Spring Query Extravaganza -- 6

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My next victim willing participant:

Sherlock Holmes meets Fullmetal Alchemist when an ex-army doctor teams up with a fey magician to solve his patient's murder. WITCHMARK is a 76,000-word adult fantasy novel with romantic elements set in a world with magic and early 20th-century technology.

Dr. Miles Singer, a veteran returned from a recent war, has faked his death to work at a cash-strapped veteran's hospital. His quiet life hangs in jeopardy when a fatally poisoned patient begs him to find his murderer. Miles promises and the patient dies, but not before he exposes Miles's secret healing powers to a witness. Instead of reporting him as a witch, the witness wants to help Miles investigate.

Miles retraces the victim's last days in the company of Tristan Hunter, a fellow-magician he shouldn't be falling for. They pursue a murderer who steals or destroys evidence faster than they can find leads. When Miles and Tristan discover the secret Miles's patient was murdered to keep, they must choose between ignoring the suffering of the unseen few to live in comfort, or bringing down the technological advancements that millions depend on.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

With my crazy comments:

Dear : (I'm sure the writer just left this off when sending to me.)

Sherlock Holmes meets Fullmetal Alchemist when an ex-army doctor teams up with a fey magician to solve his patient's murder. WITCHMARK is a 76,000-word adult LGBT fantasy novel with romantic elements set in a world with magic and early 20th-century technology. (Intriguing. The word count might be a little low for adult. But I would spell out the type of technology by using examples, such as: airships and steam engines.)

Dr. Miles Singer, a veteran returned from a recent war, has faked his death to work at a cash-strapped veteran's hospital. (Why fake his death? Is there a reason he can't work where he wants? I think explaining this would clear up some questions and provide his motivation.) His quiet life hangs in jeopardy when a fatally poisoned patient begs him to find his murderer. Miles promises and the patient dies, but not before he exposes Miles's secret healing powers to a witness.(I hope the patient revealed him accidentally. But I'm confused. Is Miles the ex-army doctor? Is the witness the magician? That's why maybe it's better to put your genre/word count paragraph last so the reader doesn't form expectations of people they expect to see in the query.) Instead of reporting him as a witch, the witness wants to help Miles investigate.

Miles retraces the victim's last days in the company of Tristan Hunter, a fellow-magician he shouldn't be falling for. (So Tristan is the witness and the fey sorcerer? I would just use his name above and save some confusion. But this makes it sound like they both have magic. The opening paragraph implied only one did. Tristan and Miles. So would this be a LGBT story? That should for sure be in the genre paragraph.) They pursue a murderer who steals or destroys evidence faster than they can find leads. (This doesn't tell us much. I still feel in the dark about the main plot.) When Miles and Tristan discover the secret Miles's patient was murdered to keep (Too vague. You won't entice the reader by keeping them in the dark. What secret?) , they must choose between ignoring the suffering of the unseen few(What suffering?) to live in comfort, or bringing down the technological advancements (What sort of advancements?) that millions depend on.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think this query is suffering from vagueness and too few details. It could be that the author is trying so hard to leave something surprising in the manuscript that they are unintentionally hurting their chances. I am unsure of the larger plot beyond a patient being poisoned. I don't know what the antagonist is trying to accomplish or what Miles has to save the world from. There are mentions of technology in the query but not enough world building to show us what sort of technology.

The meat of the query is only two paragraphs. There is plenty of space to expand and gives us the heart of the story by rewriting the vague parts, providing the MC motivation and showing how the problem escalates. It sounds like a fantastic story if we had more details. I hope this helps.