Title: FOLLOW THE SUN
Entry Title: Nowhere Land
Word Count: 78,000
Genre: #ownvoices historical YA (MC is biracial w/ black father, white mother)
Query:
In 1969, Rett syndrome is unheard of. But come hell or high water, seventeen-year-old Jackie is determined to discover the reason why her little sister suddenly lost the ability to speak and control her hands.
Jackie’s four-year-old sister, Evie, has an unknown and mysterious disability. Her parents accept their small town doctor’s generic, “I dunno,” diagnosis that Evie was born with physical and mental impairments and will remain “slow” her entire life. Jackie doesn’t buy it. Evie wasn’t born that way; she regressed just before turning two. Unbeknownst to her folks, Jackie spends months secretly mailing letters to various doctors around the country. She’s convinced that if she can find one expert with an explanation for Evie’s ailments, it will force her parents to choose a path aimed toward a cure rather than blind acceptance.
That’s a lot to handle, though, and no amount of getting drunk with her flower child friends, flirting with a guy who’s caught her eye, or fighting with her June Cleaver-ish mother keeps Evie’s troubles from constantly gnawing at the back of her mind. When a reclusive old lady from Europe reveals her knowledge of a doctor in Austria who might have an answer to the riddle that is Evie, Jackie’s world begins to brighten. But, Evie’s disability becomes too much for her mother and father to handle, and they make plans to remove Evie from Jackie’s life.
Perfect timing; disgusted with her parents’ cruel plan, Jackie takes off on a trip to the Woodstock music festival with her friends. What they don’t know, however, is that she has no intention of returning home with them when it’s over. But, the idea of being separated from Evie weighs heavily on her mind. As Woodstock ends, Jackie must decide to either find a new life elsewhere or return home to be an advocate for her sister and fight against her parents in a decision that she knows is not hers to make.
First 250:
Woodstock Music & Art Fair, August 1969
Day One – Late Afternoon
I inhale scents so thick of lost inhibitions disguised as weed and booze it’s as if I can reach out and touch them. Literally get a contact high. After hours of waiting, the music’s finally started, but time has no place here. You simply exist. You are here. It is today. The time is now. And it’s all good. But my mind flickers like the flashes of a camera between photos of the before and the after. The past and the present. The agony that brought me to this point and where it might lead me in the future.
Between Evie and this field full of strangers.
The odors surrounding me vanish, replaced by the memory of more comforting aromas: cookies and apple juice. I smile, in spite of myself. But those thoughts angle my mind toward others that curdle my stomach, like Evie at the supper table with my parents, her hands wringing all over themselves. I’m not there as I should be, and she doesn’t understand why. The image of her face in my head makes each beat of my heart push my chest one notch higher on my personal threshold of pain. Like some great chasm has cracked along my sternum, leaking a burning fire through the rest of my body.
I ache to see her, but I can’t go back home. Not after what I found out. Not after what I learned.
VERSUS
Title: TIGHTROPE
Entry Nickname: My Dad Bought Me this Tattoo
Word count: 75K
Genre: YA Thriller
Query:
When she’s arrested for peddling drugs in school, seventeen-year-old, Antoinette (Toni) Martali learns her American mother fled Mexico with her when Toni was a baby and has been living in hiding from Toni’s cartel father. Instead of landing in juvenile detention for her bust, ex-DEA Agent Jo Flynn offers Toni a new identity and an opportunity to help bring her father—a dangerous man wanted for drug-trafficking, and now, the death of Toni’s mother—to justice in lieu of disappearing into witness protection.
Agreeing to Flynn’s offer, Toni holds her thirst for vengeance close as she is introduced to the other teens in Flynn’s diverse posse—all of whom have lost parts of their lives to the murderous Mendoza Cartel. Together, this cast of criminal teens will train to infiltrate Toni’s family and secure the revenge they seek—if they don’t kill each other in the process.
First 250:
The living room curtains block the early morning light, shrouding the sofa in shadows. It’s been more than a year since my mother slept in her own bed; months since the cancer allowed her more than the briefest moment of comfort. She has retreated inside herself, a ghost of the woman who raised me with love.
“You’ll be okay, Mama?” I hesitate in the doorway with her steaming cup of tea, holding still until I see her stir. My greatest fear is finding her in this hell-hole of a room on the day I wake up and she doesn’t.
