Wednesday, June 13, 2018

QK Round 2 Match 3: God's Dead, Now What? vs. No Heroes Here

Title: Sleight of Spirit
Word Count: 126,000
Entry Nickname: God's Dead, Now What?
Genre: High Fantasy (#ownvoices LGBT and ADHD)

Query:

Selene Areste is a student at the prestigious Arcane Institute and the only priestess of Tenebris (They/Them), the God of Beatified Darkness. Tenebris protects Selene from the tortuous enchantment laid on her when she was a young woman and in return Selene invites others to see that in darkness there is comfort, safety from predators, and respite from judgement.

All worlds have Gods, and all worlds want Gods, or so Selene thinks. But then a fellow student entreats Selene to help his home of Arcadia. There have not been Gods on Arcadia in millennia. Now that world is falling apart, with holes ripping open the fabric of reality and threatening to swallow entire cities. Offered the chance to fix an entire plane and save millions of people from oblivion, Selene agrees to attempt the ritual which will bind Tenebris to Arcadia and revitalize the dying plane.

But Arcadia itself rejects Tenebris and the encounter drives Them insane. Selene finds her once gentle God flaying the souls from any living creature They encounter. Viciously cut off from the God they love so well, Tenebris’ followers die of suicide in droves. Selene must take responsibility for her role in the disaster and determine how to save Tenebris. But as she struggles through the despair of losing her friends, her faith, and her God, Selene learns that Arcadia’s history is longer than she knew, and sometimes, save means kill.

Sleight of Spirit is a high fantasy novel told from multiple viewpoints which will appeal to fans of Magic: The Gathering stories, Diana Wynne Jones' Chrestomanci series, and anime such as Fairy Tail.

First 250: 
The official color of the healers of the Arcane Institute was white. According to the head healer, white helped him know who was bleeding. Selene suppressed a smile. In her home country, white was the color of death. The first time she’d been to the hospital she jumped every time a healer came around a corner.

I remember those days. You were so frightened. Tenebris, the God she served, spoke directly to her mind. They were a constant, gentle presence at the back of her neck.

Selene smiled. I was still afraid of the marks. She glanced at the small tattoos on her inner forearm, carved deep to punish her for using dark magic. Now I hardly think about them.

Good. Tenebris said as Selene walked to the hospice area. As it should be.

Around her, magical ether wards shimmered if she looked for them. The wards were active throughout the Institute. They were usually a communication structure, able to alert students to classes, jobs, messages and even locate people if allowed. 

In the hospital ward they did all of that, but added health alarms for heartbeats, bleeding, and fever. As she entered the brightly lit hospice, something scented the air with jasmine flowers. That was new and pleasant. Selene suspected she had Animere, the woman she was here to see, to thank. “Animere?” she called, knocking on the private door. “Did you do something to the wards?”

“You smell it?” Animere called back, and the door opened. “That’s great!”


VERSUS

Title: Following Shadows
Entry Nickname: No Heroes Here
Word Count: 93K
Genre: Adult Fantasy, OwnVoices

Query:

Kieron Lawson is a dashing hero on a quest to save the damsel in distress...in his dreams. In reality, he’s a socially awkward lord with a penchant for heroic fables and an aversion to touch. Determined to have an adventure, he makes a deal with his controlling father: in exchange for permission to travel across the Kingdom of Alros and compete in a royal tournament, which hasn’t been held in over a century, he’ll finally choose a bride.

Adventure begins before the tourney does. Chasing down a thief earns Kieron a private meeting with Princess Adelina, and when she slips into a deep sleep after being poisoned, he’s promised her hand in marriage if he can retrieve a cure from a forbidden wasteland.

But the fairytale falls apart when Kieron’s company abandons him, and the only person willing to guide him on his quest is the aforementioned thief, Eidolon—a man of masks and shadows, who inspires feelings Kieron doesn’t understand and can’t control. When Kieron’s temper and a cave-in derail the mission, he finds himself faced with a choice to be the hero and save the princess, or follow his feelings and save the thief.

