Saturday, February 22, 2014

Critique Workshop #21: LOVE TO THE 25th POWER

Title: LOVE TO THE 25th POWER
Genre: ?
Word Count: 65,000

Query:

Sixteen-year-old Junie J. Wilshire’s got advice for witches everywhere--when casting love spells on hot, powerful guys, it’s best to make sure they actually fall in love with you.

Junie thinks she’s the second-coming of Miley Cyrus: gangsta-wannabe, non-conforming, finger-to-the-air-girl. What she doesn't know is she’s actually Earth’s reincarnation of a great witch from another realm. A thousand years ago, the witch poisoned 25 sorcerers with a potion that captured every romantic quirk of love in its liquid: history, commitment, intimacy, soul bindings, and last but not least, duration--forever. Like blood vessels connected to one heart, the men’s immortality depends on the survival of their love, the witch.

But there’s a slight complication: men HATE being forced into commitment, especially those who were once legendary sorcerers, and when the curse lifts after a thousand years, they want revenge for the trickery and spell. Before the immortals could shake the curse, the witch is sixteen years reincarnated, and Junie Wilshire is their new (and improved!) soul-mate.

With minions, bangs, booms and wizardry, the immortals come to the hilly cornfields of the Midwest for vengeance, terrorizing her school’s nemesis, vandalizing her apartment, threatening her hippie parents and framing her for murder of America’s finest police officers. Junie’s got to figure out how to break the curse, and fast. She got to drop the mean-girl act and get real, protect her friends and frienemies or bring her immortal soulmates down with her.

Love to the 25th Power is complete at 65,000 words. It should appeal to fans of Karen Moning’s Fever/Iced series.


First 250:

After my sixteenth birthday, I learned three life lessons: 1.) Buckle your seatbelt. 2.) Karma sucks. 3.) I am NOT adopted.
Don’t get me wrong: my parents did an outstanding job raising a stubborn, aggravating, whimsical little girl from teeny to teens. I had a happy life with my family, and by ‘happy’, I mean no one was trying to kill me. Especially not my boyfriends.
“Junie J. Wilshire. Sex: Female. Height; 5’3.” Joe stopped reading my newly acquired driver’s license to give me the once over.
Joe was my best friend since middle-school. He wore glasses, sweaters, and his eyes shone like diamonds in a tunnel. He was African-American and had rich dark brown skin and a heart-shaped nose. When I was away from him, I would get all doe-eyed and sissy. If I were around him though, he’d just annoy me, like he did now. My relationship with Joe comes with rules: 1.) he is not my second father. 2.) I would never admit how cute he is. 3.) Friends don’t like each other.
 He put his hand to the top of his forehead as if saluting, and then waved it over the top of my head. “About right.” Joe was a couple of inches taller than me, emphasis on ‘couple’; he preened like he was as a tall as a professional basketball player. “Birthday today. Weight…” He paused, eyebrows lifting.
             I batted my eyes at him. At the DMV, the clerks had asked me to guesstimate my weight. I guesstimated well, if I say so myself.

7 comments:

  1. Your title made me stop and read. Bravo.

    I've pasted your query down below and my comments are in caps, not to yell at you, but to make them easier to see.

    Sixteen-year-old Junie J. Wilshire’s got advice for witches everywhere--when casting love spells on hot, powerful guys, it’s best to make sure they actually fall in love with you. (I THOUGHT THE SPELL WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT--MAKE THEM FALL FOR YOU. SO I'M CONFUSED WHAT ELSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE DONE TO MAKE SURE THAT HAPPENS.)

    Junie thinks she’s the second-coming of Miley Cyrus: gangsta-wannabe, non-conforming, finger-to-the-air-girl. What she doesn't know is she’s [[actually--DON'T OVERUSE THIS WORD. IT'S FINE ABOVE, BUT I'D DELETE IT HERE) Earth’s reincarnation of a great witch from another realm. A thousand years ago, the witch poisoned 25 sorcerers with a potion that captured every romantic quirk of love in its liquid: history, commitment, intimacy, soul bindings, and last but not least, duration--forever. Like blood vessels connected to [[one--A??]] heart, the men’s (WHAT MEN'S? MAN'S??)immortality depends on the survival of their love, the witch.

