Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear Agent,
Twelve-year old Jace Folsom may need to pay closer attention in health studies because he doesn't remember learning about sprouting wings during puberty.
He also doesn't remember hearing about a world called Aeternus where all mythical creatures have been extinct to but he is about to visit.
When one of the creatures that perform the extinctions abducts his dad, Jace, his best friend, and kid brother must go on an unusual rescue mission. Jace learns not just how to fly and master a bosk stick for defense, but what strengths lie deep within himself to save his father and this new wondrous land he now calls home.
JACE FOLSOM; EXTINCTION, complete at 48,000 words, is a middle grade, adventure- fantasy; the first in a trilogy
My thoughts:
Dear Agent, There's been a rash of these lately. A colon goes here, not a comma.
My thoughts:
Dear Agent, There's been a rash of these lately. A colon goes here, not a comma.
Twelve-year old (all in hyphens: Twelve-year-old) Jace Folsom may ('May' weakens the sentence. Remember Yoda. Do or don't do, there is no try.) needs to pay closer attention in health studies because he doesn't remember learning about sprouting wings during puberty. Tighten. because he doesn't remember puberty means sprouting wings.
He also doesn't remember hearing about a world called Aeternus(comma) where all mythical creatures have been extinct to but he is about to visit. This last part is confusing me. Do you mean the creatures are extinct in Aeternus? Because they are also extinct here on Earth. Or perhaps this should say exiled? They exiled mythical creatures from Earth to Aeternus. Maybe the rest of the query will make it more clear.
I would get rid of the 'about to visit' part and wait for us to get to that point in the query.
I think I've got it now. Maybe something like this:
He also doesn't remember hearing about a world called Aeternus. But rabbit-headed creatures (use the real thing from your story) are crossing over to Earth to create extinctions. Where'd the dinosaurs go? Well, it wasn't an asteroid after all. And now Jace and his genetic-mutation wings are next.
When one of the creatures that perform the extinctions abducts his dad, Jace, his best friend, and kid brother must go on an unusual rescue mission. Big question here. Why do the creatures want Jace's dad? It sort of sounds like they want to make dads extinct, but I'm sure that's not what you meant. It would be easier to read if you identify the creatures. When the rabbit-heads abducts Jace's dad because he's about to spill the beans, Jace and his pals must go on an unusual rescue mission. Jace learns not just how to fly (Is this the wings in the first paragraph, because I would like to see the wings explained more. Right now, it feels like your hook got lost. Why does he have wings?) and master a bosk stick for defense, but what strengths lie deep within himself to save his father and this new wondrous land he now calls home. Save from what? You haven't spelled out the danger to the new land or why Jace is now living there. Your stakes could use a reboot.
JACE FOLSOM; EXTINCTION, complete at 48,000 words, is a middle grade, adventure- fantasy; the first in a trilogy. A little rearranging. Complete at 48,000 words, JACE FOLSOM; EXTINCTION is a middle grade adventure fantasy with series potential.
I would guess this query suffers from the author being too close to the story, and trying to be short and exact. The things that got cut from the query are probably the information we needed to understand what's happening. One thing we never came back to is the wings in the first paragraph. Nor are the stakes clearly explained, or why Jace switched to a new land. Why was his dad abducted?
Don't be afraid to expand on the word count to give us these answers.
You had me with the first sentence!
ReplyDeleteThen you lost me. The second sentence makes no sense.
I need more about these mythical creatures and why they're extinct ... Is there some evil 'bad guy' doing something? Who is the 'bad guy'?
Would love more about his wings! Is he originally from the other world?
What does his dad have to do with the story? What exact danger does his dad face?
Stakes ... Is his dad going to die? Will this world explode? Has he fallen in love with this new world, found a place to fit in? Is Jace's life in danger?
Overall, nice query, just needs more info.
I hope Michelle doesn't ban me for disagreeing, but a comma after agent is okay. ;) It's more informal than a colon, sure, but a comma isn't incorrect. In fact, they'll be more focused on whether you spelled their name correctly and your book blurb. However, if in the research you find that an agent wants colons then definitely do that!
ReplyDeleteSo I LOVE your first line. Twelve-year-old is definitely all hyphenated and I agree with Michelle that "may" is too passive. Changing that to "needs" is a perfect way of making it active.
Dear Agent,
Twelve-year old Jace Folsom may need to pay closer attention in health studies because he doesn't remember learning about sprouting wings during puberty.
The second part in the second paragraph/sentence "have been extinct to but he is about to visit" is confusing. This paragraph, however, is confusing:
"When one of the creatures that perform the extinctions abducts his dad, Jace, his best friend, and kid brother must go on an unusual rescue mission. Jace learns not just how to fly and master a bosk stick for defense, but what strengths lie deep within himself to save his father and this new wondrous land he now calls home."
The sentences aren't clear, and the last one is cumbersome. At first I thought it was grammatically incorrect, but on a second reading, I see it's just the word order that makes it a little confusing. I'm left with a lot of questions, similar to the ones already asked. This is short so you have room to expand a little and clarify!
