If you want your query showcased let me know on twitter. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear Agent,
EMPIRE, NEVADA is the story of fifteen-year-old Paul Simpkins, a chubby teen with low self-esteem, whose world begins to unravel when the hometown he’s fiercely devoted to is closed by the mining company which owns and operates it.
Paul’s relationship with his parents is fractured because he believes his father, a lawyer who works for the company that owns Empire, should have done more to prevent the town’s closure. Without his close-knit group of friends to lean on, Paul begins to withdraw from the world around him.
When Paul moves to Reno with his family, he finds himself unable to cope with big-city life. Being friendless would be bad enough, but it gets even worse when Paul’s nemesis from Empire, Donnie Watson, ends up moving to Reno and attending the same school. The only solution Paul sees is to flee. He decides to get his friends from Empire and return home, but they find Empire a husk of what it once was. With no hope of making Empire his home again, Paul has to find a way to break out of his shell, or risk being a loner forever.
This story is partially based off of real events. Empire was a real town that was closed in 2011. It is a YA book that runs about 71,000 words and is somewhat similar in tone to Stephen King’s short story, ‘The Body.’
I am a middle school teacher that worked as both a bookseller and journalist. I have worked closely with editors before, and am very amenable to criticism and requests for edits/rewrites.
Thanks you for your time. I have included the first ten pages and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
With my comments:
Dear Agent, Colon! Not comma.
EMPIRE, NEVADA is the story of fifteen-year-old Paul Simpkins, a chubby teen with low self-esteem, whose world begins to unravel when the hometown he’s fiercely devoted to is closed by the mining company which owns and operates it. A bit of in-your-face telling here. Consider the difference: Fifteen-year-old Paul can handle being overweight and unable to look people in the eye, but his world unravels when the mining company closes and takes his hometown with it. Never heard of a company actually owning a town before. Interesting. Is Empire the name of the town and/or the company?
Paul’s relationship with his parents is fractured because he believes his father, a lawyer who works for the company that owns Empire, should have done more to prevent the town’s closure. Paul blames his father, an employee of the mine. Without his close-knit group of friends to lean on (You need to explain why they aren't around.) When his friends are forced to move so their parent can find jobs, Paul begins to withdraws from the world around him. (Like Yoda says, there is no 'begins,' there is only do or don't do.)
When Paul moves to Reno with his family (Oops, looks like it is the other way around. Get in that he moves above instead.), he finds himself unable to cope with big-city life. Being friendless would be is bad enough, but it gets even worse when then Paul’s nemesis from Empire, Donnie Watson, ends up moving to Reno and attending the same school. The only solution Paul sees is to flee. He decides to gets his friends from Empire and returns home, but they find Empire a husk of what it once was. understood With no hope of making Empire his home again, Paul has to find a way to break out of his shell, or risk being a loner forever. I'd like a little more about the threat the bully poses and his father here in the stakes.
This story is partially based off of real events. Empire was a real town that was closed in 2011. Not sure if you can keep the name the same if it is a real place. A question for the historical fiction writers. It is a YA book that runs about 71,000 words and is somewhat similar in tone to Stephen King’s short story, ‘The Body.’ EMPIRE, NEVADA is a YA historical fiction complete at 71,000 words and is similar in tone to Stephen King's short story, THE BODY.
I am a middle school teacher that worked as both a bookseller and journalist. I have worked closely with editors before, and am very amenable to criticism and requests for edits/rewrites. I'd probably cut the last part of this sentence and instead add where you worked with editors. What newspaper?
Thanks you for your time. I have included the first ten pages and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, Could be cut.
A little bit of rephrasing to make this more active and I think this will be great. Also don't forget to decide on a genre and include it in your query.
I've integrated your suggestions and tried to clear up things with Donnie and Paul's parents.
ReplyDeleteEmpire existed before it was taken over and operated mostly by US Gypsum. I talked to a lawyer and am pretty sure I'm fine on the name of the town. I have changed the name of the company in the novel. I don't think this qualifies as historical fiction, so I've been calling it Contemporary. The researched version felt hollow, so I added in a lot of things from my life.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you posting this and offering such helpful advice. There have been a bajillion drafts on this sucker. I've had a real hard time with it... and it still doesn't mention big things that I'd like it to.
