paragraph.) They pursue a murderer who steals or destroys evidence faster than they can find leads. (This doesn't tell us much. I still feel in the dark about the main plot.) When Miles and Tristan discover the secret Miles's patient was murdered to keep (Too vague. You won't entice the reader by keeping them in the dark. What secret?) , they must choose between ignoring the suffering of the unseen few(What suffering?) to live in comfort, or bringing down the technological advancements (What sort of advancements?) that millions depend on.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think this query is suffering from vagueness and too few details. It could be that the author is trying so hard to leave something surprising in the manuscript that they are unintentionally hurting their chances. I am unsure of the larger plot beyond a patient being poisoned. I don't know what the antagonist is trying to accomplish or what Miles has to save the world from. There are mentions of technology in the query but not enough world building to show us what sort of technology.

The meat of the query is only two paragraphs. There is plenty of space to expand and gives us the heart of the story by rewriting the vague parts, providing the MC motivation and showing how the problem escalates. It sounds like a fantastic story if we had more details. I hope this helps.

Spring Query Extravaganza - 5

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query.

My next victim willing participant:

Dear agent,

Seventeen-year-old Sierra Redstone would kill to rule the Las Vegas sorcerers. With her ability to turn anyone into a desiccated husk and no real competition, everyone but Grandfather knows she’s next in line. But when Sierra’s cousin unexpectedly develops shape-shifting powers, Sierra finds herself demoted to second place.

Desperate for an edge, she seeks out the sorcerer’s enemies: the sages.  She pretends to be a normal girl and convinces the grandmotherly-but-deadly Constance to teach her a different kind of magic. All she has to do is swear on her life to be a loyal apprentice—an oath she breaks even as she makes it.

As she learns to trust her mentor, Sierra wonders what it would be like to be one of the good guys. If she betrays Constance she could gain the power she’s always wanted, but if she betrays her clan she could become the decent person she’s already pretending to be.

            A young adult urban fantasy that’s less about teen romance and more about redemption, Bluffing, Raising, Folding is The Godfather meets Mean Girls in Las Vegas with magic.

My short story and flash fiction will be published in the United Author’s Association 2015 Anthology. I have a degree in psychology and a husband who grew up in Las Vegas.

Thank you for your Consideration,

With my added comments:

Dear agent, (First off, colon here. Second, I've changed the query to a more usual format. I really can't read a query well unless it is in this format. I'll bet agents feel the same. A query letter should be single spaced with a return between paragraphs. Never indent paragraphs in a query letter that you will send by email. You do indent paragraphs and double space any pages you attach or paste in the email for the agent.)

Seventeen-year-old Sierra Redstone would kill (After reading the whole query I wonder if you could use a more interesting word than "kill." Voice this up! Seventeen-year-old Sierra Redstone would kill to rule the Las Vegas sorcerers. And that's no exaggeration. )  to rule the Las Vegas sorcerers. With her ability to turn anyone into a desiccated husk and no real competition (Interesting. I'm wondering if this implies she has the nerve and will to do it. Maybe add that in if it's true. A heartless MC is different and different is good in a ms), everyone but Grandfather (Grandfather never gets mentioned again so I'd cut or add him below or in the last paragraph.) knows she’s next in line. But when Sierra’s cousin unexpectedly develops shape-shifting powers, Sierra finds herself demoted to second place. (A twist! This had me taking notice. I'd voice this up. Something like:  ...Sierra finds herself kicked to the curb, demoted to second place.)

Desperate for an edge, she seeks out the sorcerer’s(This confused me. Her cousin's enemies? Her people's enemies? Again, I find this different and intriguing. Maybe voice this up, too. Something like: Hell hath no fury like a sorceress scorned. Desperate for an edge ...) enemies: the sages.  She pretends to be a normal girl (human?) and convinces the grandmotherly-but-deadly Constance to teach her a different kind of magic. All she has to do is swear on her life to be a loyal apprentice—an oath she breaks even as she makes it. (She's awesome! I'd give an example of how she breaks it if you can do it in a few words.)