FOLLOWING SHADOWS (93,000 words) is an #ownvoices adult fantasy novel with romantic overtones and strong series potential. Imagine a classic medieval fairytale, in the vein of Sleeping Beauty, except the charming prince is an asexual man on the Autism spectrum who falls for a male companion, instead of the princess he sets out to save.

First 250:

Hollowness spread through Kieron Lawson’s chest as he stared out the lancet window. Lunch had not gone well, but he couldn’t imagine why. He’d done everything by the book.

“Must you keep doing this?” asked his father, Viscount Lawson, tapping his fingers against the table.

“Why do you assume I did anything?” Kieron kept his eyes on the horizon. Cumaro’s farmlands seemed to stretch on forever. By now, he’d all but memorized every golden wheat stalk and hay bale.

“Lady Voss left in tears.”

The viscount’s methodical drumming sounded like a ticking clock.

“I don’t know why.” Kieron shrugged, thumbing his cold metal tankard. As his etiquette text dictated, he’d nodded politely as the lady spoke. He’d even made eye contact once. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Yes, that’s exactly the trouble. She says you sat silently for the majority of the meeting, staring at the wall behind her. Then when you did say something, you called her by the wrong name.”

Kieron turned away from the window. “You mean her name isn’t Liza?”

The rhythmic tapping skipped a beat. “No. Her name is not Liza. We’ve known the Voss family for years. How do you not remember the girl’s name?” The drumming intensified. “And did you have to tell her you didn’t like her dress?”

Kieron cocked his head at his father’s squat frame and frowned. “She asked if I liked it, and I said no.”

He’d answered a question when asked. What else should he have done?

14 comments:

  1. Judges, please reply here. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Queen of ThornsJune 14, 2018 at 10:22 AM

      Greetings, Kombatants! Queen of Thorns here with my critiques and votes. As ever, please bear in mind the subjective nature of all feedback and consume what you get with ample salt.

      God's Dead, Now What?

      Query: I can understand the stakes, character motivation, and get a sense of your style from your query -- three tough things to balance, so well done there. I have a question about two pieces of the query, right at the end. First, and this is of course potentially hard and personal, but worth considering: #ownvoices what? What in your personal experience is reflected in this query? On the won hand, I hate the idea of asking people to "out" parts of themselves they may not be wholly comfortable sharing; on the other, if you are trying to use your personal knowledge and lived experience as a guide and selling point for your story's authenticity, understanding what you're trying to lend that authenticity and representation to matters. I'm not sure leaving your reader in a position only to speculate about what representation you are pulling from lived experience helps you. If you feel more comfortable leaving whatever this is out of the query, then you might be better served to leave the tag out, too. Still, only you can make this call, and I wouldn't say you're necessarily "wrong" either way. It's a fraught issue. My second thought about the of your query is the "fans of Magic: The Gathering" novels might not be a helpful comp. Your others are specific and easy to imagine the texture and style of. The problem with comps that are drawn from IP written by large stables of authors is they tend to vary in style and other considerations. Chuck Wendig's treatment of STAR WARS doesn't read like Delilah Dawson's or Daniel Jose Older's and none of the three of them read like Timonthy Zahn. I haven't read the M:tG IP novels specifically, but I have to imagine the basic principle is true there, too.

      First 250: I find nothing in this first page to worry over or try to change. There is an interestingly. .. sexual? Or at least acutely intimate? sound to Tenebris' dialogue with Selune. Is that intentional?

      No Heroes Here:

      Query: So, weird question: does Kieran's aversion to touch not also make him averse to, say, the crowds, physical combat, etc., that would characterize the tournament? This isn't something I would expect you can really deal with in the query, but I'd be interested to know if his various aversions manifest in more than an asexual aversion to physical intimacy. Also, a tiny point: if Kieran is a lord, why not lead with his title? It might help set the tone a bit, especially if said title is a bit overwrought and obscure, setting us up for his lordling fatigue.

      First 250: I wasn't sure what to expect from the last paragraph of the query, but the first page delivers a sharp, funny, totally reasonable-sounding third-person limited experience that pays off on the promise of the query. It's vividly clear to the reader both why Kieran sees the situation as he does, and why Victor would be so frustrated at his behavior. Nice work!

      For the strength of the total package and especially the strong POV, I vote for No Heroes Here!

      Good luck going forward, Kombatants!

      Delete
    2. God's Dead, Now What?
      Query: High fantasy queries can be really tricky, but I think you did a great job in distilling your world down into an understandable and succinct form. I would like a bit more of a focus on Selene’s decision to bind Tenebris. Did they get a say in it? Did she know of any risks? The stakes become a bit confused and muddled at that point, I thought.

      First 250: I quite liked your opening paragraph. I thought it was very strong. I would like just a touch more setting. It doesn’t have to be much (especially in only 250 words), but I would have liked a clue or two to be able to visualize what your world looks like. The conversation between Selene and Tenebris was also very engaging.

      No Heroes Here
      Query: Great query! I especially liked the contrast between the first two lines and how much they show of Kieron’s character. That being said, I wasn’t quite sure of his character for the rest of the query. There seems to be a disconnect between someone who’s socially awkward and has an aversion to touch, to someone who’d be willing to marry someone he just met and become a prince (which would involve a lot of socializing) and who has such a temper that he nearly ruins everything. I just wasn’t sure who Kieron was by the end.

      First 250: I like how you set the scene. There’s lots of tension in this conversation. I especially liked this line: “The viscount’s methodical drumming sounded like a ticking clock.” I also really liked Kieron’s internal thoughts and how they set up his character. With this one too, though, I’d like just a few more setting details. For example, what type of room are they standing in? I couldn’t really picture it.

      These were both fantastic, but I thought Kieron’s character was slightly more vivid in the pages so victory to No Heroes Here!

      Delete
    3. Posting for Jumping Jellybean.

      God’s Dead Now What?
      Query:
      There is a lot to absorb here. It’s all fascinating and intriguing, but I’m more confused than anything. AND I don’t want to be!
      I don’t understand this enough to give you constructive feedback on how to clear this up.

      1st 250:
      Your first few lines really gave me the chills. But the last line of paragraph one had me confused again. Do healers bring death to the hospital?
      Paragraph five doesn’t give me enough. You say “around her” and then it hit me, I don’t know what’s around her. I need to be more grounded. I don’t have much of a setting. Can you add in some details so we know where she is? I can’t tell if she’s having a flashback and then we’re in the present in the hospital. Even if you let us know she’s walking down the halls of the ward while Tenebris is talking to her, that would let me know something.

      VS

      No Heroes Here
      Query:
      Premise has a great twist. The query is concise and leaves me intrigued.

      1st 250:
      I immediately like Kieron. I do think some of this is tedious. When the dad responds about Liza’s name, I’d cut “No. Her name is not Liza” and start with “We’ve known the Voss family for years.” The more subtle you make his nuances the stronger they’ll come across.

      VICTORY to No Heroes Here

      Delete
    4. God’s Dead, Now What?

      Query:
      After reading this query, I’m left feeling a bit confused. The confusion started in the opening line with this: (They/Them). And I spent the rest of the query trying to figure out what the heck that meant, and so had a hard time following everything else. I think what you’re saying is that Tenebris, this God of Beautified Darkness (which is misspelled in the query, BTW, if you’re trying to say ‘beautified’) is actually not a God, but is a collective of Gods. Is that right? If so, please consider rewording the opening line to make this clearer and not just communicating that through a vague parenthetical statement. Maybe start the query with the first line of your second paragraph (All worlds have Gods and all worlds want Gods…). Then move to the fact that Selene is a priestess for a God who prefers to be referred to as They or Them, and from there move to her trying to save Arcadia.
      The fact that Arcadia rejects Selene is interesting and provides the groundwork for some great conflict. Although gruesome, I like the part about the once-gentle God flaying the souls from living creatures. That says a lot about how off-balance things become after Selene’s attempt to save Arcadia.

