Summer Query Extravaganza 22

Special treat today! Butterfly pictures! These were taken yesterday from my deck. I haven't seen a monarch yet this year, but we have lots of other kinds.

You know the drill. Contact me on twitter if you want your query showcased. Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.


Openings to have your query critiqued are dwindling. I'm shutting this segment down when I return to work as school starts. Get your request in now.

My kids call this hummingbird moth the 'funny bee.'

As sent to me: 

Dear Lovely Agent,
Nikki Evers assumed the crimes were random coincidences. Fires on campus. Convenient store robberies. Gang killings. Great stories for the school paper. But when her best friend Brycin disappears, presumed dead, and she gets a text that reads:

Nikki, I’m alive. Talk to Clay. He knows what’s going on. But be careful. They want you dead.

Nikki’s not sure what to do. Clay French is off limits. Not because he rides a motorcycle or has an amazing tattoo on his shoulder. His jealous girlfriend knows how to make life miserable for all those on her She-devil List, which she plasters on every school bulletin board if you’re caught even glancing in his direction. Heaven forbid you talk to him.

And then there’s her mother who begs her not to get tangled with the wrong crowd.

French boys are tagged as bad boys, but teaming up with Clay is the only way Nikki can find Brycin. When Nikki’s almost killed and Clay saves her life, she uncovers a dark secret that threatens to destroy everyone, including herself.
With the pressure from her overprotective father, the jealous girlfriend attacks, and her secret crush on Clay, finding Brycin's more difficult than she ever imagined.
I FOUND YOU is a YA Contemporary Suspense with inspirational elements. 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

With my crazy comments:

Dear Lovely Agent, :-)

Nikki Evers assumed the crimes were random coincidences. Fires on campus. Convenient Convenience?  store robberies. Gang killings. Great stories for the school paper. This makes me think she works for the paper, which doesn't seem to be true based on the rest of the query. But when her best friend Brycin disappears, presumed dead, and she gets a text that reads:

Nikki, I’m alive. Talk to Clay. He knows what’s going on. But be careful. They want you dead. I would assume this is like using a quote from your book in your query. In other words, a no-no. Try summing it up instead. But when her best friend disappears, presumed dead by the cops, a text arrives from her dead friend directing her to watch out for herself and speak to Clay. Also since you use 'but' maybe try something else.  Great stories for the school paper, but nothing to do with her. Then her best friend disappears, presumed dead by the cops. New paragraph. She gets a text from her not so dead friend with a warning and a plea for help. The text points her to Clay.

Nikki’s not sure what to do. I think not know what to do is implied. Maybe cut it. Clay French is off limits. Not because he rides a motorcycle or has an amazing tattoo on his shoulder. His jealous girlfriend knows how to make life miserable for all those on her She-devil List, which she plasters on every school bulletin board I'm not sure this detail is the heart of the story. if you’re caught even glancing in his direction. Heaven forbid you talk to him. I'd probably cut this sentence too and focus on the mystery instead of the jealous girlfriend. 

And then there’s her Nikki's mother, who begs her not to get tangled with the wrong crowd. Move this up to the above paragraph. And consider adding an adjective to describe the mother. overbearing? overprotective? 

French boys are tagged as bad boys, but teaming up with Clay is the only way Nikki can find Brycin her best friend. Keep the names down to two. Wouldn't she assume Clay is a suspect, not a team member? When Nikki’s almost killed and Clay saves her life, she uncovers a dark secret that threatens to destroy everyone, including herself. I think you need to focus more on the secret and less on the girlfriend. I don't have any clue what this means. It's just too generic. The query isn't focusing on the heart of the story yet, because if Clay is not the suspect, then we've heard nothing about the true culprit.

With the pressure from her overprotective father Let's leave dad out. I think Mom is enough. , the jealous girlfriend attacks, and her secret crush on Clay, finding Brycin's her best friend  is more difficult than she ever imagined. To me this doesn't sum up the stakes very well. Those are the small obstacles in her way. What will happen if she fails? I assume her friend will die. I see the query as a miniature story that moves along with each paragraph. First paragraph is set up and hook. Second paragraph clears up what is happening. Third paragraph should take us deeper into the story. The heart of the problem.  It seems like this query is stuck at the second position.
I FOUND YOU is a YA Contemporary Suspense with inspirational elements. Leaving out the word count makes it look like you have something to hide. Or perhaps this is a WIP. Be sure to add the word count before sending to agents.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

A two for one. Anyone have any idea what this one is called?

If Clay is not the suspect then I'd suggest you dig deeper into the heart of this mystery and give us more specific details. Who is really preventing Nikki from finding her friend? What will happen if she fails, both to herself and her friend?

I'd also suggest leaving Clay a suspect in the query until he saves her life.

You mention other crimes in the first paragraph, and that they are not random. I'd bring that back in for the ending sum up. Give us an idea of how these tie together. Sounds like it could be a mob connection of some sort and that would be interesting.