Her breath fills her lungs on a loud inhale, roughened at the end. The room smells like old food and cigarettes blended with the ripe odor of a withered body and blankets that need washing.
“Is it morning, Toni?” she asks thickly beneath her pain and the ever-increasing dose of meds that do nothing to mask it. I frown as she reaches for a pack of cigarettes. “Heading to school?”
I set the tea on the table within her reach, covering the rings from past cups with the pristine white mug. “Yes.”
She adjusts her hips on the concave sofa cushion, hissing through her teeth. “Be careful, mi chica.”
I smile sadly at her pet name for me. Mama used to live in Mexico, as a nanny and teacher for a wealthy family. It was where she met my father, but we don’t talk about him anymore.
Judges can reply with their feedback and vote here.
ReplyDeleteThoughts on FOLLOW THE SUN:
Delete- This is a topic that is new to me, very interesting. I’ve heard that “sick lit” is flooded right now, but perhaps since the narrator is not the one with the illness, that won’t be an issue.
- The “I dunno” bit could stand to be replaced with something like “inconclusive” or similar. Something more professional.
- How do they meet the reclusive old lady from Europe? That sounds totally far-fetched and comes out of left field. I’d clarify.
- “Remove her from Jackie’s life” is vague. I think you can say institutionalize her or put her in a hospital or whatever the correct historical placement would be.
- I’m struggling with the idea that Jackie would leave her sister, possibly for good, after so much research and effort to find a diagnosis. I’m assuming she doesn’t actually do this in the end, so maybe tweak the stakes?
- I really like the setting, especially Woodstock, but I wonder how much teen readers would be into it. I don’t see many YA novels set in this time period but maybe yours is the one that will break in!
- In the 250, see my concern about Jackie leaving for good. There must be a way to convey her wanting to leave in the query without seeming super cruel. Maybe defining where her sister is going will do the trick.
- I’m curious why you’re choosing to begin the story with something that appears at the end of the query. Does it go back and forth? Flashbacks? Maybe something to clarify in the query if yes.
- Otherwise, well written and good sense of place.
Thoughts on TIGHTROPE:
- Query is short and needs more details—you definitely have room to add them.
- The first sentence is confusing and chock full of important info. I would break it up to make it more clear.
- It’s unclear how the DEA knows who Toni’s father is and perhaps unlikely that her mother would’ve shared that info with anyone once she fled?
- Is her mother alive or dead when the book begins? I’d clarify that in the query.
- Where does the vengeance come from? Her mother’s death? This also should be clarified in the query.
- I want a little more about the teens working to bring down the cartel. I assume they’re important to the story. They don’t need to be named, but what kinds of tasks do they all do together? Is there romance? Is there conflict within them?
- It’s obvious from the 250 that mom dies of cancer, so I’m again unclear about the vengeance piece.
- I get a good sense of sadness and foreboding form the 250, but I’m not sure if this is the right place to begin. Curious what the next scene is.
This was a tough choice. But, based on the readiness of the query and voice, I’m going with victory to FOLLOW THE SUN!
I definitely agree with And Peggy on all points (which saves me a lot of typing, lol!). I think Tightrope has a lot of potential but in the end, Follow the Sun is the most polished and ready to go. I also love that Woodstock is involved!
DeleteVICTORY GOES TO FOLLOW THE SUN!
NOWHERE LAND:
DeleteQuery: Too long. You need to cut out as much as possible and keep it to the point. Lines like this: “Her parents accept their small town doctor’s generic, ‘I dunno,’ diagnosis that Evie was born with physical and mental impairments and will remain ‘slow’ her entire life,” can be entirely cut out since the mysterious illness in the preceding sentence already says almost all of this in only two words.
On a side note: I’d be careful with the ownvoices designation. If an agent sees that and sees it is about Rett syndrome, they’d expect the story to be told by someone with Rett syndrome or from someone who has a family member with it.
250: Very strong 250. The writing is good and you left us at a point where we need to keep reading to find out what she learned and why she can’t go home. Well done.
TIGHTROPE:
Query: I’m torn on the Antoinette (Toni) thing. On one hand, I want you to pick a name and stick with it since it’s a little confusing having you refer to one person as two different names. On the other hand, I’m really curious why you’d mention Antoinette at all if she goes by Toni. Is there a significance to the name change? If not cut it. As for the rest of the query, it’s a cool idea.
