Friday, July 14, 2017

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 6

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.   

The query without my notes:

Dear (Agent),

I hope to interest you in A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAITa YA alternate world fantasy featuring a mystery of otherworldly proportions and a headstrong female protagonist with the power to solve it.

At 18, Moreina di Bianco is a young healer who believes in medicine, not magic, even while possessing a second sight she can't fully explain. So when a talisman and a thousand-year-old prophecy choose Reina to reawaken an ancient magic and find a way to end a war, she must reconcile her beliefs and learn to master the magic. Reluctant to accept help, Reina’s only company on her journey is her estranged and mysterious childhood friend, Quinn D’Arturio, and a dashing captain who claims to be her protector. There’s just one problem with her new companions. They, too, are featured in the prophecy. But what woman wants a suitor, let alone two, when she’s busy defeating an evil general, ending a war, finding the true king, and rightfully seating him on the throne?

A Thousand Years to Wait, a 99,000 word fantasy, is the second novel I’ve completed, but the first I’ve written with the intention of doing something other than stashing in a desk drawer. While I have degrees in subjects completely unrelated to creative writing, writing has long been my true passion. Growing up, I was strongly influenced by the world-building talents of Anne McCaffrey and C.S. Friedman and quickly fell in love with both dragons and magic. Comparable titles might include Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass or White Hart by Sarah Dalton. As requested, I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript and a synopsis below. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or full manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.


Best Regards,

And with my crazy notes:

Dear (Agent),

I hope to interest you (Totally subjective but I feel like saying "I hope" lacks confidence. It does suggest humbleness, but I'm not sure that outweighs the other. I'd be more direct. TITLE is a YA alternative...)  in A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAIT,(italics) a YA alternate-world (I don't think this is a true subgenre. Sound more like epic fantasy) fantasy featuring a mystery of otherworldly proportions and a headstrong female protagonist with the power to solve it.

At 18(Spell it out. Eighteen-year-old), Moreina di Bianco is a young healer who believes in medicine, not magic, even while possessing a second sight she can't fully explain. So when a talisman (what sort?) and a thousand-year-old prophecy (Agents and editors can be wary of another prophecy story. You might want to minimize that.)  choose Reina to reawaken an ancient magic (what kind?) and find a way to end a war, she must reconcile her beliefs and learn to master the magic. Reluctant to accept help, Reina’s only company on her journey is her estranged and mysterious (Why is she mysterious?) childhood friend, Quinn D’Arturio, and a dashing (Dashing is always good. :-)  captain who claims to be her protector. There’s just one problem with her new companions.: They, too, are featured in the prophecy. (But what/who is trying to stop Reina? What is the obstacle she must face? How does the situation get worse?) But what woman wants a suitor, let alone two, when she’s busy defeating an evil general, ending a war, finding the true king, and rightfully seating him on the throne? (Why does she need a true king? How is the war specifically bad? Why does she have to do any of this? What happens if she fails?)

A Thousand Years to Wait,(capitalize) a 99,000 word fantasy (Keep the genre the same. I'd just go with epic fantasy.), is the second novel I’ve completed, but the first I’ve written with the intention of doing something other than stashing in a desk drawer. While I have degrees in subjects completely unrelated to creative writing, writing has long been my true passion. (I think this is okay for Pitchwars, but I wouldn't send it to agents.) Growing up, I was strongly influenced by the world-building talents of Anne McCaffrey and C.S. Friedman and quickly fell in love with both dragons and magic. Comparable titles might include Fans of Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass or White Hart by Sarah Dalton might enjoy this story. As requested, I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript and a synopsis below. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or full manuscript upon request. (Understood. It just takes up room.) 

Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon consideration.


Best Regards,

It's never a good thing when the story part of the query is smaller than the bio and genre information paragraphs. Agents and Pitchwars mentors want to know about the story. The rest is icing on the cake. But we need to know the details of the cake first. You want to get the unique ingredients of the plot in front of the reader.

1st paragraph should set up the characters and the obstacle they face. 2nd paragraph details the obstacle and expands on it. Goes into how the situation gets worse. The 3rd paragraph gives the stakes and what bad thing that will happen if the MC fails. The third paragraph also details the choice the MC faces. She can save the world but she might lose her friends sort of thing. 

There's just not enough about the plot or characters here yet. Expand and give details and the choice and this will be more compelling. 

Good luck and I hope this helps.  

