Spring Query Extravaganza - 5

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query.

My next victim willing participant:

Dear agent,

Seventeen-year-old Sierra Redstone would kill to rule the Las Vegas sorcerers. With her ability to turn anyone into a desiccated husk and no real competition, everyone but Grandfather knows she’s next in line. But when Sierra’s cousin unexpectedly develops shape-shifting powers, Sierra finds herself demoted to second place.

Desperate for an edge, she seeks out the sorcerer’s enemies: the sages.  She pretends to be a normal girl and convinces the grandmotherly-but-deadly Constance to teach her a different kind of magic. All she has to do is swear on her life to be a loyal apprentice—an oath she breaks even as she makes it.

As she learns to trust her mentor, Sierra wonders what it would be like to be one of the good guys. If she betrays Constance she could gain the power she’s always wanted, but if she betrays her clan she could become the decent person she’s already pretending to be.

            A young adult urban fantasy that’s less about teen romance and more about redemption, Bluffing, Raising, Folding is The Godfather meets Mean Girls in Las Vegas with magic.

My short story and flash fiction will be published in the United Author’s Association 2015 Anthology. I have a degree in psychology and a husband who grew up in Las Vegas.

Thank you for your Consideration,

With my added comments:

Dear agent, (First off, colon here. Second, I've changed the query to a more usual format. I really can't read a query well unless it is in this format. I'll bet agents feel the same. A query letter should be single spaced with a return between paragraphs. Never indent paragraphs in a query letter that you will send by email. You do indent paragraphs and double space any pages you attach or paste in the email for the agent.)

Seventeen-year-old Sierra Redstone would kill (After reading the whole query I wonder if you could use a more interesting word than "kill." Voice this up! Seventeen-year-old Sierra Redstone would kill to rule the Las Vegas sorcerers. And that's no exaggeration. )  to rule the Las Vegas sorcerers. With her ability to turn anyone into a desiccated husk and no real competition (Interesting. I'm wondering if this implies she has the nerve and will to do it. Maybe add that in if it's true. A heartless MC is different and different is good in a ms), everyone but Grandfather (Grandfather never gets mentioned again so I'd cut or add him below or in the last paragraph.) knows she’s next in line. But when Sierra’s cousin unexpectedly develops shape-shifting powers, Sierra finds herself demoted to second place. (A twist! This had me taking notice. I'd voice this up. Something like:  ...Sierra finds herself kicked to the curb, demoted to second place.)

Desperate for an edge, she seeks out the sorcerer’s(This confused me. Her cousin's enemies? Her people's enemies? Again, I find this different and intriguing. Maybe voice this up, too. Something like: Hell hath no fury like a sorceress scorned. Desperate for an edge ...) enemies: the sages.  She pretends to be a normal girl (human?) and convinces the grandmotherly-but-deadly Constance to teach her a different kind of magic. All she has to do is swear on her life to be a loyal apprentice—an oath she breaks even as she makes it. (She's awesome! I'd give an example of how she breaks it if you can do it in a few words.)

As she learns to trust her mentor, Sierra wonders what it would be like to be one of the good guys.(Hmm. You need to make it clear earlier in the query that sages are good/sorcerers=bad. I assumed it was just Sierra who is bad.) If she betrays Constance she could will gain the power she’s always wanted, but if she betrays her clan she could become the decent person she’s been already pretending to be.

A young adult urban fantasy that’s less about teen romance and more about redemption, Bluffing, Raising, Folding(BLUFFING, RAISING, AND FOLDING all caps because obviously your story should be bigger than the comp titles.) is The Godfather meets Mean Girls (Love this!), set in Las Vegas with magic. (There's no word count here, but this could be a WIP. When you send a query it should include the word count.) 

My short story and flash fiction (Are these two different stories? Try: One of my short stories and a piece of my flash fiction) will be published in the United Author’s Association 2015 Anthology. I have a degree in psychology and a husband who grew up in Las Vegas.

Thank you for your Consideration, (I'm not sure why "Consideration" has a capital letter. It's a little odd. Maybe a typo. ;-) 

My subjective opinion is that this query has a lot of points that catch my attention. There's a few twists and unexpected character traits. I would look at the pages. Throwing the voice of your character into the wording with some short phrases would really make this query stand out. 

