Thursday, November 14, 2013

Fall Query Extravaganza 10

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:



Dear     ,

Meet Callie. She’s eighteen, quirky, fears high heels and commitments. She also has a serious love/hate relationship with her tennis shoes.

Nine months of college down the drain, and all Callie has to show for it is her freshman thirty. But alas, life still has other crap plans for her. With a set of upcoming nuptials from hell on the horizon, for her she–devil, sister Anna, Callie is put on a strict regimen of do this do that, while relentlessly trying to avoid her once skinny–skater–boy, turned sex–god, ex best friend, Ky.

Meet Ky. He's a waste, a mechanic and a country music singer, minus the lyrics. A boy turned man with a proverbial skateboard still hung around his neck from high school days gone bad. Ky's lost, and he’d be the first to admit it. But the moment Calla Lily returns home––with cemented penis in hand––he realizes she’s exactly the muse he’s been missing.


But what do you do when life isn’t giving you what you demand of it? Well, you steal its running shoes, grab the girl of your four year long dreams, and take what’s been meant for you all along.


Well, that’s Ky’s theory anyway.
It's just too bad Callie can't stop running away long enough to realize what she needs, is him.

At 99, 694 words, Finding Her Way Back is my new adult, contemporary romance novel. Finding Her Way Back may appeal to readers who love a little bit of angst, adore second chance romances, and admire the not so perfect heroine, who has zero qualms about telling people what she thinks of them.


 I'm currently seeking representation for Finding Her Way back, and am hoping that you would be willing to take a chance on my fun-loving, hilarious characters. Per your submission guidelines I have pasted my synopsis and first five pages onto this email.

Finding Her Way Back is my fifth completed novel. Three of which are currently published through a small house entitled Sunshine Press. I am an active member of my local RWA in Moline Illinois, and a member of the Midwest Writing Center in Davenport Iowa.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

With my crazy comments:

Dear     ,  Colon for a business letter.

Meet Callie. She’s eighteen, quirky, fears high heels and commitments. She also has a serious love/hate relationship with her tennis shoes. I'm not crazy about the introduction. It's totally a subjective call, but I'd go with something like: Eighteen-year-old Callie fears high heels and commitments. She also has a serious love/hate relationship with her tennis shoes. (Hoping you explain the tennis shoe thing farther down the query. If not consider putting an adjective before tennis shoes to help explain. ugly tennis shoes or required tennis shoes)

Nine months of college down the drain, and all Callie has to show for it is her freshman thirty. But alas, life still has other crap plans for her. Great voice is why I picked this for Nightmare on Query Street. With a set of upcoming nuptials from hell on the horizon, for her she–devil, sister Anna, Callie is put on a strict regimen of do this do that, while relentlessly trying to avoid her once skinny–skater–boy, turned sex–god, ex best friend, Ky. This sentence is a mouthful. Maybe slim it down by breaking it up. With her she-devil sister Anna's nuptials from hell on the horizon, Callie is put on a strict regiment of do this and go here. Being a bridesmaid/slave makes it hard to dodge her once skinny-skater best friend, turned sex god, Ky. 

Meet Ky. Again subjective, but don't love the introduction. He's a waste (maybe cut this one and let the reader deduce it), a mechanic and a country music singer, minus the lyrics. A boy turned man with a proverbial skateboard still hung around his neck from wasted high school days gone badKy's lost, and he’d be the first to admit it. But the moment Calla Lily returns home––with cemented penis (Eh? Not sure what this means. It's possible I'm too old to get the reference. :-)) in hand––he realizes she’s exactly the muse he’s been missing.


But what do you do when life isn’t giving you what you demand of it? Well, you steal its running shoes, grab the girl of your four year long (maybe hyphen? Any English majors out there? four-year-long) dreams, and take what’s been meant for you all along.

Well, that’s Ky’s theory anyway.
It's just too bad Callie can't stop running away long enough to realize what she needs, (maybe a dash) is him.

At 99, 694 words (round to 100K or cut enough words to call it 99K), Finding Her Way Back (all capitals) is my new adult, contemporary romance novel. Finding Her Way Back It may appeal to readers who love a little bit of angst, adore second chance romances, and admire the not so perfect (hyphenate not-so-perfect) heroine, who has zero qualms about telling people what she thinks of them. (I'm on the fence about the last sentence. Your query letter should demonstrate these qualities to the reader so you don't have to list them. What is usually seen here is a comparable current book title.)


 I'm currently seeking representation for Finding Her Way back, and am hoping that you would be willing to take a chance on my fun-loving, hilarious characters. Per your submission guidelines I have pasted my synopsis and first five pages onto this email. I'd probably cut all this but the last sentence, which can fit up above. You don't want to come across as a cheerleader for your own story. Plus, you're reaching dangerous territory of telling more about the story here then you do in the paragraphs about the book. It's like you're not sure the earlier paragraphs are good enough. Give yourself credit for a strong query.

Finding Her Way Back is my fifth completed novel. Three of which are currently published through a small house entitled Sunshine Press. I am an active member of my local RWA in Moline, Illinois, and a member of the Midwest Writing Center in Davenport Iowa.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

This query already is fantastic--with tons of voice! I like how quirky details tell me something about the characters. Getting the details in there are so important. The stakes aren't huge, but for a romance they seem to fit. These characters make me want to know more about them. I'd say the query does it's job of enticing.