 

6 comments:

  1. The main character is introduced as Moreina, but subsequently referred to as Reina. I thought it was two different people at first. And the rhetorical question at the end of paragraph 2 seemed a little long and didn't quite have the punch I think you were looking for.
    You caught my attention. The story sounds interesting, but I want to know more about the stakes up front.
    Be careful not to sound too self-deprecating. Be proud of your work and show it with confidence.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've put everything in caps, and haven't read the other critiques yet. Posting as two comments because of the word limit!


    Dear (Agent),

    I hope to interest you THIS MAY BE PERSONAL TASTE, BUT THIS OPENING READS VERY YOUNG TO ME. I'M PICTURING A WAITER OFFERING ME THE DESSERT MENU. in A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAIT, a YA alternate world fantasy COOL! featuring a mystery of otherworldly proportions and a headstrong female protagonist with the power to solve it. "MYSTERY OF OTHERWORLDLY PROPORTIONS" IS TOO VAGUE FOR ME. INSTEAD MAYBE TELL US SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT MAKES THE WORLD "ALTERNATE"?

    At 18, Moreina di Bianco is a young healer "HEALER" LET ME KNOW THIS WAS MORE OF A HISTORICAL SETTING--YOU WOULDN'T USE THIS WORD IN A SCI-FI--BUT EVEN THOUGH YOU SPECIFIED ABOVE THAT YOUR MS WAS FANTASY I WAS PULLED OUT OF THE QUERY FOR A MOMENT, BECAUSE "ALTERNATE WORLD" MADE ME THINK IT WOULD BE MORE CONTEMPORARY. NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS, BUT IT SAYS TO ME THAT YOU MAY NEED TO SPECIFY THE PERIOD IN THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH. AT THE SAME TIME, IT WOULDN'T HURT TO BE MORE SPECIFIC HERE AND SAY WHAT KIND OF "HEALER" SHE IS. IS SHE A HERBALIST? A PHYSICIAN? HISTORICALLY, MANY OCCUPATIONS WE THINK OF UNDER THE UMBRELLA OF "DOCTOR" WERE CONSIDERED DISTINCT. I KNOW THAT'S PEDANTIC, BUT IF YOU'VE PUT IN THE WORK CRAFTING YOUR SETTING, YOU WANT TO SHOW IT OFF. who believes in medicine, not magic, even while possessing a second sight she can't fully explain. So when a talisman and a thousand-year-old prophecy choose Reina to reawaken an ancient magic and find a way to end a war, she must reconcile her beliefs and learn to master the magic. "MAGIC" FEELS REPETITIVE HERE. MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE "MASTER HER NEW ABILITIES"? Reluctant to accept help, Reina’s only company on her journey is her estranged and mysterious I'D CUT, "AND MYSTERIOUS" childhood friend, Quinn D’Arturio, and a dashing captain who claims to be her protector. There’s just one problem with her new companions. They, too, are featured in the prophecy. But what woman wants a suitor, let alone two, when she’s busy defeating an evil general, ending a war, finding the true king, and rightfully seating him on the throne? YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC. I DON'T GET A SENSE OF WHERE (OR WHEN) SHE IS, WHAT THE WAR IS SHE'S SUPPOSED TO STOP, OR ANYTHING ABOUT HER AS A PERSON. IS THE WAR BETWEEN THE ITALIAN CITY-STATES? THIS ALTERNATE WORLDS ELEMENT, I THINK, IS WHAT SELLS THIS, SO YOU NEED TO GO INTO DETAIL ABOUT WHAT THAT WORLD IS. SOMETHING LIKE, "MOREINA HAS BEEN CHOSEN TO BARTER PEACE BETWEEN THE WARRING CITY-STATES OF NAPLES AND MILAN . . ." APOLOGIES FOR MY TERRIBLE EXAMPLE, BUT I WANTED TO SHOW HOW DETAIL COULD BE WOVEN INTO THE QUERY WITHOUT DISTRACTING FROM WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY.

