Spring Query Extravaganza - 5

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query.

My next victim willing participant:

Dear agent,

Seventeen-year-old Sierra Redstone would kill to rule the Las Vegas sorcerers. With her ability to turn anyone into a desiccated husk and no real competition, everyone but Grandfather knows she’s next in line. But when Sierra’s cousin unexpectedly develops shape-shifting powers, Sierra finds herself demoted to second place.

Desperate for an edge, she seeks out the sorcerer’s enemies: the sages.  She pretends to be a normal girl and convinces the grandmotherly-but-deadly Constance to teach her a different kind of magic. All she has to do is swear on her life to be a loyal apprentice—an oath she breaks even as she makes it.

As she learns to trust her mentor, Sierra wonders what it would be like to be one of the good guys. If she betrays Constance she could gain the power she’s always wanted, but if she betrays her clan she could become the decent person she’s already pretending to be.

            A young adult urban fantasy that’s less about teen romance and more about redemption, Bluffing, Raising, Folding is The Godfather meets Mean Girls in Las Vegas with magic.

My short story and flash fiction will be published in the United Author’s Association 2015 Anthology. I have a degree in psychology and a husband who grew up in Las Vegas.

Thank you for your Consideration,

With my added comments:

Dear agent, (First off, colon here. Second, I've changed the query to a more usual format. I really can't read a query well unless it is in this format. I'll bet agents feel the same. A query letter should be single spaced with a return between paragraphs. Never indent paragraphs in a query letter that you will send by email. You do indent paragraphs and double space any pages you attach or paste in the email for the agent.)

Seventeen-year-old Sierra Redstone would kill (After reading the whole query I wonder if you could use a more interesting word than "kill." Voice this up! Seventeen-year-old Sierra Redstone would kill to rule the Las Vegas sorcerers. And that's no exaggeration. )  to rule the Las Vegas sorcerers. With her ability to turn anyone into a desiccated husk and no real competition (Interesting. I'm wondering if this implies she has the nerve and will to do it. Maybe add that in if it's true. A heartless MC is different and different is good in a ms), everyone but Grandfather (Grandfather never gets mentioned again so I'd cut or add him below or in the last paragraph.) knows she’s next in line. But when Sierra’s cousin unexpectedly develops shape-shifting powers, Sierra finds herself demoted to second place. (A twist! This had me taking notice. I'd voice this up. Something like:  ...Sierra finds herself kicked to the curb, demoted to second place.)

Desperate for an edge, she seeks out the sorcerer’s(This confused me. Her cousin's enemies? Her people's enemies? Again, I find this different and intriguing. Maybe voice this up, too. Something like: Hell hath no fury like a sorceress scorned. Desperate for an edge ...) enemies: the sages.  She pretends to be a normal girl (human?) and convinces the grandmotherly-but-deadly Constance to teach her a different kind of magic. All she has to do is swear on her life to be a loyal apprentice—an oath she breaks even as she makes it. (She's awesome! I'd give an example of how she breaks it if you can do it in a few words.)

As she learns to trust her mentor, Sierra wonders what it would be like to be one of the good guys.(Hmm. You need to make it clear earlier in the query that sages are good/sorcerers=bad. I assumed it was just Sierra who is bad.) If she betrays Constance she could will gain the power she’s always wanted, but if she betrays her clan she could become the decent person she’s been already pretending to be.

A young adult urban fantasy that’s less about teen romance and more about redemption, Bluffing, Raising, Folding(BLUFFING, RAISING, AND FOLDING all caps because obviously your story should be bigger than the comp titles.) is The Godfather meets Mean Girls (Love this!), set in Las Vegas with magic. (There's no word count here, but this could be a WIP. When you send a query it should include the word count.) 

My short story and flash fiction (Are these two different stories? Try: One of my short stories and a piece of my flash fiction) will be published in the United Author’s Association 2015 Anthology. I have a degree in psychology and a husband who grew up in Las Vegas.

Thank you for your Consideration, (I'm not sure why "Consideration" has a capital letter. It's a little odd. Maybe a typo. ;-) 

My subjective opinion is that this query has a lot of points that catch my attention. There's a few twists and unexpected character traits. I would look at the pages. Throwing the voice of your character into the wording with some short phrases would really make this query stand out.