This story has actually got an offer from a great publisher, proving it is a strong query!  Congrats!

10 comments:

  1. In realize queries are subjective, but for me, this one did nothing except tell me Carrie dislikes her life. I do agree the voice comes through even if its a voice I personally don't like. I do see promise that the writing in the story is good. Best of luck.

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  3. I don't know a lot about the romance genre, so take this with a grain of salt!

    "quirky" - This is one of those words that I find really overused, especially in YA & NA. I don't know if this means that she wears socks with her sandals, or that she keeps a pet alligator, so I'd probably cut this and try to show her quirkiness though the voice or examples you use

    "love/hate relationship with her tennis shoes" - Is this mean to imply that she plays tennis? Or other sports? Runs (you mention running a couple times later -- maybe use "running shoes" then?)? Or just that she doesn't like any shoes at all? I'm not really sure to make of this phrase, so it doesn't really help me get a picture of her.

    "Three of which are" -- cut out the "of which"


    Sounds like it's a fun story! Good luck!

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  4. I love the voice in this query! I agree with most of what Michelle and wendynikel said. :) I personally don't mind the "Meet _____," especially since it's equal for both, BUT Michelle's suggestion is stronger. On that note, some words, like "quirky" don't really tell us much. It's so subjective, and you do a better job at showing us in the part that precedes it.

    I was a little confused with this sentence: "With a set of upcoming nuptials from hell on the horizon, for her she–devil, sister Anna, Callie is put on a strict regimen of do this do that, while relentlessly trying to avoid her once skinny–skater–boy, turned sex–god, ex best friend, Ky." And I think it boils down to it being a mouthful. I had to re-read it a couple times to get it.

    And I didn't know what this meant, either: "But the moment Calla Lily returns home––with cemented penis in hand."

    I loved this part: "But what do you do when life isn’t giving you what you demand of it? Well, you steal its running shoes, grab the girl of your four-year-long dreams, and take what’s been meant for you all along. (yes, use hyphens)

    Well, that’s Ky’s theory anyway.
    It's just too bad Callie can't stop running away long enough to realize what she needs, is him.

    Good luck with this!

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  5. Love the voice - it says quirky without having to use the word.

    The two paragraphs about Callie and Ky are good but maybe too much thrown in, for example "A boy turned man with a proverbial skateboard still hung around his neck from high school days gone bad." probably could be eliminated. The first sentence does a fine job of giving a feel for Ky. I would maybe just try to tighten a little more.

    Overall love the story concept and good luck.

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  6. I love the voice that comes through with the query! I also did not understand the line about the cement or the significance of the running shoes. I really like this sentence: It's just too bad Callie can't stop running away long enough to realize what she needs, (maybe a dash) is him. And I think a dash would work well there.

    Congrats on the offer!

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  7. Not really sure what the tennis shoes have to do with anything…though they do add to the voice.

    Last sentence of the second paragraph gets me… Too long and too many dashes.
    I
    like the description of Ky. I think it get the perfect picture of him. I’m not sure about the penis description, but…that’s just me. And I’m not sure (Underline, italicize and bold that statement) about having two perspectives in a query either.

    “But what do you do when life isn’t giving you what you demand of it? Well, you steal its running shoes, grab the girl of your four year long dreams, and take what’s been meant for you all along.”
    You might be able to put that better.

    Do be careful not to praise your book too much. It can get very dangerous…

    Overall, I think it’s pretty good.

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  8. I like that you introduce both characters, but I wonder if your MS is told from two perspectives. If so, I'm reading the query as though Callie is telling us about herself and Ky is telling us about himself. If this is right, would the characters describe themselves the way you describe them? Would Ky call himself a waste? Would Callie call herself quirky and use alas and crap in the same sentence?

    I want to know more about the story itself. You spend a lot of time introducing the characters, but I want to know what they experience. The plot sounds like it's driven by her sister's wedding and the romance between Callie and Ky, but what else happens?

    I agree with the other comments when it comes to the tennis shoes, long sentence, and penis part. I get that tennis shoes are a regional term (some people call them tennis shoes, some sneakers, some gym shoes, etc.) but are the tennis shoes an important part of the story? If they aren't important, I'd ditch them for the query. I think the others have good suggests for that one long, confusing sentence. As for the penis part, I too don't get...but I don't read much NA/romance so that might be why.

    You're obviously seeking representation for your MS since you're querying agents, so leave that out.

    As for the "Finding Her Way Back may appeal to readers who" sentence, go definite. It WILL appeal. You believe, they believe (hopefully). Also, can you include an example or two of novels that are similar to yours? I'm also querying agents, so I may not be right about this, but I've heard they like examples.

    I hope this helps. Congrats on the offer and good luck to you!

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  9. First of all, nice work! It's tough to get voice into a query when at the same time you're trying to give us all the information we need. Well done. I agree the the last sentence at the end of the second paragraph is too long, so maybe shorten/break it up like Michelle suggests. This might just be me: when we meet Ky in the third paragraph, I thought the "country singer, minus the lyrics" was hyperbole for some reason, but when I read back over it, I caught the "muse" reference and am now thinking it means he really is a country singer and Callie is the one who can finally inspire the words for his music. If that's so, maybe state it outright, since that's very romantic : )

    So awesome to hear about your offer! Congrats!

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  10. This query got an offer, yet it got so many comments. Spider sense tingling. :)
    Nice query BTW.

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