Fall Query Extravaganza 18

Two queries to go and the Fall Query Extravaganza will be over. Then I'm taking a break from critiquing until after Sun versus Snow. To learn more about the Sun versus Snow query contest and a chance at a free pass, go here.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:

Sixteen-year-old Hazel wants to believe she isn’t going crazy. She wants to believe she isn’t seeing snow-tipped mountains beyond the Indiana fields or black beasts that stalk her from the shadows. But when Ethan—her boyfriend’s elusive roommate—disappears, she discovers his journal describing the same experiences…and more. Experiences more terrifying. He describes a parallel world that’s ripping him from his own and threatening to devour him.

Now when Hazel sees that mountain world, she sees Ethan there…dead. Worse, she’s hearing haunting voices, falling out of sync with time, and dreaming that someone’s torturing Ethan. The black beasts chase her, grasping for her heels, her life. The parallel world wants to destroy her next. Her boyfriend Cory recognizes that world’s growing hold on her and he’s determined to save her…except she’s not sure she wants to be saved.

WORLD’S EDGE, complete at 69,000 words, is young adult light science fiction with a contemporary setting. Though it stands alone, it has series potential. It will appeal to fans of dark science fiction worlds such as that of Fringe. It also contains a love triangle similar to Maureen Johnson’s THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH and Rick Yancey’s THE 5TH WAVE.

I graduated from Valparaiso University with dual degrees in English and biology/chemistry. I work as a flavor lab tech, which enhances my writing through intensive sensory exposure to taste and smell.

Thank you for considering WORLD’S EDGE.

Sincerely,

With comments: 

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:

Sixteen-year-old Hazel wants to believe she isn’t going crazy. (Maybe: ... wants to believe she's not crazy. Less words equals more snap.) She wants to believe she isn’t can't be seeing snow-tipped mountains beyond the Indiana fields or black beasts that stalk stalking her from the shadows. But when Ethan—her boyfriend’s elusive roommate—disappears, she discovers (filtering) his journal describes ing the same experiences…and more. Experiences more terrifying. He describes a parallel world that’s ripping him from his own and threatening to devour him. This could use some tightening.

Sixteen-year-old Hazel wants to believe she's not crazy. She can't be seeing snow-tipped mountains beyond the Indiana fields or black beast stalking her from the shadows. But when Ethan--her boyfriend's elusive roommate--disappears, his journal describes the same experiences... and more. Terrifyingly more. A parallel world's ripping him free and threatening to devour him. (Fifty-five words instead of sixty-seven. Much more snappy. It's all about the snap.)

Now when Hazel sees (filtering) that mountain world appears, she Hazel foresees Ethan there…dead. (So she's having visions or is this actually something she sees? If he's not really dead, try 'foresees.') Worse, she’s hearing haunting voices haunt her, as she falls falling out of sync with time, and dreams ing that someone’s torturing Ethan. (I thought he was dead.) The black beasts chase her, grasping for her heels, her life. The parallel world wants to destroy her next. (Why? Just her in particular or everyone?) Her boyfriend Cory recognizes that world’s growing hold on her and he’s determined to save her…except she’s not sure she wants to be saved. I'd leave Cory out of it and keep the sinker line on Hazel. Throwing him in at the last sentence makes him seem like an afterthought. If you didn't need him earlier, then you don't need him here. Your focus should be on the MC in the last sentence. 

I'm not sure I'm getting a good sense of what's happening. She's being drawn into another parallel world, but why? What factor is causing it? Also is Ethan dead or not? And what is Hazel trying to prevent from happening? Is the parallel world going to swallow up their world, making the problem a bigger threat? Or is the threat solely to Hazel?

Why wouldn't she want to be saved? The query doesn't really hint at the why. Is Ethan's disappearance her fault or does she like being chased by hounds? Maybe she wants to die for some reason, but without an explanation in the query it is just confusing.

