Spring Query Extravaganza 2016- 1

I thought it could be helpful to do a little query feedback before Query Kombat starts next month. It might give a few ideas of what the contest hosts could be looking for in a strong query letter.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My first victim willing participant:

Dear [agent],

[Insert personalisation] REALM OF RUIN is a YA fantasy complete at [word count].

17-year-old Lina is an Aethrian; she can step into the spirit realm. Her bloodline makes her an outcast, and she’s tired of living a sheltered, friendless life. When her adoptive father dies, Lina is devastated - this isn’t the kind of change she had in mind. Rather than taking her chances on the streets, Lina crosses the city to live with the wealthy Vaughn Casimir.

But Lina soon discovers that Vaughn’s riches stem from a sinister line of work, and that he wants to form an alliance with the most dangerous Aethrian alive in order to seize control of Orinthia. And he’s not afraid to blackmail Lina to get what he wants. With the lives of her new friends - and her people - hanging in the balance, Lina must betray her own kind in order to free a criminal from an otherworldly prison. Lina won’t lose the only friends she’s ever had, even if it means she risks bringing the whole world to ruin.

I recently completed a BA in English and Creative Writing. I’ve also written articles for [book festival name]. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

With my notes added:

Dear [agent], (Works for me, though I always nit-pick that it really should be a colon for a business letter.)

[Insert personalisation] REALM OF RUIN is a YA fantasy complete at [word count]. (The author doesn't have a final word count yet as this is still in revision. But notice there is a place for the word count to go. Thumbs up! Of course, this paragraph won't be needed for Query Kombat. And remember if you have to really dig for a way to personalize, it's best just to leave it off.)

17-year-old (Subjective preference, but it's best to spell out numbers under 100. Digits are fine for pitching on twitter, but I'd go with Seventeen-year-old.)  Lina is an Aethrian;(I think it's trendy to use a dash now instead of a semi-colon. That's the way I go, anyway.) she can step into the spirit realm. Her bloodline makes her an outcast(Why? Her mixed-race bloodline, maybe? Her bastard bloodline?), and she’s tired of living a sheltered, friendless life(Outcast doesn't exactly match with the word sheltered. Which is she? I'd cut "sheltered."). When her adoptive father dies, Lina is devastated - this isn’t the kind of change she had in mind. Rather than taking her chances on the streets, Lina crosses the city to live with the wealthy Vaughn Casimir. (Why would he take her if she's an outcast? I'm guessing he is her original kin, perhaps. But I shouldn't have to guess. This is the place where a third story paragraph can help you out. What motivates her to go there? What motivates him to take her? Is he her age or older? How does it get worse?

You mention new friends later on and a paragraph in the middle would be the place to set them up. Here is a fake example:

Her adopted father always warned her about Vaughn, but if it's a choice between starving and his basement, she'll take the cellar. He can't turn the daughter of his former priest away--not if he wants to keep his place in society--and among the servants of his house she makes her first real friends.)

But Lina soon discovers that Vaughn’s riches stem from a sinister line of work (Be specific!! Vaughn's riches stem from blackmail, gambling, and murder. See how that is more interesting--even if it's made up by me.), and that he wants to form an alliance with the most dangerous Aethrian alive in order to seize control of Orinthia.(This means little to the reader. We don't know what Orinthia is. Maybe just say the city. And is this the criminal you bring up below? He needs the help of a most dangerous criminal to seize control of the city. And that's where Lina comes in. Her ability to enter the spirit realm and bring out the criminal from captivity is the answer to his prayer.)  And he’s not afraid to blackmail Lina to get what he wants.(Be clear. How can she give it to him? She's an outcast. Unless you mean she can use her power to step into the spirit realm.) With the lives of her new friends(You don't mention any friends, so maybe cut?) - and her people - hanging in the balance, Lina must decide whether to betray her own kind in order to free a criminal from an otherworldly prison (For Vaughn? Why?). Lina won’t lose the only friends she’s ever had, even if it means she risks bringing the whole world to ruin. (Watch taking away her choice. This sentence makes it sound like her decision is made. The decision of the mc should be uncertain.)

I recently completed a BA in English and Creative Writing. I’ve also written articles for [book festival name]. (My personal preference, but I like this bio information in the same paragraph as the genre/word count sentence so the query letter isn't so broken up into small paragraphs.) 

Thank you for your time and consideration. (My favorite closing!)

I'm not getting a good sense of Lina from this query yet and the stakes are rather vague. I'm not seeing the connections between them clearly enough. Each sentence of the last paragraph should flow to the next. I would suggest a first pass to organize the connections and get the story told in its basic form (after the first paragraph). 

Vaughn takes Lina in. She makes friends there. He's bad in many ways. He needs a criminal from the spirit realm and that's where Lina comes in with her abilities. It's help Vaughn or her friends die.

Then do another pass to add Lina's voice to the wording. Use the slang and curse words you employ in the story to give it voice.  For exampe: By the seven circles of Hell, Vaughn isn't afraid to blackmail Lina with her friend's lives as his playing hand. 

A little bit of structural work to clear up some confusion and some more voice and you'll have a much stronger query. I hope this helps!