250: I like the 250 a lot. The writing is good, and I think the scene sets the mood nicely. I am confused about the death of the mom, though. From the query it sounded like dad murdered her, but here it sounds more like cancer? Might want to clarify. Otherwise good job.
I like both of these concepts and both of the 250s. Both need work on the query, but nothing that can’t be fixed. As is the case with all of the entries, this is another hard one. I’m intrigued more by the concept in one of the two, but I'm grabbed more by the 250 of the other. I'm going to have to go with the better 250 so…….. victory to FOLLOW THE SUN.
Both of the entries have really interesting subject matters.
DeleteFor SUN, I'm super-interested in this subject matter which I haven't heard of before. I'm sending all the best wishes for your daughter and your family. As for feedback, I think And Peggie basically nails what I would say. I would add one note about the query. This line, "That’s a lot to handle, though, and no amount of getting drunk with her flower child friends, flirting with a guy who’s caught her eye, or fighting with her June Cleaver-ish mother keeps Evie’s troubles from constantly gnawing at the back of her mind," makes it sound as if the troubles are gnawing at Evie when I assume you actually mean Jackie. But overall, nice job and this book sounds super interesting.
On TIGHTROPE, this is the kind book that I would naturally reach out for and pick up off the shelf. There are some more detailed takes on the query but overall I think it just needs more thrill. It's fairly short and I definitely agree that we could use a bit more about these cartel-fighting teens and their escapades. On the first page, I was really torn. I think the writing is very strong (the rings of the tea cups is particularly effective) and it accomplished making Toni likable and sympathetic in a short space. But I'm not entirely sure it hooked me. Is there anything you could do to drop us a hint of Toni's dealing or foreshadow future events?
Victory to FOLLOW THE SUN!
Replying as Chief Doodler!
DeleteNowhere Land:
The concept for the story is super interesting, but the Query felt long to me, and I was confused about what the main character truly wanted. Was it to discover new medical treatment for Evie? Or to prevent her parents from sending Evie away? And then Jackie decides she might not come home at all—what about Evie then? It seems weird that she'd just up and leave her baby sister when the majority of the Query talks about her desire to find help for Evie. I would trim all unnecessary information and just describe the root of the story.
What does Jackie want? What stands in her way? What does she stand to lose?
The writing sample is beautiful—but no way is it YA. The voice reads a bit literary and I just don't believe we are in the head of a teenager in a middle of a giant music festival. As is, Jackie reads as if she's in her mid to late twenties.
Tightrope:
Another interesting premise. Is this own voices? If it is, I would absolutely mention it! Like the other feedback mentioned, I also found the query to be short. You have room to fill in some details. My biggest concern is that we don't have any personal stakes for Toni. The last paragraph highlights that her life is in potential danger—along with everyone else's. What about HER specifically? Bring the stakes closer to your main character. That's who we're reading about. What will happen to Toni if she doesn't avenge her mother? What will happen if the DEA officer finds out that Toni has a thirst for revenge? Will she get sent far away? Go to jail? Mention specific things concerning Toni so that we care about what happens to her.
The 250 words was written well, and I can absolutely feel Toni's pain while she cares for her sick mother. I really wish we would have seen some of this in the query though. As an example: if Toni goes into witness protection, maybe that will mean they'll have to move away from the best cancer treatment center. Toni has to help the DEA in order to have her mother receive the best medical care. I have no idea what happens in the story, but just wanted to point out that bringing the stakes close to Toni, making it more personal, will help hook the reader!
My vote goes to Tightrope, mostly because I'm intrigued about what happens next!
Critique: Nowhere Land
Delete----
Query:
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Intriguing. I think the query is a bit long, and you give a lot of plot. I think you could condense it and then it’d be an easy sell. I could stand having a bit more character development too, but overall it’s just a lot of plot and not all of it seems absolutely essential.
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First 250 words:
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Agents tend to hate prologues. I don’t mind them, but agents do. So I’d likely cut this and start at the inciting incident, which I assume would be the doctor’s “I don’t know” diagnosis.
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Critique: My Dad Bought Me this Tattoo
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Query:
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I like that you get a sense of the stakes in such a short character. However, you are missing some character development. I need to feel connected to Toni to care. However, I think sprinkling in a few details and varying some sentence length (the 1st paragraph is two very long sentences, followed by yet another long sentence starting the 2nd paragraph,) would land you an agent easily.