Or maybe--after reading the rest below--, Hazel wants to vanish into the world to be with Ethan. Whichever is the case, you need to make it more clear.

Hazel can't decide whether she wants to stay in her own life with Cory or vanish into the strange new one with Ethan. Either way, she'll have to blank or blank will happen.

WORLD’S EDGE, complete at 69,000 words, is young adult light science fiction with a contemporary setting. (Personal preference but I think "Complete at 69,000 words, WORLD'S EDGE is a young adult light science fiction that stands along but has series potential" is more smooth. Putting something offset by commas is always like a stutter.) Though it stands alone, it has series potential. It will appeal to fans of dark science fiction worlds such as that of Fringe. It also contains a love triangle similar to Maureen Johnson’s THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH and Rick Yancey’s THE 5TH WAVE. (Wait, what? I didn't get any sense of this in the query. Either rework the query or ditch this sentence. It seems like... you might be trying to cast a wide net because you're not sure your query does it job. It's got a cool world, plus it's got this romance thing. That's all great to know and interesting, but it should show in the first paragraphs.)

I graduated from Valparaiso University with dual degrees in English and biology/chemistry. I work as a flavor lab tech, which enhances my writing through intensive sensory exposure to taste and smell. Using strong and interesting verbs and some descriptive adjectives will help show this also. Ethan--her boyfriend's elusive and totally sexy roommate-- That hints better at the love triangle. Then get something in earlier about Cory.

Thank you for considering WORLD’S EDGE.

Sincerely,

This query does a good job of describing the setup, but then goes off the rails a little with the stakes and motivation. A few changes to the second paragraph will get you back on track.

Contest Info at the Top!

My little tree is blanketed.

I'll save you some scrolling. If you're looking for information on Sun versus Snow, the announcement is here. If you want to enter for the FREE PASS into my Snow picks, go here.

And we are getting more snow, so here are new pictures for the snow deprived. Too bad the camera doesn't show the falling snow because, believe me, it's coming down.

My holly bush in the background is covered.

The frogs that sat on the bell are long gone.

Release Party for THE ALLIANCE

I remember when the first book of this series, The Prodigal, released. I thought I'd never seen a more beautiful cover. But the sequel looks even better. Gorgeous. 

I'm a big fan of Patrick O'Brian series about Jack Aubrey made famous in the movie Master and Commander. I can't get enough of authentic historical books about seafaring life, especially life around the time of Napoleon. I've read all twenty! 

S.K. Keogh's books have those same authentic details, full of adventure and action and with more romance. And hers are set on the American side of the Atlantic.

Here's some more about The Alliance in her own words: 

Do you like adventure? Action? Intrigue? Perhaps a touch of romance? Oh, and a historical setting? How about early colonial America? To modern readers, the historic city of Charleston, South Carolina, brings to mind Rhett Butler, Gone With The Wind, and cotton plantations. But did you know that before cotton became king in the South, rice was Charleston's  (then called Charles Town) leading exported commodity? And the slave gang labor system portrayed in stories like Gone With The Wind was preceded by a more humane task labor system?

The Alliance is my follow-up novel to my debut, The Prodigal. And while The Alliance returns readers to Jack Mallory's piratical world, it also introduces the reader more fully to Leighlin Plantation near Charles Town, Carolina, in 1692. And with new characters introduced the stakes are higher and the intrigue greater. Jack finds that his time spent on land provides its own set of challenges and that in some ways life on land can be as dangerous as a pirate’s life sea!

While The Alliance is the second book in the Jack Mallory Chronicles, it can be read as a stand-alone story. However, I believe once you have read it, you will be curious to know what happened before and what is to come after. (An excerpt from The Prodigal is included at the end of The Alliance to whet the appetite of those who haven't read the first book.)

Before I share the jacket blurb for The Alliance below, I just want to say SPOILER ALERT! for those who haven't read the first book.