As she learns to trust her mentor, Sierra wonders what it would be like to be one of the good guys.(Hmm. You need to make it clear earlier in the query that sages are good/sorcerers=bad. I assumed it was just Sierra who is bad.) If she betrays Constance she could will gain the power she’s always wanted, but if she betrays her clan she could become the decent person she’s been already pretending to be.

A young adult urban fantasy that’s less about teen romance and more about redemption, Bluffing, Raising, Folding(BLUFFING, RAISING, AND FOLDING all caps because obviously your story should be bigger than the comp titles.) is The Godfather meets Mean Girls (Love this!), set in Las Vegas with magic. (There's no word count here, but this could be a WIP. When you send a query it should include the word count.) 

My short story and flash fiction (Are these two different stories? Try: One of my short stories and a piece of my flash fiction) will be published in the United Author’s Association 2015 Anthology. I have a degree in psychology and a husband who grew up in Las Vegas.

Thank you for your Consideration, (I'm not sure why "Consideration" has a capital letter. It's a little odd. Maybe a typo. ;-) 

My subjective opinion is that this query has a lot of points that catch my attention. There's a few twists and unexpected character traits. I would look at the pages. Throwing the voice of your character into the wording with some short phrases would really make this query stand out. 

Spring Query Extravaganza- 4

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My next victim willing participant:

Dear [Agent’s Name],

Seventeen-year-old Dee is a young priestess born with the Sight and the gift of “divine intuition.” The only healer-in-training in her village with any knowledge of how to care for the Fae, she believes war is brewing between the Twilight Realm and the human world. She’s already lost an eye to the conflict; to survive the coming war, she plans to keep her head down and help the Fae deal with the humans as best she can.

Then, on a trip to the city, a group of men with murder on their minds recognize her as Sight-blessed. Brutally attacked, she only survives when two Elven girls – one with a silver arm – and a black wolf come to her rescue. The silver-armed girl is Nuala, the exiled princess from one of the Fae kingdoms; the wolf is Bryon, a cursed Elven prince and Nuala’s twin brother. The other Elf is Zhenying Phoenix-Child, another disgraced royal. Though they loathe humans, honor compels them to rescue Dee. Fate forces Dee further into their lives when Bryon is injured and Dee must try to heal him, and she realizes she’s developed feelings for him…and for Nuala. Feelings both Elves can’t help but return, despite the mounting tensions between their peoples, and despite the fact that Nuala is repulsed by physical intimacy.

Dragged into the Twilight Realm and to the Elven court in order to protect the three Elves from an aging and willfully ignorant king, Dee must adapt quickly to Fae politics and new cultures while trying to balance her devotion to her God, her loyalty to Nuala as future queen, and her oaths as a healer. Too many Fae are willing to do whatever it takes to start a war – including kill a human girl – or assassinate a disgraced Elven princess in order to try and stop one.

Ken Liu’s The Grace of Kings meets Anne Bishop’s The Others in THE SILVER PRINCESS, a YA science-fantasy novel rounding off at 95,000 words. THE SILVER PRINCESS features a genderbent Irish legend (Nuada of the Silver Hand as a biracial girl) in an expansive, glittering, and dangerous Faerie world drawing on various mythologies from around the world. I saw on [your MSWL/#WeNeedDiverseBooks twitter post/etc] that you’re looking for more [LGBT+/something else]; my four main characters are people of color, and Zhenying is a phoenix-child – a transgender young woman. Nuala is biromantic/asexual, and Dee is bisexual.

Sincerely,

With my crazy comments:

Dear [Agent’s Name], (I'm going to keep beating the dead horse, so colon and not a comma.) 

