Summer Query Extravaganza #1

To celebrate the near arrival of summer and my son arriving safely in Japan (I have cleaned his room and can finally see the floor again. Imagine that!), I'm having a query dissecting extravaganza! Every day from now until my next hosting gig for Query Kombat, or until my son returns and I can no longer see the floor of his room, I will tear apart a willing victim participant. (Excepting Sundays because even I, glorious though I be, need a rest.)

To become my next participant you need only comment on the queries that come before you and contact me on twitter to volunteer for sacrifice this valuable opportunity.

Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't.  But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me. SO here goes, Query #1.

Dear Ms/Mr Agent Person, This is a good sign. They've left room for every gender. *wink*

England, 1347. The Black Death, medieval surgery, a physician monk and the mortecarni. Hmm. I do read quite a bit of history, but this last term escapes me. Morte means death, but the rest? That could be a bad sign. The other parts are interesting.  Good vs I'd spell this out.  evil isn't always black and white. Cliche. I'm more interested in specifics. It needs a better hook.

Brother Maurice is born in Wales and his interest and talent in healing lead him to the life of a monk and physician. Which I assume means he is higher up on the social ladder as equality is a thing of the future, and we won't be getting kissing scenes. After encountering the mortecarni Again, I'm thrown. What does this mean? I hope someone can enlighten me. As an agent I probably wouldn't check a dictionary.   he is summoned by the pope and asked to join a group of dedicated individuals whose members are sworn to fight these creatures. Why him? What makes him important enough for the pope.What did the mortecarni do to him? His ordeals include the discovery that a 'saint' is really an undead farmer, the bloody amputation of a young girl's leg, treatment of plague victims and a stay at a convent filled with mortecarni nuns. This is a great list, but it doesn't give me the stakes. What will happen if our monk loses to the mortecarni? Does the world implode or does our monk's head pop off?

The Mortecarni is complete at 94,000 words and is carefully researched for historical accuracy: character and place names, village portrayals and depictions of medieval life are all faithful to the time period, as are descriptions of illness and medical practices. But it is first and foremost a horror story. Nice. Word count seems reasonable. Some people may object to it taking so long to state a genre, but I doubt agents would care.

A bit about myself: I'd cut this intro. Wordy query means wordy story. And we already did wordy on the genre. my short stories have been published in Glossolalia, Polygraff, Temporary Infinity, Bareback Lit, Death Throes and Black Heart Magazines, as well as the horror anthology "So Long and Thanks for All the Brains." I have undergraduate degrees in both European History and Religious Studies, and a Masters in Creative Writing.  Impressive bio. It means they're not a fly-by-night writer.

As per your submission requirements, I include the first XXX pages of The Mortecarni below. I hope you enjoy the story and look forward to hearing from you. Which may or may not work depending on whether the agents wants pages and whether they send replies. I assume this section 'may vary.'

Regards, Not the usual thanks for your consideration, but it works.

Two things strike me with this query: First, it misses giving the stakes and why Brother Maurice is crucial to saving the civilized world. Second, it doesn't give me a sense of our main character. Does he prefer peas or green beans? Okay, maybe not that, but what is driving him. He wants to be a healer, wonderful. What else drives him? I believe you need to be driven by something to face these creatures. This query has many thing I personally find interesting, but it's lacking the personality of the mc.


Now it's your turn. Don't be shy. What do you think?

Kicked into Real Life

I don’t know about others, but when I write I have to immerse myself in that other world. I get in the head of my characters and live and breathe every word. Before writing a single chapter I envision exactly what will happen. Sometimes the level of detail is pretty basic, a general direction I’m shooting toward, but sometimes I plot down every line of dialogue by running it all through my loony brain first. My characters literally talk to each other in my head before I ever sit down to type a syllable. It gets worked out, and then I find time to write it—hoping I don’t forget everything before then. Trying to force things to happen by sitting down and typing might produce a few sentences, but it’s generally a wasted effort.