When Paul and his friends return to Empire, one of the friends disappears and sets the town on fire. We end up finding out that the company, and Paul's father, covered up the events surrounding the friend's father's death, and bilking their family out of insurance money they were owed- all to protect the company from the damage it would have done to them.
Paul has to act to help save the town and the one person left behind to guard Empire. He then has to force his Dad to help his friend find justice.
I think all this has to stay out, as it adds a lot of information. I could be wrong.
Here are my changes so far:
Dear Agent:
Fifteen-year-old Paul can handle being overweight and unable to look people in the eye, but his world unravels when the mining company closes and takes his hometown with it.
Paul blames his father, an employee of the mine. His friends are forced to move so their parents can find jobs, and Paul moves to Reno with his family. There, he quickly finds that a new hometown is not the recipe for a fresh start his father promised.
Being friendless is bad enough, but then Paul’s nemesis from Empire, Donnie Watson, ends up attending the same school. With Donnie determined to commit social homicide, Paul finds every attempt to start a new life thwarted. Paul withdraws from the world around him, certain that he is destined to be a loser and afraid that Donnie’s harassment will only escalate. With his father focused on his job and his mother focused on making their new home perfect, the only solution Paul sees is to flee.
He gets his friends from Empire and returns home, but they find Empire a husk that has been desecrated by trespassers and claimed by birds, who feast off the refuse left behind as Empire’s residents moved. With no hope of making Empire his home again, Paul has to find a way to break out of his shell, or risk being a loner forever.
This story is partially based off real events. Empire was a real town that was closed in 2011. EMPIRE, NEVADA is a YA Contemporary complete at 71,000 words and is similar in tone to Stephen King's short story, THE BODY.
I am a middle school teacher that worked as both a bookseller and journalist for The Greenville News, where I wrote video game reviews and previews.
Thanks you for your time. I have included the first ten pages and look forward to hearing from you.
As I read this query 'The Body' or in film Stand by Me was exactly what I was thinking of. I like Michelle's advice for the hook and also his move to Reno needs to become front and center right afterward. Also more stakes why he needs to break out of his shell, is it just to have new friends? Great premise and something I would read if it is similar to The Body.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback!
DeleteI still feel a little like a poser comparing my book to something King wrote, but a few of my beta readers have all said the same thing, without me even mentioning The Body.
Now that I've lived with the story enough, I agree.
Not saying my writing is as good as King's, but the story does feel very much like that story in many ways.
Dear Agent,
ReplyDeleteEMPIRE, NEVADA is the story of fifteen-year-old Paul Simpkins, a chubby teen with low self-esteem, whose world begins to unravel when the hometown he’s fiercely devoted to is closed by the mining company which owns and operates it.
(Is there a reason why? The hook could be a bit more catchy.)
Paul’s relationship with his parents is fractured because he believes his father, a lawyer who works for the company that owns Empire, should have done more to prevent the town’s closure.
(Maybe a little too technical?)
Without his close-knit group of friends to lean on, Paul begins to withdraw from the world around him.
(How so? This seems sudden to me. )
When Paul moves to Reno with his family, he finds himself unable to cope with big-city life. Being friendless would be bad enough, but it gets even worse when Paul’s nemesis from Empire, Donnie Watson, ends up moving to Reno and attending the same school.
(Okay, maybe you should explain more about Paul’s life, rather than give us the technicalities. We know next to nothing about him or his friends. )
The only solution Paul sees is to flee. He decides to get his friends from Empire and return home, but they find Empire a husk of what it once was. With no hope of making Empire his home again, Paul has to find a way to break out of his shell, or risk being a loner forever.
(He’s fifteen…does he run away from his parents? Once again the friends… I don’t understand what you mean by get his friends from Empire.)
This story is partially based off of real events. Empire was a real town that was closed in 2011. It is a YA book that runs about 71,000 words and is somewhat similar in tone to Stephen King’s short story, ‘The Body.’
I am a middle school teacher that worked as both a bookseller and journalist. I have worked closely with editors before, and am very amenable to criticism and requests for edits/rewrites.
Thanks you for your time. I have included the first ten pages and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
(The biggest problem I see is that I’m not really sure what the book is about. Maybe you can make it a
bit clearer and cut away everything that backstory.)
Hey F.M.