Two pirates; sworn enemies. An alliance forged by blood…

Jack Mallory sailed into Carolina waters seeking vengeance upon fellow pirate James Logan, the man responsible for his father’s murder and his mother’s kidnapping. But Jack never expected his well-laid plans to be foiled by a mere child: Logan’s precocious six-year-old daughter…and half-sister to Jack. A deathbed promise to their mother inexorably binds Jack to the child and robs him—at least temporarily—of his revenge against her father.

But the two pirates’ tenuous truce will be tested when a mysterious privateer sets sail to end Logan’s devastation of Carolina’s lucrative sea trade. Will Jack choose to save his half-sister’s father or will he ally with the privateer to at last see justice served for Logan’s crimes against his own parents?

You can connect with me online at my website: skkeogh.com, or on Twitter @JackMallory, or on Facebook atwww.facebook.com/S.K.Keogh. And look for the next volume of my Jack Mallory stories in late 2014, entitled The Fortune.

I hope you join me on this journey!

Fall Query Extravaganza 17

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. Right now my queue is full.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Awesome Agent,

Fifteen-year-old Micaela “Mica” Uribe never believed in her grandmother’s tales of magic and superstition, but when a trip to Cartagena, Colombia leaves her stranded ten years in the city's past, she’s forced to believe. Soon, she’s witnessing what she’d only seen in photographs: her own baptism, her grandparents’ wedding, and her great-great-grandparents. Though she has no control, one thing is clear: Time has a message for Mica.

Then her cousin’s best friend, Gianluca Echevarría, finds her in the 1700’s, right after her interference during a slave auction goes horribly wrong. As he teaches her to navigate the intricacies of the gift, she finds herself inexplicably drawn to him—something she soon discovers lies in the collective past they share.

When her grandmother dies suddenly in the present, Mica aims to reclaim lost time by seeking her in the past. Only she’s thrust into 1586 with Gianluca, right in the middle of Sir Francis Drake’s infamous attack on Cartagena. With the only exit to the city blocked by pirates and Gianluca wounded, Mica has no choice but to finally solve the riddle—or risk losing everything and everyone she holds dear.

THROUGH THE WALLED CITY, a YA novel with magical realism elements, is a story about the power of faith and unlikely second chances. It’s complete at 56,000 words.

I’m a proud Colombian-American. During a recent trip to Cartagena, I was fascinated by its diversity and the richness of its past and knew it was the perfect setting for Mica’s story. I hold BA and MA degrees in English Literature from Florida International University and a certificate in fiction from UCLA Extension Writers’ Program. I’m also an active member of SCBWI and AWP.

Sincerely,

With comments:

Dear Awesome Agent,

Fifteen-year-old Micaela “Mica” Uribe never believed in her grandmother’s tales of magic and superstition, but when until a trip to Cartagena, Colombia leaves her stranded ten years in the city's past, she’s forced to believe. Tighten. Soon, she’s witnessing what she’d only seen in photographs (more voice) Soon, she's got an upfront seat to her own baptism, and as time yanks her farther back, her grandparents’ wedding, and meeting her great-great-grandparents. This sounds a lot more than ten years back. Is she still going backward in time? Better make that clear. Though she has no control, one thing is clear: Time has a message for Mica. This could probably go. 

Then her cousin’s best friend (Then a family friend from the present?), Gianluca Echevarría, finds her in the 1700’s, right after her interference during a slave auction goes horribly wrong. As he teaches her to navigate (maybe 'control' would be better.) the intricacies of the her gift, she's finds herself inexplicably drawn to him—something she soon discovers lies in their collective past they share. (Some filtering here that I've cut. Tighten.)