You can see that I require times of peace and quiet, which usually come when I take the dogs for walks or when I’m getting ready for work in the morning. A time of no worries.

Lately, my creativity has been zero. The ground has been moving and tilting with me trying to stay on top. For the last few weeks, real life came calling, and there’s been no visualizing of fictitious conversations. Oh, I’m still saying huh a lot when my family speaks to me. But that’s because I’m worrying over other things for once and not writing. Stray thoughts keep intruding like what if O’Hare airport suddenly moves and we can’t find terminal three by eleven o’clock or what if I forget to take second child to his band concert because I’m wondering if we got enough presents for the host family in Japan. Well, boy got to his concert and got picked up too. The endless shopping is done. Eldest protégé is on her fourteen hour way to Japan as I write this.

So what the point to this ramble? Sometimes, for good or ill, real life jolts you out of your cozy bubble. Don’t try and force the writing. It can wait. Don’t forget to enjoy real life.    

Have Strong Thighs, will Travel

Anna' the bottom row, third from the right, with short hair.

My seventeen-year-old daughter is going to Japan in about a month. The trip has been planned for a while. She’s going with a group of other students and one highly fluent adult, who has made the trip many times. Our city has a sister city relationship with Shiojiri that has lasted for years. In fact, Anna will be part of the fortieth anniversary celebration. They will stay with host families for four days, tour the city, visit schools, and then the group will sightsee other parts of the country, including Hiroshima, Tokyo, and Kyoto. You can see the blog here. It will be updated with pictures as the trip progresses.

Hello, where's the train?

Though she and most of the other kids have studied the language for three years, I don’t believe anyone would count themselves confident with the idea of speaking only Japanese for sixteen days. I’d be brushing up on stock phrases like ‘where’s the bathroom, please’ and ‘which way to the train station’ and I’d still end up at a laundromat.

Then there is the culture shock. Japan has quite different customs from western countries. She’s been warned not to leave shoes visible in her luggage as it is offensive to let dirty shoes touch clothes or even be inside a house. Wait staff in restaurants do not accept tips. Their job is to serve and giving them extra implies they aren’t doing their jobs. Bathhouses are segregated by the sexes but they’re still not places for the modest. You soap down with a bucket and then move to different pools, included one that gives you mild electric shocks. Since the word for 4^th means death, there are no fourth floors on buildings. Apparently they skip that number. On the plus side, there is almost no crime. Homeless people are an embarrassment and quickly whisked away out of sight. Tax is included in the price of an item.

Since they live on small islands space is valuable. There isn’t room for herds of cattle. It’s hard to find a genuine beef hamburger, and they don’t drink dairy. Cheese has one variety, a hard orange block. Chocolate is not sweet and don’t ask for a fork. Bowls of soup are meant to be slurped. No free refills on pop. In other words, you’d better really enjoy seafood.  

Ouch!

Perhaps the biggest shock is the … um … bathrooms. Toilets, sinks, and showers all have separate rooms. The toilets themselves are different. I never knew there was a distinction, but we use Western toilets. To put it gently, you need a good sense of balance and strong leg muscles which explains why their elderly are so spry. Where they do have Western style, such as hotels, they are tricked out with all kinds of buttons and gizmos such as music and bidets. Watch what you push or you might get an unexpected shower.

All of this leads to how brave my daughter is. To go overseas with a group of people she barely knows to stay with people she doesn’t know at all and who might not speak any English. Well, that takes courage and a sense of adventure. I’m so proud of her.

Where's the instruction manual?

In writing, as in life, you need that ability to conquer fear. You must have the guts to fling your babies out there for the world to criticize. The confidence to send dozens of query letters and opening pages to complete strangers in the hopes of snagging an agent. The perseverance to keep trying when all you hear is ‘no’. It’s certainly not unique to say success comes not from the absence of fear, but from the desire to overcome that fear.