Monday, November 11, 2013

Fall Query Extravaganza 9

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.

Once again my query queue is full. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:


Coby married a guy who should be dead. 
Coby knows firsthand the toll mental illness takes on families: his husband has battled mental illness for years. Even when his husband’s depression and anxiety are under control, there are still days when it all gets to be too much.
Coby's pretty sure he's prepared for just about anything life can throw at him. After all, he and his husband have been through all kinds of hell. If Coby's marriage can survive his husband's drug problems and mental illness, it can survive anything. But it might not survive the worst of their bad days. When his husband's mental illness takes a turn for the worst everything comes into question.
Two weeks on psych is just the beginning of the hell Coby and his husband will go through. Weeks of fighting and gallons of tears come to a head in a violent confrontation that leave both questioning their sanity and just how much "until death do us part" really meant.
RESCUE ME is LGBT commercial fiction complete at _____ words with series potential. I have most recently been accepted into the Elephant’s Book Press Winter Anthology with my short story ANGUISH. Thank you for your time and consideration.

With my crazy comments:
This query came with no greeting. I'm sure you know what that should look like. Other than that, the first thing I noticed was that the 1st three paragraphs all start with the same word. Not sure if that was done on purpose by the author, but it might also stick out to agents as a little odd.
Coby married a guy who should be dead. My first LGBT critique. Nice short hook, I suspect agents would read on.  
Coby knows firsthand the toll mental illness takes on families: his husband has battled mental illness for years. Hmm. As I said before, I'm not a big fan of colons in queries. Subjective thing so feel free to ignore. Also the hook made me think this is a recent love affair, but this sentence made me question that assumption. And this turn is also unexpected. I figured crime or some other violent reason for being dead.  Even when his husband’s depression and anxiety are under control, there are still days when it all gets to be Simpler and shorter to use 'is' here. You don't want to be wordy. too much.
Coby's pretty sure he's prepared for just about anything life can throw at him. Generic. Generic is dull. A specific something/detail would be more interesting. After all, he and his husband have been through all kinds of hell. Again generic or cliche. If Coby's marriage can survive his husband's drug problems and mental illness, it can survive anything. But it might not survive the worst of their bad days. When his husband's mental illness takes a turn for the worst everything comes into question. Except for the drug usage, this paragraph pretty much just restates what we've already learned. There are no specific details to drive this forward. I'm looking for new information. How do they handle it? What direction does his husband's bad days take?
Two weeks on psych is just the beginning of the hell Coby and his husband will go through. (Here we have a specific detail, but it feels like the query is stuck. We're not moving beyond what was said in the second paragraph. Why is his husband having these problems? How does Coby feel about it? What were they like together as a couple before all this happened?) Weeks of fighting and gallons of tears come to a head in a violent confrontation that leave both questioning their sanity and just how much "until death do us part" really meant. I'd like the stakes to be more specific. This seems a little weak. It could be because I normally avoid books with 'gallons of tears.' Others weigh in on this sinker line. Does it work for you? 
RESCUE ME is LGBT commercial fiction complete at _____ words with series potential. (I'm wondering if series mileage is possible from a marriage/mental illness story. Wouldn't those problems be resolved by the end of the story? I'm guessing the book isn't finished yet, thus the lack of word count.) I have most recently been accepted into the Elephant’s Book Press Winter Anthology with my short story ANGUISH. Thank you for your time and consideration. Solid standard ending and nice bio.

I'm thinking this query is only skimming the surface of the story. You need to dig deeper and give us more. Make us care about them as people. Show us what they were like as a couple before the husband spiraled into his problems. Then lead us down the road of what happens to them. How does Coby feel about it? This query should almost be in Coby's POV. Maybe try writing one from his prospective, then change it to the more distant query POV.

Also I recommend using the husband's name. There are no places or other people to confuse. It's safe to use two names for this query.

9 comments:

  1. Oh hey, I made it here first this time. Anyways! I agree that the query should have some sort of intro. One of the first things I read is that agents like to be treated like people. (Go figure right?) So a greeting of some sort with the combination of I heard you were looking for (blank) is a good lead in. While I like the idea as a whole, how you wrote it here makes it seem a little generic. I don't feel like I know them more then a LGBTA couple. Really sell that they've been through and what they now have to go through during the story. I don't mind the useage of till death do us apart but you really need to drive that feeling home. I also saw that Michelle mentioned to use the husband's name. I also thinking the same thing. You use "husband" so many times it starts to feel impersonal. After all the story is about /their/ struggle not just Coby's. Hope that helps and best of luck!