ReplyDeleteIt appears a nice story. I'm little busy right now so I couldn't drop a comment, but I would definitely like to help you with the query in future. After you make the corrections, shoot me your query's latest draft on xander(dot)ironheart(at)gmail(dot)com whenever you want and I would mail you my comments. :)
I have the tiniest nitpick. In the bio you say "I am a middle school teacher that..." but it should be who. "That" implies you are not actually a person (as in that for objects like robots, or non-humans like dogs, who for people). I know plenty of people who use "that" as a subtle grammar insult when referring to people.
ReplyDeleteAnd you might want to change the bio to "I've worked as both a bookseller and a journalist, and I am currently teaching middle school." Which is slightly more active sounding.
That drove me crazy once I caught it! I've done so many drafts on this sucker. I can't believe I didn't catch that one earlier!
DeleteDo all his friends move to Reno? If you might add "and Paul is ALSO forced to move" .. etc. In my head I was thinking he's friendless because he moved to a new town and only Donnie also ends up in Reno. If they're not all in Reno, does he travel about finding them. "Paul gets his friends from Empire" is A) a bit vague and B) in my head it reads as though he retrieves his friends who are still in Empire.
ReplyDeleteI think you should leave this sentence as:
"He gets his friends from Empire and returns home, but they find Empire a husk that has been desecrated by trespassers and claimed by birds."
Otherwise, I'd love to read it.
Yeah, I'm totally removing the bit about the friends. It does confuse the query. To do justice including them, I'd have to add a ton of detail that would overwhelm the query.
DeleteThanks for the comments! If you really want to read it, email me at ncfrank23 (at) yahoo (dot) com. I am doing yet more revisions and adding a few chapters, so it will need fresh eyes soon. :)
Your novel does sound interesting! A few opinions-- I personally would leave in that his dad is a lawyer, I read your 2nd version 1st and pictured his dad as a miner, which made me wonder how he could blame him. When you first introduce Empire, I'm not sure if it is the town name, his school, or where his dad worked. Hope this helps!
ReplyDeleteKatie
I agree that this sounds interesting but my issue is, if he feels so alone, especially after moving, how is it he is able to get his *friends* together so quickly? I had the impression he didn't have much going in his life until I read the friends bit.
ReplyDeleteI'll add that it might be difficult to explain his friends turning up without the QL sounding like a synopsis, perhaps for the query, you could leave the friends bit out?
Compelling premise - definitely intrigued by could happen in Empire when the kids return! Agree that you need to leave in detail that his father is a lawyer. Also agree that you need to make it clear that a lot of his friends move to Reno as well, I was confused like Sarah on that detail. Love the phrase "social homicide." Wondering if the paragraph about Reno in the 2nd version can be summed up in a line or two... seems like a lot of detail, when the (I think) interesting part/main thrust of the story is about the journey back to Empire & what they find there. Is Donnie integral throughout the story, or just in Reno? If it's just in Reno, maybe leave his actual name out - naming him in the query signals his a big character...
ReplyDeleteGood start! Good luck!
Here is another version. I still just don't love it.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest issue is having to leave so much out. I can't reveal the third act without revealing so much that it turns into a synopsis. Every character has something going on that would need to be explained. I wish I could get into the fire and Paul having to save the person left behind to guard the town, but that would require so much more detail...
I appreciate everyone's help. But I still feel lost on this thing.
Dear Agent:
Fifteen-year-old Paul can handle being overweight and unable to look people in the eye, but his world unravels when the mining company closes and takes his hometown with it.
Paul blames his father, a lawyer who works for the mining company closing Empire. His friends are forced to move so their parents can find jobs, and Paul moves to Reno with his family. There, he quickly finds that a new hometown is not the recipe for a fresh start his father promised.
Being friendless is bad enough, but then Paul’s nemesis from Empire ends up attending the same school and is determined to commit social homicide on Paul. Finding every attempt to start a new life thwarted, Paul withdraws from the world around him, certain that he is destined to be a loser. With his father focused on his job and his mother focused on making their new home perfect, the only solution he sees is to flee.
He returns home, but finds Empire a husk that has been desecrated by trespassers and claimed by birds, who feast off the refuse left behind when Empire’s residents moved. With no hope of making Empire his home again, Paul has to find a way to break out of his shell, or risk being a loner forever.
This story is partially based off real events. Empire was a real town that was closed in 2011. EMPIRE, NEVADA is a YA Contemporary complete at 71,000 words and is similar in tone to Stephen King's short story, THE BODY.
I am a middle school teacher who worked as both a bookseller and journalist for The Greenville News, where I wrote video game reviews and previews.