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First 250 words:
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While Agents dislike prologues, I don’t love stories that start with sick parents, but that doesn’t make this bad. It’s just a preference issue. Assuming that I’m in the minority there, I think this story starts out pretty great. In 250 words I know a lot without having been TOLD it. Great job.
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Verdict: Both of these are good, but both have problems. Nowhere Land has an overly long query and seems to start in the wrong place. My Dad Bought Me this Tattoo seems to start in the right place (even if I don’t love it) but the query is so sparse I’m not connected to the characters. Ultimately, I think with substantial revision, both will do well, but I’m going to give it to Nowhere Land as I like the characters.
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WINNER GOES TO: Nowhere Land
Nowhere Land
DeleteQuery:
The topic is compelling and the emotion of the story comes through even in the query. Even without the final paragraph (which should be cut for the purposes of QK), though, the query is too long and there are clear places to crop (for example, the opening two lines are repeated but the beginning of the next paragraph). Also, there seems to be a shift between the setting up of the stakes and the hook. The stakes as presented lead us to believe Jackie is going to go and find the cure for her sister. But the hook centers on Jackie’s choice to either stay or leave completely. So it’s not an exact match.
First 250 Words:
Not much to say here. A very evocative opening.
My Dad Bought Me This Tattoo
Query:
Gripping premise. It needs to be filled out more. Why does Toni want vengeance (it’s implied, but should be stated outright)? Also, the hook needs to be stronger. Right now it’s simply telling us she wants revenge, but that’s rather generic. Give us specific details, something to make this story stand out from the slush pile.
First 250 Words:
Another strong 250. I feel like the voice could be pushed just a little more, made a little more distinct, but overall it’s very well written.
*****
Wow, this might be the toughest decision I’ve faced yet. It’s almost a toss of the coin. While both queries still need work, I found both first pages quite compelling. But since I have to choose, on the basis of one query having nearly all the elements in place and mostly just needing cropping down, I’m giving victory to NOWHERE LAND!
coming down to the wire here, so I'm going to vote and if you don't make it through and want/need more feedback aside from what's already been posted - reach out to me via the tag on twitter (tag both my name #sailorsun and #querykombat) and I'll find you. I'd be more than happy to work with you on the query + first chapter.
DeleteVICTORY GOES TO: (this was incredibly rough!) FOLLOW THE SUN
Nowhere Land
ReplyDeleteQuery:
If Rett Syndrome is unheard of in 1969, it feels anachronistic to mention it the way you have in the first paragraph. In fact, I think you could cut the entire first paragraph and then incorporate the year elsewhere. (I do like how you mention it in the final paragraph; it seems appropriate as it is there.)
In the final sentence of the third paragraph, it sounds like her parents are specifically removing Evie from their home with the intent of keeping her away from Jackie; I'm unsure if that's what you mean. And I admit I'm unclear about whether Evie is already gone by the time Jackie goes to Woodstock. If Evie is still at home, I don't understand why Jackie would feel comfortable leaving to have fun without the intention to return.
I love your final paragraph of explanation. It ties everything together nicely :).
First 250:
I love love love your first paragraph. You have quite a literary voice that really pops. My old hesitation is the first sentence, which I admit I had to read twice because I stumbled over it the first time.
I really like the hook in your first 250! Now that I've read it, I understand that Evie is still at home while Jackie is at Woodstock. At this point, then, I guess I'm a little confused about what she found out at home that's preventing her from going back; is it the fact that her parents will take Evie away? Because it seems to me that that would make her run home. Perhaps this could be clarified in your query.
All in all, super strong entry! I would totally read this!
My Dad Bought Me This Tattoo
Query:
Whoa, you've packed quite a punch with such a short amount of space. Bravo! My only hangup is that the death of her mother seems to come out of nowhere. Was she dead before this story began, or does she die during the story? From the first 250, I can see that she's alive at the beginning of the story, but that's not clear in the query. I'd recommend at least a sentence about her mom's death and how it affects her, maybe even say when her mom dies (before the crime? after?).
First 250:
This is a great first 250! I really like the way the description emanates off the page without bogging us down with details. I'd definitely read this!
Nowhere land: I thought the opening was great. I also thought this sentence "Jackie’s four-year-old sister, Evie, has an unknown and mysterious disability." didn't feel necessary because the first two sentences had already established Evie had a disability. I also wasn't 100% sold on the conflict at the end because I couldn't believe Jackie might actually abandon Evie; I was more interested in the conflict with her parents as the closing stakes. The first 250 was great.
