Query Advice: Query Critique

As you are getting ready to submit your query for Nightmare on Query Street, I thought it might be helpful to do a few critiques to give the point of view of one of the hosts.

I'm not an agent, but I've read an awful lot of queries. I'd guess I've seen thousands in the three years I've been hosting contests. After that amount of time, you get a good feel of what stands out from the crowd. Still, this is one person's opinion.

A few writers have volunteered to offer up their queries for me to point out a few things. So here is the query without comments, so you can form your own opinion:

Qemassen's high-priest, Samelqo, is convinced the path to salvation is paved with the bodies of dead children. When he threatens to burn Prince Aurelius in offering, the prince's companion, Dashel, knows he must be stopped. Aurelius is more than Dashel's reponsibility; he's his closest friend. But though Aurelius is saved through Dashel's political maneuvering, the choice means death for the prince's newborn sister.

            When Samelqo's sacrifice fails to exorcise the spectre of war, Qemassen's court begins to question whether the right child died that night, and Dashel is once again caught in a web of political intrigue that threatens to tear both Qemassen and the royal family apart. Dashel would die a thousand times for his prince, but theirs aren't the only lives at stake, and the unlikely alliances that could save them cast Dashel in the role of traitor, pitting him against the family he's sworn to protect.

            Complete at 119, 000 words, THE COINS OF MAMMON is an epic fantasy told from multiple perspectives, and with series potential. It draws on my own experiences as a member of the LBGT community, as well as my academic background in Semitic demonology and North African history. 


And with my comments:

(No tabs in a query letter.)     Qemassen's hHigh-priest, Samelqo (That’s two names. I doubt you need the place name.), is convinced the path to salvation (for who? Just him or everyone?)  is paved with the bodies of dead children. When he threatens(threatens seems weak. He may do it. But maybe not.)  decides to burn Prince Aurelius the young prince in as an offering, the prince's companion (protector?) , Dashel, knows (Again a weak and dull verb.) he must be stopped vows to stop it. Aurelius The prince is more than Dashel's reponsibility; he's his closest friend. But though Aurelius is saved through Dashel's political maneuvering is successful, the choice means death for the prince's newborn sister. (Problem here. I’m not seeing an obstacle yet.)

            When Samelqo's  her sacrifice fails to exorcise the spectre of war (I thought it was for their salvation, like their souls type of salvation.) , Qemassen's the court begins to (There is no begins or starts, there is only do, padawan.) questions whether the right child died that night, and Dashel is once again caught in a web of political intrigue that threatens to tearing both Qemassen the country and the royal family apart. (I’ve yet to see a reason why I care. There’s not enough to make me care for Dashel yet. Not enough about him and what motivates him. He likes his friend a lot. Is it about honor? Does he have no other family? Give us something about Dashel’s personality. Also what bad thing will befall everyone if the country and family are destroyed/wounded?) Dashel would die a thousand times for his prince (why? Are they in romantic love?) , but theirs aren't the only lives at stake. and the unlikely alliances (vague. What sort of alliances? With the rival country? With a prostitute? With another priest?) that could save them cast Dashel in the role of traitor, pitting him against the family he's sworn to protect. (Dashel’s only choice may be a traitorous alliance with a prostitute and one of the priests killing the children, pitting him against the very family he’s sworn to protect.)

Complete at 119, 000 words, Set in an African-type world, THE COINS OF MAMMON is an 119,000 word epic fantasy told from multiple perspectives, and with series potential. It draws on my own experiences as a member of the LBGT community, as well as my academic background in Semitic demonology and North African history. (Is it set in an African-like world? You should get that up front! In the first paragraph can you add some world building that makes it more apparent. Agents are looking for non-European epic fantasy.)

This query isn't quite there yet, though it's got a solid base. It suffers from weak verbs and some extra wordage. Also it lacks a reason for me to care what happens. I would suggest attacking that problem in two ways: make us care more about Dashel and tell us what bad thing will happen if he fails.

On the plus side, this appears that it might have diversity going for it. An African-inspired epic fantasy would be sweet. Try to bring out some details that would make this obvious in the section about the story. That's your unique component and you should rely on it to a point. If their relationship is LGBT, make that apparent, too.

Also you fail to capitalize on the guilt Dashel must be feeling for getting the baby sister killed. Does that set the family against him?

In every query it's important that you highlight the unique qualities of your story. What makes the plot different? 

I hope this helps.