      250:
      Okay, despite my confusion with the query, I really like this opening, with the Gods speaking directly to her mind. I also like the fact that white was the color of death in her home world—this shows how far out of her element she is, and puts the reader quickly into “fantasy” mode.


      No Heroes Here

      Query:
      I really liked this the last time I critiqued it, and I’m still a fan.

      250:
      I still don’t like starting with the word “hollowness”, but I won’t go over that again. See my comments from the previous round. Everything else about this is great. Good humor and good story set-up.

      Because I feel one query is currently in better shape than the other …
      Victory to NO HEROES HERE

      Delete
    5. No one of consequenceJune 16, 2018 at 12:12 PM

      God's Dead, Now What?

      Query. It's clear that you've got an interesting and complex world, and I think the worldbuilding aspects of your book come across really well in the query. What I don't get a great sense of is the conflict and the stakes. The verb you use for what the MC must do is 'must take responsibility.' That doesn't grab me as something dramatic. What does the MC have to do that's exciting, and what are the stakes if she fails?

      Your first page is really good. I love how it drops us right into the story and the worldbuilding is built in, not forced. We're introduced to the world and the god Tenebris, but we feel like we're with the main character, which is perfect.

      No Heroes Here

      The query is great. Love the first paragraph especially. While the save the princess element feels a little trite, later learning that you're overturning the trope makes it interesting. If I had to give one piece of advice, I'd say try to convey the tone of the story a bit more, as I'm currently unsure. The 'save the princess' at the beginning makes it feel light, almost farcical. Is that the tone of the book? I don't know that it's critical that you address this, but I do feel like it will help agents know what they're getting into.

      For the writing sample, I'm not in love with the opening line. Hollowness is a strange word to start with. I think you gain steam later, as the personality of the MC starts to emerge. You let that develop naturally, and I'd encourage you to let it play out even a bit slower (which might need to wait until it's no longer a contest of first 250s). The thing I think that might be missing with your initial character development (and again...hard to say in just 250 words...you may hit this later) is how the MC himself feels about his 'failure' with the young lady. As written, it reads like he thinks he did things right (which clearly he didn't.) Is that his personality? Is he unaware of his own social shortcomings? If so, then it's fine, as that's how it reads. But then, does he care? He failed, his father is unhappy...how does he feel about that? It will help us to know whether that matters to him or not, because that will go a long way in defining his character.

      This is a tough vote. The query for HEROES is definitely superior, but I give the edge in the writing sample to GODS. I think both stories have a ton of potential. Because I tend to focus on the writing over the query, I'm going to say

      VICTORY to God's Dead, Now What?

      Delete
  2. God’s Dead. Now What?

    Query:

    This sounds like a great story, but the query is a little confusing:

    The (They/Them) confused me at first. I had to skim further down, and then start at the top again after deciding it would become clear eventually.

    I would try to simplify the first paragraph. There are a lot of information and many proper names to keep up with here.

    In the second paragraph I’m thinking you should clarify why Selene agrees to do this for a fellow student (who isn’t named in the query).

    Coming to the third paragraph, the They/Them is still a bit confusing to me.

    Also, the last sentence is a bit too vague. Tell us what it is she learns about the history of Arcadia. And try to let the reader in on why save sometimes means kill.

    250 words:

    Your writing flows beautifully, but I’m still a bit confused here.

    What makes her smile in the first paragraph? Is it the “white helped him see who was bleeding”? It is a little unclear if this is something she’s thinking about or if she is just
    learning this fact. It does seem like she is just learning about it, but this seems strange since the rest of the paragraph suggests she has been in the Arcane Institute for a while.

