Query Kombat Thoughts from a Kontestant

I was a 2016 contestant in Query Kombat (Go, Team #WriteyMcWriterFace!), and I really only entered for one reason: to improve my query. I was thrilled to get into the contest, and after getting knocked out in Round 3, I was even more thrilled with my query. It was tight, to the point, and I had gotten great feedback from people who knew what they were talking about.

But you know what surprised me? A killer query was not the best thing I got out of Query Kombat. Don’t get me wrong, a great query was an amazing benefit. But there were unexpected benefits that I had never imagined, some of which were much more important to my writing career than my query letter.

Number One: It helped me develop a thick skin. I went through three rounds, which meant I got dozens of comments about everything that was wrong with my query and first 250. Most people were encouraging and supportive, but they still told me what I was doing wrong. I needed them to tell me what I was doing wrong. As much as I wanted the feedback, I still had to steel myself up for it every day. Soon I was able to read it, understand it, and apply it. Query Kombat taught me how to embrace critique, and that is an essential part of surviving and thriving in the world of publishing.

Side note (we’ll call it Number One-A): Query Kombat also taught me how to filter critique so I knew what would work for my query and manuscript, and what wouldn’t. Spoiler alert: if you get into Query Kombat, you’re going to get conflicting feedback! Some of it will fit with your vision for your story, and some of it won’t. Sifting through all that feedback and figuring out what resonates (and what doesn’t) is a skill that needs to be practiced. The further you go in the contest, the more practice you’re going to get.

Number Two: The QK Community. If you’re not active on the #QueryKombat hashtag yet, you are missing out. Connecting with a community of writers who are at a similar stage in their careers is truly invaluable. I met some great writing friends just by being active on the hashtag. That’s something you can take advantage of whether you are chosen to be an official Kombatant or not.

This year they’ve made the community even more amazing with the addition of the Query Kombat Forums. You can give and receive feedback on your query and first page, and you can put up ads looking for critique partners and beta readers. If you haven’t taken advantage of the forums yet, you’ll find them here: http://querykombat.boards.net/

Number Three: I learned how to give critique. Every contestant is expected to critique a number of other entries in every round. That meant I analyzed almost two dozen queries and first pages, and I got to see how other people analyzed them as well. I probably learned more about writing a great query from giving critiques than I did from just reading the comments on my own.

Giving critique is another benefit you can take advantage of whether you are an official Kombatant or not. If you don’t get into the contest, don’t disappear. Read the other queries in your genre, analyze them, and analyze the comments on them. This process will help you enormously when it comes time to revise your own work.

Writing contests like Query Kombat are not just about winning a prize at the end. They’re about actively engaging in a community of writers and making each other better. The more you put into the community, the more you’ll get out of it, whether you’re an official contestant or not.

Julia Nobel is a writing coach and middle grade/young adult author. Her childhood obsession with The Babysitters Club turned into a lifelong passion for reading and writing children’s literature. She offers writing masterclasses and courses for writers in all genres, and is a 2017 Pitch Wars Mentor. Her 3-year-old daughter likes to help her write by throwing apple sauce at the keyboard and pressing the escape key. 

Website: www.julianobel.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JuliaNobelBooks/

Twitter: @nobeljulia

Query Advice: Query Critique

As you are getting ready to submit your query for Nightmare on Query Street, I thought it might be helpful to do a few critiques to give the point of view of one of the hosts.

I'm not an agent, but I've read an awful lot of queries. I'd guess I've seen thousands in the three years I've been hosting contests. After that amount of time, you get a good feel of what stands out from the crowd. Still, this is one person's opinion.

A few writers have volunteered to offer up their queries for me to point out a few things. So here is the query without comments, so you can form your own opinion:

Qemassen's high-priest, Samelqo, is convinced the path to salvation is paved with the bodies of dead children. When he threatens to burn Prince Aurelius in offering, the prince's companion, Dashel, knows he must be stopped. Aurelius is more than Dashel's reponsibility; he's his closest friend. But though Aurelius is saved through Dashel's political maneuvering, the choice means death for the prince's newborn sister.

            When Samelqo's sacrifice fails to exorcise the spectre of war, Qemassen's court begins to question whether the right child died that night, and Dashel is once again caught in a web of political intrigue that threatens to tear both Qemassen and the royal family apart. Dashel would die a thousand times for his prince, but theirs aren't the only lives at stake, and the unlikely alliances that could save them cast Dashel in the role of traitor, pitting him against the family he's sworn to protect.