Seventeen-year-old Dee is a young priestess born with the Sight and the gift of “divine intuition.” The only healer-in-training in her village with any knowledge of how to care for the Fae (Your first two sentences actually say the same thing, but the second one is much more interesting. The first makes her sound like "the chosen one" and kinda stuffy. I'd consider cutting the first.), s She believes war is brewing between the Twilight Realm and the human world. She’s already lost After already losing an eye to the conflict (And bingo! This makes her interesting!) ; to survive the coming war, she plans to keep her head down and help the Fae deal with the humans as best she can.

Then, on a trip to the city, a group of men with murder on their minds recognize her Dee as Sight-blessed. Brutally attacked, she only survives when two Elven girls (I'm a little confused that they are elves instead of Fae. I've always considered those a separate races in fantasy and the first paragraph talked about Fae.) – one with a silver arm – and a black wolf come to her rescue (I'm not sure those are details we really need. This is veering off to become more like a synopsis.). The silver-armed girl is Nuala, the exiled princess from one of the Fae kingdoms; the wolf is Bryon, a cursed Elven prince and Nuala’s twin brother. The other Elf is Zhenying Phoenix-Child, another disgraced royal. Though they loathe humans, honor compels them to rescue Dee. Fate forces Dee further into their lives when Bryon is injured and Dee must try to heal him, and she realizes she’s developed feelings for him…and for Nuala. Feelings both Elves can’t help but return, despite the mounting tensions between their peoples, and despite the fact that Nuala is repulsed by physical intimacy. (This paragraph really needs condensed and simplified. Something like:)

Dee is set upon by her own kind while traveling and rescued by three elves, including an exiled Fae princess, Nuala. Though they loathe humans, honor compels them to save her life. Dee attempts to return the favor by nursing the injured elves back to health, only to begin falling for Nuala--and her brother. Yet, the mounting tension between their people and Nuala's repulsion of physical intimacy hold them apart.    

Dragged into the Twilight Realm and to the Elven court in order to protect the three Elves from an aging and willfully ignorant king, Dee must adapt quickly to Fae politics and new cultures while trying to balance her devotion to her God, her loyalty to Nuala as future queen, and her oaths as a healer. (This sentence is HUGE! (A little election humor.) I'd break this sucker up. Dee is dragged into the Twilight Realm in order to protect her new friends. She must adapt to Fae politics and their culture, while trying to balance her religion and oaths as a healer, but most of all, get a handle on her feelings.) If she fails, too many Fae are willing to do whatever it takes to start a war – including kill a human girl or assassinate a disgraced Elven princess. in order to try and stop one.(I'm not sure the stakes you are using are the best ones for the story. You leave out Dee's feelings. And maybe it would be better to focus on getting Nuala back in line for the throne to stop the war by moving that to the last sentence.)
  

Ken Liu’s The Grace of Kings meets Anne Bishop’s The Others (This is real subjective but having the comps here makes this sentence very busy. They have the tendency to drown out your book. I would put your book first and then list the comps.) in THE SILVER PRINCESS, a YA science-fantasy novel rounding off at 95,000 words. THE SILVER PRINCESS features a genderbent Irish legend (Nuada of the Silver Hand as a biracial girl) in an expansive, glittering, and dangerous Faerie world drawing on various mythologies from around the world. I saw on [your MSWL/#WeNeedDiverseBooks twitter post/etc] that you’re looking for more [LGBT+/something else]; my four main characters are people of color, and include Zhenying is a phoenix-child – a transgender young woman. Nuala is, a biromantic/asexual, and Dee is a bisexual.

Sincerely,

The author asks how she can demonstrate that her book contains diverse characters. The best way is to include that when you describe the plot. I think the LGBT and asexual information is carrying over into the plot paragraphs. If Dee is a character of color, you might be able to work that info into the first paragraph. I would leave it to your pages to show the rest. You can continue to list the diversity at the end of your query, but I'd shorten the list and simplify it as suggested above.

I think this query would benefit the most from cutting the less important details and cleaning up some wording. Also the stakes could be made more dramatic to give the query an extra pop of excitement at the end.    