A small note: in your title, the punctuation after JACE FOLSOM (before EXTINCTION) should be a colon, NOT a semi-colon. Also, the second semi-colon leaves you with a fragment after, so replace with a comma.
I hope this helps!
Ok, I did a quick revision of the query on Michelle's notes. Here is what I came up with, please note I'm a punctuation illiterate so toss in the commas and semi-colons.
ReplyDeleteDear Agent:
Twelve-year-old Jace Folsom needs to pay closer attention in health studies because he doesn't remember learning that puberty means sprouting wings, or for that matter, a world called Aeternus in astronomy.
When a villainous Flyfolk, creatures that banishes mythical creatures to Aeternus, ambushes Jace by the family cabin, Jace is sure his whopper of story will land him in Atkins Military School. However, the Flyfolk has only one purpose - find the relative of the missing English Fairy King - Jace's dad, for his own evil plan.
Jace catches a fading glimpse of his dad as he departs the Earth, but he is not the only one watching. Merecite, a more compassionate Flyfolk, has also witnessed the abduction. Unsure why the rogue Flyfolk has taken Jace's dad, Merecite asks Jace, his best friend, and kid brother to go on an unusual rescue mission. Still, the land of Aeternus has more in store for Jace and company; Jace now finds himself sporting wings, while his friend has turned into a four-legged equine.
Jace learns not just how to fly and master a bosk stick for defense, but what strengths lie deep within himself to rescue his father and this new wondrous land he soon may call home.
Complete at 48,000 words, JACE FOLSOM; EXTINCTION is a middle grade, adventure- fantasy with series potential.
Oh! I like your revision much better! I know more of the story and I'm hooked. A few notes:
ReplyDeleteChange the first sentence to: "Twelve-year-old Jace Folsom needs to pay closer attention in school because he doesn't remember learning that puberty means sprouting wings, or for that matter, a world called Aeternus."
There's a more even parallel structure that way. Also, change punctuation in the following sentence as shown:
"However, the Flyfolk has only one purpose: find the relative of the missing English Fairy King--aka Jace's dad--for his own evil plan."
And this one, which clears up an ambiguous pronoun:
"Merecite asks Jace, along with Jace's best friend and kid brother, to go on an unusual rescue mission."
The last sentence still gives me pause, but I can't think of a suggestion right now. Maybe in the morning I'll have a fresh mind.
And one last thing, as I mentioned originally, your title should have a colon, not a semi-colon JACE FOLSOM: EXTINCTION. And close up the space between adventure-fantasy. :)
Thank you Apalessandri for the help. I'll look over that last sentence again and play with it.
ReplyDeleteDear Agent:
ReplyDeleteTwelve-year-old Jace Folsom needs to pay closer attention in health studies because he doesn't remember learning that puberty means sprouting wings, or for that matter, a world called Aeternus in astronomy.
(.... because he doesn't remember learning in health studies that puberty means sprouting wings, or that there's a world called Aeternus in his astronomy class. ) *This might make it too long, but the "for that matter" seemed a little off to me, so I'm trying to avoid it. This is a great hook, definitely caught my attention!
When a villainous Flyfolk, creatures (a creature) that banishes mythical creatures (maybe beings instead of creatures twice?) to Aeternus, ambushes Jace by the family cabin (is "by the family cabin significant?), Jace is sure his whopper of story will land him in Atkins Military School. However, the Flyfolk has only one purpose - find the relative of the missing English Fairy King - Jace's dad, for his own evil plan.
Jace catches a fading glimpse of his dad as he departs the Earth, but he is not the only one watching. Merecite, a more compassionate Flyfolk, has also witnessed the abduction. Unsure why the rogue Flyfolk has taken Jace's dad, Merecite asks Jace, his best friend, and kid brother to go (I agree with the previous poster's revision on this sentence) on an unusual rescue mission. Still, the land of Aeternus has more in store for Jace and company; Jace now finds himself sporting wings, while his friend has turned into a four-legged equine.
*the last sentence in this paragraph ties things together well
Jace learns not just how to fly and master a bosk stick for defense, but what strengths lie deep within himself to rescue his father and this new wondrous land he soon may call home.
Complete at 48,000 words, JACE FOLSOM; EXTINCTION is a middle grade, adventure- fantasy with series potential.
Sounds like an interesting story! Good luck,
Katie
Sorry I took so long!
ReplyDeleteFor the second query you gave:
The hook is really two or three sentences you stuffed together. They would be better apart and perhaps more concisely stated.
Maybe you should explain fly folk more than in an appositive. That's a bit sudden.
I think you can tighten everything up a good bit more. Some of it's awkwardly stated still and details are forced into it: Like the bosk stick thingy...and the Atkins military. Why would that put him in Atkins military school? What is Atkins Military school? I guess the kid knows he's part fairy?
Things like that. But the tale sounds intriguing, so...good luck!