            Complete at 119, 000 words, THE COINS OF MAMMON is an epic fantasy told from multiple perspectives, and with series potential. It draws on my own experiences as a member of the LBGT community, as well as my academic background in Semitic demonology and North African history. 


And with my comments:

(No tabs in a query letter.)     Qemassen's hHigh-priest, Samelqo (That’s two names. I doubt you need the place name.), is convinced the path to salvation (for who? Just him or everyone?)  is paved with the bodies of dead children. When he threatens(threatens seems weak. He may do it. But maybe not.)  decides to burn Prince Aurelius the young prince in as an offering, the prince's companion (protector?) , Dashel, knows (Again a weak and dull verb.) he must be stopped vows to stop it. Aurelius The prince is more than Dashel's reponsibility; he's his closest friend. But though Aurelius is saved through Dashel's political maneuvering is successful, the choice means death for the prince's newborn sister. (Problem here. I’m not seeing an obstacle yet.)

            When Samelqo's  her sacrifice fails to exorcise the spectre of war (I thought it was for their salvation, like their souls type of salvation.) , Qemassen's the court begins to (There is no begins or starts, there is only do, padawan.) questions whether the right child died that night, and Dashel is once again caught in a web of political intrigue that threatens to tearing both Qemassen the country and the royal family apart. (I’ve yet to see a reason why I care. There’s not enough to make me care for Dashel yet. Not enough about him and what motivates him. He likes his friend a lot. Is it about honor? Does he have no other family? Give us something about Dashel’s personality. Also what bad thing will befall everyone if the country and family are destroyed/wounded?) Dashel would die a thousand times for his prince (why? Are they in romantic love?) , but theirs aren't the only lives at stake. and the unlikely alliances (vague. What sort of alliances? With the rival country? With a prostitute? With another priest?) that could save them cast Dashel in the role of traitor, pitting him against the family he's sworn to protect. (Dashel’s only choice may be a traitorous alliance with a prostitute and one of the priests killing the children, pitting him against the very family he’s sworn to protect.)

Complete at 119, 000 words, Set in an African-type world, THE COINS OF MAMMON is an 119,000 word epic fantasy told from multiple perspectives, and with series potential. It draws on my own experiences as a member of the LBGT community, as well as my academic background in Semitic demonology and North African history. (Is it set in an African-like world? You should get that up front! In the first paragraph can you add some world building that makes it more apparent. Agents are looking for non-European epic fantasy.)

This query isn't quite there yet, though it's got a solid base. It suffers from weak verbs and some extra wordage. Also it lacks a reason for me to care what happens. I would suggest attacking that problem in two ways: make us care more about Dashel and tell us what bad thing will happen if he fails.

On the plus side, this appears that it might have diversity going for it. An African-inspired epic fantasy would be sweet. Try to bring out some details that would make this obvious in the section about the story. That's your unique component and you should rely on it to a point. If their relationship is LGBT, make that apparent, too.

Also you fail to capitalize on the guilt Dashel must be feeling for getting the baby sister killed. Does that set the family against him?

In every query it's important that you highlight the unique qualities of your story. What makes the plot different? 

I hope this helps.

  

July 2015 Critique Blog Hop

This blog hop is for anyone wanting feedback on their query letter and first 250 words. Simply post your information on your blog along with genre and word count. Then add your link to the list.

Please critique the five entries above and the five entries below you. The list will act like a loop for people at the beginning or end of the list to feedback each other.

Please be honest and give to get. Don't leave your fellow writers hanging. 

Holiday Query Hop Critique 15

The Holiday Query Hop special guests end with Rachel Pudelek! Thanks to all the special guests who took part and to everyone who joined the hop and added their query. I hope this little slice of fun was helpful for everyone involved!

Please keep an eye on my blog for further details about Sun versus Snow (a query contest) coming January 26th! We have a whole slew of agents (14) waiting to get their hands on your entry!

Keep in mind that feedback is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The Holiday Query hop is closed. Please make sure you get your 10 critiques done.  

The random number generator picks 27!

True Horizon is a WIP, Contemporary Romance, at approximately 73,000 words.