Spring Query Extravaganza 2016-- 3

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My next victim willing participant:

Dear Amazing Agent,

Thank you for considering my debut YA Horror, complete at around 68,000 words. I am a member of SCBWI and RMFW. 

CAMILLA is a PK (pastor kid), who lost faith after her prayers failed to cure her mom's cancer. When her dad, PERRY, uproots her 1400 miles away from home in upstate New York, to small town Clayette, LA, Cam decides to try a Ouija board to communicate with her mother's spirit, unleashing an unseen evil that inhabits her new house.

A mysterious break in, unexplainable sounds, and a chair that moves on its own lead Cam to believe her new house is haunted. Perry doesn't believe any of it, wonders if she's high, and on top of that gets a dog for "security". Cam was attacked by a family dog as a child and resents her dad for not understanding her phobia.

This only drives a stake between Cam and Perry, and Cam can't help but feel the new house is enjoying their animosity.

After the house hurts Perry, Cam decides to destroy the house by burning it down, so it can't harm her or anyone else's family ever again. But the house is ready for her, and it won't go quietly.

FALL OF THE SPARROW follows a grieving teenager and her dad as they fight to survive a possessed home and search for closure and forgiveness.

Thank you,

With my comments added:

Dear Amazing Agent, (Again, nit-picky advice would be to use a colon for a business letter.)

Thank you for considering my debut (There are downsides to including "debut" in your query. Some agents are going to assume that equals inexperienced. That number might be larger than the number of agents it inspires. Also, you want your title in this sentence, too. )  YA Horror, FALL OF THE SPARROW, complete at around 68,000 words. I am a member of SCBWI and RMFW. 

CAMILLA (I've seen all caps used on character names for a synopsis, but it isn't done for a query. Most YA queries include an age when the main character is introduced. Seventeen-year-old or Sixteen-year-old for example.)  is a PK (pastor kid), (Interesting.) who lost faith after her prayers failed to cure her mom's cancer. When her dad, PERRY, (Probably don't need his name. Dad's are secondary characters in YA.)  uproots her 1400 miles away (Not a necessary detail as we know it's far from NY to LA.) from home in upstate New York, to small town Clayette, LA Louisiana, Cam decides to try a Ouija board to communicate with her mother's spirit, unleashing an unseen evil that inhabits her new house.

A mysterious break in, unexplainable unexplained sounds, and a chair that moves on its own lead Cam to believe her new house is haunted. Perry Her dad doesn't believe buy (You just used believe. Never repeat a major word if you can help it.) any of it, wonders if she's high, and on top of that gets a dog for "security,".  despite Cam was being attacked by a family dog as a child and resents her dad for not understanding her phobia. (This sentence sounds very explainy. Let the reader draw their own conclusions.) 

This only drives a stake between Cam and Perry her dad, and Cam can't help but feel the new house is enjoying their animosity.(This is perhaps the creepiest part so far of the query. It's pretty mild. I would enlarge on the rift between her and her father. Does the house use that against them? That would be interesting.)

After the house hurts Perryher dad (Be specific. Breaks his leg? Causes him to fall from the roof?) , Cam decides to destroy the house by burning it down, so it can't harm her or anyone else's family ever again (Does she find out the house has a history of hurting the occupants? That could be an important fact.). But the house is ready for her, and it won't go quietly. (I'm not finding the language of this last sentence very inspiring. The wording doesn't bring horror to my mind. I wish I could give a good example, but I'm terrible at horror. Maybe just tweak the word choices but keep the idea!)

FALL OF THE SPARROW follows a grieving teenager and her dad as they fight to survive a possessed home and search for closure and forgiveness. (I think this paragraph can go. It's just repeating what the query has already told us. All the important data is above.)

Thank you,

What I like about this query is that it is very clear and easy to follow. It's not confusing, but sets out the plot coherently. That is tough to do. I think it is nearly there! 

