To become my next participant you need only comment on the queries that come before you and contact me on twitter to volunteer for this valuable opportunity. There are no spots left, but I may do this again next month so keep commenting and ask me nicely on twitter! Chocolate bribes wouldn't hurt either.
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
Here we go with query #4:
Kindra Odion and her twin sister, Kaye, are the last living descendants of the War God, Eoin. This makes me wonder if they are human. As a side note, having two K names as close characters can lead to confusion as the reader's eye tends to pass over the names and only see the first letter. Since their father's suspicious death eight summers ago, Kindra has trained to become her tribe’s first woman warrior and her sister has trained to become a priestess. This could be tightened. Cut both 'has' and the second 'become.' Although Kindra completes the whipping ceremony to make a blood-bond with the tribe, Eoin fails to give her a warrior name. She’s determined to earn her name in battle, but her plans change when the enemy Obsidian tribe claims Kaye as restitution for the last war. To Kindra’s surprise and horror, the new chief allows them to take her sister.
When Kindra tries to follow her sistercomma she's stopped at the command of her chief, violently. If you give the details, you don't have to use violently. When Kindar tries to follow her sister, she's beaten senseless at the chief's order. Bloodthirst, aren't I? The rumors widespread at her father’s death are whispered in her ear once more. A little awkward. The widespread rumors from her father's death return. They say it was the new chief who murdered her father. It was the new chief who sold her sister to the enemy. It was the new chief—not the War God—who refused to grant her a warrior name. Kindra didn’t believe the rumors in the past, but she begins to doubt the chief. I think you need to name him. He's important enough to the query. Giving his name shows he's important from the start. And conversely, you don't really need the name of her sister.
When the Obsidian chief provides evidence that the rumors are true comma it threatens to place the tribe in his control. swing the tribe to his control? And I assume you mean her tribe. As the last Odion warrior, Kindra’s the only one who can depose the chief and save her tribe, but it will mean giving up the quest to rescue her sister, and the hope of ever becoming a named warrior.
THE NAMELESS WARRIOR is an Adult Fantasy similar to The White Mare by Jules Watson or The Light Bearer by Donna Gillespie, complete at 123,000 words. The word count is pretty high, and I don't get any fantasy vibe from the query. What are the fantasy elements? Does she have super war powers? Can the tribe fly? Do they wrestle great horned owls on a land made out of cheese? If query and genre don't seem to match it means there is something wrong with one or the other.
As I was going to Saint Ives, I meet a girl with many tribes. Tribes, chiefs, gods, who was going to Saint Ives? What I'm trying to say (stupidly) is in a fast read through, these could easily get mixed up and cause confusion. Giving her chief a name would help.
The biggest problem I have is this doesn't have anything to support fantasy. I was thinking it was historical fiction or something along those lines. As a historical fiction or thriller, it reads pretty nicely. Stakes, conflict, a villain, everything you need. As a fantasy, I'm scratching my head.
Edit: The author tells me the twin sister has wings. But the author doesn't know how to work this into the query. My first sentence suggestion would be: As the last living descendants of the war god, Eoin, Kindra Odion got his skills and her twin sister got his wings.
Other thoughts?
Kindra Odion and her twin sister, Kaye, are the last living descendants of the War God, Eoin. Since their father's suspicious death eight summers ago, Kindra has trained to become her tribe’s first woman warrior and her sister has trained to become a priestess.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea that you are working with. (And I read Michelle's notes, I really like her first sentence that she has written. I'd love to see the major conflict of the story within the first few sentences.
"Although Kindra completes the whipping ceremony to make a blood-bond with the tribe, Eoin fails to give her a warrior name. She’s determined to earn her name in battle, but her plans change when the enemy Obsidian tribe claims Kaye as restitution for the last war. To Kindra’s surprise and horror, the new chief allows them to take her sister."
There's a lot going on in these sentences. Why are you detailing the failure of the warrior name? I know this is driving force for her to prove herself, but is it her ultimate goal? Also, to add to Michelle's points, I'm finding myself going back to the beginning of the query to see who Kindra and Kaye are.
When Kindra tries to follow her sister she's stopped at the command of her chief, violently.
The rumors widespread at her father’s death are whispered in her ear once more.
They say it was the new chief who murdered her father. It was the new chief who sold her sister to the enemy. It was the new chief—not the War God—who refused to grant her a warrior name. Kindra didn’t believe the rumors in the past, but she begins to doubt the chief.
I like what you are starting here with the conflict, but I feel like this could be tightened up a bit. The repetition of "It was the new chief..." gets the point across, but I'd rather more about Kindra's choices then the rumors about the new chief.
When the Obsidian chief provides evidence that the rumors are true it threatens to place the tribe in his control.
Grammar note: When you start a sentence with a subordinating conjunction (When, because, since, especially), it needs to be followed by a comma. [If a dependent clause starts a sentence, then it must be followed by a comma and an independent clause]
As the last Odion warrior, Kindra’s the only one who can depose the chief and save her tribe, but it will mean giving up the quest to rescue her sister, and the hope of ever becoming a named warrior.
Here is her choice, I love it. Her people or her sister! Is there anyway we can move this up to the beginning of a paragraph. It really catches me. This is what I want to see to keep me reading your query.
