Showing posts with label Query Advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Query Advice. Show all posts

Monday, October 19, 2020

Query Questions Interview with Megan Barnard

Writers have copious amounts of imagination. It's what makes their stories so fantastic. But there's a darker side to so much out-of-the-box thinking. When a writer is in the query trenches, their worries go into overdrive. They imagine every possible disaster.

Here to relieve some of that endless worrying is a series called Query Questions. I'll ask the questions which prey on every writer's mind, and hopefully take some of the pain out of querying. These are questions that I've seen tossed around on twitter and writing sites. They are the type of questions that you need answers from the real expert--agents!

I'm so happy to bring Query Questions back from the dead with new interviews. Since I stopped doing interviews, a whole new crop of agents have settled into the business, and I'm sure people would like to know more about them.

Thanks to Megan Barnard with The Jennifer De Chiara Literary Agency for starting us off!



Is there a better or worse time of year to query?

Not for me! I tend to look at queries in batches--and that’s usually just when I have time. I might be slower to respond during the holidays, but I always respond to every query and submission I receive.

 

Do you look at sample pages without fail or only if the query is strong?

I would say 80% of the time I look at sample pages--I know how hard it is to write a query! The only time I wouldn’t look at the pages is if the book is in a genre I don’t represent, or it totally disregards my guidelines.

 

How open are you to writers who have never been published?

I’m totally open to unpublished writers! I love working on debut novels and helping guide new writers’ careers, so send your debuts my way!


The dreaded rhetorical question in a query. Are they as taboo as the rumors say?

I don’t reject queries because there’s a rhetorical question in the query. A lot of agents don’t like rhetorical questions because we get them so often, and I think there’s usually a more interesting way to put the question, so I would just really think about whether you need that rhetorical question before you send your query.


How important are comp titles? Is it something you want to see in a query? Are movie/tv reference okay as comp titles?

Comp titles are really helpful for me because it helps me picture where your book would sit on a bookshelf. Movie/TV references are fine as comp titles, though you do generally want at least one book (published within the last 3-5 years) as one of your comps. 


Do you prefer a little personalized chit-chat in a query letter or would you rather hear about the manuscript?

I don’t really care either way! If you comp to a book I recently tweeted about that can be nice especially since I usually say if I’m looking for something similar, but I don’t reject queries if they’re not personalized.

 

How do you feel about writers nudging on full/partial requests? At what point is it appropriate? 

I answer all queries and submissions. I try to respond to all queries within 6 weeks, and full/partials within three months. After that, it’s totally fine to nudge and never bothers me. I’d say give most agents at least three months with requested submissions (but check their guidelines first!) but tell all queried agents about offers of representation as soon as you get one.


When a writer nudges with an offer, what length of time is helpful to give you enough time to consider? A week? Two weeks?

I’d say at least 10 days, but two weeks is great as it gives agents a bit more time to read.


Many agents say they don't care if writers are active online. Could a twitter account or blog presence by a writer tip the scales in getting a request or offer? And do you require writers you sign to start one?

I don’t care about social media for fiction writers. Platform is really important for nonfiction, so you do want to be active on social media if you’re writing nonfiction. I think it’s important for fiction writers to have some kind of social media as it can help them connect with readers, but it’s something we can work on and build slowly. 

 

If a writer makes changes to their manuscript due to feedback should they resend the query or only if material was requested?

I’m always happy to get read a new query if the manuscript has been significantly revised. 


Do you look at trends or editor wishlists when deciding to sign a manuscript?

If I love something, I’ll sign it. Trends and wishlists change so quickly in publishing that only trying to rep books that fit certain molds would be a nightmare! I do look at wishlists when thinking about what editors to submit to, but that’s after I’ve offered representation.


Do you consider yourself a hands-on, editorial type of agent? Does a manuscript have to be sub-ready or will you sign stories that need work?

I’m an editorial agent. I have a background in editing, so if I love something but think it needs work, that wouldn’t necessarily turn me off. It just depends whether I have a specific vision for what a revision would look like.  

 

What is your biggest query pet peeve? Is there anything that automatically sinks a query for you?

I automatically reject queries for books in genres and categories I don’t represent. I’ll also reject them if I don’t get an actual query, like just a synopsis or pages where the query should be. Otherwise, I don’t reject things for minor typos or small things like that.

 

What three things are at the top of your submission wish list?

·         Historical fantasy like Circe or The Snow Child.

·         Nonfiction that combines memoir and nature writing like The Outrun or The Salt Path.

