Spring Query Extravaganza 2016 -- 2

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My next victim willing participant:

Dear Ms. Hauck:

Revin always imagined she would raise her son in the only home she’d ever known; she’d watch her younger sisters graduate and get married; and she’d be there for her aging parents.  So when her husband urges her to take their son and flee the besieged city of Kobani, Revin resists as long as possible. When watching her husband and entire family get shot down in front of her finally pushes Revin to escape into neighboring Turkey, she finds herself confronting not only the devastating consequences of the Turks’ prejudices towards Syrian Kurds, but she is also forced to face her own prejudices towards Turks and Armenians.  More urgent is the danger that comes with being a lone woman on the road in a strange country.

Once she believed that fleeing into Turkey would solve her troubles, but here Revin watches her son die as they attempt to make their way to Greece. Drowning in despair, and on the edge of starvation, she gets sucked into prostitution as the only way she can see to survive. When an Armenian man risks everything to save her from being sent back to war-torn Syria, Revin finds a second chance at love, but she must decide which pull is stronger: the desire for safety, or her desire to return to Syria to fight for her home and the autonomy of her people, threatened by genocide and tyranny.

 The horror of her journey is tempered by the surprising discovery of the love of an honorable man, and exacerbated by the rage of her controlling and abusive husband, still very much alive. Now it’s not just the freedom of her homeland that is on the line, but her freedom as a woman as well. When the lives of her lover and her husband are threatened by a jihadist with a grenade, she must decide which life she will save, and her decision will shatter all of their lives. Prejudice can have terrible, far-reaching consequences, but women everywhere want the same things, and Revin draws on her inner strength to find peace and meaning in a war-torn world.

Here is a novel built around a contemporary issue that features a strong woman who must rise to the challenges she faces, a heroine who has universal dreams and can be understood and admired by women everywhere. I hope that this novel fits in with your other women’s fiction. As requested, there follows the first five pages of my novel.

I am a high school English teacher.  Being a mother and a widow, with family living in the Middle East, gives me the confidence to tell Revin’s tale.  Thank you very much for your consideration of Where You Go, a novel complete at 119,000 words.

Sincerely,

With my comments added:

Dear Ms. Hauck: (So far so good.) 

Revin always imagined she would raise her son in the only home she’d ever known,; she’d watch her younger sisters graduate, and get married,; and she’d be there for her aging parents.  So when her husband urges her to take their son and flee the besieged city of Kobani in Syria, Revin resists as long as possible. When watching her husband and entire family get shot down in front of her, it finally pushes Revin to escape into neighboring Turkey, . She finds herself confronting must confront not only the devastating consequences of the Turks’ prejudices towards Syrian Kurds, but she is also forced to face her own prejudices towards Turks and Armenians.  More urgent is the danger that comes with being a lone (You might change "lone" to unprotected or unescorted as she isn't exactly alone. Apparently, her son is with her.) woman on the road in a strange country.

Once she believed that fleeing into Turkey would solve her troubles, but here Revin watches her son dies as they attempt to make their way to Greece. Drowning in despair, and on the edge of starvation, she gets sucked into prostitution as the only way she can see to survive. When an Armenian man risks everything to save her from being sent back to war-torn Syria, Revin finds a second chance at love, but she must decide which pull is stronger: the desire for safety, or her desire to return to Syria to fight for her home and the autonomy of her people, threatened by genocide and tyranny.

 The horror of her journey is tempered by the surprising discovery of the love of an honorable man, and exacerbated by the rage of her controlling and abusive husband,--(I'd use a dash here.) still very much alive. (And here's how it gets worse/escalates! Nice! You always want some kind of escalation in the second or third story paragraph.)  Now it’s not just the freedom of her homeland that is on the line, but her freedom as a woman as well. When the lives of her lover and her husband are threatened by a jihadist with a grenade, she must decide which life she will   to save, and her decision will shatter all of their lives. Prejudice can have terrible, far-reaching consequences, but women everywhere want the same things, and Revin draws on her inner strength to find peace and meaning in a war-torn world. (This isn't the typical sum-up stakes. Instead it is more telling than anything else, but I think it fits with the rest of the query. Normally, I'd say to change it--not this time. It has a real honesty.) 

Here is a novel built around a contemporary issue that features a strong woman who must rise to the challenges she faces, a heroine who has universal dreams and can be understood and admired by women everywhere. I hope that this novel fits in with your other women’s fiction.(I'd do a little rearranging here. Most of this paragraph is telling about themes and such--agents REALLY don't like this in a query--besides, your query has already shown the themes beautifully.) 

Thank you very much for your consideration of Where You Go (WHERE YOU GO I mostly see titles in all caps nowadays. Note: Don't cap your comp titles if you use any-- Only your own title.) , a novel Women's Fiction (Whoops. You need some kind of genre here. I brought it down from the above paragraph.) complete at 119,000 words. As requested, there follows the first five pages of my novel. (I would move this sentence to the start of the paragraph and not the end and throw in the sentence about the pasted pages.) I am a high school English teacher.  Being a mother and a widow, with family living in the Middle East, gives me the confidence to tell Revin’s tale.

  

Sincerely,

With so many agents looking for stories with diversity (an excellent change), this query is sure to get some interest. Throw in the fact that you know the audience --having family in the Middle East--and I can see this getting many requests. What it really needed was some gentle pruning to improve the writing style by cutting excess words.

I urge you to take the same red pen through your manuscript and also prune unneeded words and especially filtering (she heard, she saw, she understood, she watch, etc). Even better find a good critique partner to help you look for things to cut. I'm guessing if there was extra words in the query, the same will be in the manuscript. This subject has a great chance of getting picked up if the writing is clean. 

Good luck and I hope this helped!