When her grandmother dies suddenly in the present, Mica aims to reclaim lost time by seeking her in the past. (How does Mica know her grandmother died if she's in the 1700s? I'm becoming a little lost. It feels like some pieces are missing here. Does the end of this sentence mean she is trying to change her grandmother's death?) Only she’s thrust into 1586 with Gianluca, right in the middle of Sir Francis Drake’s infamous attack on Cartagena. With the only exit to the city blocked by pirates and Gianluca wounded (Does she use exits to time travel? I'm not sure the exit is necessary to her. Maybe: With pirates pounding the city and Gianluca wounded,) , Mica has no choice but to finally solve the riddle—or risk losing everything and everyone she holds dear. (I find these stakes a little unclear. What does she want? What's keeping her from getting it? What will happen if she fails? Does it relate to her grandmother? Or does it relate to her shared past with Gianluca? That got lost. I do like queries that bring something from the first paragraph back into the sinker line so maybe connect back to the grandmother.) 

THROUGH THE WALLED CITY, a YA novel with magical realism elements, is a story about the power of faith and unlikely second chances. It’s complete at 56,000 words. Word count may be a little low.

I’m a proud Colombian-American. During a recent trip to Cartagena, I was fascinated by its diversity and the richness of its past and knew it was the perfect setting for Mica’s story. I hold BA and MA degrees in English Literature from Florida International University and a certificate in fiction from UCLA Extension Writers’ Program. I’m also an active member of SCBWI and AWP. Strong bio and all important credits. 

Sincerely,

What's missing here, to me, is Mica's motivation. What exactly does she want? Does she want out of here? Does she want to do more time traveling? Is family what makes her tick? Or romance?

Does she need to figure out her shared past with Gianluca or save her grandmother? Or a combo of the two?

And what sort of person is she? She's skeptical about her grandmother's tales but what else? Is she shy? Outgoing? Athletic? I'd like a better sense of her.

Win a FREE PASS Into Sun Versus Snow

FREE PASS IS CLOSED!

I had two blasts of great news last week, and I hope you'll forgive me for combining the public with the personal this once. Kinda of like combining the chocolate with the peanut butter! Let's see if I can create a tasty, fun treat! 

First off, the personal. My publisher, Divertir, agreed to lower the price of the ebook of Kindar's Cure during the holidays to make it more affordable to gift! It's now under five dollars! 

Second news, Amy Trueblood and I got so much agent interest in our query contest Sun versus Snow that we were able to announce it early! See the announcement here.

Here's the treat! Now two such exciting and fun things have to be swirled together to benefit everyone! Which is why I'm offering a FREE PASS into Sun versus Snow!

That's correct! A FREE PASS. This means your query and first pages will go directly into my fifteen SNOW picks. You will NOT have to go through the submission process. You will NOT have to be in the slush pile. Your query + first page will be seen by both mentors and agents!

Nightmare Query got over 80 requests spread among thirty entries. And many entrants in Query Kombat improved their queries and pages enough from mentors' advice to get an agent on their own.

This opportunity starts now and runs through January 6th, 2014. (2014! I can't believe it's here.) There will be one grand winner. One runner up will receive a private query + first page critique to help in contests or with querying.

Wishing you good luck and happy Holidays!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Fall Query Extravaganza 16

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. Right now my queue is full.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Ms. (Agent):

I saw on your blog that you are looking for Women’s Fiction submissions. I hope you’ll enjoy RUNNING WITH SYRINGES, my novel about a nursing student facing an important question- can she give her patients the kind of care they deserve without losing too much of herself?

The guidance counselor must have been high when she encouraged Morgan to major in psychology, because even with straight A’s, Morgan can’t find a job. Forced to find a new path, Morgan discovers a different way of making a difference: an accelerated nursing program.

Morgan loves her new career, even if an unfortunate suppository incident, a heartbeat on a very dead body, and flirting with her classmate before realizing there’s vomit in her hair make her feel closer to Nurse Ratched than Florence Nightingale. But when Morgan receives the devastating news that her favorite patient has only six months to live, she realizes that there’s more to nursing than taking vital signs and giving medication. Faced with the reality that she can’t care for people without caring about them, Morgan must find a way to maintain her own sanity, avoid flunking out of school, and somehow pass her licensing exam—all while saving lives.