Spring Query Extravaganza- 4

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My next victim willing participant:

Dear [Agent’s Name],

Seventeen-year-old Dee is a young priestess born with the Sight and the gift of “divine intuition.” The only healer-in-training in her village with any knowledge of how to care for the Fae, she believes war is brewing between the Twilight Realm and the human world. She’s already lost an eye to the conflict; to survive the coming war, she plans to keep her head down and help the Fae deal with the humans as best she can.

Then, on a trip to the city, a group of men with murder on their minds recognize her as Sight-blessed. Brutally attacked, she only survives when two Elven girls – one with a silver arm – and a black wolf come to her rescue. The silver-armed girl is Nuala, the exiled princess from one of the Fae kingdoms; the wolf is Bryon, a cursed Elven prince and Nuala’s twin brother. The other Elf is Zhenying Phoenix-Child, another disgraced royal. Though they loathe humans, honor compels them to rescue Dee. Fate forces Dee further into their lives when Bryon is injured and Dee must try to heal him, and she realizes she’s developed feelings for him…and for Nuala. Feelings both Elves can’t help but return, despite the mounting tensions between their peoples, and despite the fact that Nuala is repulsed by physical intimacy.

Dragged into the Twilight Realm and to the Elven court in order to protect the three Elves from an aging and willfully ignorant king, Dee must adapt quickly to Fae politics and new cultures while trying to balance her devotion to her God, her loyalty to Nuala as future queen, and her oaths as a healer. Too many Fae are willing to do whatever it takes to start a war – including kill a human girl – or assassinate a disgraced Elven princess in order to try and stop one.

Ken Liu’s The Grace of Kings meets Anne Bishop’s The Others in THE SILVER PRINCESS, a YA science-fantasy novel rounding off at 95,000 words. THE SILVER PRINCESS features a genderbent Irish legend (Nuada of the Silver Hand as a biracial girl) in an expansive, glittering, and dangerous Faerie world drawing on various mythologies from around the world. I saw on [your MSWL/#WeNeedDiverseBooks twitter post/etc] that you’re looking for more [LGBT+/something else]; my four main characters are people of color, and Zhenying is a phoenix-child – a transgender young woman. Nuala is biromantic/asexual, and Dee is bisexual.

Sincerely,

With my crazy comments:

Dear [Agent’s Name], (I'm going to keep beating the dead horse, so colon and not a comma.) 

Seventeen-year-old Dee is a young priestess born with the Sight and the gift of “divine intuition.” The only healer-in-training in her village with any knowledge of how to care for the Fae (Your first two sentences actually say the same thing, but the second one is much more interesting. The first makes her sound like "the chosen one" and kinda stuffy. I'd consider cutting the first.), s She believes war is brewing between the Twilight Realm and the human world. She’s already lost After already losing an eye to the conflict (And bingo! This makes her interesting!) ; to survive the coming war, she plans to keep her head down and help the Fae deal with the humans as best she can.

Then, on a trip to the city, a group of men with murder on their minds recognize her Dee as Sight-blessed. Brutally attacked, she only survives when two Elven girls (I'm a little confused that they are elves instead of Fae. I've always considered those a separate races in fantasy and the first paragraph talked about Fae.) – one with a silver arm – and a black wolf come to her rescue (I'm not sure those are details we really need. This is veering off to become more like a synopsis.). The silver-armed girl is Nuala, the exiled princess from one of the Fae kingdoms; the wolf is Bryon, a cursed Elven prince and Nuala’s twin brother. The other Elf is Zhenying Phoenix-Child, another disgraced royal. Though they loathe humans, honor compels them to rescue Dee. Fate forces Dee further into their lives when Bryon is injured and Dee must try to heal him, and she realizes she’s developed feelings for him…and for Nuala. Feelings both Elves can’t help but return, despite the mounting tensions between their peoples, and despite the fact that Nuala is repulsed by physical intimacy. (This paragraph really needs condensed and simplified. Something like:)

Dee is set upon by her own kind while traveling and rescued by three elves, including an exiled Fae princess, Nuala. Though they loathe humans, honor compels them to save her life. Dee attempts to return the favor by nursing the injured elves back to health, only to begin falling for Nuala--and her brother. Yet, the mounting tension between their people and Nuala's repulsion of physical intimacy hold them apart.    