A couple of things that the author may want to work on in two steps. First, the complexity of the story doesn't seem that deep from the query. I'm sure there is an element of Cam doubting herself, thinking she's going crazy. Some sort of struggle between her and her father. Clearly, the house hurting her father is an escalation of the conflict--so I'm glad to see that. But I think having more complex stakes would be a benefit. Maybe her mother's death comes back into play or Cam's feelings about religion undergoes a transformation. Maybe the Southern history of the house or another unique character who helps her. Her struggles to adjust in LA. Something to show added depth of the plot in just the last paragraph.

Second, I would look for verbs and language more in keeping with horror. Use the words of the query to set a mood. Once you have the basics of the query solid, start playing with the words themselves and make them reflect the creepiness of the actual story. Slip in a few creepy phrases, like unseen fingers brushing the back of her neck in icy waves. Unlike most other genre of query letter, I feel like that is so important for a good horror query. That will make the query stand out from others.

Try to work in some words unique to Louisiana and that whole bayou voodoo heritage. Make it feel more Southern. Give it a twist agents haven't seen before.  

I hope this helps. 

Spring Query Extravaganza 2016 -- 2

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My next victim willing participant:

Dear Ms. Hauck:

Revin always imagined she would raise her son in the only home she’d ever known; she’d watch her younger sisters graduate and get married; and she’d be there for her aging parents.  So when her husband urges her to take their son and flee the besieged city of Kobani, Revin resists as long as possible. When watching her husband and entire family get shot down in front of her finally pushes Revin to escape into neighboring Turkey, she finds herself confronting not only the devastating consequences of the Turks’ prejudices towards Syrian Kurds, but she is also forced to face her own prejudices towards Turks and Armenians.  More urgent is the danger that comes with being a lone woman on the road in a strange country.

Once she believed that fleeing into Turkey would solve her troubles, but here Revin watches her son die as they attempt to make their way to Greece. Drowning in despair, and on the edge of starvation, she gets sucked into prostitution as the only way she can see to survive. When an Armenian man risks everything to save her from being sent back to war-torn Syria, Revin finds a second chance at love, but she must decide which pull is stronger: the desire for safety, or her desire to return to Syria to fight for her home and the autonomy of her people, threatened by genocide and tyranny.

 The horror of her journey is tempered by the surprising discovery of the love of an honorable man, and exacerbated by the rage of her controlling and abusive husband, still very much alive. Now it’s not just the freedom of her homeland that is on the line, but her freedom as a woman as well. When the lives of her lover and her husband are threatened by a jihadist with a grenade, she must decide which life she will save, and her decision will shatter all of their lives. Prejudice can have terrible, far-reaching consequences, but women everywhere want the same things, and Revin draws on her inner strength to find peace and meaning in a war-torn world.

Here is a novel built around a contemporary issue that features a strong woman who must rise to the challenges she faces, a heroine who has universal dreams and can be understood and admired by women everywhere. I hope that this novel fits in with your other women’s fiction. As requested, there follows the first five pages of my novel.

I am a high school English teacher.  Being a mother and a widow, with family living in the Middle East, gives me the confidence to tell Revin’s tale.  Thank you very much for your consideration of Where You Go, a novel complete at 119,000 words.

Sincerely,

With my comments added:

Dear Ms. Hauck: (So far so good.) 

Revin always imagined she would raise her son in the only home she’d ever known,; she’d watch her younger sisters graduate, and get married,; and she’d be there for her aging parents.  So when her husband urges her to take their son and flee the besieged city of Kobani in Syria, Revin resists as long as possible. When watching her husband and entire family get shot down in front of her, it finally pushes Revin to escape into neighboring Turkey, . She finds herself confronting must confront not only the devastating consequences of the Turks’ prejudices towards Syrian Kurds, but she is also forced to face her own prejudices towards Turks and Armenians.  More urgent is the danger that comes with being a lone (You might change "lone" to unprotected or unescorted as she isn't exactly alone. Apparently, her son is with her.) woman on the road in a strange country.