ReplyDeleteMy Dad: Your query is very interesting--I want to read more! My only peeve is I think it could be a bit longer. It's only two paragraphs, so you have room to explain more about what the plan is or who the other characters are. Plus, "if they don’t kill each other in the process." is a bit of a cliche--though I admit it's a cliche I like so I have mixed feelings. The 250 was really strong. My only critique is pretty picky--I thought "my girl" was a dull nickname for the MC. You could pick something that really highlights her personality instead.
Nowhere Land:
ReplyDeleteQuery: I really liked this one, but it was a bit confused. Is the main conflict a mystery (finding out what's going on with her sister) or is it trying to convince her parents to not give up on her sister? I think the query would be stronger if you picked one of these things to focus on. But I do love that it's set in the sixties because it's really unique. Add a bit of clarity and I think you'll be great!
250: I like the first 250 words! Very well written and engaging. I stumbled over the first sentence a bit, but that could be just me. What worries me is the voice sounds a bit too lofty for YA. I'm not sure if I believe she's 17. I'm also assuming the rest of the story will be told in flashback. What's the value of starting at Woodstock? It's probably revealed in the rest of the chapters, but that's a question I had while reading.
Tattoo
Query: This may go against the other suggestions, but I love this query exactly the way it is. Short, action packed, punchy--if your book is like this too, it's the perfect summary. I think the length works in your favor, and it makes me want to read it. A lot!
250: Great, heart-breaking start. It doesn't entirely match up with what I was suspecting with the query, but it works. Great job!
Nowhere Land: You’ve picked a great time setting withCounter-Culture. “Scents so thick of lost inhibitions” confused me. The “of” seems wrong somehow. And Jackie can almost literally get a contact high is also confusing, because she could literally get high from clouds of marijuana smoke. When you say Time has no place here I would expect Jackie to feel that timelessness, at least briefly. But she is immediately back with her worries.
ReplyDeleteTightrope: That’s a great concept, a team of delinquent teens working undercover. When Toni says “You’ll be okay”, would it be stronger to ask, “Are you okay?”? And why does the cancer mean she has to sleep on the couch? The transition between the pet name and Mama living in Mexico seems abrupt to me.
Both of these entries seem like set-ups that will put teens into intense family drama. Good luck!
Great job to both of you and good luck!
ReplyDeleteFollow the Sun:
Query: I would cut out the first paragraph, and add the year into the next paragraph. The rest of this paragraph is summed up later on and you don’t need it.
In the second paragraph, this is a minor thing, but specify “Evie’s troubles from constantly gnawing at the back of Jackie’s mind.” I really liked how you summed up her distractions though—gave me a great picture of her life quickly.
The third paragraph confused me—it sounds like Evie is still with the family at this point and based on what we know so far of Jackie, it’s confusing as to why she wouldn’t want to return home and abandon her sister. Her parents, yes, but not her little sister.
First 250:
You set the scene of Woodstock well, but the “thick of lost inhibitions disguised as weed and booze” tripped me up a little bit. It just felt a little clunky, but I liked the sentiment.
Reading this helped me understand the stakes a little better, and I want to know what happened in Everton!
Tightrope:
Query: Why would Toni be disappearing into witness protection? I appreciate how short this query is, but you have room to add in a little more detail about maybe the cast of criminal teens or how her life changes once she’s a part of Flynn’s posse.
First 250:
The opening is great—puts me in the scene right away.
But I want a few more details about her state before you get into her backstory. When was the last time she was well? What sort of pain is she in?
Nowhere Land
ReplyDeleteQuery – I’m confused because you don’t mention Woodstock until the 4th paragraph, and it seems like a lot happens before Jackie goes there, but in the 250, she’s already at Woodstock. Is the story told in flashbacks? If so, you might want to reflect that somehow in the query. Maybe start with Woodstock and say, “Jackie’s only here because of X (about her sister and her parents) but before she leaves, she has to decide Y.” You could also cut a lot of the details about how Jackie searches for a cure and how she gets word of a certain doctor. Just summarize it as Jackie making progress and starting to have hope just as her parents give up. Finally, I’m confused about her parents’ actions. They’re overwhelmed by Evie’s disability, so they plan to remove Evie from Jackie’s life? Are they’re going to send her to an institution or something, with the side effect of separating her from Jackie? If so, it needs to be rephrased. Right now, it seems like they’re trying to separate the sisters.
