Summer Query Extravaganza 21

You know the drill. Contact me on twitter if you want your query showcased. Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

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As sent to me:

Dear [Insert Specific, Researched Agent's Name Here],

Constance is used to solving problems with her fists.  Too bad for her those tactics don’t work too well up against the incorporeal.  In fact, if she never had to see another ghost again, she might stand a chance at being happy for once in her bitter, sarcastic life....And, yet, when one of her oldest and, thanks to her sparkling personality, only friends asks her to join his freelance ghost hunting group, she begrudgingly tags along.

 

The Suppressors are a hapless, hopeless crew of misfits that quickly discover just how much can go wrong the paranormal comes into play.  As they square up against spirits of urban legend, it becomes painfully apparent that they’re underfunded, inexperienced, and ill prepared, but, hey, nothing they can’t make up for with a little ingenuity and a lot of instant coffee, right?

 

The scales finally appear to tip in the Suppressors’ favor when Central Avalon, a lofty professional parapsychological institute, requests their audience, but they immediately find themselves tangled in a web of death and deceit, power and experiments…and it’ll take a lot more than a right hook from Constance to get out.

 

Clocking in at 99,000 words, Central Avalon is a work of urban fiction that blends elements of both comedy and horror.  Though it can serve as a standalone novel, it is the first in a series where various paranormal worlds collide.

 

Thank you for your time.

With my crazy comments:

Dear [Insert Specific, Researched Agent's Name Here], Colon after the greeting for a business letter. Also there are no indents or tabs before paragraphs in a business letter either, if you want to get technical.

Constance is used to solving problems with her fists.  Too bad for her those tactics don’t work too well up against the incorporeal.  In fact, if she never had to see another ghost again, she might stand a chance at being happy for once in her bitter, sarcastic life....I'd try to show her abrasive qualities.  And, yet, when one of her oldest and, thanks to her sparkling personality, only friends asks her to join his freelance ghost hunting group, she begrudgingly tags along. I'm a little confused over which comes first: She interacts with ghosts, or she's asked to be part of this group. If the group comes first, then I'd led with that.

Constance is used to solving her problems with her fists and when that doesn't work her sarcastic tongue is more than ready to castrate anyone who gets too close. And, yet, when one of her oldest and, thanks to her sparkling personality, only friends asks her to join his freelance ghost hunting group, she begrudgingly tags along. Too bad her fists don't stack up against the incorporeal. 

 

The Suppressors are a hapless, hopeless crew of misfits that quickly discover just how much can go wrong the paranormal comes into play.  As they square up against spirits of urban legend, it becomes painfully apparent that they’re these misfits are underfunded, inexperienced, and ill prepared, but, hey, nothing they can’t make up for with a little ingenuity and a lot of instant coffee, right? Good voice here, but it's not too original. Consider using an example to show how things can go wrong for the first sentence. Also consider giving examples of the urban legends if people would have heard of them before. And try to work Constance back in here somewhere.

Constance and the Suppressors get their butts handed to them when a ghostly Elvis starts swinging his guitar into their heads. Who knew ghosts could feel so solid? As the Suppressors square up against XYZ, it becomes painfully apparent that these misfits are underfunded, inexperienced, and ill prepared, but, hey, ...    

 

The scales finally appear to tip in the Suppressors’ favor when Central Avalon, a lofty professional parapsychological institute, requests their audience(I'm not sure what 'requests their audience' means. Does this mean they want to buy the business or train them or fund them?) , but they immediately find themselves tangled in a web of death and deceit, power and experiments (generic Not sure what this means either.)…and it’ll take a lot more than a right hook from Constance to get out. Quite a long final sentence. Break it up and be more specific about the stakes. And it seems the bad guys are not the ghosts but other humans. I think you need to clarify the Suppressors motivation with a sentence. Is their goal to make money (sell their business) or to conquer/control ghosts.  

 

Clocking in at 99,000 words, Central Avalon is a work of urban fiction that blends elements of both comedy and horror. (Urban fiction is not a genre. Decide if it is urban fantasy or horror with elements of humor.)  Though it can serve as a standalone novel, it is the first in a series where various paranormal worlds collide.

 

Thank you for your time.

This query is missing a few things for me. It is missing what Constance and her friends want. It's missing more exact terms of what will happen if they fail. And much of the query is missing Constance in favor of a group picture. Try and keep it focused on Constance. It would also be great if you could show another example of how Constance's tongue causes trouble farther down in the query.