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  2. I really like the hook! As Michelle mentioned, I felt like the later paragraphs were restating what the earlier paragraphs had already said. I would use "unit or ward" after saying "two weeks on psych." And I am interested in the story, and was also hoping for more details-- what challenges (briefly) have they been through?

    Katie

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  3. Coby married a guy who should be dead. (This hook sounds great, but it isn’t fully explained in the next paragraph, so it falls flat for me. I’m expecting an accident, or something to explain why he should be dead in the next sentence)
    Coby knows firsthand the toll mental illness takes on families: his husband has battled mental illness for years. Even when his husband’s depression and anxiety are under control, there are still days when it all gets to be too much. (as others suggested, name the husband)
    Coby's pretty sure he's prepared for just about anything life can throw at him (This is vague; like what?). After all, he and his husband have been through all kinds of hell (again, what hell? You should give an example). If Coby's marriage can survive his husband's drug problems and mental illness, it can survive anything (you’re telling us this, and I’m questioning: has it really survived? at what cost?). But it might not survive the worst of their bad days (What’s a bad day?). When his husband's mental illness takes a turn for the worst everything comes into question (I’d love to know what this is? It’s vague. Does the husband try to commit suicide? Give us something).
    Two weeks on psych (on a psych ward? And who’s spending 2 wks there, Coby or the husband? For spouses, sometimes this is a relief; their partner is finally getting help, and they’re getting counseling on how to cope) is just the beginning of the hell Coby and his husband will go through. Weeks of fighting and gallons of tears come to a head in a violent confrontation (what confrontation? the stakes would be plainer if I knew what this was. There’s little someone can do when they're in a psych unit, other than assault a visitor, so what does the husband do?) that leave both questioning their sanity and just how much "until death do us part" really meant. (You haven’t given me reason to want them getting back together, or for the husband to get on the right meds/get the counseling he needs to be a partner in their relationship. If anything, I think Coby would be glad it was finally over. I feel bad for Coby, but this almost seems like an abusive relationship we as the reader would want him getting out of, regardless of the death do we part thing.)

    The series potential threw me, because I would think either the husband would get the help he needs, or the relationship would be over by the end of the book. The last thing I'd want would be to read more about Coby suffering in an abusive relationship. So, my suggestion here would be a hook of some sort that shows Coby and his partner have something good worth saving, then show Coby's anguish at how hard a relationship with someone who's mentally ill can be. That would be an interesting story.

    Best of luck with it!

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  4. The first line had me *hooked* (excuse the pun). It was short, sharp and punchy.

    Then you lost me. Here's where and how you lost me.
    (i) the first line suggested to me that the marriage had just happened but then the next paragraph made me rethink this. Whenever someone needs to rethink they tend to stop concentrating on the query.
    (ii) being generic about what the actual illness and the cause/effect of that for the husband weakened everything. Mental illness is a great topic for a novel (I think) but you need to remember, almost everyone says, almost every day, something like, "I'm so stressed" or "I can't handle the pressure" or "I'm not sleeping & am anxious about... (my job/B.F/G.F/children/parents/school/exams etc.) Without being more specific, the impact you are looking for is lost.

    I think you know that because, I get the feeling you are repeating things in the QL to place emphasis on the illness. Why not just give it a title -- trust the reader to get it... "Surfers from Bi-Polar/Chemical Imbalance/Severe ADD (whatever) then in a short sharp cutting sentence, (just like the hook) let the reader know the effect.
    (iii) this one actually stopped me reading (which I almost never do), After you referred to Coby's husband as "his husband" for the third time I didn't want to read on. There may be method in this but don't do it for the QL, you haven't got the space to explain. For me, I decided if you (the author) didn't care enough about Cobys husband to give him a name, then why should I?

    FYI, I'm not trying to be super harsh, I happen to think there is some jewel lurking in all that rambling. And I think the topic is a good one.