Dragged into the Twilight Realm and to the Elven court in order to protect the three Elves from an aging and willfully ignorant king, Dee must adapt quickly to Fae politics and new cultures while trying to balance her devotion to her God, her loyalty to Nuala as future queen, and her oaths as a healer. (This sentence is HUGE! (A little election humor.) I'd break this sucker up. Dee is dragged into the Twilight Realm in order to protect her new friends. She must adapt to Fae politics and their culture, while trying to balance her religion and oaths as a healer, but most of all, get a handle on her feelings.) If she fails, too many Fae are willing to do whatever it takes to start a war – including kill a human girl or assassinate a disgraced Elven princess. in order to try and stop one.(I'm not sure the stakes you are using are the best ones for the story. You leave out Dee's feelings. And maybe it would be better to focus on getting Nuala back in line for the throne to stop the war by moving that to the last sentence.)
  

Ken Liu’s The Grace of Kings meets Anne Bishop’s The Others (This is real subjective but having the comps here makes this sentence very busy. They have the tendency to drown out your book. I would put your book first and then list the comps.) in THE SILVER PRINCESS, a YA science-fantasy novel rounding off at 95,000 words. THE SILVER PRINCESS features a genderbent Irish legend (Nuada of the Silver Hand as a biracial girl) in an expansive, glittering, and dangerous Faerie world drawing on various mythologies from around the world. I saw on [your MSWL/#WeNeedDiverseBooks twitter post/etc] that you’re looking for more [LGBT+/something else]; my four main characters are people of color, and include Zhenying is a phoenix-child – a transgender young woman. Nuala is, a biromantic/asexual, and Dee is a bisexual.

Sincerely,

The author asks how she can demonstrate that her book contains diverse characters. The best way is to include that when you describe the plot. I think the LGBT and asexual information is carrying over into the plot paragraphs. If Dee is a character of color, you might be able to work that info into the first paragraph. I would leave it to your pages to show the rest. You can continue to list the diversity at the end of your query, but I'd shorten the list and simplify it as suggested above.

I think this query would benefit the most from cutting the less important details and cleaning up some wording. Also the stakes could be made more dramatic to give the query an extra pop of excitement at the end.    

Spring Query Extravaganza 2016-- 3

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My next victim willing participant:

Dear Amazing Agent,

Thank you for considering my debut YA Horror, complete at around 68,000 words. I am a member of SCBWI and RMFW. 

CAMILLA is a PK (pastor kid), who lost faith after her prayers failed to cure her mom's cancer. When her dad, PERRY, uproots her 1400 miles away from home in upstate New York, to small town Clayette, LA, Cam decides to try a Ouija board to communicate with her mother's spirit, unleashing an unseen evil that inhabits her new house.

A mysterious break in, unexplainable sounds, and a chair that moves on its own lead Cam to believe her new house is haunted. Perry doesn't believe any of it, wonders if she's high, and on top of that gets a dog for "security". Cam was attacked by a family dog as a child and resents her dad for not understanding her phobia.

This only drives a stake between Cam and Perry, and Cam can't help but feel the new house is enjoying their animosity.

After the house hurts Perry, Cam decides to destroy the house by burning it down, so it can't harm her or anyone else's family ever again. But the house is ready for her, and it won't go quietly.

FALL OF THE SPARROW follows a grieving teenager and her dad as they fight to survive a possessed home and search for closure and forgiveness.

Thank you,

With my comments added:

Dear Amazing Agent, (Again, nit-picky advice would be to use a colon for a business letter.)

Thank you for considering my debut (There are downsides to including "debut" in your query. Some agents are going to assume that equals inexperienced. That number might be larger than the number of agents it inspires. Also, you want your title in this sentence, too. )  YA Horror, FALL OF THE SPARROW, complete at around 68,000 words. I am a member of SCBWI and RMFW. 