    Be careful not to let your character react in the same way too often.
    She smiles again in the third paragraph and think about when she was afraid of her marks, but
    I thought it was the (white) color which scared her.

    Good luck!

    No Heroes Here

    Query:

    I still love your premise, and your stakes are great!

    I still wonder about who poisons the princess and why.

    And I don’t understand how Kieron’s temper and the cave-in forces him to choose between saving the princess or the thief.

    250 words:

    I love this!

    My only comment here is, maybe change the “I didn’t say anything” to “I hardly said anything”? since he does answer the dress question.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  3. God's Dead, Now What?

    I'm a bit confused on this query, mostly because of the worlds thing. Mostly, I don't understand how these multiple planets connect and how people travel between them in a fantasy setting. Is it space travel, or planar teleportation, or what? I feel like you could probably lose the (They/Them) from the first sentence. It's pretty clear from the rest of the query that they're a They, and the modern earth format pulled me out of the setting you're trying to establish.

    First 250, a great start. I love the stuff about white clothing. I'm surprised her relationship with her God is so personal, but it works. Well done setting the scene.

    -----------------------

    No Heroes Here

    I like the concept in the query, but I wonder if the tournament is necessary to bring up, since the story doesn't involve it. Otherwise, it's a good query.

    First 250, great voice and humor. It makes it clear who Kieron is and what problems he's immediately facing.

    Another one that I think the judges are gonna have a hard time with here. Great job to both.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Gods Dead, Now What? :

    This story sounds amazing!

    Query: I think these lines contradict each other. All worlds have Gods, and all worlds want Gods, or so Selene thinks. But then a fellow student entreats Selene to help his home of Arcadia. There have not been Gods on Arcadia in millennia.
    - I would also just read through the query and ask yourself if any of the details will pose a lot of questions to any agent reviewing the query. And try to remove all of these questions by adding to the query or deleting from it.


    Page:

    - I think your page is great! I didn’t really have any comments!

    No Heroes Here:

    I love this story idea!! Still can’t get over it.

    Query:
    - I would remove the part about him being ill-tempered just to make him more likeable to agents

    Page:
    -I think you made all the right changes here! I really enjoyed his character from page 1

    ReplyDelete
  5. God's Dead, Now What?

    Query: You were not kidding when you said High Fantasy. :) Usually, I'm not into that sort of thing, but the characters in your query seem human enough for me to be intrigued. But I don't want to beat a dead horse, but as a lot of others said, this is a bit confusing. When I think fantasy, I always immediately think Lord of the Rings, which just shows how limited my perspective is on the genre, but the story is simple. There's a magical ring, a giant eye wants it, and a very unlikely hero is going to hold onto it while friends help him on his journey. I've never read Tolkein's query, but that simple model may help.

    First 250:

    Much like everybody else, I do think your first 250 are stronger than your query. The idea of a hospice is very intriguing since it throws my mind into a very different realm than when I typically think of fantasy. But the world-building is really steep early on. I might focus more on the character with only a tinge of magic talk. But again, I'm not very fond with the genre. Maybe this kind of world-building early on is standard. If so, then you've done a good job. The world is definitely fully realized, even this early on.

    No Heroes Here

    Query: I know you compare your story to Sleeping Beauty, and I'm kind of getting an Enchanted vibe from this story (More so the animated part in the beginning), but that first line somehow makes me think that this story takes place in modern times for some reason. Like the character is just dreaming of a time of yore. But I do like that even with all the weird, fantasy names, the characters still seem distinctly human, so that's good.

    First 250: I love the drumming of the fingers. It already creates a sound in my head that creates tension. And while I know this might sound strange, I'd actually like another sound beside the drumming on the table, maybe to create a sort of juxtaposition. That's really my only comment. Incorporating a distinct sound, especially so early, is hard, so I hope the senses are continuously played up in this story. It makes it distinct.

