Saturday, July 8, 2017

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 2

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.   

The query without my notes:

  In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward with her young son. After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the past behind, forever.

            Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world. His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad.

            The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire, Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart, causing her to linger. When her past is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with only with her freedom but her son’s future.

The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello DollyWHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19thcentury farces  and is complete at 85,000 words.


The query with my crazy notes:


(Let me start by pointing out that you don't use indents in a query letter. :-) It kinds of throws me off a tad when the formatting is different so I imagine it might do that to an agent, too.)In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward (I'm not sure you need the direction unless we know where's she fleeing from.) with her young son. (I'd usually say to include the MC's name here, but given the plot, I think it works to leave it off for a sentence.) After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT (No need for caps here. You can do that in a synopsis, but not in a query.) and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s (This is the only hint that the real Anne is dead. Or does it mean her husband? Anyway it's sort of confusing. Maybe something like-- to benefit from her false in-laws?) in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the her past behind, forever. (Hoping more details of the accidental murder are provided below. Or if she has an actual husband.)

            Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world (how? Details could make this more interesting.). His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature (Can you use an example that will show us. The way she refuses to wear skirts or sit demurely at tea parties but speaks her mind. Maybe she wants to march with suffragettes or something.) and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad. (I'm not sure mad is the right word. Something softer that doesn't imply insane as much. Batty? Loopy? Some slang from 1901? There's no clue who Warren is here. He could be her pretend father-in-law, though I suspect it's a brother-in-law. I just watched this same plot in a Branden Fraser move called Mrs. Winterbourne, only not set in 1901.) 

            The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire (I'm not sure what sort of rich family this is. Are they in industry? Farmers? Can you be more specific? What sort of assets is Warren managing?), Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren (Why? What about him appeals to her. Does he make her feel safe? Sees the person inside of her?) and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart (Some details of their quirkiness/nature would be helpful to help us form an attachment.) , causing her to linger. When her past (which is? We didn't really learn any more about why she is running or from whom.)  is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with not only with her freedom but her son’s future.

The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello DollyWHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19thcentury farces  and is complete at 85,000 words.


I'll be blunt here and say that the query doesn't give me enough specific details to get attached and connect with Anne or Warren. It conveys the general idea and I understand the plot, but it doesn't make me care about them or how the story turns out because I don't feel it really gets to their personality. That could just be me and because I just watched a movie that's so similar.

Try adding an additional sentence to flesh out this accidental murder and how she happens to take Anne's place. I know in the movie it's a train wreck that lets her switch places with a dead woman. Give us more details from the story, more details of why they fall for each other, and I think you will grab the reader's attention more.

Good luck! 

24 comments:

  1. What a generous thing to do! I'm entering Pitch Wars for the first time this year and the query is killing me. Asking four different betas, I got four very different takes. If you're offering help to anyone else, I'd be most grateful.

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  2. Hi,

    I didn't read Michelle's critique of the query so you'd have just my critique.

    I use caps below not to yell at you, but to make my comments stand out from yours since I can't seem to find colors here. :)

    A well-written query that I think needs more depth, more "show" rather than telling of your character's traits.

    In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward-- RATHER THAN SAYING THE DIRECTION (AS YOU DO GIVE THE WHERE IN A FEW SENTENCES), YOU MAY WANT TO CONSIDER GIVING WHERE SHE'S FROM, IF IT'S RELEVANT. FOR EXAMPLE IF SHE'S FROM MISSISSIPPI THEN THAT ACCENT IS GOING TO BE DIFFICULT TO HIDE IN DELAWARE SO HINTS TO THE STRUGGLE (OR NOT). with her young son. After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s in-laws--I'M CONFUSED--WITH ANN DINSMORE TRUITT'S INLAWS? OR ANNE'S DEAD HUSBAND'S FAMILY? THAT'S NOT CLEAR TO ME. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the past behind, forever.

    WHO DID "ANNE" MURDER? HOW DID SHE GET TO ASSUME THIS WOMAN'S IDENTITY? YOU CAN ALLUDE THAT YOU MAY BE SLOWLY REVEALING THE ANSWER TO THE FIRST QUESTION, BUT I THINK THE 2ND IS IMPORTANT TO EXPLAIN IN THE QUERY BECAUSE IT LETS US KNOW A LOT ABOUT ANNE'S CHARACTER--THE LENGTHS SHE'LL GO TO.