CAMILLA (I've seen all caps used on character names for a synopsis, but it isn't done for a query. Most YA queries include an age when the main character is introduced. Seventeen-year-old or Sixteen-year-old for example.)  is a PK (pastor kid), (Interesting.) who lost faith after her prayers failed to cure her mom's cancer. When her dad, PERRY, (Probably don't need his name. Dad's are secondary characters in YA.)  uproots her 1400 miles away (Not a necessary detail as we know it's far from NY to LA.) from home in upstate New York, to small town Clayette, LA Louisiana, Cam decides to try a Ouija board to communicate with her mother's spirit, unleashing an unseen evil that inhabits her new house.

A mysterious break in, unexplainable unexplained sounds, and a chair that moves on its own lead Cam to believe her new house is haunted. Perry Her dad doesn't believe buy (You just used believe. Never repeat a major word if you can help it.) any of it, wonders if she's high, and on top of that gets a dog for "security,".  despite Cam was being attacked by a family dog as a child and resents her dad for not understanding her phobia. (This sentence sounds very explainy. Let the reader draw their own conclusions.) 

This only drives a stake between Cam and Perry her dad, and Cam can't help but feel the new house is enjoying their animosity.(This is perhaps the creepiest part so far of the query. It's pretty mild. I would enlarge on the rift between her and her father. Does the house use that against them? That would be interesting.)

After the house hurts Perryher dad (Be specific. Breaks his leg? Causes him to fall from the roof?) , Cam decides to destroy the house by burning it down, so it can't harm her or anyone else's family ever again (Does she find out the house has a history of hurting the occupants? That could be an important fact.). But the house is ready for her, and it won't go quietly. (I'm not finding the language of this last sentence very inspiring. The wording doesn't bring horror to my mind. I wish I could give a good example, but I'm terrible at horror. Maybe just tweak the word choices but keep the idea!)

FALL OF THE SPARROW follows a grieving teenager and her dad as they fight to survive a possessed home and search for closure and forgiveness. (I think this paragraph can go. It's just repeating what the query has already told us. All the important data is above.)

Thank you,

What I like about this query is that it is very clear and easy to follow. It's not confusing, but sets out the plot coherently. That is tough to do. I think it is nearly there! 

A couple of things that the author may want to work on in two steps. First, the complexity of the story doesn't seem that deep from the query. I'm sure there is an element of Cam doubting herself, thinking she's going crazy. Some sort of struggle between her and her father. Clearly, the house hurting her father is an escalation of the conflict--so I'm glad to see that. But I think having more complex stakes would be a benefit. Maybe her mother's death comes back into play or Cam's feelings about religion undergoes a transformation. Maybe the Southern history of the house or another unique character who helps her. Her struggles to adjust in LA. Something to show added depth of the plot in just the last paragraph.

Second, I would look for verbs and language more in keeping with horror. Use the words of the query to set a mood. Once you have the basics of the query solid, start playing with the words themselves and make them reflect the creepiness of the actual story. Slip in a few creepy phrases, like unseen fingers brushing the back of her neck in icy waves. Unlike most other genre of query letter, I feel like that is so important for a good horror query. That will make the query stand out from others.

Try to work in some words unique to Louisiana and that whole bayou voodoo heritage. Make it feel more Southern. Give it a twist agents haven't seen before.  

I hope this helps. 

Getting the Submission Call with Alessandra Harris

I'm so happy to share another success story today, especially one that closely resembles my own story! And her book comes out today! Go snag a copy!

As a proud pantser, I always joke that when I try to outline my books, my characters just laugh and do what they want instead. That is very much how my publishing journey has gone, but with a great outcome.

After spending years writing my first novel about two couples trying to honor their vows while struggling with secrets, temptation, and illness, I imagined I would query agents, get rejections (of course), then get an offer of representation. The agent would sell my book at auction, resulting in a six figure advance, and happily-ever after would ensue. So excited for this all to happen, I started querying my dream agents almost as soon as I completed my final draft. Big mistake! I mainly received no response or form rejections, and after accumulating quite a few, I decided to try a different course of action.

So, I went to my first writer’s conference and literally shook with fear as I directly pitched to agents. A few agents requested pages, so I celebrated in the hotel bar afterwards, certain I was on my way. Surely the agents would fall in love with my story, and my dilemma would become choosing between multiple offers. Wrong! Though all the agents eventually rejected the pages, I did network with other writers, improve my pitch, and revise my query.