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    Replies
    1. 2/2

      A Thousand Years to Wait, a 99,000 word fantasy, is the second novel I’ve completed, but the first I’ve written with the intention of doing something other than stashing in a desk drawer. I'D CUT EVERYTHING AFTER "FANTASY." YOU COULD EVEN COMBINE THE WORD COUNT WITH YOUR FIRST PARAGRAPH. While I have degrees in subjects completely unrelated to creative writing, writing has long been my true passion. I WOULD MENTION WHAT YOUR DEGREES ARE, IF THEY'RE RELEVANT TO THE NOVEL. IT SHOWS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. I WOULD CUT ALL THE STUFF ABOUT WRITING. MOST WRITERS HAVE A SIMILAR STORY, AND GENERALLY IT'S FROWNED UPON TO INCLUDE IT. Growing up, I was strongly influenced by the world-building talents of Anne McCaffrey and C.S. Friedman and quickly fell in love with both dragons and magic. Comparable titles might include Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass or White Hart by Sarah Dalton. As requested, I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript and a synopsis below. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or full manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon. THIS LAST BIT IS GOOD, BUT I'D PHRASE THE COMPS IN TERMS OF YOUR MS. "A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAIT WILL APPEAL TO FANS OF X AND X, AND IS STYLISTICALLY SIMILAR TO THE WORK OF X AND X."


      Best Regards,


      Your story sounds fascinating, but you need to bring more to the table with this query. I don't get much of a sense of conflict, aside from a vague displeasure that Moreina has with her task (and the love triangle). There needs to be more of a sense of place, time, conflict, and character. I know that sounds like a lot, but from your query I get the sense that you have all of those things in the MS, and it's just a matter of teasing them out.

      I hope that helps and good luck! (:

      Delete
  3. A few things. I like to understand what the book will be about in the first paragraph. There are a few hints, but some of it is a little more vague and it makes it hard to tell what's going to happen in the book.

    In the second paragraph, is Quinn also a love interest? Is this a love triangle story? Sounds like you may have some romance in your story, so if that's the case, you may want to highlight that.

    For the last paragraph, what number do you suggest to round to? The nearest 1k? 5k? 10k?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm using CAPS to set apart my comments. Take what you will and ignore the rest. Good luck with Pitch Wars!!
    ---

    Dear (Agent),(COLON HERE INSTEAD OF A COMMA)

    I hope to interest you in A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAIT, a YA alternate world fantasy featuring (EVERYTHING GETS VAGUE AFTER MY COMMENT HERE. YOU WANT SPECIFICS TO SET YOUR QUERY APART. THE CURRENT PHRASING DOESN'T CLUE ME INTO MUCH) a mystery of otherworldly proportions and a headstrong female protagonist with the power to solve it.

    At 18 (SPELL EIGHTEEN OUT), Moreina di Bianco is a young healer who believes in medicine, not magic, even while possessing a second sight she can't fully explain. So when a talisman and a thousand-year-old prophecy choose Reina to reawaken an ancient magic (ANCIENT MAGIC IS TOO VAGUE) and find a way to end a war, she must reconcile her beliefs and learn to master the magic (MAGIC IS VAGUE AS WELL. WHAT SETS THIS MAGIC APART FROM OTHER MAGIC SYSTEMS?). Reluctant to accept help, Reina’s only company on her journey is her estranged and mysterious (ESTRANGED IS GOOD. MYSTERIOUS FEELS OUT OF PLACE, MIGHT NEED TO CLARIFY SOMEHOW) childhood friend, Quinn D’Arturio, and a dashing captain who claims to be her protector. There’s just one problem with her new companions. They, too, are featured in the prophecy. But what woman wants a suitor, let alone two, when she’s busy defeating an evil general, ending a war, finding the true king, and rightfully seating him on the throne?(REPHRASE TO NOT BE A RHETORICAL QUESTION)

    A Thousand Years to Wait (ALL CAPS YOUR TITLE), a 99,000 word fantasy, is the second novel I’ve completed, but the first I’ve written with the intention of doing something other than stashing in a desk drawer. While I have degrees in subjects completely unrelated to creative writing, writing has long been my true passion. Growing up, I was strongly influenced by the world-building talents of Anne McCaffrey and C.S. Friedman and quickly fell in love with both dragons and magic. Comparable titles might include Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass or White Hart by Sarah Dalton. As requested, I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript and a synopsis below. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or full manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.


    Best Regards,

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't traditionally read Fantasy but my thoughts: I love the title. More details on the prophecy without saying prophecy would be good. And I agree with Michelle above about beefing up the middle, while toning down the third para. I feel the final sentence in para two glosses over the key stakes of the novel and can be expanded upon. Good luck! Sounds like an interesting story!

    ReplyDelete