Once she believed that fleeing into Turkey would solve her troubles, but here Revin watches her son dies as they attempt to make their way to Greece. Drowning in despair, and on the edge of starvation, she gets sucked into prostitution as the only way she can see to survive. When an Armenian man risks everything to save her from being sent back to war-torn Syria, Revin finds a second chance at love, but she must decide which pull is stronger: the desire for safety, or her desire to return to Syria to fight for her home and the autonomy of her people, threatened by genocide and tyranny.

 The horror of her journey is tempered by the surprising discovery of the love of an honorable man, and exacerbated by the rage of her controlling and abusive husband,--(I'd use a dash here.) still very much alive. (And here's how it gets worse/escalates! Nice! You always want some kind of escalation in the second or third story paragraph.)  Now it’s not just the freedom of her homeland that is on the line, but her freedom as a woman as well. When the lives of her lover and her husband are threatened by a jihadist with a grenade, she must decide which life she will   to save, and her decision will shatter all of their lives. Prejudice can have terrible, far-reaching consequences, but women everywhere want the same things, and Revin draws on her inner strength to find peace and meaning in a war-torn world. (This isn't the typical sum-up stakes. Instead it is more telling than anything else, but I think it fits with the rest of the query. Normally, I'd say to change it--not this time. It has a real honesty.) 

Here is a novel built around a contemporary issue that features a strong woman who must rise to the challenges she faces, a heroine who has universal dreams and can be understood and admired by women everywhere. I hope that this novel fits in with your other women’s fiction.(I'd do a little rearranging here. Most of this paragraph is telling about themes and such--agents REALLY don't like this in a query--besides, your query has already shown the themes beautifully.) 

Thank you very much for your consideration of Where You Go (WHERE YOU GO I mostly see titles in all caps nowadays. Note: Don't cap your comp titles if you use any-- Only your own title.) , a novel Women's Fiction (Whoops. You need some kind of genre here. I brought it down from the above paragraph.) complete at 119,000 words. As requested, there follows the first five pages of my novel. (I would move this sentence to the start of the paragraph and not the end and throw in the sentence about the pasted pages.) I am a high school English teacher.  Being a mother and a widow, with family living in the Middle East, gives me the confidence to tell Revin’s tale.

  

Sincerely,

With so many agents looking for stories with diversity (an excellent change), this query is sure to get some interest. Throw in the fact that you know the audience --having family in the Middle East--and I can see this getting many requests. What it really needed was some gentle pruning to improve the writing style by cutting excess words.

I urge you to take the same red pen through your manuscript and also prune unneeded words and especially filtering (she heard, she saw, she understood, she watch, etc). Even better find a good critique partner to help you look for things to cut. I'm guessing if there was extra words in the query, the same will be in the manuscript. This subject has a great chance of getting picked up if the writing is clean. 

Good luck and I hope this helped! 

Spring Query Extravaganza 2016- 1

I thought it could be helpful to do a little query feedback before Query Kombat starts next month. It might give a few ideas of what the contest hosts could be looking for in a strong query letter.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My first victim willing participant:

Dear [agent],

[Insert personalisation] REALM OF RUIN is a YA fantasy complete at [word count].

17-year-old Lina is an Aethrian; she can step into the spirit realm. Her bloodline makes her an outcast, and she’s tired of living a sheltered, friendless life. When her adoptive father dies, Lina is devastated - this isn’t the kind of change she had in mind. Rather than taking her chances on the streets, Lina crosses the city to live with the wealthy Vaughn Casimir.

But Lina soon discovers that Vaughn’s riches stem from a sinister line of work, and that he wants to form an alliance with the most dangerous Aethrian alive in order to seize control of Orinthia. And he’s not afraid to blackmail Lina to get what he wants. With the lives of her new friends - and her people - hanging in the balance, Lina must betray her own kind in order to free a criminal from an otherworldly prison. Lina won’t lose the only friends she’s ever had, even if it means she risks bringing the whole world to ruin.