I went to the Backspace Writer's Convention; you'd be surprised how quickly agents stop reading queries. They want that conflict within the first couple of sentences.
Your story has a great premise and a great central conflict; I'd play it up in the beginning of your query.
A great thing they taught us at the conference:
Hook (central conflict with consequences)
Book (some more of the background info)
Look (pov, word count, stuff like that)
Cook (Bio)
Can't wait to see this get published, Good Luck!!!
I’ve had the pleasure of reading the beginning of this one, and it’s pretty awesome, but I agree the query could use more specifics. My advice? Don’t worry about spoilers. Spoiler us up! Give us all the good stuff. At least, as much of the good stuff as you can cram into one query.
ReplyDeleteI’m not sure if it fits into the actual plot, but I really love Michelle’s suggestion: As the last living descendants of the war god, Eoin, Kindra got his skills and her twin sister got his wings. I also agree that giving the chief’s name would really help cut down the confusion. Also, if I recall, there were hints of a super steamy romance. I’d love a hint of that in the query.
Honestly, I’d focus less on the nuts and bolts of the small picture (Kindra getting her name) and more on the big picture. EX: Kindra had trained for eight summers to become her tribe’s first woman warrior. When she fails to receive a warrior name, she thinks things can’t get any worse. Then an enemy tribe kidnaps her twin sister, and her tribe’s new chief threatens anyone who attempts a rescue with death.
From there, you could launch into a “montage” sentence/paragraph that gives readers a taste of the action in quick bites. Something like that also might establish some of the rich fantasy world you’ve created. EX: She’ll outsmart magic-flinging enemy shamans, tame the elusive [mythical creature], and cross a valley strewn with the bones of those stupid enough to set foot on it before her.
I haven’t read enough of the book to suggest exact details, but three really strong visuals is a good rule of thumb.
Also, I love the conflict here: “As the last Odion warrior, Kindra’s the only one who can depose the chief and save her tribe, but it will mean giving up the quest to rescue her sister, and the hope of ever becoming a named warrior.” However, it’s just dawned on me. I’m imagining this book as a big rescue-her-sister adventure, but maybe that’s not what it’s about. Maybe Kindra sacrifices that quest to set up a rival camp against the new chief. Maybe she masquerades as a man to infiltrate the enemy camp and prove her chief is a traitor. A little peek at the big picture goes a long way toward shaping expectations, and shaping expectations is the absolute best way to make sure readers (and agents) aren’t disappointed.
Hope some of that helped! And good luck! The part I read really was awesome. :)
Kindra Odion and her twin sister, Kaye, are the last living descendants of the War God, Eoin. Since their father's suspicious death eight summers ago, Kindra has trained to become her tribe’s first woman warrior and her sister has trained to become a priestess. Although Kindra completes the whipping ceremony to make a blood-bond with the tribe, Eoin fails to give her a warrior name. She’s determined to earn her name in battle, but her plans change when the enemy Obsidian tribe claims Kaye as restitution for the last war. To Kindra’s surprise and horror, the new chief allows them to take her sister.
ReplyDeleteWhen Kindra tries to follow her sister she's stopped at the command of her chief, violently. (This sentence needs to be reworded.) The rumors widespread at her father’s death are whispered in her ear once more. They say it was the new chief who murdered her father. It was the new chief who sold her sister to the enemy. It was the new chief—not the War God—who refused to grant her a warrior name. Kindra didn’t believe the rumors in the past, but she begins to doubt the chief. (These could not have been rumors at the time of her father’s death. They happened afterwards. Unless I've misunderstood, this should be reworded.)
When the Obsidian chief provides evidence that the rumors are true it threatens to place the tribe in his control. (This is confusing to me. Are the new chief and the Obsidian chief working together? What would be in it for the chief?) As the last Odion warrior, Kindra’s the only one who can depose the chief and save her tribe, but it will mean giving up the quest to rescue her sister, and the hope of ever becoming a named warrior. (I’m curious as to why that would mean giving up her sister or warrior name if she got rid of the person causing the problems. )
THE NAMELESS WARRIOR is an Adult Fantasy similar to The White Mare by Jules Watson or The Light Bearer by Donna Gillespie, complete at 123,000 words.
As I was going to Saint Ives, I meet a girl with many tribes. Tribes, chiefs, gods, who was going to Saint Ives? What I'm trying to say (stupidly) is in a fast read through, these could easily get mixed up and cause confusion. Giving her chief a name would help.
The biggest problem I have is this doesn't have anything to support fantasy. I was thinking it was historical fiction or something along those lines. As a historical fiction or thriller, it reads pretty nicely. Stakes, conflict, a villain, everything you need. As a fantasy, I'm scratching my head.
Edit: The author tells me the twin sister has wings. But the author doesn't know how to work this into the query. My first sentence suggestion would be: As the last living descendants of the war god, Eoin, Kindra Odion got his skills and her twin sister got his wings.
Other thoughts?
Sounds like an interesting story. I would hope that even with the mention of wings that there is more fantasy in this story. Do the gods play an active role, or are they only the belief system of the people? I agree with giving the chief a name. I think it is quite critical that you say “Eoin fails to give her a warrior name”, but later say that wasn’t true. I think that part right there needs explaining. Also at the beginning (I think) mention that the suspicions involved the new chief.
Sorry, I accidentally left in some of Michelle's comments too.
ReplyDelete