When I returned home and sent out the shiny new query, I finally got a few requests from agents. But after more rejections, I knew my story needed work. My first fifty pages were not hooking agents, but I didn’t know why.

A break came when I entered and was accepted into the writing competition, Nest Pitch. Agents requested, and though they too ended up rejecting the pages, this time I got feedback. Professional advice about why the story wasn’t working was invaluable. I stopped querying and decided to give my story a major overhaul, including hiring a professional editor.

Satisfied with the revisions, a few months later I started querying again. This time, agents were requesting partials that turned into fulls. I felt that surely an agent’s offer of representation was imminent. But after three fulls were rejected, I became dejected. And while I was so close, I was also burned out by the rejection. Since I had queried my dream agents early on, and had steadily continued to go through the list of agents over the course of a year, there literally weren’t many agents that represented women’s fiction left to query.

So instead of continuing to query, I shelved the novel. I wrote a third manuscript during NaNoWriMo and figured I’d learn from my mistakes and do everything right the next time around. After all, people always said first novels often aren’t “the one.”

But then came a plot twist. About three months after calling it quits on that novel, I went to Taco Bell, picked up a mild sauce packet, and read the words: “Why not?”  Now, for anyone else, they would have squeezed the sauce on the burrito, tossed the packet, then went on with his or her life. But see, what I haven’t mentioned is that my novel was tentatively titled, “Why Knot?”

At first, I felt that the universe was taunting me. The sauce packet was a cruel reminder of what I’d given up on. But then, I decided I’d use it as motivation. Give it a last shot. After all, people who’d read my novel had enjoyed it and thought it was an important story that needed to be told. I’d toiled for years writing it and invested money to make this novel a reality. No, I wasn’t going to give up. A friend had recently signed with a small press, and I decided I’d try something new.

After researching small presses, I submitted to Red Adept Publishing because of its great reputation and authors that have become New York Times best sellers. It was three long months of endless email checking, but when I got “The Call” offering representation, I was elated. On the call, the publisher mentioned areas of the book that needed work, and I knew that my book would be in good hands. After content and line edits, my novel, Blaming the Wind, has become the best version possible. Although it did not go as planned, my book journey has helped me learn patience, perseverance, and flexibility. Now, a year after signing, my book will be released, and I look forward to the post-publication road ahead.

 ------------------------------

Alessandra Harris writes novels that delve into real-life issues without shying away from controversial topics and reflect the diversity of the world in which she lives. After graduating from San Jose State, Alessandra volunteered as a contributing writer for CityFlight.com, a former online magazine geared toward the San Francisco Bay Area’s African American Community. Alessandra is the organizer of San Jose Writers, an eclectic group of writers in the South Bay Area, California. At home, she enjoys spending time with her husband and four wonderful children.

Brief description: Blaming the Wind delves into the lives of two couples grappling with secrets, temptation, and illness. Only time will tell if their vows are strong enough to hold them together. Coming April 19, 2016 from Red Adept Publishing.

Author Website: alessandraharris.net

Facebook: facebook.com/AlessandraHarrisAuthor

Twitter: AlessandraH17

Amazon: Blaming the Wind

Query Kombat 2016 Free Pass!

Free Pass! Free Pass!

I really love doing these! It's like a random act of kindness. It allows one person who might not have made it into the contest to have a shot at the agents. The free pass winner will skip the slush and become one of my final picks for #QueryKombat! 

One person who could use a little extra help is able to get constructive comments from the judges! 

It's the great equalizer!

And you know what? Last year I used a random generator or the rafflecopter to pick a winner, and that winner became the runner up for the WHOLE contest! Isn't that awesome. She got an agent and is now one of our judges! All from a Free Pass!

That's the way to hit it out of the ballpark!

So here we go:

I want you to leave a comment on this post about where your main character would go for a vacation. Not where they would go to escape. But where they would go to see something that interests them or to rest after everything is over. (And picking Wrigley Field is brown nosing, not that there is anything wrong with that.)