250 – I can’t tell if you’re going for poetic language or trying to convey the thought process of someone who’s high, but I just ended up lost. Some of your sentences are more complicated than they need to be. “The image of her face in my head makes each beat of my heart push my chest one notch higher on my personal threshold of pain.” I can see that you’re trying to describe an intense emotion, but it would be more powerful if it were simpler.
Overall, I wanted to like this more than I did. I’m touched by a girl so determined to help her sister, and I can see that the story is close to your heart. I think you’d have more success with simpler, more direct writing.
My Dad Bought Me This Tattoo
Query – This is an interesting concept, but I feel like the balance of details is off. You could simplify and shorten the first paragraph and expand the second. “If they don’t kill each other in the process” suggests that there’s a lot of conflict within the “posse,” so you could explain some of that, just enough to show why it’s going to be an obstacle to their goal.
250 – This is such a painful opening scene. I feel bad for Toni and what she’s going through with her mom. “On the day I wake up and she doesn’t” is especially effective. I don’t have a lot of suggestions, but I would flip your first two sentences. “It’s been more than a year since my mother slept in her own bed” has more impact to open with.
Thank you both for sharing your work, and good luck.
Title: FOLLOW THE SUN
ReplyDeleteEntry Title: Nowhere Land
This concept sounds really compelling, and I love both your title and nickname! It is also great to see that this is an Own Voices story, which will give agents/editors confidence that it’s authentic and well-researched. My main concern with the query is that it starts off seeming like this is going to be a “find the cure” narrative, which many disability activists find harmful (as you probably know). However, it seems like the story shifts to being about keeping the family together, but I wasn’t quite sure. I would work on clarifying that. Did Jackie end up telling her folks about her search? Did she figure out what was going on with Evie? Why did she run away to Woodstock? That seems out of character.
Query:
In 1969, Rett syndrome is unheard of. But come hell or high water, seventeen-year-old Jackie is determined to discover the reason why her little sister suddenly lost the ability to speak and control her hands. [I love this! We know the character’s very relatable goal right away.]
Jackie’s four-year-old sister, Evie, has an unknown and mysterious disability. [This sentence seems like it repeats the information in the previous paragraph. Maybe combine it with the next to tighten?] Her parents accept their small town doctor’s generic, “I dunno,” diagnosis that Evie was born with physical and mental impairments and will remain “slow” her entire life. Jackie doesn’t buy it. Evie wasn’t born that way; she regressed just before turning two. Unbeknownst to her folks, [I would cut “unbeknownst to her folks” because you have “secretly” later] Jackie spends months secretly mailing letters to various doctors around the country. She’s convinced that if she can find one expert [why is expert italicized?] with an explanation for Evie’s ailments, it will force her parents to choose a path aimed toward a cure [this is a little long/awkward. Maybe “to look for a cure rather than accept Evie’s condition.] rather than blind acceptance.
That’s a lot to handle, though, and no amount of getting drunk with her flower child friends, flirting with a guy who’s caught her eye, or fighting with her June Cleaver-ish mother keeps Evie’s troubles from constantly gnawing at the back of her mind. When a reclusive old lady from Europe reveals her knowledge of a doctor in Austria who might have an answer to the riddle that is Evie, Jackie’s world begins to brighten. But, Evie’s disability becomes too much for her mother and father to handle, and they make plans to remove Evie from Jackie’s life.
Perfect timing; disgusted with her parents’ cruel plan, [what is the cruel plan? Sending her to live elsewhere? And why would Jackie retreat?] Jackie takes off on a trip to the Woodstock music festival with her friends. What they don’t know, however, is that she has no intention of returning home with them when it’s over. But, the idea of being separated from Evie weighs heavily on her mind. As Woodstock ends, Jackie must decide to either find a new life elsewhere or return home to be an advocate for her sister and fight against her parents in a decision that she knows is not hers to make. [This sentence is a little unwieldy.]
FOLLOW THE SUN brings attention to Rett syndrome, a severe and debilitating genetic neurological disorder discovered in 1966 that affects one in every 10,000 girls. The frustration of not knowing a true diagnosis impacts every single member of a family. This is a frustration I know all too well, as [I would maybe cut from “the frustration” to around here—you don’t need to tell us that this impacts everyone in a family as we can already see that from the query] my own daughter, originally misdiagnosed with autism, was finally correctly diagnosed with Rett syndrome when she was three. This is also an #ownvoices manuscript, as Jackie is biracial, with a white mother and black father, and so am I. [You could probably just say “as Jackie and I are both biracial.”]