Complete at 78,000 words, RUNNING WITH SYRINGES is a work of Women’s Fiction that will appeal to fans of (still trying to come up with one). It is in the spirit of the TV show Scrubs—it is the story of a nursing student using humor and friendship to survive in a hospital full of pain and death.

I am a registered nurse. My blog, Confessions of a Student Nurse (lilk8tob.wordpress.com) has attracted over 1 million hits and is listed as suggested reading in the nursing school textbook Avoiding Common Nursing Errors. Co-Author John Mohler has published in the Chicago Tribune, Sun-Times Media and Bolingbrook Reporter.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

With comments:

Dear Ms. (Agent): Great!

I saw on your blog that you are looking for Women’s Fiction submissions. (Does show you investigated them first. Appropriate if the agent prefers chit-chat in the query.) I hope you’ll enjoy RUNNING WITH SYRINGES (Great title.), my novel about a nursing student facing an important question- can she give her patients the kind of care they deserve without losing too much of herself? My advice is to make sure the setup and personal information aren't longer than the meat of the query. Focus the query about the heart the story. 

The guidance counselor must have been high when she encouraged Morgan to major in psychology, because even with straight A’s, Morgan can’t find a job. (Really like this voice! The sentence might be a tad long. I'd get some more opinions about breaking it into two at 'because.' The guidance counselor must have been high when she encouraged Morgan to major in psychology. Even with straight A's, Morgan can't find a job.) Forced to find a new path, Morgan discovers a different way of making a difference (And there's her motivation! You're showing about her.): an accelerated nursing program.

Morgan loves her new career, even if an unfortunate suppository incident, a heartbeat on a very dead body, and flirting with her classmate while sporting before realizing (used below) there’s vomit in her hair makes her feel closer to Nurse Ratched than Florence Nightingale. But when Morgan receives the devastating news that her favorite patient has only six months to live, she realizes that pushes Morgan to realize there’s more to nursing than taking vital signs and giving medication. Faced with the reality that she can’t care for people without caring about them (Maybe change for sentence variety. The reality is she can't care for people without caring about them. Morgan must maintain her sanity, avoid flunking out of school, and somehow pass her licensing exam--all while saving lives.), Morgan must find a way to maintain her own sanity, avoid flunking out of school, and somehow pass her licensing exam—all while saving lives. As her sanity seems to be the big question, maybe switch its spot with 'saving lives.' You could also cut the licensing part for brevity.  Morgan must save lives and avoid flunking out of school--all while maintaining her sanity.

Complete at 78,000 words, RUNNING WITH SYRINGES is a work of Women’s Fiction that will appeal to fans of (still trying to come up with one). I'm sure readers can help.  It is in the spirit of the TV show Scrubs—it is the story of a nursing student using humor and friendship to survive in a hospital full of pain and death.

I am a registered nurse. My blog, Confessions of a Student Nurse (lilk8tob.wordpress.com) (I'd put the link in your email signature instead of here.) has attracted over 1 million hits and is listed as suggested reading in the nursing school textbook Avoiding Common Nursing Errors. Co-Author John Mohler has published in the Chicago Tribune, Sun-Times Media and Bolingbrook Reporter.(Great bio.)

Thank you for your time and consideration,

I like the style of this query. It has humor and voice, both things that can make it stand out among the hundreds of queries an agent receives. It shows us something about the main character and also use specific details.

Announcing Sun Versus Snow!

Here we go again! Fun! Fun! Fun! Another new, big query contest to brighten your winter!

We had such an strong response from the agents that we are able to bring you this announcement much soon then we expected! In fact we were overwhelmed with agent interest!

Sun versus Snow was born because I live in Indiana among the sparkling snow, and Amy Trueblood is in Arizona basking in the sunshine. Like Heat Miser and Snow Miser, we need to determine which winter weather is the best! 

