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Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
I'm in a great mood as I saw a new picture of my son on his knees helping to clean an elementary school's floor. Kids in Japan clean their own schools. This is a picture I must save as I'll never see him cleaning again! But it has me feeling particularly generous.
Dear Ms./Mr. (First & Last Name): I don't usually add first names. It just gives me another opportunity to misspell something. I don't need help in that area. I don't suppose there is a rule against it, however.
Angel Enael never wanted to become a demon. I'm nodding along. Who would? Which makes this hook not particularly startling. And I just got that Angel is not the mc's first name. Obviously there is some confusion with using Angel as a title before her name. Maybe: The angel, Enael, never wanted to become a demon. But I would try a hook that plays on her choosing to be a demon. I think the 'choosing' part is the most likely go to.
When the Council of Seraphim denies Enael ascension past the rank of Guardian, they say she needs “more experience” with humans. More experience? She’s been a Guardian for five centuries! Maybe if she stops her next assignment from cheating on his wife, she’ll prove herself. I'm not getting clearly whether the last sentence is sarcasm or not. I'm believe it is, but make it more clear. And if it is, she seems kind of petulant.
Kaspen guards the woman seducing Enael’s charge. He’s committed to his human’s success, certain that a life worth living must have its difficulties and temptations. His self-assuredness and intensity toward his charge intrigue Enael. While their humans struggle, she forges a bond with Kaspen she’s never had with another. Kaspen is who? I'm guessing he's a demon, because helping a guy commit adultery doesn't sound angelic. But I shouldn't have to guess. This also needs tightened. While their humans struggle, she forges a bond with Kaspen unlike any other.
When Yasva, a fallen angel from Kaspen’s past, discovers his relationship with Enael, she attacks their charges. Despite Enael’s attempts to stop her, Yasva convinces Kaspen he’s to blame and beguiles him into renouncing his wings. I don't think I would name a third character, drop the name and use "a fallen angel from Kaspen's past." There's a limit to names in a query and the general number is two. Also maybe shorten the whole paragraph and join it with the next. A jealous fallen angel attacks their charges and fools Kaspen into accepting the blame, costing him his wings. What happened to the charges exactly? Are they dead? If they're dead go with that instead of attacks.
Enael’s next assignment is waiting for her, but Kaspen suffers in hell, enslaved by a powerful demon. Enael must make a choice: To perform her sacred duty, she must surrender the angel she loves. To save him, she must become a fallen angel herself. This is a little vague to me. She gives him up, that I get. She goes to hell is the other option? This seems like a lose-lose situation.
FALLEN REDEMPTION is an adult fantasy with romantic elements. It’s complete at 106,000 words and has series potential. Word count is up there, but with fantasy the numbers vary. Some say 100K and some allow 120K. Help me out here, would you guys call this paranormal romance? It looks that way to me.
I grew up in a small town in Iowa but now live in the suburbs of Toronto with my Canadian husband and expatriate cat. I’ve worked as a banking project manager for almost ten years. Books that captured my imagination include Isaac Asimov’s The Gods Themselves, Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game series, Sylvia Browne’s The Other Side and Back, and Stephanie Meyers’ The Host. This is my debut novel. Note: that the author only uses this bio if the agent asks for one. That's the way to go. If you don't have publishing credits and they don't request one, it's best to say nothing.
Thank you for your time and consideration. Good ending and the one I use.
Sincerely, This could be cut to save space. Use a comma on the sentence above for a closing and you're good to go.
This query needs a little more work in order to entice me. I think it needs more details about their romance. Shorten the third paragraph and tighten up the rest so you can work in details about their importance to each other as a couple. Try to bring out what is unique about your story. Good luck!