FOLLOW THE SUN first 250:
ReplyDeleteFirst 250:
Woodstock Music & Art Fair, August 1969
Day One – Late Afternoon
[Wow! I was not expecting this to start at Woodstock! I love it, though! You might want to mention that it’s told in a non-linear format in the query. I have a few notes on your first paragraph. Overall, while the writing is atmospheric, I’m a little worried that she’s standing still and thinking. I’d love to see a little forward action in the scene from her.]
I inhale scents so thick of lost inhibitions disguised as weed and booze it’s as if I can reach out and touch them. [“I inhale scents” seems like a kind of awkward way to start the first sentence, but I love the second part. I’d think about playing/tweaking with this.] Literally get a contact high. After hours of waiting, the music’s finally started, but time has no place here. You simply exist. You are here. It is today. The time is now. And it’s all good. But my mind flickers like the flashes of a camera between photos of the before and the after. The past and the present. The agony that brought me to this point and where it might lead me in the future. [I’m not sure how I feel about her contradicting herself like this. Also, I would think about getting in some more details about where she is and what she’s doing in time. What is her active goal in this scene?]
Title: TIGHTROPE
ReplyDeleteEntry Nickname: My Dad Bought Me this Tattoo
Query:
When she’s arrested for peddling drugs in school, seventeen-year-old, Antoinette (Toni) Martali [Do we need both her name and nickname in the query?] learns her American mother fled Mexico with her when Toni was a baby and has been living in hiding from Toni’s cartel father. [AH THIS SOUNDS AWESOME!] Instead of landing in juvenile detention for her bust, [Something is off about this—maybe just “Instead of landing Toni in Juvi, ex…] ex-DEA Agent Jo Flynn offers Toni a new identity and an opportunity to help bring her father—a dangerous man wanted for drug-trafficking, and now, the death of Toni’s mother—to justice in lieu of disappearing into witness protection. [Wait, what? Toni’s mother is dead? I’m confused. This is a lot to cram between two em dashes. Maybe take your time a little more on this set up.]
Agreeing to Flynn’s offer, Toni holds her thirst for vengeance close [Why would she? Don’t they all want vengeance?] as she is introduced to the other teens in Flynn’s diverse posse—all of whom have lost parts of their lives to the murderous Mendoza Cartel. Together, this cast of criminal teens will train to infiltrate Toni’s family and secure the revenge they seek—if they don’t kill each other in the process. [This sounds highly entertaining but I think you can spend a little more time telling us about the conflicts between them, because right now, we don’t know why they would want to kill each other.]
First 250:
The living room curtains block the early morning light, shrouding the sofa in shadows. It’s been more than a year since my mother slept in her own bed; months since the cancer allowed her more than the briefest moment of comfort. [You still haven’t told us that Mom is in the sofa, directly, and we’ve only gotten the character’s observations here, not her actions yet. I think it might be best to start with the character in the doorway holding tea. That introduces the character as a kind, loving person right away.] She has retreated inside herself, a ghost of the woman who raised me with love.
“You’ll be okay, Mama?” I hesitate in the doorway with her steaming cup of tea, holding still until I see her stir. My greatest fear is finding her in this hell-hole of a room on the day I wake up and she doesn’t. [Maybe don’t tell us that this is her greatest fear. We get it that she’s waiting until she sees her stir for that reason.]
Her breath fills her lungs on a loud inhale, roughened at the end. [This attention to her breath also builds tension—great detail!] The room smells like old food and cigarettes blended with the ripe odor of a withered body and blankets that need washing.
“Is it morning, Toni?” she asks thickly beneath her pain and the ever-increasing dose of meds that do nothing to mask it. [This description feels like telling. Again, as before, we know she’s in pain from the detail of watching her breath.] I frown as she reaches for a pack of cigarettes. “Heading to school?”
I set the tea on the table within her reach, covering the rings from past cups with the pristine white mug. “Yes.”
She adjusts her hips on the concave sofa cushion, hissing through her teeth. “Be careful, mi chica.”
I smile sadly at her pet name for me. Mama used to live in Mexico, as a nanny and teacher for a wealthy family. It was where she met my father, but we don’t talk about him anymore. [Is she Mexican or did she used to live in Mexico? That should be clear.]