Though obviously the bright and happy white flakes are what winter is all about!


Now to the details: 

Submissions will start on Saturday, January 18th at noon Eastern time and last until 8:00 pm Eastern time on Sunday, January 19th. Entries will include title, genre, word count, full query and first 250 words. There will also be a special question to be answered about Sun or Snow. (More details in the submission post to come in January.)

We will accept Adult, NA, YA, and Middle Grade genres.

Complete and Polished manuscripts only. Do not enter a NaNoWriMo project that is not ready for agents. You manuscript must be ready to send now.

Follow us on twitter and use the hashtag #sunvssnow To enter the contest you must be followers of our blogs. (Amy is here.)

Amy and I will make 15 picks each to post. A mentor round will start bright and early on January 23th and run for five days until the 27th. Mentors and entrants will provide feedback right on the blogs in the comments. So make sure your skin is thick! (Mentor bios post to come.)

We mean for this round to be a benefit to all the participants, helpful feedback is the name of the game. Entrants must critique at least five other entries.

Then the thirty entries will be give two days to make changes and resubmit by 8:00 pm Eastern on January 29th. Entries that don't make it on time will forfeit their spot.

Amy and I will hustle like crazy to format the entries and have them up for the agent round on February 1st. Which is why we must be strict about late entries.

Now to the much awaited topic--agents! So far we have THIRTEEN  FOURTEEN FIFTEEN scheduled. (You guessed it. More information to come in the upcoming agent bio post.) But this number has and could increase!

There you have it. Most of the information you'll need to get started. If you have questions, use the comments or tweet to us under #sunvssnow. Mark your calendars. Polish your queries, and we'll see you after the holidays.

Oh, and one more thing. Look for free pass opportunities coming soon. 

Plugging Plot Holes

One of the most important tasks of a critique partner is to find and expose plot holes. That’s because, many times, a plot hole is invisible to the author. They fly right under the author’s radar and without the talent of their critique partners would escape to puzzle the general public.

I have to admit that blowing plot holes out of the water is near and dear to my heart whenever I critique. It makes me feel like a detective solving a crime. Often, it gives me that a-ha/gotcha moment. And catching misplaced commas, typos, or too many tags when you critique makes the writing better, but if you don’t catch plot holes the whole storyline can fail.

So what is a plot hole?

Simply put, a plot hole is something in a story that doesn’t add up. It’s an inconsistency. A ‘what the heck’ moment for the reader. But wait, that’s a pretty broad definition. Can’t you do better than that? How do I spot a plot hole?

I like to compare plot holes to Goldilocks’ three bears because they come in three shapes and sizes. There are baby plot holes, mommy plot holes, and daddy plot holes. Where you categorize them depends on the amount of work it takes to fix the holes.

Baby Bear Plot Holes:

These are the plot holes that are the easiest to fix and the least harmful. A snip and a slap to a few sentences and they are gone. They're also the easiest to spot because they usually deal with a detail or fact of the manuscript. Some examples:

In the opening chapter the main character might have a cat named Clair. Two chapters later the cat is suddenly named Claire or even worse, Snowball. That’s a baby bear plot hole.

In one paragraph the character is lying on a bed. In the next paragraph they’re getting out of a recliner.

It’s nighttime but suddenly the character is standing in the sunlight.

Your main character has baby brown eyes in chapter one and sly green eyes in the final scene of the book.

It’s spring, but a summer flower is blooming in the garden.

The list of baby bear plot holes could go on and on, but you get the idea. Easily fixed and easily found for critique partners who are paying attention.

Mommy Bear Plot Holes:

Mommy bear plot holes are just a tiny bit bigger and more harmful. They are the type of holes that ruin whole scenes or sometimes several chapters. Usually these plot holes mean a problem with a character’s reaction to something. A character isn’t behaving in the way they should. They aren’t acting in a fashion that is consistent or believable. They are off the scale of normal human reaction.