·         Lyrical literary fiction like The Island Child or The Good People.

 

What are some of your favorite movies or books to give us an idea of your tastes?

Books: The Lake House by Kate Morton, Circe by Madeline Miller, The Island Child by Molly Aitken, Inferno by Catherine Cho, I’m Telling the Truth But I’m Lying by Bassey Ikpi, A God in Ruins by Kate Atkinson.

Movies/TV: The Office, Schitt’s Creek, The Crown, New Girl, Downton Abbey, Top Chef, La La Land, The King’s Speech, Pride and Prejudice, Anne of Green Gables, About Time.


Megan joined The Jennifer De Chiara Literary Agency as an Associate Literary Agent in 2020, after interning for nearly three years at several top literary agencies, including P.S. Literary Agency and Folio Literary Management. She has worked as an editor and copywriter and has a BA in English (with a concentration in Creative Writing) from Hollins University. When not working, she runs, drinks coffee, and travels widely. Her favorite places to read across the globe are Île Saint-Louis in Paris, Pacific Grove, CA, and Portmagee, Ireland. In reality, though, she spends most of her free time shuffling her towering stacks of books around so they don’t kill her or her husband.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Roundup of Posts with Writing/Editing/Querying Advice

I've done a lot of posts filled with advice. Some of them are rather old. Most were written after I noticed trends from a contest. All are completely buried and hard to find unless you use the editing label. But all are still relevant. 

So I thought I'd make a general list of the different blurbs on writing and querying advice. 

I highly recommend the posts on filtering and hyphens. Also the post on punctuation for a tag or beat. Those are problems I see on entries every year. 

I hope these are helpful! 

General Advice:
Quick twitter advice
Reading in your Genre
List of SFF subgenres
Subjectivity of the First 250 Words

Editing/Writing Advice:
Writing in Layers
Be Aware of Creating Reader Expectations
Comma Mistakes
Making Characters Likable
Character Motivation
Tips for Writing a Strong Fantasy
Ellipses and Em Dashes
Compound Adjectives- hyphens
Types of Conflict
Avoid Filtering
Throwing Crutch Words in the Trash
The Difference Between a Tag and a Beat
Qualifiers Weaken Your Sentences
Plugging Plot Holes
Editing Tips for the Big Picture
Weak Writing-Gerunds


Query Advice:
Nix the Rhetorical Questions
Frequent Query Mistakes
Creating a Super Query
Vague Plot in a Query



My blog also has close to 80 interviews with literary agents (you can also find them in the blog sidebar.) old and new and a host of Getting the Call stories meant to inspire and inform about querying. 

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 8

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

I'm finishing up the critique marathon with two more as the mentor blog hop starts on Wednesday!  

The query without my notes:


Dear [Agent]:

Seventeen-year-old Ilycia Robert is no stranger to losses from the centuries-old curse which put the Princess Rose to sleep, crippled her village by drought, and imprisoned the kingdom within a wall of thorns. Her brother led the excursion to break the curse four years earlier and never returned. Ilycia has a family to feed and can't be bothered to wait for a suitor to save her.

With help from her best friend Val, she earns money by masquerading around the kingdom as the knife-throwing La Marque. But after her win at an illicit tournament goes awry and Ilycia and Val are caught by armed forces, Val is forced to lead the next excursion.

Now Val's on his way to certain death. Ilycia falls apart until Val's brother Emeric devises a plan to help Val through the magic-ravaged kingdom. Too bad Emeric is the boy who once charmed his way under Ilycia's skirts and dumped her shortly thereafter. What's worse, Emeric's plan requires both Ilycia and his new fiancée.

Vowing to save Val no matter her personal cost, Ilycia joins the excursion. All they have to do is survive through the magic lands until they reach the castle so Val can bestow a kiss on the princess. But in waking her, the friends find what they think they know about the curse may not be the truth.

REIGN OF THORNS is an 89,000-word young adult fantasy with series potential. A retelling of Sleeping Beauty, it will appeal to fans of Sarah J. Maas.  

Thank you for your consideration.


Sincerely,


And with my crazy notes:

Dear [Agent]:

Seventeen-year-old Ilycia Robert is no stranger to losses (I was going to say what losses, but you follow up with them. Good.) from the centuries-old curse which put the Princess Rose to sleep, (You might end the sentence here just because it's getting long.) crippled her village by(with?) drought, and imprisoned the kingdom within a wall of thorns. Her (A little unclear whose brother this is. It could be Princess Rose's.) brother led the excursion to break the curse four years earlier and never returned. Ilycia has a family to feed and can't be bothered to wait for a suitor to save her. (I like the personality at the end of this.)