    THERE ARE A LOT OF ADJECTIVES TO DESCRIBE WARREN, BUT I STILL DON'T FEEL FOR HIM. DID HE TAKE IN ANNE QUICKLY? WAS HE SHOCKED THERE WAS A SON? HOW LONG HAS HIS SON BEEN DEAD? HAD HE BEEN BROKEN FROM THAT? MAYBE ANNE ARRIVED AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME BECAUSE HE WAS IN A SPIRALLY DEPRESSION HAVING LOST THE HEIR TO HIS FAMILY FORTUNE? DID ANNE "SAVE" HIM AS ANNE HOPES THAT THE MONEY FROM HIM WILL SAVE HER AND HER SON? DESCRIBING HOW HE TAKES HER IN SHOWS MORE WARREN THAN THE ADJECTIVES YOU'VE USED, I THINK. (DID IT TAKE AWHILE FOR HIM TO WARM UP TO HER?)


    Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, --TOO MANY ADJECTIVES. I'D STICK WITH ONE. leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world. His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad. IS HE MARRIED?

    The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire, Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart, causing her to linger. When her past is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren [[[[with only with her freedom but her son’s future.???]] I THINK YOU NEED TO BE A BIT MORE SPECIFIC WITH EVENTS. RATHER THAN 'BEND HIS OWN VALUES' SAY SPECIFICALLY WHAT IT IS. FREEDOM? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? NOT GOING TO JAIL? BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC.

    The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly,--I LIKE YOUR CHOICES OF 'MESHING' HERE. WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19thcentury farces and is complete at 85,000 words.--SWEET SPOT WITH THE LENGTH.

    I hope some of my comments help. Remember that they're just my opinion.

    I wish you lots of luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Doh! I forgot to sign my name.

      Sidney T. Blake
      @sidneytblake

      Delete
  3. I would like to know a bit more (if possible) about why she is a murderess? And why she would want to be a famous actress (wouldn't that draw attention to someone with secrets?) Take out the indents like Michelle said, or make them all the same at least. Other than that, I was pretty drawn in and curious about the story!

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  4. Just a few thoughts to add. I agree with most of the corrections, but the plot did seem fresh to me (I guess I haven't seen the movie Michelle referenced). The only thing similar that came to my mind was A Walk in the Clouds but the addition of the murder makes yours more compelling. I definitely think you should add more about this accidental murder. I'm questioning the circumstances and it's making it difficult to like her. I would suggest giving her more of a voice- is she a wonderful mother? did she murder an abusive relative, perhaps her baby's father? Or was the whole thing just a random misfortune for a stranger? (Not so much emotion in the last one, but it crossed my mind as a possibility.) Is she struggling with guilt over what she's done? This might make her more real.

    Also, is there any pressure for her to flee? Is the law closing in on her for the murder? If so, maybe emphasize this point in the last paragraph just to increase the stakes and urgency for her.

    I found the query easy to follow. I think with just a few tweaks you'll be able to add the missing excitement.
    Good luck!

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  5. Good morning. I am still trying out how to write a good query letter myself, so understand these are just my ideas.

    When I read through your query, I thought to myself, "Are they supposed to be so detailed?" Your story sounds very complicated, and I understand you wanting to get it all out there, but is there a way to compact it without losing the idea of the book? Then again, Michelle didn't seem to mind that aspect, so maybe I am all wet! The story definitely sounds like a good one, but I think I became lost with all the adjectives describing the characters. I would love to say I know how to fix this, but that is why I need help from Michelle too!

    I would like to tackle the first paragraph, and I guess an example would be the first descriptor, "Accidental murderess." Could you instead say something to the effect of, "In 1901, an aspiring actress accidentally murders a woman and must flee with her son." To me, it rolls off the tongue a little smoother. The second sentence kind of confused me. I think maybe there is a typo in there somewhere, but if I understand what you are saying, this is my attempt at the sentence. "A chance encounter leads her to assume the identity of deceased wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT, and she travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with the real Anne's in-laws. Finally the third sentence, what I really want to know, is why don't the in-laws realize she is not the real Anne? Did they not ever meet her? And you said she needs funds to escape Europe, but she's already in the US. These are a couple things that may need to be addressed here.

    I'm afraid to do more, as my experience with queries is novice at best. I don't want to steer you down the wrong path. Nevertheless, I hope this helps. Good luck in Pitch Wars!!

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  6. Hey! I'm going to give my feedback before reading Michelle's this time, so if I repeat something it's something we definitely both noticed, etc.

    Your query looks quite strong to me, but it does seem to be missing a little zip. I don't think you should change it too much tonally if this query style reflects the style of the novel, however, as you want to attract agents who will connect not only with a flashy query, but also your MS.