These types of plot holes are very common and the problem is the author completely fails to recognize them. AND THEY HAPPEN TO EVERYONE. Sometimes you only need to tweak a character’s reaction to fix the problem, but sometimes it means a total rewrite.

An example of an unnatural reaction from my own writing:

In a scene my main character is lying atop another character in the grass where they've collapsed. She’s been unconscious after being rescued from a traumatic scene and has just woken up. She wants to know what’s happened, demanding answers from her fellow character. A page later she notices she’s naked and freaks out at being seen that way. Thanks to my critique partners I now know I waited much too long to let her discover she was naked. A normal human wouldn’t ask dozens of questions and then feel a breeze over her bottom. It needed to be done sooner.

Another example of an unnatural reaction:

Your main character has just learned that zombies are real and attacking the nearby town. She naturally freaks out and is very concerned. Then change scene to the next chapter and the same character is now focused ENTIRELY on the correct clothing to wear to look nice for her hero. ALL thoughts of zombies are gone. Her motivation has totally changed from ‘save me’ to ‘kiss me.’ Usually that sort of change is not going to work unless the character is in shock, then you might pass it off by making it show that she is in compensating for her fear.

An example of inconsistency from a character:

A little exaggerated, but consider a character that reacts to any problem violently. If anyone crosses them or takes their control, that character starts swinging, either with words or fists. Suddenly that character encounters a mentor figure and immediately is all ears for their wisdom. They don’t give any lip, they don’t even act hostile. Then I say, Houston, we have a problem.

Your main character likes to spout words of wisdom her Jewish grandmother used to say to her. Suddenly instead of doing that, she’s got an Irish brogue. I call this a Mommy Bear plot hole instead of a Baby Bear because it’s going to take a little more fixing.

If you character is doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, then you probably have a Mommy Bear plot hole. If your character is acting outside their normal pattern for no reason, you have a Mommy Bear plot hole. It’s going to take a little bit of work to fix it.

Daddy Bear Plot Hole:

Obviously these are problems that cover a large section of the manuscript and will take major surgery to fix. These usually involve the plot. It’s also a little harder to find examples of these, so bear (ha!) with me.

Imagine if you will, that the dragon in Shrek shows up to save the day and eat the bad guy, Farquaad at the end, BUT you had no idea that dragons existed in this world. There were NO scenes earlier in the movie to show watchers (or readers) that dragons were involved in the story. In other words, the dragon appeared out of thin air, like a rabbit out of a hat. That is an example of a Daddy Bear Plot Hole.

If a solution or character suddenly appears to save the day, but there was no record of them in the rest of the story, you’ve made a Daddy Bear Plot Hole that will take considerable fixing.

Another example:

Your main character starts off the story motivated to achieve a goal, like a cure for a disease she's suffering. She reaches the end of the story and there's no mention of that goal any longer. It's COMPLETELY flown off her radar. I don't mean she's switched that goal for a new one (which often happens), I mean it's gone, forgotten as if it never existed. POOF. That's a Daddy Bear plot  hole.

There you have the three levels of plot holes, the small, the medium, and the ugly disaster. Like pests, they can be found and eradicated if you know what to look for.

To prove they happen to everyone, please confess your own. What’s the most embarrassing plot hole you ever created or had pointed out to you by another’s critiquing skills?

Fall Query Extravaganza 15

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. Right now my queue is full.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear (agent's name), 
 
I am hoping to interest you in my adult fantasy novel, The Deep Caller, complete at 90,000 words. 
 
Lori’s ability to locate buried artifacts borders on the supernatural—even for an expert archeologist. But excavating triggers depression, and her nightmares about a graveyard of the living grow worse. She’s abandoning archeology, even if it means breaking her grandfather’s heart and tearing her hands away from the soil that inexplicably draws her.
 