With help from her best friend Val, she earns money by masquerading around the kingdom as the knife-throwing La Marque. (I'm unsure doing what. How does this earn money? Explaining will go a long way to taking away my confusion with the rest of this paragraph.) But after her win at an illicit tournament goes awry and Ilycia and Val are caught by armed forces (So? Is it illegal for women to enter?), Val is forced to lead the next excursion. (But Val was caught too. I assume Val is a woman, short for Valerie. What sort of excursion? I thought they were at a tournament. Those aren't the same? All sorts of confusion here.)

Now Val's on his (Oh, Val is a man.) way to certain death. Ilycia falls apart until Val's brother Emeric devises a plan to help Val through the magic-ravaged kingdom (Oh, you mean an excursion to break the curse. That's the punishment?). Too bad Emeric is the boy who once charmed his way under Ilycia's skirts and dumped her shortly thereafter (I think maybe you should put this part about being dumped into the first paragraph. That way Emeric doesn't appear to come out of nowhere near the end of the query.) What's worse, Emeric's plan requires both Ilycia and his new fiancée. (I'm not sure we need to know this last part. There are plenty of characters already. You don't want character soup. Limit the number to three or four in a query.)

Vowing to save Val no matter her personal cost, Ilycia joins the excursion. All they have to do is survive through the magic lands until they reach the castle so Val can bestow a kiss on the princess. But in waking her, the friends find what they think they know about the curse may not be the truth. (Clunky wording. I'm not sure I can do better. the friends find the curse may not be what everyone expects. Or the curse is more complicated than everyone thought. Or the friends find the curse has an unexpected twist.

 Again you end the query without a choice the mc must face or without what bad thing will happen if she fails. I think you need some sort of choice and stakes here.

I suggest two avenues. You can scale back on outlining the story and make the choice be about whether Ilycia will go on the excursion. Or you can shorten other parts in the query a little and put in the choice Ilycia must make here when the curse is discovered.

I'm torn on which would be better. Maybe try both. On one hand the twist in the curse is your escalation of the plot and the unique part about the story. A very good thing to have. On the other hand, revealing they make it to the princess is somewhat of a let down. You'd have to get to that information sooner(middle paragraph). Maybe take out the whole subplot about knife throwing and just say her best friend Val is forced on the next excursion. No need to explain why. That would save a lot of confusion about that part of the query and get you to the twist in the curse sooner.)

REIGN OF THORNS is an 89,000-word (solid word count number) young adult fantasy with series potential. A retelling of Sleeping Beauty, it will appeal to fans of Sarah J. Maas.  

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Lots of notes here because there is much to discuss.

I think you have a section to this query that just causes a lot of confusion (2nd paragraph and parts of the 3rd). Easier to cut it out and skip over it. A query doesn't have to tell the whole plot. Only the important parts. The important part is her best friend has to go on the next excursion after she lost her brother that way. Of course she'll want to save him. You don't have to detail why.

Then the escalation of your obstacle is almost buried at the end (the curse). And it's also the unique part of your plot. Cutting the second paragraph will give you more room to talk about the twists of the story and let you add some stakes and choices the mc must make.

Don't be afraid to try out a query where you reveal the twist to the curse. It's not that part you want to hide from an agent. It's THE CHOICE the mc makes about solving that obstacle that you want to keep secret. Does she go one way or another at the end. That's the outcome you hide or don't include in the query, along with how it all turns out. 

The real curse is the juicy bit that could make an agent sit up and take notice.

Good luck!     

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 7

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

I'm finishing up the critique marathon with two more as the mentor blog hop starts on Wednesday!  

The query without my notes:

SKALDSDOTTIR'S SAGA follows the story of two exiled viking lovers, Wytha and Lae, as they traverse a haunted forest searching for a bounty that will convince their leader to pardon them. The novel combines the fast pace of Bernard Cornwell's The Last Kingdom series with the dark, quirky humour, and uncanny mystery of Twin Peaks. Complete at 123 000 words, Skaldsdottir's Saga is set in a world based on pre-Christian Scandinavia, and is told from three perspectives. [INSERT PERSONALIZATION]

The road home is paved with poor decisions.

Wytha Childkiller's first was committing the crime that got her exiled, but she'll be damned if she'll share the details of what she did with anyone, even her lover, Laeaflaetha. Now stripped of ship, titles, wealth, and homeland, Wytha, Lae, and the motley band of misfits who follow them, must find a gift worthy of their chieftan's forgiveness, or be landlocked forever.

