Title: BALLAD OF A TEENAGE CANNIBAL
Genre: YA Humor/Fantasy
Word Count: 60,000
My Main Character would use sun or snow to battle their biggest obstacle:
Cannibals, like slightly drunken moths, are naturally a little slow, a little prone to veer off course. So sending down a frigid blanket of snow would be just the ticket Billy would need to keep him a few booted steps ahead of their hungry agenda. Not that his axe couldn't take care of few eager mouths, but a little help from some sub zero temperatures would be just peachy. Plus, a wicked snow fort never hurt a soul.
Cannibals, no problem. Girls on the other hand—now there was something to be afraid of. In his junior year at Oxford Prep, Billy Brighton was living the dream, a picturesque campus, distinguished professors, and distracting co-eds. And truth be told, the cannibal infestation wasn’t even all that bad. One good axe swing, problem solved. That is until everything begins to change. Students have started to go missing, even the axe wielding ones.
Even worse, like a persistent lint ball, Billy has attracted a cannibal admirer. And her name is Ker. At least that’s what Billy thinks she calls herself—cannibals, like jocks, can be a little grunty. And despite a near homicidal first impression, Billy’s rather come round to the indie rock loving cannibal. After all, who doesn’t like the Ramones?
So when a mob of outraged and admittedly proverbial torch carrying community members storm the school grounds, seeking to eradicate the cannibal infestation once and for all, it’s up to Billy to keep both sides from killing each other. Because he’s just starting to think that the genetically mutated cannibals edging around town are not quite as feral as the administration has let on. Besides which, if everyone dies, he’d have to transfer schools. Again. Not bloody likely.
Think Hot Fuzz meets Warm Bodies for YA.
First 250 words:
The cannibals were just terrible at Oxford this season. Billy had never really known the otherwise haphazard flocks to assemble in such large numbers before. A few here and there, sure, the odd one even cropped up near the dinning hall or on the football pitch every once in a while, but by and large they tended to stay away from big groups of people, minding their own business. Unless they were hungry of course, but no one had actually been eaten on campus by one of them in years. And, by all accounts, the coed who’d got taken three years ago had pretty much had it coming, in Billy’s humble opinion. Sneaking around at night, in the dark, without your axe? What self-respecting cannibal wouldn’t have eaten him. Billy bloody sure would have.
But that had all been before Billy had started his studies. Now, the Dean and all his tweed-patched underlings had their standardized speech down pat. Explaining and reassuring anxious parents that everything was perfectly safe. ‘Simply, Under-Control’. Parents bought it hook line and sinker. Ultimately, just like any other administrative tasks at the college, the administration contended that they had the cannibal infestation meticulously managed, and parents went home untroubled and secure in their obliviousness. Tweed could do that to people.