But while assisting at The British Museum’s latest exhibit, she sees the pottery shard: an artifact that looks ordinary, but then whispers her name. The exhibit opens, and she sees a man grief-struck upon seeing the shard, as though it confirms the death of a friend. Anxious to understand why the shard seems alive to her and represents death to him, she follows him—through a rip in the air. 
 
She finds herself in Ellanfri, a world threatened by a king intent on controlling the true heirs of the land. Buried in the soil are the sleeping ancestors and ancient stones that hold the secrets to stopping him, if awoken and restored by a Deep Caller. But that bloodline was destroyed hundreds of years ago. Yet as Lori unravels the story of the pottery shard, she discovers the healing power in her hands and the truth about her identity: she is a Deep Caller, and Ellanfri’s last hope. 
 
I appreciate your time! If you are interested, I would be happy to send you more chapters.  
 
Sincerely,

With some comments:

Dear (agent's name), 
 
I am hoping to interest you in my adult fantasy novel, The Deep Caller (usually titles are done in all caps or in italics), complete at 90,000 words. Solid word count level for adult fantasy.
 
Lori’s ability to locate buried artifacts borders on the supernatural—even for an expert archeologist (My computer says that's spelled wrong--archaeologist. Is there a British and American version of this word?). Interesting start! It's different! But excavating triggers depression, and her nightmares about a graveyard of the living grow worse. Curious! She’s abandoning archeology, even if it means breaking her grandfather’s heart(comma-- seems like an aside) and tearing her hands away from the soil that inexplicably draws her.
 
But while assisting at The British Museum’s latest exhibit, she seesencounters the pottery shard: an artifact that looks appears ordinary, but then whispers her name. The exhibit opens, and she sees reveals (You lost me here with the three-peat of the word 'see.' And 'she sees' is filtering. Change up those verbs and pick more active ones. Always active verbs.)  a man grief-struck upon seeing the same shard, as though it confirms (I don't think 'confirms' hits the sweet spot here. The meaning isn't exactly right. announces? proclaims? publicizes?) the death of a friend. Anxious to understand why the shard seems alive to her and represents death to him, she follows him—through a rip in the air. (Aw! It's a portal fantasy!)
 
She finds herself in Ellanfri (This is where I felt a flat note. It's lacking emotion. What does she feel? Disoriented and shocked, she finds herself reeling in a alien world threatened by a false king, intent on controlling the true heirs of the Ellanfri.), a world threatened by a king intent on controlling the true heirs of the land. Buried in the soil are the sleeping ancestors and ancient stones that hold the secrets to stopping him, if awoken and restored. by a Deep Caller (Consider cutting 'by a Deep Caller' and what goes with it. It might be my opinion only, but when we get into the realm of chosen ones, I start to lose interest. I felt more interest for Lori when she was a plain nobody, not the destined savior. The query might be more exciting with just the stakes given here. Why does she want to help Ellanfri? What's in it for Lori? What happens if she fails?). But that bloodline was destroyed hundreds of years ago. Yet as Lori unravels the story of the pottery shard, she discovers the healing power in her hands and the truth about her identity: she is a Deep Caller(I don't think we need to be told. It becomes apparent from the first mention, which is why I think it should all go. No suspense. Lori must restore the rightful rulers or ...Also consider working the grandfather back into the stakes. It's always a neat touch to bring the query back around full circle. Lori must restore the rightful rulers to return to her grandfather or ...), and Ellanfri’s last hope. 
 
I appreciate your time! Personal feeling, but I'd hold the exclamation points in the query and save them for requests. Stay business-like here and go emotional later.  If you are interested, I would be happy to send you more chapters.  I'd probably cut the last sentence as you don't want to seem needy or too anxious. Portray confidence. 
 
Sincerely,

You've got something unique going here with your concept. Lean on that feature of your query. Take out what is cliche or overdone (like the chosen one part, sorry) Work in what Lori feels about the mess she's landed in the middle of, and increase the stakes. What will happen if Lori fails?