Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 8

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

I'm finishing up the critique marathon with two more as the mentor blog hop starts on Wednesday!  

The query without my notes:

Dear [Agent]:

Seventeen-year-old Ilycia Robert is no stranger to losses from the centuries-old curse which put the Princess Rose to sleep, crippled her village by drought, and imprisoned the kingdom within a wall of thorns. Her brother led the excursion to break the curse four years earlier and never returned. Ilycia has a family to feed and can't be bothered to wait for a suitor to save her.

With help from her best friend Val, she earns money by masquerading around the kingdom as the knife-throwing La Marque. But after her win at an illicit tournament goes awry and Ilycia and Val are caught by armed forces, Val is forced to lead the next excursion.

Now Val's on his way to certain death. Ilycia falls apart until Val's brother Emeric devises a plan to help Val through the magic-ravaged kingdom. Too bad Emeric is the boy who once charmed his way under Ilycia's skirts and dumped her shortly thereafter. What's worse, Emeric's plan requires both Ilycia and his new fiancée.

Vowing to save Val no matter her personal cost, Ilycia joins the excursion. All they have to do is survive through the magic lands until they reach the castle so Val can bestow a kiss on the princess. But in waking her, the friends find what they think they know about the curse may not be the truth.

REIGN OF THORNS is an 89,000-word young adult fantasy with series potential. A retelling of Sleeping Beauty, it will appeal to fans of Sarah J. Maas.  

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

And with my crazy notes:

Dear [Agent]:

Seventeen-year-old Ilycia Robert is no stranger to losses (I was going to say what losses, but you follow up with them. Good.) from the centuries-old curse which put the Princess Rose to sleep, (You might end the sentence here just because it's getting long.) crippled her village by(with?) drought, and imprisoned the kingdom within a wall of thorns. Her (A little unclear whose brother this is. It could be Princess Rose's.) brother led the excursion to break the curse four years earlier and never returned. Ilycia has a family to feed and can't be bothered to wait for a suitor to save her. (I like the personality at the end of this.)

With help from her best friend Val, she earns money by masquerading around the kingdom as the knife-throwing La Marque. (I'm unsure doing what. How does this earn money? Explaining will go a long way to taking away my confusion with the rest of this paragraph.) But after her win at an illicit tournament goes awry and Ilycia and Val are caught by armed forces (So? Is it illegal for women to enter?), Val is forced to lead the next excursion. (But Val was caught too. I assume Val is a woman, short for Valerie. What sort of excursion? I thought they were at a tournament. Those aren't the same? All sorts of confusion here.)

Now Val's on his (Oh, Val is a man.) way to certain death. Ilycia falls apart until Val's brother Emeric devises a plan to help Val through the magic-ravaged kingdom (Oh, you mean an excursion to break the curse. That's the punishment?). Too bad Emeric is the boy who once charmed his way under Ilycia's skirts and dumped her shortly thereafter (I think maybe you should put this part about being dumped into the first paragraph. That way Emeric doesn't appear to come out of nowhere near the end of the query.) What's worse, Emeric's plan requires both Ilycia and his new fiancée. (I'm not sure we need to know this last part. There are plenty of characters already. You don't want character soup. Limit the number to three or four in a query.)

Vowing to save Val no matter her personal cost, Ilycia joins the excursion. All they have to do is survive through the magic lands until they reach the castle so Val can bestow a kiss on the princess. But in waking her, the friends find what they think they know about the curse may not be the truth. (Clunky wording. I'm not sure I can do better. the friends find the curse may not be what everyone expects. Or the curse is more complicated than everyone thought. Or the friends find the curse has an unexpected twist.

 Again you end the query without a choice the mc must face or without what bad thing will happen if she fails. I think you need some sort of choice and stakes here.

I suggest two avenues. You can scale back on outlining the story and make the choice be about whether Ilycia will go on the excursion. Or you can shorten other parts in the query a little and put in the choice Ilycia must make here when the curse is discovered.

I'm torn on which would be better. Maybe try both. On one hand the twist in the curse is your escalation of the plot and the unique part about the story. A very good thing to have. On the other hand, revealing they make it to the princess is somewhat of a let down. You'd have to get to that information sooner(middle paragraph). Maybe take out the whole subplot about knife throwing and just say her best friend Val is forced on the next excursion. No need to explain why. That would save a lot of confusion about that part of the query and get you to the twist in the curse sooner.)

REIGN OF THORNS is an 89,000-word (solid word count number) young adult fantasy with series potential. A retelling of Sleeping Beauty, it will appeal to fans of Sarah J. Maas.  

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Lots of notes here because there is much to discuss.

I think you have a section to this query that just causes a lot of confusion (2nd paragraph and parts of the 3rd). Easier to cut it out and skip over it. A query doesn't have to tell the whole plot. Only the important parts. The important part is her best friend has to go on the next excursion after she lost her brother that way. Of course she'll want to save him. You don't have to detail why.

Then the escalation of your obstacle is almost buried at the end (the curse). And it's also the unique part of your plot. Cutting the second paragraph will give you more room to talk about the twists of the story and let you add some stakes and choices the mc must make.

Don't be afraid to try out a query where you reveal the twist to the curse. It's not that part you want to hide from an agent. It's THE CHOICE the mc makes about solving that obstacle that you want to keep secret. Does she go one way or another at the end. That's the outcome you hide or don't include in the query, along with how it all turns out. 

The real curse is the juicy bit that could make an agent sit up and take notice.

Good luck!     

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 7

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

I'm finishing up the critique marathon with two more as the mentor blog hop starts on Wednesday!  

The query without my notes:

SKALDSDOTTIR'S SAGA follows the story of two exiled viking lovers, Wytha and Lae, as they traverse a haunted forest searching for a bounty that will convince their leader to pardon them. The novel combines the fast pace of Bernard Cornwell's The Last Kingdom series with the dark, quirky humour, and uncanny mystery of Twin Peaks. Complete at 123 000 words, Skaldsdottir's Saga is set in a world based on pre-Christian Scandinavia, and is told from three perspectives. [INSERT PERSONALIZATION]

The road home is paved with poor decisions.

Wytha Childkiller's first was committing the crime that got her exiled, but she'll be damned if she'll share the details of what she did with anyone, even her lover, Laeaflaetha. Now stripped of ship, titles, wealth, and homeland, Wytha, Lae, and the motley band of misfits who follow them, must find a gift worthy of their chieftan's forgiveness, or be landlocked forever.

The search for a gift leads Wytha and Lae into the heart of a dense wood, where the stories Wytha learned at her uncle's knee are no mere legends. After capturing a princely hostage the group travels homeward, but along the way Wytha's band is attacked by spectral barrow-wights called draugr. Black as night's own shadow, long-limbed and faceless, the draugr can separate skin from bone with a touch, and send one of Wytha's men into a slumber from which he cannot wake.

Seeking someone with the knowledge to cure their friend, Wytha and the others enlist the help of a mad widow who claims to know a path through the woods, but as danger continues to dog them in the form of the draugr, Wytha questions whether one of her own people may be summoning the spirits.

I wrote this novel after my research into the Viking world showed evidence of diverse populations nowhere near as homogeneous as may be expected. As a trans author, I am always in search of stories that feature incidental rather than forced diversity, and SKALDSDOTTIR’S SAGA was written in the spirit of illuminating and reclaiming queer history.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

And with my crazy notes:

SKALDSDOTTIR'S SAGA follows the story of two exiled viking lovers, Wytha and Lae, as they traverse a haunted forest searching for a bounty that will convince their leader to pardon them. (Again totally subjective, but I'm not a fan of telling about the story in the genre/word count paragraph. It just doesn't feel like the place for it. I would certainly skim it in a contest. You can get in that this is a Viking story in one of the sentences below. Everything else is covered in your other paragraphs.)The novel combines the fast pace of Bernard Cornwell's The Last Kingdom series with the dark, quirky humour, and uncanny mystery of Twin Peaks. Complete at 123,000 (Right at the top of the word count for adult fantasy. Which brings me to another problem: where's the genre?) words, Skaldsdottir's Saga(Capitalize and italic every time you use your title.) is set in a world based on pre-Christian Scandinavia, and is told from three perspectives(Good to know.) . [INSERT PERSONALIZATION]

The road home is paved with poor decisions. (Interesting.)

Wytha Childkiller's first was committing the crime that got her exiled, but she'll be damned (good character personality) if she'll share the details of what she did with anyone, even her lover, Laeaflaetha. Now stripped of ship, titles, wealth, and homeland, Wytha, Lae, and the motley band of misfits who follow them, must find a gift worthy of their chieftan's forgiveness, or be landlocked forever. (I'm intrigued. We've got a unique obstacle and motivation. The setting is different than the usual story.)

The search for a gift leads Wytha and Lae into the heart of a dense wood, where the stories (I would give a taste of what kind of stories. Horror stories? For me, this falls a little flat. It's missing a sense of danger.) Wytha learned at her uncle's knee are no mere legends. After capturing a princely hostage (from another tribe? what sort of hostage?) the group travels homeward, but along the way Wytha's band is attacked by spectral barrow-wights called draugr. Black as night's own shadow, long-limbed and faceless, the draugr can separate skin from bone with a touch, and sendsends one of Wytha's men into a slumber from which he cannot wake. (Good stuff. But I'm wondering about danger to their hostage. Maybe work in that Wytha fears losing the gift she went to so much trouble to procure. That would take this back around to the wider story.)

Seeking someone with the knowledge to cure their friend, Wytha and the others enlist the help of a mad widow who claims to know a path through the woods, but as danger continues to dog them in the form of the draugr, Wytha questions whether one of her own people may be summoning the spirits. (Good, you have escalation. But you are missing the choice Wytha must make and what happens if she fails here at the end. And that's one long-ass sentence. You might break it up because when someone's been reading a lot of queries long sentences can get fuzzy.)

I wrote this novel after my research into the Viking world showed evidence of diverse populations diversity, the population nowhere near as homogeneous as may be expected. (Something off about this sentence. I think you need to rephrase.)   As a trans author, I am always in search of stories that feature incidental rather than forced diversity., and SKALDSDOTTIR’S SAGA was written in the spirit of illuminating and reclaiming queer history. (So is this ownvoices? You are hurting your cause if it is and you don't claim it. And still no genre? That's a problem.)

Thank you for your time and consideration, (My idea of the perfect closing.)

There's a lot to like in this query for me. It's got the lots of unique touches and world building. There's a sense of character personality, including stubbornness. The motivation is clear.

Make sure you connect how being attacked in the forest comes back to their larger quest. Perhaps by using the threat to their hostage. And clear up the character choice and what will happen if she fails. Also don't forget to list the genre somewhere. 

Good luck! 

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 6

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.   

The query without my notes:

Dear (Agent),

I hope to interest you in A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAIT, a YA alternate world fantasy featuring a mystery of otherworldly proportions and a headstrong female protagonist with the power to solve it.

At 18, Moreina di Bianco is a young healer who believes in medicine, not magic, even while possessing a second sight she can't fully explain. So when a talisman and a thousand-year-old prophecy choose Reina to reawaken an ancient magic and find a way to end a war, she must reconcile her beliefs and learn to master the magic. Reluctant to accept help, Reina’s only company on her journey is her estranged and mysterious childhood friend, Quinn D’Arturio, and a dashing captain who claims to be her protector. There’s just one problem with her new companions. They, too, are featured in the prophecy. But what woman wants a suitor, let alone two, when she’s busy defeating an evil general, ending a war, finding the true king, and rightfully seating him on the throne?

A Thousand Years to Wait, a 99,000 word fantasy, is the second novel I’ve completed, but the first I’ve written with the intention of doing something other than stashing in a desk drawer. While I have degrees in subjects completely unrelated to creative writing, writing has long been my true passion. Growing up, I was strongly influenced by the world-building talents of Anne McCaffrey and C.S. Friedman and quickly fell in love with both dragons and magic. Comparable titles might include Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass or White Hart by Sarah Dalton. As requested, I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript and a synopsis below. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or full manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Best Regards,

And with my crazy notes:

Dear (Agent),

I hope to interest you (Totally subjective but I feel like saying "I hope" lacks confidence. It does suggest humbleness, but I'm not sure that outweighs the other. I'd be more direct. TITLE is a YA alternative...)  in A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAIT,(italics) a YA alternate-world (I don't think this is a true subgenre. Sound more like epic fantasy) fantasy featuring a mystery of otherworldly proportions and a headstrong female protagonist with the power to solve it.

At 18(Spell it out. Eighteen-year-old), Moreina di Bianco is a young healer who believes in medicine, not magic, even while possessing a second sight she can't fully explain. So when a talisman (what sort?) and a thousand-year-old prophecy (Agents and editors can be wary of another prophecy story. You might want to minimize that.)  choose Reina to reawaken an ancient magic (what kind?) and find a way to end a war, she must reconcile her beliefs and learn to master the magic. Reluctant to accept help, Reina’s only company on her journey is her estranged and mysterious (Why is she mysterious?) childhood friend, Quinn D’Arturio, and a dashing (Dashing is always good. :-)  captain who claims to be her protector. There’s just one problem with her new companions.: They, too, are featured in the prophecy. (But what/who is trying to stop Reina? What is the obstacle she must face? How does the situation get worse?) But what woman wants a suitor, let alone two, when she’s busy defeating an evil general, ending a war, finding the true king, and rightfully seating him on the throne? (Why does she need a true king? How is the war specifically bad? Why does she have to do any of this? What happens if she fails?)

A Thousand Years to Wait,(capitalize) a 99,000 word fantasy (Keep the genre the same. I'd just go with epic fantasy.), is the second novel I’ve completed, but the first I’ve written with the intention of doing something other than stashing in a desk drawer. While I have degrees in subjects completely unrelated to creative writing, writing has long been my true passion. (I think this is okay for Pitchwars, but I wouldn't send it to agents.) Growing up, I was strongly influenced by the world-building talents of Anne McCaffrey and C.S. Friedman and quickly fell in love with both dragons and magic. Comparable titles might include Fans of Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass or White Hart by Sarah Dalton might enjoy this story. As requested, I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript and a synopsis below. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or full manuscript upon request. (Understood. It just takes up room.) 

Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon consideration.

Best Regards,

It's never a good thing when the story part of the query is smaller than the bio and genre information paragraphs. Agents and Pitchwars mentors want to know about the story. The rest is icing on the cake. But we need to know the details of the cake first. You want to get the unique ingredients of the plot in front of the reader.

1st paragraph should set up the characters and the obstacle they face. 2nd paragraph details the obstacle and expands on it. Goes into how the situation gets worse. The 3rd paragraph gives the stakes and what bad thing that will happen if the MC fails. The third paragraph also details the choice the MC faces. She can save the world but she might lose her friends sort of thing. 

There's just not enough about the plot or characters here yet. Expand and give details and the choice and this will be more compelling. 

Good luck and I hope this helps.  

 

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 5

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.   

The query without my notes:

Dear [Agent],

When seventeen-year-old Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce. But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital, he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.

Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black market currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20 days without magic, and Nick only has 15 left. He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid of his uncontrollable magic.

With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned and in danger of being killed for the power she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to question if he wants to give it up to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving.

THE LIGHT WITCH is a 100,000-word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential.

I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.

I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

And with my crazy notes:

Dear [Agent],:

When seventeen-year-old (Good hyphens done right. Of all the grammar problems, it's most often hyphens that are wrong or missing.) Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. (I would expand on this and detail what type of magic instead of just using that word. What he can do will be more enticing than the word magic.) He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce (Interesting complications for a plot! Not to be cold but this is your unique aspect. Play it to the full.). But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital (That's the problem with just saying magic. We have no idea what he did here. Add the details above so you don't have to here.) , he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.

Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed (Don't need to know) into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black-market (Hyphens again. Black describes the market and not the currency.) currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20(spell out numbers under 100. so twenty.) days without magic, and Nick only has 15 fifteen left. (Now I'm really interested. Another unique aspect.) He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid (juicier word? dump?)  of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid(So don't repeat words. Change one of the 'get rid' phrases to something else.)  of his uncontrollable magic (A different, fresher word than 'magic' here. It's been said too often. You really have to watch repeating key words in a query.).

With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned(I don't get abandoned. They didn't have have much of a relationship to start with. Maybe 'alone in a freaky world.' Something with his voice.) and in danger of being killed for these unwanted powers she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to questions if he wants to give it up surrender it (Stronger verbs.) to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving. (Interesting stakes. Watch the over-wordage. My problem is that the disease doesn't get mentioned in the last paragraph. It's one of your unique hooks. Come back to it. Also unclear whether he will die when Simran does.) 

THE LIGHT WITCH (I forgot to say this on other entries but all caps on your title and italics) is a 100,000 word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential. (Join those paragraphs together like this:) I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.

I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit. (This should probably go at the front of the query.) 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, (Everyone really loves their sincerelys. It's not necessary but okay.)

This is a good example of a query with unique concepts and traits that I would be looking to mentor. (I don't take YA so no conflict of interests, but see me for Nightmare on Query Street if you're still on the market.) I'd say this query just needs some tweaking to strengthen some word choices and bring back in how his disease affects his choice at the end.

Good luck!  

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 4

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.

The query without my notes:

Dear __________

Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak. She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide.

Just when she’s about to break down completely, Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.

Lucy is scared and sad, but also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her. Lucy has to get out of there asap.

Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability.

Lucy plans to escape and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.

LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words.

I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore 

LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.

Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

And with my crazy comments:

Dear __________:

Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak (Maybe qualify this by saying who finds her a freak. Some might be offended by the word and it being applied to mental health. It helps that this is own voices, but maybe soften it somewhat. ...Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews hates? that she's considered a freak by those who don't know her.) She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. (I like how you give specific details here. I'm interested.) Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide over a year in unrelated incidents. (A little confused because I thought this horrible tragedy would be the focus of the story. Maybe include a time period and say that the incidents are unrelated to play this aspect of the story down and make it mean a little less. If this happened all at once, I'm sure she'd be really crushed and completely fall apart. Does this happen all at once, within a year?)

Just when she’s about to break down completely(Maybe something about "the last straw" instead), Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.

Lucy is scared and sad, but (Something feels off here. Is she accepting of this as being a benefit? Because that's how it sounds. Maybe go with that and then have her suspicions rise. ...scared and sad, but accepting it's her best chance for healing until she realizes something...) also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her(maybe a bit more detail (few words) on how). Lucy(Feels off to repeat her name. Like it's adding distance from the character. Maybe: It's time to get out of there asap.) has to get out of there asap.

Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability. (I like how you show how the story escalates. It's not often I say this but I feel like there are too many details here. Or maybe it seems like it could be shortened and said quicker with more punch. She's offered an experimental drug with the promise of seeing her father and possibly being discharged early. Though the drug helps her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it takes away everything that makes her Lucy. As she fights back, refusing the drug and threatening to expose the hospital, a doctor threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. Then go into your stakes. Either she does as she's told and hopes for the best, or she can prove something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before they unmake everything she is.)

Lucy plans to escape(already said) and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.

LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words. (I would combine this with the bio paragraph below. Like so) I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.

Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely, (As I said before this isn't needed, but it's up to you.)

I think this query has a real handle on the story line and you make Lucy sound interesting. I would concentrate on removing extra wordage and punching up the prose for more intensity. It sounds very intriguing! 

Good luck! 

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 3

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other five query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.   

The query without my notes:

Dear Michelle Hauck,

For Creed, Fanglore is just another country to conquer, and Manecor just another city to topple. The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blond is just another girl to rape. That is, until she steals his soul.

Now, separated from his army and with no emotions, Creed must rely on Sara, an enemy healer, to guide him across this foreign land in order to rejoin his regiment.

Pursued by deformed monsters that relish their own pain, Creed’s soulless body begins to erode into one of the creatures that plague him around every turn. With no choice but to forsake his army, it becomes a race against time to find the demon and take back his soul, or become enslaved to the very evil that destroyed his life. But when a forced partnership becomes a friendship, will he be able to pay the price to regain his humanity?

Soulless Ones is an adult dark fantasy  of 81,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

And with my crazy notes:

Dear Michelle Hauck, (Colon for a business letter. This query came double spaced and I changed to single space for the blog. It might have been the email formatting, but you definitely want to use single spacing on a query letter and for Pitchwars.)

For Creed, Fanglore is just another country to conquer, and Manecor just another city to topple. The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blonde is just another girl to rape. That is, until she(shows herself as a demon and) steals his soul. (An antihero? Interesting. I'd give us a little (possibly tiny amount) more detail about who Creed is. Is one soldier among many? The leader of an army? A politician? Does he have a title like general? If he's just a cog in the machine, does he enjoy this sort of work or is it just a job to him? Though a warning that mention of rape is going to turn a lot of agents off instantly and it doesn't make me too happy either. You might change it to "use" and leave it more vague. Also you just kind of throw demon into the mix below; you'd better establish it here first.)

Now, separated from his army and with no emotions, Creed must rely on Sara, an enemy healer, to guide him across this foreign land in order to rejoin his regiment. (I'm interested, but why does she agree to this? What's her motivation and what's his? Does he hope for help there? A magical cure? Does he need to find the blond? This paragraph is a little too short. It needs to say more about the situation. It can also clear up whether magic is known in this world or if it's a surprise to Creed.)

Pursued by deformed monsters that relish their own pain (why? Why do they chase him in particular or do they chase everyone?), Creed’s soulless body begins to erode into one of the creatures that plague him around every turn. With no choice (I think you mean his path to his army is blocked. Subtle difference. He'd go there if he could.) but to forsake his army, it becomes a race against time to find the demon(the blonde? Because I thought she was human.) and take back his soul, or become enslaved to the very evil that destroyed his life.(As he's sort of evil to start with, I'm not sure I care. Give us a sentence about his changing heart first before the stakes.)  But when a forced partnership becomes a friendship, will he be able to pay the price(The price is unclear. I'm guessing he has to betray Sara but stating that would be more interesting. Specific details!) to regain his humanity? (Rephrase so it's not a question perhaps. He'll have to consider whether to pay...)

Soulless Ones is an adult dark fantasy of 81,000 words. (Word count is okay, but most adult fantasy are going to be closer to 90K or over.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, (I always suggest paying clients cut this word. Thanks and consideration are enough.)

So an antihero! My suggestions would be to clear up a few of the points I mentioned above (like Sara's motivation) and give us a little more about his character arc. How does Creed start to change? 

Also I would try and insert more of Creed's voice into the wording of your query. What swear words would he use? What slang can you use to replace more everyday words? Focus on showcasing his antihero personality and make it shine.

Good luck! 

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 2

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.   

The query without my notes:

  In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward with her young son. After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the past behind, forever.

            Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world. His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad.

            The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire, Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart, causing her to linger. When her past is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with only with her freedom but her son’s future.

The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly, WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19^thcentury farces  and is complete at 85,000 words.

The query with my crazy notes:

(Let me start by pointing out that you don't use indents in a query letter. :-) It kinds of throws me off a tad when the formatting is different so I imagine it might do that to an agent, too.)In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward (I'm not sure you need the direction unless we know where's she fleeing from.) with her young son. (I'd usually say to include the MC's name here, but given the plot, I think it works to leave it off for a sentence.) After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT (No need for caps here. You can do that in a synopsis, but not in a query.) and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s (This is the only hint that the real Anne is dead. Or does it mean her husband? Anyway it's sort of confusing. Maybe something like-- to benefit from her false in-laws?) in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the her past behind, forever. (Hoping more details of the accidental murder are provided below. Or if she has an actual husband.)

            Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world (how? Details could make this more interesting.). His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature (Can you use an example that will show us. The way she refuses to wear skirts or sit demurely at tea parties but speaks her mind. Maybe she wants to march with suffragettes or something.) and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad. (I'm not sure mad is the right word. Something softer that doesn't imply insane as much. Batty? Loopy? Some slang from 1901? There's no clue who Warren is here. He could be her pretend father-in-law, though I suspect it's a brother-in-law. I just watched this same plot in a Branden Fraser move called Mrs. Winterbourne, only not set in 1901.) 

            The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire (I'm not sure what sort of rich family this is. Are they in industry? Farmers? Can you be more specific? What sort of assets is Warren managing?), Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren (Why? What about him appeals to her. Does he make her feel safe? Sees the person inside of her?) and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart (Some details of their quirkiness/nature would be helpful to help us form an attachment.) , causing her to linger. When her past (which is? We didn't really learn any more about why she is running or from whom.)  is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with not only with her freedom but her son’s future.

The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly, WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19^thcentury farces  and is complete at 85,000 words.


I'll be blunt here and say that the query doesn't give me enough specific details to get attached and connect with Anne or Warren. It conveys the general idea and I understand the plot, but it doesn't make me care about them or how the story turns out because I don't feel it really gets to their personality. That could just be me and because I just watched a movie that's so similar.

Try adding an additional sentence to flesh out this accidental murder and how she happens to take Anne's place. I know in the movie it's a train wreck that lets her switch places with a dead woman. Give us more details from the story, more details of why they fall for each other, and I think you will grab the reader's attention more.

Good luck!