The search for a gift leads Wytha and Lae into the heart of a dense wood, where the stories Wytha learned at her uncle's knee are no mere legends. After capturing a princely hostage the group travels homeward, but along the way Wytha's band is attacked by spectral barrow-wights called draugr. Black as night's own shadow, long-limbed and faceless, the draugr can separate skin from bone with a touch, and send one of Wytha's men into a slumber from which he cannot wake.

Seeking someone with the knowledge to cure their friend, Wytha and the others enlist the help of a mad widow who claims to know a path through the woods, but as danger continues to dog them in the form of the draugr, Wytha questions whether one of her own people may be summoning the spirits.

I wrote this novel after my research into the Viking world showed evidence of diverse populations nowhere near as homogeneous as may be expected. As a trans author, I am always in search of stories that feature incidental rather than forced diversity, and SKALDSDOTTIR’S SAGA was written in the spirit of illuminating and reclaiming queer history.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

And with my crazy notes:

SKALDSDOTTIR'S SAGA follows the story of two exiled viking lovers, Wytha and Lae, as they traverse a haunted forest searching for a bounty that will convince their leader to pardon them. (Again totally subjective, but I'm not a fan of telling about the story in the genre/word count paragraph. It just doesn't feel like the place for it. I would certainly skim it in a contest. You can get in that this is a Viking story in one of the sentences below. Everything else is covered in your other paragraphs.)The novel combines the fast pace of Bernard Cornwell's The Last Kingdom series with the dark, quirky humour, and uncanny mystery of Twin Peaks. Complete at 123,000 (Right at the top of the word count for adult fantasy. Which brings me to another problem: where's the genre?) words, Skaldsdottir's Saga(Capitalize and italic every time you use your title.) is set in a world based on pre-Christian Scandinavia, and is told from three perspectives(Good to know.) . [INSERT PERSONALIZATION]

The road home is paved with poor decisions. (Interesting.)

Wytha Childkiller's first was committing the crime that got her exiled, but she'll be damned (good character personality) if she'll share the details of what she did with anyone, even her lover, Laeaflaetha. Now stripped of ship, titles, wealth, and homeland, Wytha, Lae, and the motley band of misfits who follow them, must find a gift worthy of their chieftan's forgiveness, or be landlocked forever. (I'm intrigued. We've got a unique obstacle and motivation. The setting is different than the usual story.)

The search for a gift leads Wytha and Lae into the heart of a dense wood, where the stories (I would give a taste of what kind of stories. Horror stories? For me, this falls a little flat. It's missing a sense of danger.) Wytha learned at her uncle's knee are no mere legends. After capturing a princely hostage (from another tribe? what sort of hostage?) the group travels homeward, but along the way Wytha's band is attacked by spectral barrow-wights called draugr. Black as night's own shadow, long-limbed and faceless, the draugr can separate skin from bone with a touch, and sendsends one of Wytha's men into a slumber from which he cannot wake. (Good stuff. But I'm wondering about danger to their hostage. Maybe work in that Wytha fears losing the gift she went to so much trouble to procure. That would take this back around to the wider story.)

Seeking someone with the knowledge to cure their friend, Wytha and the others enlist the help of a mad widow who claims to know a path through the woods, but as danger continues to dog them in the form of the draugr, Wytha questions whether one of her own people may be summoning the spirits. (Good, you have escalation. But you are missing the choice Wytha must make and what happens if she fails here at the end. And that's one long-ass sentence. You might break it up because when someone's been reading a lot of queries long sentences can get fuzzy.)

I wrote this novel after my research into the Viking world showed evidence of diverse populations diversity, the population nowhere near as homogeneous as may be expected. (Something off about this sentence. I think you need to rephrase.)   As a trans author, I am always in search of stories that feature incidental rather than forced diversity., and SKALDSDOTTIR’S SAGA was written in the spirit of illuminating and reclaiming queer history. (So is this ownvoices? You are hurting your cause if it is and you don't claim it. And still no genre? That's a problem.)

Thank you for your time and consideration, (My idea of the perfect closing.)

There's a lot to like in this query for me. It's got the lots of unique touches and world building. There's a sense of character personality, including stubbornness. The motivation is clear.

Make sure you connect how being attacked in the forest comes back to their larger quest. Perhaps by using the threat to their hostage. And clear up the character choice and what will happen if she fails. Also don't forget to list the genre somewhere. 


Good luck! 