    ReplyDelete
  6. GODS DEAD

    Hi there! So I find it easier to make my comments and suggested edits directly inline the query [in brackets like these]

    QUERY

    Selene Areste is a student at the prestigious Arcane Institute and the only priestess of Tenebris (They/Them), the God of Beatified Darkness. Tenebris protects Selene from the tortuous enchantment laid on her when she was a young woman and in return Selene invites others to see that in darkness there is comfort, safety from predators, and respite from judgement.

    All worlds have Gods, and all worlds want Gods, or so Selene thinks. But [when] a fellow student entreats Selene to help his home of Arcadia, [she discovers no God has walked upon the kingdom/country/fill-in-the-right-word for thousands of years]. [trying to smooth out some of the sentences and vary sentence length] Now [Arcadia] is falling apart, with holes ripping open the fabric of reality and threatening to swallow entire cities. Offered the chance to fix an entire plane and save millions of people [deleted stuff here], Selene agrees to attempt the ritual which will bind Tenebris to Arcadia and revitalize the dying [dimension] [just so you don’t need to use the same word twice in the same sentence].

    But Arcadia itself rejects Tenebris and the encounter drives Them insane. Selene finds her once gentle God flaying the [soul][singular, I think] from any living creature They encounter. Viciously cut off from the God they love so well, Tenebris’ followers die of suicide in droves. Selene must take responsibility for her role in the disaster and determine how to save Tenebris. But as she struggles through the despair of losing her friends, her faith, and her God, Selene learns that Arcadia’s history is longer than she knew, and sometimes, save means kill.

    Sleight of Spirit is a high fantasy novel told from multiple viewpoints which will appeal to fans of Magic: The Gathering [Stories][capitalized?], Diana Wynne Jones' Chrestomanci series, and anime such as Fairy Tail.


    FINAL THOUGHTS

    What an interesting story/plot! Overall, the query gets across the stakes and conflicts faced by the MC. I got tripped up by some of the phrasing in the second para, so I tried to reword some stuff for clarity’s sake. Overall, nice work!

    FIRST 250

    Reads smoothly! Only have a couple nitpicks:
    -For the opening line, the double “of” makes it a bit clunky to read; could rephrase to “The official color of the healers AT the Arcane Institute was white.”
    -In the 6th para, “but added health alarms” makes it sound like the WARDS added health alarms to themselves. . . which I don’t think is what you quite mean? (Since it makes more sense that whoever set up the wards in the first place were the ones who added the alarms) Maybe consider rephrasing to something like “In the hospital ward they did all of that, but WITH ADDED FEATURES TO MONITOR heartbeats, bleeding, and fever.”

    ReplyDelete
  7. NO HEROES

    As mentioned above, I’ll be making my suggested edits and comments [in brackets like these] :D

    QUERY

    Kieron Lawson is a dashing hero on a quest to save the damsel in distress...in his dreams. [haha nice! Sets a humorous tone for the query—which I’m expecting will reflect in the story + novel itself] In reality, he’s a socially awkward lord with a penchant for heroic fables and an aversion to touch. Determined to have an adventure, he makes a deal with his controlling father: in exchange for permission to travel across the Kingdom of Alros and compete in a royal tournament, which hasn’t been held in over a century, he’ll finally choose a bride.

    Adventure begins before the tourney does. Chasing down a thief earns Kieron a private meeting with Princess Adelina, and when she slips into a deep sleep after being poisoned, he’s promised her hand in marriage if he can retrieve a cure from a forbidden wasteland.