    Your first paragraph grabbed my attention, but I wonder about the last line, and "leave the past behind, forever." I don't think it's bad, but it's a bit of a cliche. That said, it didn't jar me out of the query or anything like that.

    Your second paragraph lost my attention a little. There's nothing obviously wrong with it, but after the exciting opening (secret/stolen identity, murder, etc) it fell a little flat. Maybe putting the focus back on Anne here, and her growing relationship with Warren might make it stronger.

    The final paragraph contains some good moments, but I wonder if you're giving too much of the plot away--does all this happen fairly early on in the novel? If it does ignore my comment! It just felt to me that the love developing between them, and the tension of her secret were the driving forces of the narrative.

    I like that you specify the context in which the MS should be approached (19th farce, etc). It shows me how I should be reading the story, etc.

    Small thing:

    It may not matter if you do, but I don't think you need to capitalize the character names (just your title). In a synopsis you do capitalize character names, at least the first time they appear.

    I'm super tired, so if anything I've said doesn't make sense I apologize! Overall I thought your query gave a good sense of the plot, the novel's tone, and your stylistic influences. I think it may just need to be a bit more focused (is the secret/budding romance the driving force of the plot, or does something happen after these issues are resolved that shakes things up again?).

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  7. The young son's age needs to be categorized, since the soon to be Anne is also described to be young. Is the boy an infant, a toddler, or teen? Is the mother a teen, a twenty something, or a thirty something? The vagueness of their ages makes it difficult to identify with their characters.

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  8. I’m using caps to set apart my inserted comments, not shouting your query letter down. Overall, you have a fairly strong query letter. Just needs a few tweaks. This is also the type of romance I would totally read. Otherwise, feel free to use or ignore my critique and good luck with Pitch Wars! :)
    ---

    In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward with her young son. (I THINK YOU CAN REMOVE THE “NORTHWARD”. ALSO, SINCE YOU MENTION “ACCIDENTAL MURDERESS”, I’D LIKE TO SEE IT EXPLAINED SOMEWHERE IN THE QUERY WHAT THIS MEANS. ARE THE POLICE ACTIVELY SEARCHING FOR HER RIGHT NOW?) After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT and travels to Wilmington, Delaware (I THINK YOU COULD CUT “WILMINGTON”) to live with deceased’s in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the past behind, forever (GOOD LINE).

    Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males (THIS MIGHT RAISE MORE QUESTIONS THAN WANTED. NOW I’M CURIOUS WHY ALL THE TRUITT MALES HAVE A PENCHANT FOR DYING. IS THERE A FAMILY CURSE? REALLY BAD MISFORTUNE? IF YOU DON’T WANT TO WORK IN WHAT THIS MEANS PRECISELY, YOU MIGHT CONSIDER REPHRASING THIS, SINCE WARREN’S COMMITMENT TO HIS FAMILY IS STILL IMPORTANT), WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world. His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad.

    The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire, Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart, causing her to linger. When her past is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; (I THINK A COLON WOULD BE MOST APPROPRIATE HERE, NOT A SEMI-COLON) trust Warren with only with her freedom but her son’s future.

    The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly, WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19thcentury farces and is complete at 85,000 words.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I think there needs to be some clarification in paragraph 1 related to the person she murdered and how she assumed the identity of the widow. Accidental murderess conjures images of self-defense, maybe? What about something like: Involuntary manslaughter sends an aspiring actress and her son on the run. (uggh, maybe without the rhyme) After a chance encounter with wealthy widow Anne Dinsmore Truitt, she assumes the woman's identity and diverts to Wilmington, Delaware to live with her deceased husband's in-laws.

    Paragraph 2 is a little overrun with generalities. Agree there should be specifics: what does he do to prove himself such a driven leader? What specifically is confounding about her nature? I’m curious as well about how he's "haunted." (I expect that's metaphorical but why does it disturb him so?) Structurally, this line reads clunky to me: The intense, driven, leader. I don't believe there should be a comma following driven, but either way those descriptors seems to synonymous to me.

    Paragraph 3: I'd like to understand what about her past is discovered: the identity assumption or the murder? From the following lines, I'd presume it's the former, but it seems odd that is described as her past. Structurally, I believe the last sentence should use a colon as opposed to a semi-colon.

    Finally, you've mentioned this was written as a nod to 19th century farces, yet I’m not seeing anything in the query that is possibly comedic or a parody? I see romance and possible suspense. If there are comedic aspects to the story, that should come through in the query, I think.

    I hope this helps!

    Julie Ferguson

    ReplyDelete
  10. [I didn’t read the original critique to keep my comments unbiased.]