I recently completed a BA in English and Creative Writing. I’ve also written articles for [book festival name]. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

With my notes added:

Dear [agent], (Works for me, though I always nit-pick that it really should be a colon for a business letter.)

[Insert personalisation] REALM OF RUIN is a YA fantasy complete at [word count]. (The author doesn't have a final word count yet as this is still in revision. But notice there is a place for the word count to go. Thumbs up! Of course, this paragraph won't be needed for Query Kombat. And remember if you have to really dig for a way to personalize, it's best just to leave it off.)

17-year-old (Subjective preference, but it's best to spell out numbers under 100. Digits are fine for pitching on twitter, but I'd go with Seventeen-year-old.)  Lina is an Aethrian;(I think it's trendy to use a dash now instead of a semi-colon. That's the way I go, anyway.) she can step into the spirit realm. Her bloodline makes her an outcast(Why? Her mixed-race bloodline, maybe? Her bastard bloodline?), and she’s tired of living a sheltered, friendless life(Outcast doesn't exactly match with the word sheltered. Which is she? I'd cut "sheltered."). When her adoptive father dies, Lina is devastated - this isn’t the kind of change she had in mind. Rather than taking her chances on the streets, Lina crosses the city to live with the wealthy Vaughn Casimir. (Why would he take her if she's an outcast? I'm guessing he is her original kin, perhaps. But I shouldn't have to guess. This is the place where a third story paragraph can help you out. What motivates her to go there? What motivates him to take her? Is he her age or older? How does it get worse?

You mention new friends later on and a paragraph in the middle would be the place to set them up. Here is a fake example:

Her adopted father always warned her about Vaughn, but if it's a choice between starving and his basement, she'll take the cellar. He can't turn the daughter of his former priest away--not if he wants to keep his place in society--and among the servants of his house she makes her first real friends.)

But Lina soon discovers that Vaughn’s riches stem from a sinister line of work (Be specific!! Vaughn's riches stem from blackmail, gambling, and murder. See how that is more interesting--even if it's made up by me.), and that he wants to form an alliance with the most dangerous Aethrian alive in order to seize control of Orinthia.(This means little to the reader. We don't know what Orinthia is. Maybe just say the city. And is this the criminal you bring up below? He needs the help of a most dangerous criminal to seize control of the city. And that's where Lina comes in. Her ability to enter the spirit realm and bring out the criminal from captivity is the answer to his prayer.)  And he’s not afraid to blackmail Lina to get what he wants.(Be clear. How can she give it to him? She's an outcast. Unless you mean she can use her power to step into the spirit realm.) With the lives of her new friends(You don't mention any friends, so maybe cut?) - and her people - hanging in the balance, Lina must decide whether to betray her own kind in order to free a criminal from an otherworldly prison (For Vaughn? Why?). Lina won’t lose the only friends she’s ever had, even if it means she risks bringing the whole world to ruin. (Watch taking away her choice. This sentence makes it sound like her decision is made. The decision of the mc should be uncertain.)

I recently completed a BA in English and Creative Writing. I’ve also written articles for [book festival name]. (My personal preference, but I like this bio information in the same paragraph as the genre/word count sentence so the query letter isn't so broken up into small paragraphs.) 

Thank you for your time and consideration. (My favorite closing!)

I'm not getting a good sense of Lina from this query yet and the stakes are rather vague. I'm not seeing the connections between them clearly enough. Each sentence of the last paragraph should flow to the next. I would suggest a first pass to organize the connections and get the story told in its basic form (after the first paragraph). 

Vaughn takes Lina in. She makes friends there. He's bad in many ways. He needs a criminal from the spirit realm and that's where Lina comes in with her abilities. It's help Vaughn or her friends die.

Then do another pass to add Lina's voice to the wording. Use the slang and curse words you employ in the story to give it voice.  For exampe: By the seven circles of Hell, Vaughn isn't afraid to blackmail Lina with her friend's lives as his playing hand. 

A little bit of structural work to clear up some confusion and some more voice and you'll have a much stronger query. I hope this helps!