    But the fairytale falls apart when Kieron’s company abandons him, and the only person willing to guide him on his quest is the aforementioned thief, Eidolon—a man of masks and shadows, who inspires feelings Kieron doesn’t understand and can’t control. When Kieron’s temper and a cave-in derail the mission, he finds himself faced with a choice to be the hero and save the princess, or follow his feelings and save the thief. [EXCELLENT STAKES AND CONFLICTS]

    FOLLOWING SHADOWS (93,000 words) is an #ownvoices adult fantasy novel with romantic overtones and strong series potential. Imagine a classic medieval fairytale, in the vein of Sleeping Beauty, except the charming prince is an asexual man on the Autism spectrum who falls for a male companion, instead of the princess he sets out to save. [ahaha love this closing line]

    QUERY

    Welp. I feel useless lol. Excellent job on the query! Really don’t have anything to crit here.

    FIRST 250

    Smooth reading and I got a strong feel on Kieron’s character already, so kudos! I only have one slight suggestion to make, to help delve even deeper into the MC’s head:

    “The viscount’s methodical drumming sounded like a ticking clock.”  after this line, it might be nice to have some sort of internal/external reaction from Kieron to this—ie, does the drumming annoy him? Set him on edge? Or does he find it soothing, and when the tapping skips a beat, it throws him off or something?

    ReplyDelete
  8. God’s Dead, Now What?

    Query:
    Intense and very dark, but you’ve outlined the key conflicts and stakes very well. I am confused by some of the concepts, i.e. how can a higher power (like Tenebris) be driven insane, wouldn’t They be above all that, quite literally? Or perhaps this is explained more fully as the story unfolds. And Arcadia is a plane rather than a planet? I admit, I thought this was a typo at first. Is there a clearer way to make this distinction?

    First 250:
    Nice introduction to your main character and world, instantly got a feel for the world and Selene’s sense of humor. Definitely want to read more, I wouldn’t change a thing!

    Really liked both entries, best of luck to you both!

    versus

    No Heroes Here

    Query:
    Very original, intriguing premise. Love the twists on the traditional fairy tale. Kieron is a captivating anti-hero and I found myself instantly rooting for him. Very tight and packs a punch, wouldn’t change a thing.

    First 250 words:
    Was able to get a clear sense of Kieron’s character and dilemma in just these 250 words, well done! The only thing that took me out of the story was the first line. Had trouble understanding how hollowness can spread through your chest, maybe consider rephrasing? Otherwise, really good read and I wanted to keep going!

    Great job on both entries, good luck to both!

    ReplyDelete
  9. GOD IS DEAD, NOW WHAT? feels gigantic from a read of the query. Many of these ideas are very abstract, and you clue us in on the idea that this is a multiple POV story near the end. I’ll admit that I struggled mightily to understand what you were driving at here, and I’m still not sure I’ve come to grips with all of it.
    As I understand it, this is a story with multiple inhabited worlds where people are able to cross between them somehow. Selene brings her god, Tenebris to a new world (Arcadia), but something goes wrong and her god has gone mad and begins tormenting Arcadia’s inhabitants. Or is Tenebris tormenting her followers on all worlds?
    The perspective this story is being told from is fascinating and I want to hear more. The first 250 helps to establish the relationship between Selene and Tenebris, and I think this is a great place to start your story at.
    --
    NO HEROES HERE invokes a classic fairy tale with a twist. Kieran sounds like an interesting hero, and his dilemma near the end has great potential. However, some of the information in this query seemed to contradict what you were telling me about Kieran. His aversion to touch juxtaposes strangely with his desire to participate in a royal tournament.
    Missing for me also is how Kieran feels about Adelina. Is he conflicted with feelings for both Adelina and Eidolon, or just for Eidolon? Why is he dedicated to doing this quest in the first place? I feel like some of his motivations are missing here from the query, and it’s worth revising to add them in.
    Kieran came off pretty distant and a little bit unlikeable for me in the first 250, but I have a strong feeling this is a character that’s going to grow on the reader as he himself grows during his journey.
    --
    Both of these fantasies have great character conflicts and huge potential to study their characters’ growth. This one is a bit of a coin flip for me, but on my desire to see and explore more of this world… VICTORY TO GOD IS DEAD.

    ReplyDelete