Friday, July 14, 2017

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 6

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.   

The query without my notes:

Dear (Agent),

I hope to interest you in A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAITa YA alternate world fantasy featuring a mystery of otherworldly proportions and a headstrong female protagonist with the power to solve it.

At 18, Moreina di Bianco is a young healer who believes in medicine, not magic, even while possessing a second sight she can't fully explain. So when a talisman and a thousand-year-old prophecy choose Reina to reawaken an ancient magic and find a way to end a war, she must reconcile her beliefs and learn to master the magic. Reluctant to accept help, Reina’s only company on her journey is her estranged and mysterious childhood friend, Quinn D’Arturio, and a dashing captain who claims to be her protector. There’s just one problem with her new companions. They, too, are featured in the prophecy. But what woman wants a suitor, let alone two, when she’s busy defeating an evil general, ending a war, finding the true king, and rightfully seating him on the throne?

A Thousand Years to Wait, a 99,000 word fantasy, is the second novel I’ve completed, but the first I’ve written with the intention of doing something other than stashing in a desk drawer. While I have degrees in subjects completely unrelated to creative writing, writing has long been my true passion. Growing up, I was strongly influenced by the world-building talents of Anne McCaffrey and C.S. Friedman and quickly fell in love with both dragons and magic. Comparable titles might include Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass or White Hart by Sarah Dalton. As requested, I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript and a synopsis below. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or full manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.


Best Regards,

And with my crazy notes:

Dear (Agent),

I hope to interest you (Totally subjective but I feel like saying "I hope" lacks confidence. It does suggest humbleness, but I'm not sure that outweighs the other. I'd be more direct. TITLE is a YA alternative...)  in A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAIT,(italics) a YA alternate-world (I don't think this is a true subgenre. Sound more like epic fantasy) fantasy featuring a mystery of otherworldly proportions and a headstrong female protagonist with the power to solve it.

At 18(Spell it out. Eighteen-year-old), Moreina di Bianco is a young healer who believes in medicine, not magic, even while possessing a second sight she can't fully explain. So when a talisman (what sort?) and a thousand-year-old prophecy (Agents and editors can be wary of another prophecy story. You might want to minimize that.)  choose Reina to reawaken an ancient magic (what kind?) and find a way to end a war, she must reconcile her beliefs and learn to master the magic. Reluctant to accept help, Reina’s only company on her journey is her estranged and mysterious (Why is she mysterious?) childhood friend, Quinn D’Arturio, and a dashing (Dashing is always good. :-)  captain who claims to be her protector. There’s just one problem with her new companions.: They, too, are featured in the prophecy. (But what/who is trying to stop Reina? What is the obstacle she must face? How does the situation get worse?) But what woman wants a suitor, let alone two, when she’s busy defeating an evil general, ending a war, finding the true king, and rightfully seating him on the throne? (Why does she need a true king? How is the war specifically bad? Why does she have to do any of this? What happens if she fails?)

A Thousand Years to Wait,(capitalize) a 99,000 word fantasy (Keep the genre the same. I'd just go with epic fantasy.), is the second novel I’ve completed, but the first I’ve written with the intention of doing something other than stashing in a desk drawer. While I have degrees in subjects completely unrelated to creative writing, writing has long been my true passion. (I think this is okay for Pitchwars, but I wouldn't send it to agents.) Growing up, I was strongly influenced by the world-building talents of Anne McCaffrey and C.S. Friedman and quickly fell in love with both dragons and magic. Comparable titles might include Fans of Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass or White Hart by Sarah Dalton might enjoy this story. As requested, I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript and a synopsis below. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or full manuscript upon request. (Understood. It just takes up room.) 

Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon consideration.


Best Regards,

It's never a good thing when the story part of the query is smaller than the bio and genre information paragraphs. Agents and Pitchwars mentors want to know about the story. The rest is icing on the cake. But we need to know the details of the cake first. You want to get the unique ingredients of the plot in front of the reader.

1st paragraph should set up the characters and the obstacle they face. 2nd paragraph details the obstacle and expands on it. Goes into how the situation gets worse. The 3rd paragraph gives the stakes and what bad thing that will happen if the MC fails. The third paragraph also details the choice the MC faces. She can save the world but she might lose her friends sort of thing. 

There's just not enough about the plot or characters here yet. Expand and give details and the choice and this will be more compelling. 

Good luck and I hope this helps.  

 

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 5

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.   

The query without my notes:

Dear [Agent],

When seventeen-year-old Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce. But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital, he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.

Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black market currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20 days without magic, and Nick only has 15 left. He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid of his uncontrollable magic.

With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned and in danger of being killed for the power she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to question if he wants to give it up to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving.

THE LIGHT WITCH is a 100,000-word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential.

I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.

I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

And with my crazy notes:

Dear [Agent],:

When seventeen-year-old (Good hyphens done right. Of all the grammar problems, it's most often hyphens that are wrong or missing.) Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. (I would expand on this and detail what type of magic instead of just using that word. What he can do will be more enticing than the word magic.) He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce (Interesting complications for a plot! Not to be cold but this is your unique aspect. Play it to the full.). But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital (That's the problem with just saying magic. We have no idea what he did here. Add the details above so you don't have to here.) , he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.

Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed (Don't need to know) into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black-market (Hyphens again. Black describes the market and not the currency.) currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20(spell out numbers under 100. so twenty.) days without magic, and Nick only has 15 fifteen left. (Now I'm really interested. Another unique aspect.) He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid (juicier word? dump?)  of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid(So don't repeat words. Change one of the 'get rid' phrases to something else.)  of his uncontrollable magic (A different, fresher word than 'magic' here. It's been said too often. You really have to watch repeating key words in a query.).

With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned(I don't get abandoned. They didn't have have much of a relationship to start with. Maybe 'alone in a freaky world.' Something with his voice.) and in danger of being killed for these unwanted powers she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to questions if he wants to give it up surrender it (Stronger verbs.) to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving. (Interesting stakes. Watch the over-wordage. My problem is that the disease doesn't get mentioned in the last paragraph. It's one of your unique hooks. Come back to it. Also unclear whether he will die when Simran does.) 

THE LIGHT WITCH (I forgot to say this on other entries but all caps on your title and italics) is a 100,000 word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential. (Join those paragraphs together like this:) I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.

I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit. (This should probably go at the front of the query.) 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, (Everyone really loves their sincerelys. It's not necessary but okay.)

This is a good example of a query with unique concepts and traits that I would be looking to mentor. (I don't take YA so no conflict of interests, but see me for Nightmare on Query Street if you're still on the market.) I'd say this query just needs some tweaking to strengthen some word choices and bring back in how his disease affects his choice at the end.

Good luck!  

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 4

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.

The query without my notes:

Dear __________

Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak. She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide.

Just when she’s about to break down completely, Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.

Lucy is scared and sad, but also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her. Lucy has to get out of there asap.

Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability.

Lucy plans to escape and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.

LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words.

I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore 
LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.

Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

And with my crazy comments:

Dear __________:

Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak (Maybe qualify this by saying who finds her a freak. Some might be offended by the word and it being applied to mental health. It helps that this is own voices, but maybe soften it somewhat. ...Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews hates? that she's considered a freak by those who don't know her.) She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. (I like how you give specific details here. I'm interested.) Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide over a year in unrelated incidents. (A little confused because I thought this horrible tragedy would be the focus of the story. Maybe include a time period and say that the incidents are unrelated to play this aspect of the story down and make it mean a little less. If this happened all at once, I'm sure she'd be really crushed and completely fall apart. Does this happen all at once, within a year?)

Just when she’s about to break down completely(Maybe something about "the last straw" instead), Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.

Lucy is scared and sad, but (Something feels off here. Is she accepting of this as being a benefit? Because that's how it sounds. Maybe go with that and then have her suspicions rise. ...scared and sad, but accepting it's her best chance for healing until she realizes something...) also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her(maybe a bit more detail (few words) on how). Lucy(Feels off to repeat her name. Like it's adding distance from the character. Maybe: It's time to get out of there asap.) has to get out of there asap.

Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability. (I like how you show how the story escalates. It's not often I say this but I feel like there are too many details here. Or maybe it seems like it could be shortened and said quicker with more punch. She's offered an experimental drug with the promise of seeing her father and possibly being discharged early. Though the drug helps her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it takes away everything that makes her Lucy. As she fights back, refusing the drug and threatening to expose the hospital, a doctor threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. Then go into your stakes. Either she does as she's told and hopes for the best, or she can prove something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before they unmake everything she is.)

Lucy plans to escape(already said) and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.

LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words. (I would combine this with the bio paragraph below. Like so) I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.

Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely, (As I said before this isn't needed, but it's up to you.)


I think this query has a real handle on the story line and you make Lucy sound interesting. I would concentrate on removing extra wordage and punching up the prose for more intensity. It sounds very intriguing! 

Good luck!