Sunday, October 11, 2015

Contest Prep: Query Critique

As you are getting ready to submit your query for Nightmare on Query Street, I thought it might be helpful to do a few critiques to give the point of view of one of the hosts.

I'm not an agent, but I've read an awful lot of queries. I'd guess I've seen thousands in the three years I've been hosting contests. After that amount of time, you get a good feel of what stands out from the crowd.

A few writers have volunteered to offer up their queries for me to point out a few things. So here is the query without comments, so you can form your own opinion:

Lavie Streaver has many identities: castle troublemaker, reluctant bride, knight. When the war she started ends with her enemy’s unexpected surrender, Lavie obtains a new role: Hero.

But while the kingdom is at peace, Lavie struggles. She panics in crowds, she sleeps on the floor rather than a bed, and every day brings her closer to losing her temper and drawing her sword on someone who doesn’t deserve it. The only person who understands her is her friend, Harry, but he has his own troubles. The new king’s love affair with Harry puts him in conflict with his duties to the throne, and Lavie is caught between supporting the stability of the kingdom, and standing up for her closest friend.

Lavie finds herself questioning more and more of the king’s decisions. And like a scab she can’t stop picking, she returns again and again to the usurper she defeated, trying to understand his motivation for surrender. When raiders attack the coast and assassins threaten the king, Lavie knows the battle isn’t over yet, but must decide what it is she’s fighting for: king and kingdom, Harry, or her place in the new world. Because if she picks the wrong cause to champion, she could end up losing all three.

Beginning where most fantasy novels would end, HAPPILY EVER AFTER is an adult fantasy of 99,000 words featuring a strong LGBT+ cast, including an asexual lead.

Now here we go again with my comments:

Lavie Streaver has many identities: castle troublemaker, reluctant bride, knight (I don’t know that this list gives me as much personality as a descriptive sentence would. It feels rather flat to me. Here’s a guess at filling it out: Lavie Streaver started out as the castle prankster, turned into the reluctant bride of the century, and ended leading a rebellion to throw off an upstart throne usurper.) When the war she started ends with her enemy’s unexpected surrender, Lavie obtains a new role: Hero.


But while the kingdom is at peace, Lavie struggles. She panics in crowds, she sleeps on the floor rather than a bed, and every day brings her closer to losing her temper(Something snappier in tone.  blowing up?) and drawing her sword on an innocent. someone who doesn’t deserve it. The only person who understands her is her friend(Trust the reader to get this, plus you say it below.), is Harry, but he has his own troubles. The new king’s love affair with Harry puts him in conflict with his duties to the throne, and Lavie is caught between supporting the stability of the kingdom, and standing up for her closest friend.


Lavie finds herself questioning questions more and more of the king’s decisions. And like a scab she can’t stop picking, she returns again and again revisits (Really picky and subjective but I don’t care for the repeat echo of this structure.)  to the usurper she defeated, trying to understand his motivation for surrender. (I like this. This is what gets my attention. She's the hero and defeated this guy, but maybe it was the wrong way to go. Also, here’s the spot for her own troubles. Why was it possibly wrong to put the king back on the throne? And I say go with a question. Could it be …) When raiders attack the coast and assassins threaten the king, Lavie knows the battle isn’t over. yet, but She must decide what it is whether she’s fighting for: king and kingdom, Harry, or her place in the new world (I think the weak spot is we don’t have enough information about this new world. Add that above.). Because if she picks the wrong cause to champion, she could end up losing all three.


Beginning where most fantasy novels (That throws a slight twist on a tired subject, making the concept somewhat unique.) would end, HAPPILY EVER AFTER is an adult fantasy of 99,000 words featuring a strong LGBT+ cast, including an asexual lead. (Nice and concise and clean!)


What caught my eye here is that she might have initially made the wrong choice. Maybe the king wasn't her guy after all. (And hey, that phrase has a lot of personality. You might want to steal it.) But the thing I think is missing is why.

I love that this query has diversity. Right away that will attract my notice. But, I would also recommend trying to fit in some slang phrases to give this more personality. You want to stay within the mood of the manuscript, but I'd like to know more about the MC and word choice can provide that. 

Seems like to me this query is very close. It would either be a yes or a maybe for me. 


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