    In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward with her young son. After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT [don’t need to capitalize names] and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the past behind, forever. [This is where it piqued my interest. I’d tighten the intro stuff, maybe focus on explaining how she ends up in the situation where she has the opportunity to steal the widow’s identity. Oh wait, is the widow the person she murdered? That’s something I’d be clear about up front. In fact, it’d be a great hook – assuming the identity of the person she accidentally killed.]

    [usually there are no indents on queries] Haunted by the deaths of most [why not all?] of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY [again, no need to capitalize the name] made protecting, managing, and running [are all three necessary?] the Truitt family his sole focus [use of “made” is turning this sentence passive] The intense, driven, leader has [passive, delete] permitted himself almost [“almost” weakens the sentence and how much I believe in his commitment] no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives [this sounds like he is limiting his ability to protect the family vs holding back on his own desires]. Anne’s addition [confused me at first, maybe “arrival” instead?] upends his balanced world. His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader [So, Warren’s mother married into the family, correct? Struggling to understand why all of this is on his shoulders.] Nevertheless, her confounding nature and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad.

    The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire, Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper [this is on the vague side, how does it change?]. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart, causing her to linger. When her past is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with [missing word: not] only with her freedom but her son’s future.

    The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly, WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19th [space] century farces and is complete at 85,000 words.

    [Hope my comments are useful. Remember, it is all just my opinion, use what is helpful, ignore the rest. Thanks for sharing your work! – Kyra Palmer @nowfictionthis on Twitter]

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  11. I love your story idea. I would read this book. Michelle did a great job of getting into the details of your query - I can't add to that, but I will say that your query reads more like a synopsis to me. In the Talented Mr. Ripely, part of why I was on the edge of my seat (I only saw the movie) was because I was never sure who was good and who was evil. I would recommend rewriting this wonderful query and taking us just to the end of Act 1. Leave us hanging there, so we don't yet know if our heroine is trustworthy or not.

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  12. I love your story idea as well! I think Michelle did a great job at giving you feedback and advice, but I wanted to add: this also sounds a lot like Mrs. Winterbourne (movie). You could use that as a comp as well if you wanted. Anyway, good luck!

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  13. Hi! I'm going to put some specific comments in here in parentheses, followed by more general comments at the end.
    In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward with her young son (I think this needs more detail. Who did she murder and how? If it was an accident, why is she fleeing? It sounds like she assumes she'll be found guilty, but why? Is the kid's dad around - why does she take him along?). After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s in-laws (This confused me. I wasn't sure if the real Anne is dead or alive, and how she would have gotten enough info to pass herself off as Anne through a chance encounter. I'd think a rich family in 1901 would have met Anne before, thrown a lavish wedding or something?). If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the past behind, forever.

    Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males (Are they cursed or something? I'd love to know more about this.), WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running (Running the family? Not sure what that means. And what's his relationship to the family and to Anne?) the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader (Not sure you need all these adjectives since you're showing us these same things about him as well) has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world (How? What does she do?). His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader (This brings up another plot point. Did the real Anne Truitt have a son? How old is this kid, that she can con them all so easily?). Nevertheless, her confounding nature and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad (Please find something other than mad here. Being in love isn't the same thing as being insane or having mental issues, and that choice of phrasing is likely to upset people).

    The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire, Warren and Anne’s teamwork (Teamwork to put out the fire?) transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart, causing her to linger. When her past is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with (insert not) only with her freedom but her son’s future. (She hasn't seemed to care a whole lot about the kid so far in the query. He's mentioned, but not much. So to make him suddenly the point of the stakes without more context feels off.)

    Okay, more general comments. The characters aren't quite grabbing my attention/sympathy enough, I think. A little more detail on who they are and what they want would help. The stakes are pretty predictable, so you've got to make us feel more invested in the characters.
    It also seems like you may be giving us too much of the plot. I'd bet this is 90% of the story? You don't have to give away the whole story in the query. You've set out almost everything that's going to happen, and I'm pretty sure I know how things are going to resolve, so there's no tension left to "hook" me and make me want to request more. Maybe you could try backing it up a bit, to give us maybe the first quarter/half of the story and stakes. Leave room for the reader to wonder about the rest of the story. I like the idea overall, it's a fun plot, your query just needs to be tuned-up!

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  14. A few thoughts:

    1. I'm not sure you need to capitalize names in queries. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that's for synopses only.

    2. Speaking of synopses, this is reading like one. The first two paragraphs seem like step by step occurrences to introduce both characters. I want to know more about the accidental murder that caused the actress to flee with her son.