You also need to use the rafflecopter to record that you left a comment. The rafflecopter will pick the winner. There will be additional options to score more entries and raise your chances. They are options having to do with my books and that's why they are optional, but I appreciate your support! (I've been ignoring my book promo in order to, you know, invite agents and find amazing judges. Because contests are a blast!)

This free pass will stay open until May 6th. That gives you three weeks. What are you waiting for--get to entering!

AND BE SURE TO ENTER FOR LAURA'S FREE PASS ALSO!

And good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Query Kombat Submission Instructions 2016

Bloggers Laura, Michael, and Michelle are back again to bring you the fourth annual Query Kombat tournament.

The Basics

Query Kombat will host 64 kombatants in a single-elimination, tournament style query-off. Entries will go head to head(one on one) with one another until only ONE entry remains. There will be a total of six rounds in Query Kombat. 64 entries in round one, 32 in round two,16 in round three, 8 in round four, 4 in round five, and 2 in round six.

Unlike traditional tournaments, we won't be using tournament brackets. Entries will be matched up based on target audience and genre. We'll continue grouping that way until it's no longer possible.

If you secure a spot in the tournament, your query and the first 250 words of your manuscript (to the end of a complete sentence) will be pitted against another query and first 250 words. Judges will read each match-up and vote 'Victory' on the best entry. Remember, this is subjective. Considering last year, votes may come down to personal tastes.

The entry with the most ‘victories’ at the end of the round will advance to the next round until only one champion remains.

The agent round will be held after the first round. That mean the top 32 entries will make it to the agent round.

Of course, there's a twist!

The agent round will be conducted in secret. And by secret, we mean TOP SECRET. Entrants won't know who requested what—or how much—until that entrant has been eliminated from the contest.

On the plus side, winners of the first round will be able to submit and updated entry prior to the agent round. So, any feedback the judges give can be implemented before the agents see your work.

Who’s Invited to Submit:

The Query Kombat tournament is open only to unagented writers seeking representation. Your manuscript must be complete, polished, and ready to submit.

If your manuscript has already been in the agent round of another contest in the last six months, you are not eligible to participate in Query Kombat. (UPDATE: Note this doesn't apply toward Twitter Pitch events or one agent contests like Miss Snark's First Page. Only multi-agent blog contests.) Please don’t try to sneak in. The QK team includes about fifty people and a few hundreds of spectators. Someone will notice and inform us. Submissions for MG, YA, NA, and Adult works will be accepted. (Sorry no picture books or chapter books this year.) Only one entry per person. Do not attempt to submit more than one entry by using different email accounts. Again, the QK family is huge. Someone will notice.

Submission

The submission window will open May 16th at 9:00 AM Eastern time and close on May 20th at Noon.

We will have email confirmation. If you don't receive it within an hour of submitting your entry, contact us via twitter and let us know. Kontestants will be revealed on May 27th, and the tournament will kick off on June 1st.

IMPORTANT: The Query Kombat team reserves the right to disqualify any entrant at any time for any reason.If an entrant is disqualified before the agent round, an alternate will take its place. If an entrant is disqualified after the agent round, the opposing entry will automatically advance to the next round. The only time we will ever disqualify an applicant is if you say or do something to blemish the spirit of query contests. Query Kombat is supposed to be fun… 

So none of this!

In order to enter the contest you MUST follow formatting guidelines, and submit during the contest window. All entries that follow said guidelines will be considered. 

In the event that we receive more than the available 64 spots (this is highly expected), Michelle, Laura, and I will savagely attack the slush pile in attempts to build the best team. We will pick (and announce) three alternates in case a submission is disqualified.

Entries should be sent to:  QueryKombat (at) gmail (dot) com.

Formatting Guidelines:

Font: Times New Roman (or an equivalent), 12pt font, single-spaced with spaces between each paragraph. No (I repeat: NO!) indentations.

 

Subject line of the Email: A short, unique nickname for your entry [colon] your genre (audience included). Do not skip this step or your entry will be deleted. (ex. I Fell in Love with a
Ken Doll: Adult Erotica)

For the nickname, make it as unique as possible so that there are no duplicates. These will be the names used in the tournament (or an abbreviated version if it's too long) so keep it PG-13 and try to have it relate to your story in some way.