Thanks you for your time. I have included the first ten pages and look forward to hearing from you.
Hello!
ReplyDeleteI was a little thrown by the “The only solution Paul sees is to flee.” Story wise I could see that’s what he does but since there is no thought process in the query it feels like an overreaction. I think if you could spin it like he convinces his old friends to come back and rejoin him as they travel back to their true home. Also it shifts from no friends, to friends, to no friends. And while that feels like a summary of my high school years in the query it feels unsmooth.
Also after seeing Michelle’s notes I agree that it needs to be active. It’s a very passive letter and you really need to hook the agent. I’m not an agent but I could see it being easy to pass on good writing that doesn’t tug at you because of its passive voice.
Half the issue is that my MC is very passive... until he makes this giant leap that ends up being rash that destroys the town he loves, almost kills someone, and reveals secrets that led to his friend burning the town down.
DeleteI'm starting to wonder if I should just try to capture the first third of the novel in the query. I hate to leave so much out, but each of the three acts are very different. His goals, motivations, and situation is very different depending on which act you are talking about.
The MC is also very passive- that's his major flaw. He feels so caught up in events that he can't control, he basically gives up all control- even over the things he can change.
It makes this book tough to query, but interesting to read. The reader has a hard time predicting what will happen.
Too bad what makes for a good book also makes for an almost impossible query.
I have probably written fifty drafts now, and each of them is weak.
:(
You just outlined the issue that's throwing you off, you're trying to outline the entire book in the query. That is NOT the query's job. The purpose of the query is to hook the reader into wanting more, to make them eager to dive into the book, not to inform them of every plot twist or turn your story/character makes. That's what the synopsis is for.
DeleteI absolutely understand and empathize here, because my first book was complex and had a lot going on, so much so it made writing a query "impossible". But I realized I had to step back and stop trying to tell the story. I suggest scrapping the query entirely--hurts so bad, but hear me out--and focus on writing a fresh one focusing on what you believe to be the main story line and ONLY the main story line.
I say start from scratch because, sometimes, working with words you already have down hinders you. You're trying to change them, thus are somewhat stuck with them. Plus, these particular words were written with the focus on the story as a whole, not on just what is needed for the query.
Words are our friends, but sometimes we have to just chuck them and start over.
Hi there! You've done a great job with the revisions. Michelle's comments were spot on, and your revised version is so much smoother.
ReplyDeleteOne major comment I have is that as I was reading the comments, the extra information you give us (particularly this: Paul has to act to help save the town and the one person left behind to guard Empire. He then has to force his Dad to help his friend find justice) shows clearer, higher stakes than simply "With no hope of making Empire his home again, Paul has to find a way to break out of his shell, or risk being a loner forever." The extra information you give us in the comments is really interesting and brings in action and danger and tangible stakes that as a reader we care about. I hope that made sense! lol
I wonder if maybe you're spending too much time in setting up the character, the move, the nemesis (does he play a part in the stakes? Or is he simply part of what makes Paul flee?). It seems (from your comments) that the story is more about what happens when Paul goes back to Empire than about what happens to him when he moves to Reno.
I'd replace "ends up" with "arrives" or a better verb. I'd also remove the repetition of "focused" in the third paragraph. You don't need it.
But you've done a great job in making the query smoother. And I love that it's partially based on a real city. I find that so interesting! Good luck!
After mine was posted here a few weeks ago, I had the same problem. I was trying to make the query into a synopsis. Focus on mc's problem, what does he want? What gets in his way? If he doesn't get what he wants what will happen? I erased mine and am taking a break. Good luck! I like your rewrite better ... The line that stops me is 'the only solution he sees is to flee'. My new thought on queries is this ... you can get feedback from one person, fix it so they like it and then find someone else who doesn't. I think they will always be constantly changing things, unable to be pinned down. Keep that sucker short and sweet, give main simple plot and leave them wanting more. Does that help? probably not, but I am as stuck as you. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting premise, but I think you've got too much going on here for a query -- his issues w/ his dad, w/ the bully, w/ the big city, etc.
ReplyDeleteJust saw your edits and like that version much better -- seems clearer and more concise, but still seems to fall a bit short at the end w/ the part about breaking out of his shell. I think you may be on to something w/ only focusing on one 'act' of the novel -- him running away to go save the city seems like a more interesting goal than just him breaking out of his shell.
Good luck!