    3. The last paragraph is good. I like the stakes and it fits romance.

    Overall, it sounds like an interesting read. Good luck.

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  15. A lot of other people have given great feedback on the guts of the query, so I'm going to come at it from the copy editor perspective. If you only have eight seconds to convince an agent to request more, you don't want little errors distracting.

    "to live with deceased" should be "to live with the deceased"

    "Warren Truitt Rodney made protecting" should be "Warren Truitt Rodney has made protecting"

    (Don't capitalize character names)

    "The intense, driven, leader" should be "The intense, driven leader"

    "must take the biggest risk of all;" should have a colon instead of a semicolon, like this: "must take the biggest risk of all:"

    "with only with her freedom" should be "not only with her freedom"

    And finally, "with her freedom but her son's future" should be "with her freedom, but also with her son's future"

    If you make revisions, I'd suggest getting a friend who's good with grammar to look at it before sending it out again. Good luck! It sounds like a great story to me.





    "behind, forever" should be "behind forever"

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  16. Sorry, I don't know why the behind forever one is at the bottom like that.

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  17. Hi there,

    This concept sounds like fun. I love con stories, but Michelle is right. I don't know enough about the characters and how they weave together (or not) to be invested in their story.

    Who did she accidentally kill - her husband? Is he also her son's father? How does their mother/son relationship get effected by that? There's really not much info about the son - maybe work that into the apprentice section? She's an actress, does this play into her new role or is it really not that important to the story? If not, I would ditch that info. It's implied with "stay in character".

    I'd like to know more about Warren. What is he the patriarch of? Who is he to her? I understand that he's driven to the point of self-sacrifice, but how does that change because of her? Why is his attraction to her uncharacteristic? How is she changed by his presence? Does she feel guilty about conning his family? What does the rest of the family think about their romantic relations (brother's wife)? Is it accepted?

    Unless "her past" is something separate from the con/lies I would say, "when her lies are uncovered". "Difficult choices" isn't enough info - is she facing charges, would she be tarred and feathered for her crimes, will he be shamed in the business community and lose his head honcho role - what are the choices? How is he in the position to save her? How does that require her to trust him? That last paragraph needs to have the power shot - the question that really gets to the meat.

    Overall, I love the combination of historical/con/romance and this is something I would investigate in a book store, but I think there are too many detail holes that keep me guessing at the character arch. I hope I was helpful. I know how hard this process is and I commend you for sharing it with us. Thank you.

    Wishing you lots of luck,
    Sarah Bailey

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  18. One more thing, in your first paragraph all of the sentences start with gerund phrases. I tend to pay attention to it because I too am a gerund abuser and I'm trying to kick the habit. You may want to switch things up a bit.

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  19. I thought the concept was good, it just need the stakes ratcheted up to really make it sing. I'm curious about her son. Who is his father, what is his part in all of the story? If his safety is one of her driving concerns, I'd like to see him be a bigger part of the query.

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  20. This made me think instantly of Mrs. Winterbourne also, which is both good and bad. It's good because I love that movie. It's bad because I love that movie, and the only real difference I could tell between this and that is the time period. But since it looks like you've got a lot of great ideas from others on how to make this really sing, I'm going to leave my remarks at that.

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  21. Coming to this late so I don't think I've much to offer that hasn't been pointed out.

    Except, I do love the "accidental murderess" description. And not giving her true name, but only the one she assumes is a nice touch as well.

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  22. Accidental murderess?? You have me hooked! How in the world does that happen haha.

    Deceased in-laws confused me. Is she living with dead people? (Ohhhh you mean the real Anne is dead. Make sure that's clear. )

    Second to last paragraph:last line. You repeat the word "with" twice on accident.

    Make sure its clear that this is an adult book. Sounds like it but you should specificallu stare it in the last paragraph.

    I'm really sad you didn't mention more about the murder. I thought it would play a larger role in the query.

    Also more details about why they are attracted to each other is very important. It is a romance after all 😁



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  23. I agree with what Michelle said. I do like the conflict set up between the H&H though. This story line does remind me of a movie (Original Sin, I think?). The part about deceased in-laws was confusing. Is she living with corpses? I think fleshing out the hero's GMC would be helpful - what does he want? Why?. Add more to the accidental death, too. Who did she kill/and why? We need a bit more fleshing out and emphasis out this plot is unique from others that have been similar (like the movie I referenced). I love a good false identity (I have it in one of my books). Hook us more. Make us want to read about these two by laying out a clear conflict/stakes and also (reason for) attraction. Good luck!

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