Summer Query Extravaganza 20

You know the drill. Contact me on twitter if you want your query showcased. Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

Openings to have your query critiqued are dwindling. I'm shutting this segment down when I return to work as school starts. Get your request in now.

As sent to me:

One minute Jimmy Rickliefs’ was a drummer in a huge rock band, the next he was knockin’ on death’s door. He figured he’d go out with a bang; that bang just turned into a whimper.

Jimmy always thought he’d die like a rock star: an overdose, or alcoholism would get him. But a car accident wasn’t in the cards.  And thanks to the town drunk, the blue-haired, outgoing drummer might never walk again.  On top of that, he’s battling seizures which would make being a drummer impossible.

Faced with the possible end of his career, Jimmy has to make a tough decision: give up on the band, knowing that his family could face financial ruin, or work his ass off to walk again and return to the only job he’s ever known. The stage that he loves has become the most dangerous place he could be.  But he’s determined to provide for his growing family, and being a rock star is the only way he knows to do it.

DRIVEN is commercial fiction complete at 85,000 words with series potential.  Thank you for your time and consideration. My first 30 pages are attached per website guidelines. 

With crazy comments added:

One minute Jimmy Rickliefs’ was a drummer in a huge rock band, the next he was knockin’ on death’s door. I'd change the adjective 'huge' to something more descriptive. Superstar? I'd also try to work in a verb with more punch. Jimmy Ricklief dive bombs from superstar drummer in the world's most notorious rock band to knockin' on death's door.  He figured he’d go out with a bang; that bang just turned into a whimper. He planned on going out with a bang in twenty years, instead he got a whimper.

Jimmy always thought he’d die like a rock star: an overdose, or alcoholism would get him. This sentence has filtering. A rockstar is supposed to die from overdoses or alcoholism. But a A car accident wasn’t in the cards.  And tThanks to the town drunk, the blue-haired, outgoing drummer has no need to die his hair blue or mingle with fans. (Shows.) when might never walk again.  On top of thatlosing the ability to walk, he’s battling deadly seizures which also robs his coordination, making drumming would make being a drummer impossible.

Faced with the possible (This weakens. Makes it wishy-washy.) end of his career, Jimmy has to make a tough decision: give up on the band, knowing that his family could face financial ruin, or work his ass off to walk again and return to the only job he’s ever known. This sentence has more wishy-washy. Keep it direct and powerful. Plus it seems like a sinker sentence instead of a setup sentence. I'd cut it altogether and move pieces of it to the sinker sentence. The stage that he Jimmy loves has become a lethal zone/death trap. Strobe and other lighting are a catalyst to his seizures. (I'm cheating here because I've seen this query before.) the most dangerous place he could be.  But he’s determined to provide for his growing family, and being a rock star is the only way he knows to do it. The sinker sentence you've given us robs him of the choice. This sounds like he has one alternative. But to provide for his growing family, he'll have to find a way to become a rock star again or hope his life insurance is enough. 

DRIVEN is commercial fiction complete at 85,000 words with series potential.  Thank you for your time and consideration. My first 30 pages are attached per website guidelines.  I'd put the thank you after the genre and word count info and in its own paragraph. But that's a matter of taste.

I don't think there is much wrong with this query. A little change here and there to add more powerful verbs, cut the filtering, along with cutting the words that weaken would make it feel more direct and more decided.