In the body of the email (with examples):

Title: Eunuchs and Politics

Name: Michael Anthony

Email address: myboyfriendwasbittenbyashark (at) gmail (dot) com.
Twitter Handle: @Michelle4Laughs

Entry Nickname: I Fell in Love with a Ken Doll

Word count: 68K

Genre: Adult Erotica

Query: 

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A KEN DOLL tells the harrowing story of Barbra B. Doll, a US senator who goes against country, family, and the Illumaniti to be with an amateur surfer with no genitalia. 

First 250 words:

Words, words, and more words.

Don't include the chapter title and please, don't stop in the middle of a. Do not include a bio or comp title.

All queries submitted are FINAL.
We will not edit them in any way, shape, or form. Please read, reread, and rereread your submission before you hit send. You have several weeks to polish your work. Take advantage of it. Competition will be fierce.


Host Blogs:

Because the immense amount of work ahead of us, the tournament will be hosted on three separate blogs. In order to enter the contest, you MUST following Michael, Michelle, and Laura's blogs (Twitter is cool too). All three blogs will host the first round and agent round. The second round will be hosted by Michelle and Laura. The third round will be hosted by Michael. The fourth round will be hosted by Laura. The fifth round will be hosted by Michelle. The final round will be hosted by Michael. Have no fear, each blog will have links to all rounds so you will not get lost.

Agents and judges will be revealed soon. (As of now we have 22 agents and 34 judges!)

Questions can be left in the comments and I'll answer them as quickly as possible.

One last thing and this is new: 

Contests are very time-consuming (we've already spent hours of time), and in order to continue hosting each year, we’re asking everyone who enters to give a $5-$10 donation when submitting. Asking for donations is one way to ensure we’re able to give you the time needed to carefully consider every entry. Chosen Kontestants receive feedback from up to 30 agented/published writers on their query and first page, plus the ability to query agents they otherwise may not have connected with. Some agents even read requested contest entries before the rest of their slush pile! Everyone, chosen or not, receives free slush tips from the hosts and the camaraderie that develops from entering contests together. Many writers find life long critique partners and good friends from these contests (I did).

Because of this, we are holding the sub window open much longer and no longer restricting the number of entries.

Donating this year is strictly voluntary. Giving a donation does not increase your chances of being picked. Giving less than $5 or more than $10 will also have no impact on your chances. Donating will not affect how many rounds a person makes it through if chosen. People who are not able to donate will not be disqualified.

Please see the blog sidebar for the link to donate. Also note that a percentage of the donations will be given to Flint Kids to help the children of Flint. 

Thanks for your understanding.
Best of luck in the tournament!

If anyone finds this Easter Egg, contact me on twitter and I will send you a free paperback of GRUDGING. 

Spring Query Extravaganza 2016 -- 2

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My next victim willing participant:

Dear Ms. Hauck:

Revin always imagined she would raise her son in the only home she’d ever known; she’d watch her younger sisters graduate and get married; and she’d be there for her aging parents.  So when her husband urges her to take their son and flee the besieged city of Kobani, Revin resists as long as possible. When watching her husband and entire family get shot down in front of her finally pushes Revin to escape into neighboring Turkey, she finds herself confronting not only the devastating consequences of the Turks’ prejudices towards Syrian Kurds, but she is also forced to face her own prejudices towards Turks and Armenians.  More urgent is the danger that comes with being a lone woman on the road in a strange country.

Once she believed that fleeing into Turkey would solve her troubles, but here Revin watches her son die as they attempt to make their way to Greece. Drowning in despair, and on the edge of starvation, she gets sucked into prostitution as the only way she can see to survive. When an Armenian man risks everything to save her from being sent back to war-torn Syria, Revin finds a second chance at love, but she must decide which pull is stronger: the desire for safety, or her desire to return to Syria to fight for her home and the autonomy of her people, threatened by genocide and tyranny.

 The horror of her journey is tempered by the surprising discovery of the love of an honorable man, and exacerbated by the rage of her controlling and abusive husband, still very much alive. Now it’s not just the freedom of her homeland that is on the line, but her freedom as a woman as well. When the lives of her lover and her husband are threatened by a jihadist with a grenade, she must decide which life she will save, and her decision will shatter all of their lives. Prejudice can have terrible, far-reaching consequences, but women everywhere want the same things, and Revin draws on her inner strength to find peace and meaning in a war-torn world.