Dear Fabulous Agent,

After a decade of fighting, Special Forces soldier, Heath Carter, is living with war’s tragic consequences.  (Struggling with doesn’t show why he leaves.) Trying to outrun his anger and guilt, he embarks on a journey across Texas, adrift and alone. When he jumps into a river to rescue a drowning woman, his fortunes start to change. (I wouldn’t say his fortunes change because a couple sentences ago it was his pain and guilt that put him adrift, not his fate. He needs a reason here to change his mind. First, he wanted to be adrift, and then he saves a woman and wants to stay put for a while. Show us why he’s forced into this decision. Has he run out of money? When he jumped in the river did he lose his wallet? Did saving her erase some of his guilt from killing?) Offered a temporary job on a cattle ranch by her grateful father, he slowly begins to open up to Grace, the woman whom he saved.

Grace Murray, former ugly duckling…now turned swan, has moved back home to her family’s ranch in order to prepare for her wedding. When she accidentally performs a head dive into a river, a strange drifter, covered in tattoos and a scruffy beard, saves her life. Now they’re both living on the ranch and she can’t help but be drawn to the troubled Heath Carter. As days go by, Grace begins to question her choices and starts to crave the freedom she had growing up on the ranch. Only her fiancé won’t hear of it. He wants her to move back with him to Dallas, just like they’d planned.

Grace’s time spent at the quiet country ranch and Heath’s steady companionship leave her ready to trade one dream for another. Only Heath’s past is standing in the way. He sees himself as tainted by the tragic mistakes he made in Afghanistan, not worthy of Grace’s love. Now, Grace needs to decide if she can share  Heath’s  burden, or are the realities of life with PTSD too much for their new relationship to overcome.  I’d add the PTSD in earlier, it’s somewhat of the hook, what makes this love story unique. Also, I see Grace’s stakes, but not Heath’s. She has a potential marriage on the line and a man with PTSD. What does Heath have on the line? What will he gain and loose by deciding to be with Grace?

True Horizon is written as a standalone novel, but also has series potential. I believe it would appeal to fans of Nicholas Sparks’ The Lucky One and Karen Rock’s Someone Like You. Thank-you for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon.

Kind Regards,

I thought this was an interesting concept and a well-written query. Make sure to keep your main plot threads evident throughout the whole query. Agents read these things very quickly and you want them to easily see what makes yours special and that your plot flows, and works, and makes sense. Thanks for letting me have a look!

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Rachel is a dog-hugger and a tree-lover. She writes female-fierce YA and MG fiction, represented by Christa Heschke of McIntosh & Otis Literary Agency. When she's not writing or reading, she's hiking through Washington's lush forests with her dogs or researching centuries-old goddess myths and folklore. She's a member of SCBWI. She lives north of Seattle with her husband, two daughters, two dogs, and a hamster. You can find her on Twitter, on Facebook and on her blog!

Holiday Query Hop Critique 14

The creator of #SFFpit is here with a critique today. Thanks to Dan Koboldt for helping out during the busy holiday season! 

Keep in mind that feedback is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The Holiday Query hop is closed. Please make sure you get your 10 critiques done.  

The random number generator picks 47!

Dear Awesome Agent,

Melissa Cihlar is afraid. [I found this too general and without enough detail to grab me as an opening line.] Not of the regular thirteen-year-old girl fears, like moving in her with mom and new stepdad, starting a new school, or making friends. [These are everyday things. I don’t think you need them here; all it does is make this an everyday story.] She has more important things to worry about–like pretending she’s normal by concealing her glowing birthmarks, claiming she didn’t cause the exploding scoreboard, and fighting against her memory blackouts. [OK, now I’m excited: Thirteen-year-old girl with glowing birthmarks, possibly telekinetic powers, and strange memory blackouts. This is unique and compelling enough that I think it should be your query’s opening.]

Isolated at school, misunderstood by her parents [starting to feel cliche], and plagued by hallucinations and nightmares [This is interesting but I want specifics. What do they show? Are they worsening?], Meli begs her beloved grandmother to let her move back. When her grandmother mysteriously vanishes–just as her sister did years ago–she’s left on her own to figure out why she can push objects around without touching them. [OK, so there’s a lot going on here and I’m confused. Due to the vague pronoun, I don’t know if it’s your MC’s sister or her grandmother’s sister who’s disappeared. I’m not certain it’s relevant that she wants to move back with grandma.  also feel like you’re hitting us over the head with the telekinetic powers, now. I liked the hint in the last paragraph better]

After doctors diagnose her as bipolar, and maybe schizophrenic, a new student, Rachel, arrives and reveals Meli isn’t alone. [The diagnosis and the new friend are presented like they’re cause-and-effect events, though I suspect they’re not. Also, I’m worried about the number of characters mentioned in the query]. Hiding in plain sight are the Salani, an ancient race gifted with paranormal abilities. Meli’s nightmares are actually memories from her past of the war that wiped out their people. [Love this detail!] When Rachel divulges that Meli is the key to ending the persisting civil war, she must choose a side. [So, is Meli one of the Salani? Or just the key to saving them?] 

To save others, Meli will do whatever she can to control her power–even if it means joining the enemy. [I like that you show us your character’s dilemma here, though the presentation is a bit busy. Does she care more about controlling her powers, or saving people? And who would she save? If I ignore “To save others” and just read the rest, I simply love this sentence and think it’s a great end-hook]

THE SECRET INSIDE is a young adult urban fantasy that will appeal to fans of A Beautiful Dark, Beautiful Creatures, and Evermore. It is completed with 72,000 words [I would just put the word count in parentheses after the title and delete this sentence].

I have included below the first ten pages. [Obviously you’ll follow each agent’s specific guidelines]. Should you be interested in more pages, I would be happy to send you more upon your request. [This is assumed; you can probably cut it.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

---------------------------------------------

I write novels in the fantasy & science fiction genres of speculative fiction. My agent and I are currently seeking publication for THE ROGUE RETRIEVAL, an adult science fiction novel about a Vegas stage magician who takes high-tech illusions of magic into a medieval world that has the real thing.

I’m lucky to be a Codexian and a Pitch Wars mentor. I’m also the host of #SFFpit, a twice-yearly Twitter pitching party for authors of sci-fi/fantasy who are seeking representation or publication.

Holiday Query Hop Critique 13

I'm glad to have Laura Heffernan help out today. Laura was my first Query Kombat pick to get an agent this year and it seems right to have her back at the end of the year.

Keep in mind that feedback is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The Holiday Query hop is closed. Please make sure you get your 10 critiques done.  

The random number generator picks 24!

Dear Agent Awesome,

[First, a note: Yay! I love Beauty and the Beast re-tellings!] Sixteen-year-old George Sumerlin has never seen the world outside of the plantation, but he can peek peeks at it through the slits in the fence. Mama says the islanders would not wouldn't understand his bat wings, bull horns, cat’s eyes, or lizard’s tail—the manifestations of a curse laid on his great-great-great grandfather for swindling land away from the island’s locals. They would kill him. [I feel like this last sentence doesn't work for me, considering how strong the line before it is. It's completely subjective, but I'd cut that line. The first paragraph of a query is usually for your hook, and I think the hook is stronger with just the first two sentences.]

Yet even as Mama keeps George locked away from the world, she can’t protect him from himself. [I'm confused, because nothing you mention after this suggests that George is a danger to himself. The danger appears to be Grace sneaking onto the plantation. I would cut this sentence, because it doesn't seem to add anything, and it's confusing.] One day, a hoodoo priestess in-training, Grace, sneaks onto the plantation. She hopes to kill the beast she thinks is attacking her village, but instead of a beast, she finds a scared teenager. George promises to help Grace track down the real monster—something she calls a Boo Hag, a skin-changer, who haunts the marshes—if she helps him escape the plantation. [Why does he need help to escape? It sounds like the only thing keeping him on the plantation is the fear his mother instilled in him - does Grace have to help him overcome his fears and face the outside world? A few details might help grab the agent's interest in reading more about your world. The meat of your query is only 213 words even before the sentences I suggested deleting, so there's some room to add more details about the monster and the conflict.]

When George flies the coop, he learns Mama isn’t wrong about the world; it’s dangerous for a creature like him. [Why? How? What happens?] The longer he lingers, the more his fledgling feelings for Grace magnify his shame over his monstrosities. [What does this have to do with a dangerous world?] But she knows something about the Boo Hag that not only will unlock the mysteries of the Sumerlin Curse… it may even present a way to break it. [I'm torn here, because I really like this sentence, but I want more concrete stakes. What happens if the curse isn't broken? Will the townspeople kill him? Will he just go back to his old life? And if so, what's so bad about that (other than it being lonely)? Giving the reader an idea of what George has to lose can help make an agent desperate to move on to the pages.]

Complete at x, [Take out the comma] words [Add comma] THE SUMERLIN CURSE is a YA Southern Gothic steeped in the Gullah/ Geechee folklore of the Georgia Sea Islands. Beauty and the Beast meets The Brother’s Grimm [No apostrophe] told from the viewpoint of the monster as a teenage boy. It should appeal to readers of Half Bad and Beware the Wild. [I see some mixed fonts in this paragraph, but that might be from the PC to Mac conversion. I'm throwing it out there in case it's in the original.]

Happy Holidays,Thank you for your time and consideration. [Always end with this. It's a business letter.]

I hope you find these comments helpful. Good luck!

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Laura writes women’s fiction, represented by Jen Karsbaek at Foreword Literary. She wrote her first "short story" when she was five years old, detailing a family's Saturday morning on their Commodore 64 (it may have somewhat auto-biographical). She’s been writing ever since. In her spare time, she loves playing board games, baking, and binge watching anything by Joss Whedon. She also really likes parenthetical phrases (but not in fiction) and the Oxford comma.

Follow her on Twitter: @LH_Writes 

Holiday Query Hop Critique 12

The last week of 2014 starts out with help from Tracy Townsend! Tracy Townsend took a roundabout way to getting her agent but the original request came from one of my contests! 

Keep in mind that feedback is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The Holiday Query hop is closed. Please make sure you get your 10 critiques done.  

The random number generator picks 48!

Dear {Agent},

{personalization as to why querying agent, if applicable}

[I’m glad you note “if applicable” here… In my experience, personalization only seemed to pay off when it was very specific and important (“You favorited my pitch in #adpit” or “I saw your #MSWL tweet about wanting to represent a zombie gnome plague memoir and thought you might be interested in this project.”) Recently, Her Sharkness Janet Reid weighed in on the issue, too.  Bottom line, I think in most cases, personalization is best left undone.)

Viking lord Skrizgaard's got it made in the shade: loads of quests, big bad boss battles, and plenty of pillage to plunder. [While “pillage” can be used as a noun (“the raider horded up his pillage”), it’s more commonly recognized as a verb – ie., “to pillage.”  Given that, I stumbled a bit on this phrase and found myself trying to reframe it as “plenty of pillaging to pursue” in order to keep your alliterative bounce.  Think that one over – you have a kind of playful tone here that’s fun and interesting, but any nonstandard language use could slow down the agent reading your query, and not necessarily in a good way.] The noble warrior's been the world's greatest hero for over 1,000 years and he plans to keep it that way until forever finally ends. [I struggled with this idea of forever ending: it could be a specific usage that references something about the nature of your world and its rules.  Mostly, though, it flies in the face of “he plans to keep it that way.”  If he’s going to keep it that way, that’s his motivation, and we don’t want to qualify it, thereby muddying the waters of Skrizgaard’s M.O. and persona.] A fetch quest to nab a cursed flute for the queen of the Eternal City is easy-peasy for a champion like Skrizgaard. Until the flute strips away his immortality and makes evil, people-dissolving spirits pour into the world. [This is a sentence fragment – you can use them artfully in a query, but in my opinion, they read as artful and intentional when they are short.  This might be long enough to come off seeming like a grammar fluke rather than rhetorical strategy.] After that, the last thing he needs is some pre-teen following him around saying she needs his protection.  [We need something that transitions into the arrival of this other character in Skrizgaard’s life – something that clearly shows we’re in a bad-to-worse situation for him.  Opening the sentence with “after that” didn’t quite achieve that for me.]

To twelve-year-old Medolie Perker, better known as Meddy, [Limit the names you provide.  In this case, I’d call her Meddy Perker and worry about introducing her proper name in your actual pages, where you have room to set that up.] the great and noble Skrizgaard is like a knight in shining armor [But, umm.. he’s a pillaging Viking, right?  So, is the point that Meddy is totally mistaken about him or are we getting conflicting images of your main character?]. She just knows he'll make a great bodyguard. Until her Glitch powers activate, that is. Then bending space’ll be child’s play and she'll be the most powerful being in the world. Till then she might as well be a regular kid, a sitting duck for the cyborgs from the Land of the Technomancers to kidnap and use in their dastardly devices. [I’ve read this paragraph several times – which is probably more than most agents would do – and I’m afraid I get lost in the weeds somewhere in this section.  Is Meddy supposed to have powers?  And what are Glitch powers?  She seems to be anticipating their arrival, but until then, she needs a bodyguard?  Why is she someone these Technomancers want to kidnap and use?  I’m assuming it’s because of these Glitch powers, but without knowing what they are or why they would be both valuable and dangerous, I’m more confused than intrigued.] .  And her powers show no sign of kicking in anytime soon. But as the world fills up with evil spirits and more and more people get dissolved, those cyborgs might be the least of Meddy's problems.

Now with a devil on his trail [Are you being literal or metaphorical?  In this kind of a story concept, could be either or even both.  This only adds to my feeling of uncertainty about the stakes all around.] and zero health potions left, Skrizgaard's got his hands full enough trying to complete his quest [That snatch-quest, right?  Agents reading fast and furious probably have a brief brain buffer. Don’t strain it. Try to clarify by reminding us he’s got his hands full of everything but the flute he’s meant to grab.] without having to look after Meddy. Luckily, the queen of the Eternal City knows a cure that'll let him reverse the flute's curse [Ahh, here’s the flute – can we bump up mentioning it to the sentence before to eliminate the confusion buffer?] and send the evil spirits back to the otherspace. But he'll need an all-powerful Glitch to pull it off. [Okay: bring it home now.  Remind us here that all of a sudden, Meddy might be just the baggage he needs.  Make the pieces come together clearly.]

At 51,000 words, THE GREAT AND NOBLE SKRIZGAARD is a stand-alone middle grade fantasy adventure with video game elements. [I like the idea of this, but I’m not sure what it means.  As in, the characters are actually in a video game, and you’re going for something super-meta, or this fantasy world is based off tropes drawn from video games, or something else?  Would a slightly different description be clearer and livelier? A middle grade READY PLAYER ONE?  A middle grade fantasy with the spirit of Golden Axe and the sparkle of League of Legends?  Can you make this pop?] It is available in part or in full upon request. [That’s why you’re querying. You don’t have to say this; it’s assumed.]

I have a degree in Film from Wayne State University with a special interest in screenwriting. [I know this detail helps link a Film degree with writing, but what does “special interest” mean?  That you’ve written screenplays?  That you’ve had some of your work produced?  If you can’t get concrete about what your interest means, it probably won’t help you more than my special interest in ice cream helps my body fat percentage.]

Thank you for your time and consideration! [Random personal bias here:  I hate exclamation points.  They strike me as chirpy.  I’d rather be not muddy this good social grace with whatever the reader will or won’t read into punctuation.]


Sincerely,

The strengths of this query – at least in the first paragraph – are its voice and the way it leans hard into the language and imagery of quest-oriented MMORPG video games.  I couldn’t quite tell if we’re meant to accept this as a fully developed secondary world fantasy, as in “there is no real world, only Skrizgaard’s world,” or if this is some kind of meta-text, where the reader is analogous to a player of the game in which Meddy and Skrizgaard are characters, a kind of portal-fantasy variant.  I’m still puzzled about that, actually.

Sf/f queries face a real uphill climb in terms of making unreal worlds feel real, alive, and full of meaningful stakes that don’t devolve into predictable plots. I can empathize with the struggle to make this very brief document clear and yet representative of your text.  Because I feel I don’t quite understand the nature of the project, I’ll leave it at that and hope you can brainstorm a slightly different approach.

I like that both your characters have stakes (Skrizgaard has lost some measure of his power to a curse, and he can’t complete his quest, and the world is going to hell in a hand-basket because of how that curse was released; Meddy will be powerful one day – presumably – but she isn’t yet and has to stay alive long enough to protect herself from being hunted down.).  What I don’t get is the threat that faces Meddy in the first place, before folks start dissolving. 

If you can help your reader grapple with what this world is and help them appreciate Meddy’s initial situation, you’ll have a much stronger query.  Good luck in the trenches!  (She said, using an exclamation point.)

Best,

Tracy

--------------------------------

Tracy Townsend lives in Bolingbrook, Illinois and teaches English at the Illinois Mathematics and Science Academy.  She has studied at DePauw University, the National University of Ireland (Galway), and DePaul University, where she obtained degrees in English, Creative Writing, and Rhetoric.  She is a member of the Science Fiction Research Association and other academic organizations, which allows her to write very long things and read them aloud to people who are obliged to behave politely.  Her sf/f writing draws on her experience as a lapsed Catholic, an assistant martial arts instructor, a comic book fangirl (Make Mine Marvel!), a tabletop role-player, and an obsessive hound for obscure mythologies.  Inexplicably, other uses for that resume have yet to present themselves.  She is represented by the strikingly elegant and classy Bridget Smith of Dunham Lit. 

Tracy devotes time she doesn’t have to cooking, gardening, writing, and seriously pondering the treadmill in her basement.  She is married to her high school sweetheart, with whom she shares two remarkable children.  They are – naturally – named after characters from books.

You can find Tracy on Twitter (@TheStorymatic) more often than she really ought to be.

https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/26540446-tracy-townsend

Holiday Query Hop Critique 11

The query critiques continue to finish out the old year. Today's special guest is Christina Ketchem! Christina is my go-to source for all things regarding college applications! She also was a success story from one of my contests.

Keep in mind that feedback is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The Holiday Query hop is closed. Please make sure you get your 10 critiques done.  

The random number generator picks 46!

Dear Agent,

On Daniella Montgomery’s twenty-fifth birthday, she winds up in jail. And not just because she mistook an officer for a hired stripper.

This is a good hook and definitely grabs my attention.  BUT I think it could be phrased in a snappier way.  That said, the second paragraph is like a rewind, so I’m not sure if you even need this hook at all.

When Daniella learns her best friend sent over a stripper to help spice up what should’ve been a relaxing, stress-free birthday, she freaks. Here’s where the query should begin.  You could probably tweak the original beginning with this sentence.  Also, why did she freak?  In a desperate attempt to keep this event a secret from her next door neighbor –the sophisticated, uptight boss at her law firm–Daniella drags the wrong man inside.  She was afraid of what her boss would think of her having a stripper?  Most strippers perform inside, right?  I’m not sure how the boss would find out.  This just doesn’t make sense to me.  I’d clarify.  Or, don’t mention the boss at all.  He’s not relevant to the rest of the query, as it currently reads.

Despite the circumstances, the attraction is obvious before her forward actions land her in handcuffs by Atlanta PD’s Detective Malcolm Jones for inappropriate behavior. But her special day isn’t done with its surprises as evidence points Daniella as the main suspect in a serial homicide. Major leap between topics here – I feel like I’ve missed something here.  How did we go from inappropriate behavior to homicide? 

Detective Jones is caught between his duty and desire for the mesmerizing woman who may be more trouble than she looks. Though he tries to deny it –set on putting the law before all else –he ultimately finds himself breaking all the rules to save the woman he’s fallen for.  Another big jump, and this one almost feels spoilery.  We go from desire to fallen for in 2 sentences.  I’d slow that down a little.  I do really like his stakes though – it’s very clear that he’s choosing between duty and himself.

Determined to fight for their future after being scorned by the law they both service,  serve, the two searches for the true killer before Daniella is sentenced to a lifetime of birthdays in jail.  I love this last phrase.  It really brings the whole query full circle. 

BIRTHDAY DISASTER is an adult romantic suspense novel complete at 56,000 words. It is told in a dual third person point of view.  This is where you might put a comp title or two, but be very selective and don’t choose super-famous titles just to name drop.  Make sure they really match the tone of your book in some way. 

Also, here you might add a short paragraph with any credentials you might have – organizations you’re a member of, awards won, relevant degrees earned, etc.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Just wanted to add that I think this sounds like a fun, sexy page-turner.  I would totally read it.  It would be even stronger if we got more of Daniella’s voice, though.  Changing up the word choice here and there can help with that.  Good luck to you – can’t wait to see this in print!

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CZ Ketchem writes young adult contemporary fiction when she’s not writing college recommendation letters during her day job as a high school counselor.  She loves the little moments in life that help someone discover who they’re meant to become – whether it’s her students or her characters.   

CZ holds a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology and a Master of Education degree in Counseling.  She is a voracious reader, loves to travel, and hopes to one day be bicoastal – the east coast of the US and the east coast of Scotland.  She lives just outside Washington DC with her husband and the world’s most rambunctious four-year-old. She's represented by Kevan Lyon. Find her out on twitter at @czketchem or on her website.