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  5. Thank you all for the great comments! This is a case of "sounds great in my head!" and then it doesn't work for anyone else. I debated putting the husband's name in but dropped it to keep confusion down. His name is going back in next revision =). I'll also be using all of these comments to strengthen the query and see how best to nail things down.

    The series potential thing is that I have six books of these two so far...and each book looks at a time in their life. The first one was leading right into the second one but now that I'm revising, I'm not 100% sure that's going to be the case now. Still good to know what's throwing people!

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  6. The aspect of this query that stand out for me the most is the title RESCUE ME. Who, specifically, needs rescuing? Is it Coby or the husband? (The husband's name, I agree, would be good to have in the query.) Does the husband wish for Coby to rescue him and in what way? Or is it Coby who needs the rescuing from his husband or his husband's illness or something else entirely?

    Instead of generally explaining that Coby and the husband are going through a tough time, maybe explain the title in detail (without indicating that it's the title you're explaining). I don't think, based on reading between the lines of the query, that the mental illness is the core of this story. I feel like the core is the relationship between Coby and the husband and I think that--more than the mental illness--is what would draw in readers. For example, what is hell have Coby and his husband been through? Is it just the mental illness or is there something more? Was the husband ill when they married? What makes Coby love the husband anyway?

    Make the query about Coby and the husband, not about this vague struggle they're having with mental illness. Make me love Coby and the husband so that, even from the query, I'm already invested in the two of them getting through this.

    I hope this helps. Good luck to you!

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  7. Sorry I took so long getting to critiquing. I've been so busy...

    Like everyone else was saying, it would be a little nicer to see more specifics. What kind of mental condition is it? And definitely give us the husbands name. I think he's by far important enough in the story to warrant a name in the query.

    And why should the man be dead? You never really say. At least, I never heard why.

    I kinda feel that we could use more action in the query too. Make the stakes (like Michelle said) higher.

    Also, why is it Coby's marriage? I don't know much about homosexual marriages, but shouldn't it be their marriage?

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  8. Definitely give the husband's name! I was distracted by the constant use of 'husband' instead of his name.

    Also, the hook didn't work for me. It took my mind off in one direction -- newlywed discovers his spouse's SSN belongs to someone who's dead, or something -- and never came back around to it. I also would have liked more specifics about his mental illness and his drug use.

    "takes a turn for the worst" - might want to double check this... I think the phrase is "turn for the worse." Also, here's another spot where more specifics would be great and might help explain why you think he's supposed to be dead.

    Good luck!

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  9. Coby married a guy who should be dead. ((Awesome opening. Looking forward to more,))

    Coby knows firsthand the toll mental illness takes on families: his husband has battled mental illness for years. Even when his husband’s depression and anxiety are under control, there are still days when it all gets to be too much. ((At this point I'm honestly thinking 'this is sad/dramatic and all, but...where's the part about this man--who, like everyone said, should be mentioned by name--not being dead when he should definitely be dead and all that jazz. Aside from the protagonists name, it almost sounds like two different books.))

    Coby's pretty sure he's prepared for just about anything life can throw at him. After all, he and his husband have been through all kinds of hell. If Coby's marriage can survive his husband's drug problems and mental illness, it can survive anything. But it might not survive the worst of their bad days. When his husband's mental illness takes a turn for the worst everything comes into question. ((This paragraph is an echo of the first paragraph, but then fleshed out with vague information. Been through all kinds of hell, well, everyone has been through some sort of hell, or all kinds, life is life after all. You don't have to give rock hard specifics, but something that makes the reader go 'omg, I don't know how I'd deal with that',thus making them want to see how Coby deals with it.))

    Two weeks on psych is just the beginning of the hell Coby and his husband will go through. Weeks of fighting and gallons of tears come to a head in a violent confrontation that leave both questioning their sanity and just how much "until death do us part" really meant. ((This paragraph does the same thing as the other two. When I should be hooked with the main point driving the story, I'm sort of going...but I knew that already. I wanna root for Coby and his guy, I want you as the writer to give me a reason that I need to pile their personal drama on top of mine for however many words/pages. Easier said than done, I know, but I think you're just scratching the surface of what the story's about here.))

    ((Also...why should the husband be dead, again?))

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