Here is a novel built around a contemporary issue that features a strong woman who must rise to the challenges she faces, a heroine who has universal dreams and can be understood and admired by women everywhere. I hope that this novel fits in with your other women’s fiction. As requested, there follows the first five pages of my novel.

I am a high school English teacher.  Being a mother and a widow, with family living in the Middle East, gives me the confidence to tell Revin’s tale.  Thank you very much for your consideration of Where You Go, a novel complete at 119,000 words.

Sincerely,

With my comments added:

Dear Ms. Hauck: (So far so good.) 

Revin always imagined she would raise her son in the only home she’d ever known,; she’d watch her younger sisters graduate, and get married,; and she’d be there for her aging parents.  So when her husband urges her to take their son and flee the besieged city of Kobani in Syria, Revin resists as long as possible. When watching her husband and entire family get shot down in front of her, it finally pushes Revin to escape into neighboring Turkey, . She finds herself confronting must confront not only the devastating consequences of the Turks’ prejudices towards Syrian Kurds, but she is also forced to face her own prejudices towards Turks and Armenians.  More urgent is the danger that comes with being a lone (You might change "lone" to unprotected or unescorted as she isn't exactly alone. Apparently, her son is with her.) woman on the road in a strange country.

Once she believed that fleeing into Turkey would solve her troubles, but here Revin watches her son dies as they attempt to make their way to Greece. Drowning in despair, and on the edge of starvation, she gets sucked into prostitution as the only way she can see to survive. When an Armenian man risks everything to save her from being sent back to war-torn Syria, Revin finds a second chance at love, but she must decide which pull is stronger: the desire for safety, or her desire to return to Syria to fight for her home and the autonomy of her people, threatened by genocide and tyranny.

 The horror of her journey is tempered by the surprising discovery of the love of an honorable man, and exacerbated by the rage of her controlling and abusive husband,--(I'd use a dash here.) still very much alive. (And here's how it gets worse/escalates! Nice! You always want some kind of escalation in the second or third story paragraph.)  Now it’s not just the freedom of her homeland that is on the line, but her freedom as a woman as well. When the lives of her lover and her husband are threatened by a jihadist with a grenade, she must decide which life she will   to save, and her decision will shatter all of their lives. Prejudice can have terrible, far-reaching consequences, but women everywhere want the same things, and Revin draws on her inner strength to find peace and meaning in a war-torn world. (This isn't the typical sum-up stakes. Instead it is more telling than anything else, but I think it fits with the rest of the query. Normally, I'd say to change it--not this time. It has a real honesty.) 

Here is a novel built around a contemporary issue that features a strong woman who must rise to the challenges she faces, a heroine who has universal dreams and can be understood and admired by women everywhere. I hope that this novel fits in with your other women’s fiction.(I'd do a little rearranging here. Most of this paragraph is telling about themes and such--agents REALLY don't like this in a query--besides, your query has already shown the themes beautifully.) 

Thank you very much for your consideration of Where You Go (WHERE YOU GO I mostly see titles in all caps nowadays. Note: Don't cap your comp titles if you use any-- Only your own title.) , a novel Women's Fiction (Whoops. You need some kind of genre here. I brought it down from the above paragraph.) complete at 119,000 words. As requested, there follows the first five pages of my novel. (I would move this sentence to the start of the paragraph and not the end and throw in the sentence about the pasted pages.) I am a high school English teacher.  Being a mother and a widow, with family living in the Middle East, gives me the confidence to tell Revin’s tale.

  

Sincerely,

With so many agents looking for stories with diversity (an excellent change), this query is sure to get some interest. Throw in the fact that you know the audience --having family in the Middle East--and I can see this getting many requests. What it really needed was some gentle pruning to improve the writing style by cutting excess words.

I urge you to take the same red pen through your manuscript and also prune unneeded words and especially filtering (she heard, she saw, she understood, she watch, etc). Even better find a good critique partner to help you look for things to cut. I'm guessing if there was extra words in the query, the same will be in the manuscript. This subject has a great chance of getting picked up if the writing is clean. 

Good luck and I hope this helped!