    But there’s a slight complication: men --HATE--TITLES ARE FINE IN ALL CAPS. AND COMMENTS BY CRITIQUERS, BUT NOT A GOOD IDEA IN THE QUERY. YOU COULD ITALICIZE? being forced into commitment, especially those who were once legendary sorcerers, and when the curse lifts after a thousand years, they[[ want--SEEK??]] revenge for the trickery and spell. Before the immortals could shake the curse, the witch is sixteen years reincarnated, and Junie Wilshire is their new (and improved!) soul-mate.--TO WHOM? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHO SHE IS A SOULMATE TO.

    With minions, bangs, booms and wizardry, the immortals come to the hilly cornfields of the Midwest for vengeance, terrorizing her school’s nemesis, vandalizing her apartment, threatening her hippie parents and framing her for murder of [[America’s finest--DELETE]] police officers. Junie’s got--MUST?? to figure out how to break the curse, and fast. She got--DON'T WANT TO OVERUSE 'GOT' to drop the mean-girl act and get real, protect her friends and frienemies or bring her immortal soulmates--ABOVE YOU HYPHENATE THIS WORD. down with her.

    Love to the 25th Power--CAN PUT IN ALL CAPS is complete at 65,000 words. It should appeal to fans of Karen Moning’s Fever/Iced series.

    Good first 250. Not sure about needing the points after the numbers and before the ). In the 2nd listing I'd capitalize He.

    You may want to consider more conflict in the opening, however. Reading off a driver's license isn't advancing the plot. It can be in the first chapter of course, but maybe not here. We don't even know she's a witch and I think that's important to mention the moment we meet Junie.

    Hope this helps.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lots of voice in this query, but the complexity of several of the sentences makes it harder to follow.

    Sixteen-year-old Junie J. Wilshire’s got advice for witches everywhere--when casting love spells on hot, powerful guys, it’s best to make sure they actually fall in love with you.

    Junie thinks she’s the second-coming of Miley Cyrus: gangsta-wannabe, non-conforming, finger-to-the-air-girl(I like this!). What she doesn't know is she’s actually(maybe just use- In fact she’s Earth’s …) Earth’s reincarnation of a great witch from another realm. A thousand years ago, the witch poisoned 25(spell it out- twenty-five) sorcerers with a potion that captured every romantic quirk of love in its liquid: history, commitment, intimacy, soul bindings, and last but not least, duration—forever(This sentence was the hardest for me to grasp. Can you simplify it somehow?). Like blood vessels connected to one heart, the men’s immortality depends on the survival of their love, the witch.

    But there’s a slight complication: men HATE being forced into commitment, especially those who were once legendary sorcerers, and(Consider cutting the ‘and’ and making into two sentences. This is a lot to take in at once.) when the curse lifts after a thousand years, they want revenge for the trickery and (the) spell. Before the immortals could shake the curse, the witch is sixteen years(I'd cut 'sixteen years') reincarnated, and Junie Wilshire is their new (and improved!) soul-mate.

    With minions, bangs, booms and wizardry, the immortals come to the hilly cornfields of the Midwest for vengeance, terrorizing her school’s nemesis, vandalizing her apartment, threatening her hippie parents and framing her for murder of America’s finest police officers. Junie’s got to figure out how to break the curse, and fast. She got(Time to drop…) to drop the mean-girl act and get real, protect her friends and frienemies or bring her immortal soulmates down with her.

    Love to the 25th Power is complete at 65,000 words. It should appeal to fans of Karen Moning’s Fever/Iced series.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Again a lot of voice and characterization in the opener. Maybe consider cutting some of the telling about Joe.

    First 250:

    After my sixteenth birthday, I learned three life lessons: 1.) Buckle your seatbelt. 2.) Karma sucks. 3.) I am NOT adopted. (This is fun but I don’t see how it relates to the rest of the opening.)
    Don’t get me wrong: my parents did an outstanding job raising a stubborn, aggravating, whimsical little girl from teeny to teens(teen instead of teens?). I had a happy life with my family, and by ‘happy’, I mean no one was trying to kill me. Especially not my boyfriends.
    “Junie J. Wilshire. Sex: Female. Height; 5’3.” Joe stopped reading my newly acquired driver’s license to give me the once over.
    Joe was my best friend since middle-school. He wore glasses, sweaters, and his eyes shone like diamonds in a tunnel. He was African-American and had rich dark brown skin and a heart-shaped nose.(Maybe incorporate a description instead of telling. My best friend since middle school, Joe wore glasses and sweaters. His eyes shone like diamonds in a tunnel in his rich dark brown skin.) When I was away from him, I would get all doe-eyed and sissy. If I were around him though, he’d just annoy me, like he did now. My relationship with Joe comes with rules: 1.) he is not my second father. 2.) I would never admit how cute he is. 3.) Friends don’t like each other. (I’m not sure a second list so soon is wise and there is a lot of telling about their relationship instead of letting us discover it as the story moves along.)
    He put his hand to the top of his forehead as if saluting, and then waved it over the top of my head. “About right.” Joe was a couple of inches taller than me, emphasis on ‘couple’; he preened like he was as a tall as a professional basketball player. “Birthday today. Weight…” He paused, eyebrows lifting.
    I batted my eyes at him. At the DMV, the clerks had asked me to guesstimate my weight. I guesstimated well, if I say so myself.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Query:

    OVERALL THOUGHTS: Great voice. I feel like this query might benefit from focusing more on portraying Junie regular, average life suddenly being interrupted by these revenge-seeking sorcerers. In other words, make the last paragraph the beef of the query. I don’t know exactly how the story goes in the novel, of course, but would it make more sense to show her life being interrupted by the sorcerers and having her wonderabout/receive hints about them being ancient sorcerers, including her reincarnated self? I feel like that could be more of a reveal at the end of the query versus sort of a large infodumpy clump in the middle. A thought, anyway.

    Sixteen-year-old Junie J. Wilshire’s got advice for witches everywhere--when casting love spells on hot, powerful guys, it’s best to make sure they actually fall in love with you. [I thought love spells were supposed to make you fall in love, so this a bit confusing]

    Junie thinks she’s the second-coming of Miley Cyrus: gangsta-wannabe, non-conforming, finger-to-the-air-girl. What she doesn't know is she’s actually Earth’s reincarnation of a great witch from another realm. A thousand years ago, the witch poisoned 25 sorcerers with a potion that captured every romantic quirk of love in its liquid: history, commitment, intimacy, soul bindings, and last but not least, duration--forever. Like blood vessels connected to one heart, the men’s immortality depends on the survival of their love, the witch. [I’m a little confused, though it could be just me; so you’re saying that the men’s immortality depends on the witch’s immortality? what does this all have to do with their love for her or love itself in regards to the love potion?]

    But there’s a slight complication: men HATE being forced into commitment [in terms of them being in love forever with Junie the ancient sorceress or in terms of being immortal? I’m not sure I understand the connection, exactly], especially those who were once legendary sorcerers, and when the curse lifts after a thousand years, they want revenge for the trickery and spell [still don’t understand what they want revenge for exactly…]. Before the immortals could shake the curse, the witch is sixteen years reincarnated, and Junie Wilshire is their new (and improved!) [why improved? And how?] soul-mate.

    With minions, bangs, booms and wizardry, the immortals come to the hilly cornfields of the Midwest for vengeance, terrorizing her school’s nemesis, vandalizing her [Junie’s] apartment, threatening her hippie parents and framing her for murder of America’s finest police officers. Junie’s got to figure out how to break the curse, and fast. She [She’s] got to drop the mean-girl act and get real, protect her friends and frienemies or bring her immortal soulmates down with her.

    Love to the 25th Power is complete at 65,000 words. It should appeal to fans of Karen Moning’s Fever/Iced series.

    ReplyDelete
  5. First 250:


    After my sixteenth birthday, I learned three life lessons: 1.) Buckle your seatbelt. 2.) Karma sucks. 3.) I am NOT adopted.
    Don’t get me wrong: [Make : a period] my parents did an outstanding job raising a stubborn, aggravating, whimsical little girl from teeny to teens. I had a happy life with my family, and by ‘happy’, I mean no one was trying to kill me. Especially not [Including? Don’t know why it would be ‘especially not’] my boyfriends.
    “Junie J. Wilshire. Sex: Female. Height; 5’3.” Joe stopped reading my newly acquired driver’s license to give me the once over.
    Joe was my best friend since middle-school. He wore glasses, sweaters, and his eyes shone like diamonds in a tunnel. He was African-American and had rich dark brown skin and a heart-shaped nose. When I was away from him, I would get all doe-eyed and sissy. If I were around him though, he’d just annoy me, like he did now. My relationship with Joe comes with rules: 1.) he is not my second father. 2.) I would never admit how cute he is. 3.) Friends don’t like each other. [this paragraph is a bit too much of an infodump about Joe; can you weave in some more of this info throughout the story so you can keep the general thrust of the story going?]
    He put his hand to the top of his forehead as if saluting, and then waved it over the top of my head. “About right.” [Kind of a long time since he last spoke, so it jarred me, as I had to go back to what he said before to understand what he just did; cutting down on the telling of Joe will help with this] Joe was a couple of inches taller than me, emphasis on ‘couple’; he preened like he was as a tall as a professional basketball player. “Birthday today. Weight…” He paused, eyebrows lifting.
    I batted my eyes at him. At the DMV, the clerks had asked me to guesstimate my weight. I guesstimated well, if I say so myself.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi!

    The beginning of your query has me confused as you jump from Junie to the witch.
    Maybe after the logline you could start with the witch instead of Junie?
    You might want to avoid the Miley Cyrus reference – querying can be a lengthy process, and your comparison might not be accurate or even relevant any more.
    The sentence starting “A thousand years ago” runs too long – try to simplify it. Do we really need all those details? The same goes for the following sentence, the essence of which seems to be that the men captured by the love potion will die if the witch dies. (That’s how I understand it at least.) Maybe make that a bit clearer?
    In the next paragraph, you could make the link from the witch to Junie. Again, there’s a long-running sentence that could be simplified or cut into two. “Men hate being forced into commitment, especially those who were once legendary sorcerers. When the curse lifts after a thousand years, they want revenge…”
    Also, in what way is Junie improved? If it’s important, you might want to clarify, if it’s not, just leave it out.
    The last paragraph has another of those long-running sentences. Also it’s full of gerunds. (I’m usually guilty of both, that’s why I tend to notice.) Here’s a suggestion for rephrasing, with my comments interjected: “With minions, bangs, booms and wizardry, the immortals come to the hills cornfields of the Midwest for vengeance. (Are they united in their vengeance against her?) The terrorize her school’s nemesis (wouldn’t that be a good thing?), threaten her hippie parents and frame her for murder of America’s finest police officers.”
    Finally we get to the stakes, but “she has to get real” seems too vague. (Also, “She got to drop” should be "She’s got to drop”, no?) What can she do? Does she have inherited the powers of the witch, and does she know how to use them?

    First 250:
    The story starts on Junie’s birthday, so why do you say “AFTER my sixteenth birthday”? Did she learn those lessons later, or did she learn them on that day, or had she learned them by that day?
    The description from the driver’s licence seems akin to a character describing him/herself in the mirror, a cliché better to be avoided. We already know she’s female, and do we really need to know her height (and her guesstimated weight)? As for her name, maybe Joe could say “Junie J. Wilshire. Licensed driver.” or something like that as he holds her licence? (Just a suggestion.)
    Otherwise, I think the first 250 capture Junie’s tone nicely.

    Hope any of this is helpful.
    Good luck!
    Mayken

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think that there is a lot of voice here and I like it! I do think that the query is a little confusing in some areas. I think that the Miley Cyrus reference could go. Like others have said, you don't know what trends will be going when this book is sold, so maybe leave her out and just say your character is a "finger-to-the-air kind of girl."

    I also think that letting us know more about what Junie's life is like and how she finds out she's a witch? I think you could also drop the "sixteen years reincarnated," because we already know that Junie is sixteen and that she's the reincarnated witch. Other than that, I like it. I'm a huge fan of KMM, so if this is anything like that I would love it :)

    The first 250 have a lot of voice again, but I think the first sentence is a little weird. Why is she stating that she isn't adopted? I think it's a cute way to start it off, but we have no idea why you would say that, does she think she's adopted?

    I also agree with others that the license read off for her description is kind of like the reflection in a mirror description. I think that maybe taking out the "African-American" part and just describing him. Let people see what they see when you say "rich brown skin" rather than telling them what they should see. Other than that I really like how Junie's voice comes through in there! This is fun and exciting! I hope this helps :)

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete