Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 8

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

I'm finishing up the critique marathon with two more as the mentor blog hop starts on Wednesday!  

The query without my notes:

Dear [Agent]:

Seventeen-year-old Ilycia Robert is no stranger to losses from the centuries-old curse which put the Princess Rose to sleep, crippled her village by drought, and imprisoned the kingdom within a wall of thorns. Her brother led the excursion to break the curse four years earlier and never returned. Ilycia has a family to feed and can't be bothered to wait for a suitor to save her.

With help from her best friend Val, she earns money by masquerading around the kingdom as the knife-throwing La Marque. But after her win at an illicit tournament goes awry and Ilycia and Val are caught by armed forces, Val is forced to lead the next excursion.

Now Val's on his way to certain death. Ilycia falls apart until Val's brother Emeric devises a plan to help Val through the magic-ravaged kingdom. Too bad Emeric is the boy who once charmed his way under Ilycia's skirts and dumped her shortly thereafter. What's worse, Emeric's plan requires both Ilycia and his new fiancée.

Vowing to save Val no matter her personal cost, Ilycia joins the excursion. All they have to do is survive through the magic lands until they reach the castle so Val can bestow a kiss on the princess. But in waking her, the friends find what they think they know about the curse may not be the truth.

REIGN OF THORNS is an 89,000-word young adult fantasy with series potential. A retelling of Sleeping Beauty, it will appeal to fans of Sarah J. Maas.  

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

And with my crazy notes:

Dear [Agent]:

Seventeen-year-old Ilycia Robert is no stranger to losses (I was going to say what losses, but you follow up with them. Good.) from the centuries-old curse which put the Princess Rose to sleep, (You might end the sentence here just because it's getting long.) crippled her village by(with?) drought, and imprisoned the kingdom within a wall of thorns. Her (A little unclear whose brother this is. It could be Princess Rose's.) brother led the excursion to break the curse four years earlier and never returned. Ilycia has a family to feed and can't be bothered to wait for a suitor to save her. (I like the personality at the end of this.)

With help from her best friend Val, she earns money by masquerading around the kingdom as the knife-throwing La Marque. (I'm unsure doing what. How does this earn money? Explaining will go a long way to taking away my confusion with the rest of this paragraph.) But after her win at an illicit tournament goes awry and Ilycia and Val are caught by armed forces (So? Is it illegal for women to enter?), Val is forced to lead the next excursion. (But Val was caught too. I assume Val is a woman, short for Valerie. What sort of excursion? I thought they were at a tournament. Those aren't the same? All sorts of confusion here.)

Now Val's on his (Oh, Val is a man.) way to certain death. Ilycia falls apart until Val's brother Emeric devises a plan to help Val through the magic-ravaged kingdom (Oh, you mean an excursion to break the curse. That's the punishment?). Too bad Emeric is the boy who once charmed his way under Ilycia's skirts and dumped her shortly thereafter (I think maybe you should put this part about being dumped into the first paragraph. That way Emeric doesn't appear to come out of nowhere near the end of the query.) What's worse, Emeric's plan requires both Ilycia and his new fiancée. (I'm not sure we need to know this last part. There are plenty of characters already. You don't want character soup. Limit the number to three or four in a query.)

Vowing to save Val no matter her personal cost, Ilycia joins the excursion. All they have to do is survive through the magic lands until they reach the castle so Val can bestow a kiss on the princess. But in waking her, the friends find what they think they know about the curse may not be the truth. (Clunky wording. I'm not sure I can do better. the friends find the curse may not be what everyone expects. Or the curse is more complicated than everyone thought. Or the friends find the curse has an unexpected twist.

 Again you end the query without a choice the mc must face or without what bad thing will happen if she fails. I think you need some sort of choice and stakes here.

I suggest two avenues. You can scale back on outlining the story and make the choice be about whether Ilycia will go on the excursion. Or you can shorten other parts in the query a little and put in the choice Ilycia must make here when the curse is discovered.

I'm torn on which would be better. Maybe try both. On one hand the twist in the curse is your escalation of the plot and the unique part about the story. A very good thing to have. On the other hand, revealing they make it to the princess is somewhat of a let down. You'd have to get to that information sooner(middle paragraph). Maybe take out the whole subplot about knife throwing and just say her best friend Val is forced on the next excursion. No need to explain why. That would save a lot of confusion about that part of the query and get you to the twist in the curse sooner.)

REIGN OF THORNS is an 89,000-word (solid word count number) young adult fantasy with series potential. A retelling of Sleeping Beauty, it will appeal to fans of Sarah J. Maas.  

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Lots of notes here because there is much to discuss.

I think you have a section to this query that just causes a lot of confusion (2nd paragraph and parts of the 3rd). Easier to cut it out and skip over it. A query doesn't have to tell the whole plot. Only the important parts. The important part is her best friend has to go on the next excursion after she lost her brother that way. Of course she'll want to save him. You don't have to detail why.

Then the escalation of your obstacle is almost buried at the end (the curse). And it's also the unique part of your plot. Cutting the second paragraph will give you more room to talk about the twists of the story and let you add some stakes and choices the mc must make.

Don't be afraid to try out a query where you reveal the twist to the curse. It's not that part you want to hide from an agent. It's THE CHOICE the mc makes about solving that obstacle that you want to keep secret. Does she go one way or another at the end. That's the outcome you hide or don't include in the query, along with how it all turns out. 

The real curse is the juicy bit that could make an agent sit up and take notice.

Good luck!