Summer Query Extravaganza 23

This will be the last query for a while  I'm closing down the queries for a week or so as I transition back to work next week.  I do plan to resume critiquing once my schedule settles down.

Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Astute Agent,

College student Trista Dividir has no idea she’s involved with two men and an unwilling informant for the DEA – but Marvy, one of her multiple personalities, does. 

Naively, she thought she could keep their lives separate – she convinced herself she could. But when Marvy’s reckless, alcoholic, cigarette smoking night-on-the-town causes Trista to retrieve her car at a nightclub, it starts a chain of events throwing any kind of dream of graduating Baylor in the toilet. Mistaken for Marvy, she meets two of alter’s lovers, Alex and Bryson. She also discovers Marvy, caught doing drugs, is working with the DEA. Trista yearns for Alex, but Bryson is the target of the investigation. Every step she takes to get out of Marvy’s mess entangles her deeper into his criminal activity, forcing her to leave Alex behind. To make things more complicated, she learns of three other alter personalities, none of which she remembers. Her only choice to save her, and her other selves, is to get the information the DEA need by going with Bryson to meet the Baltic Crime Family in Croatia. This decision risks her life, her secret, and her relationship with Alex. 

PIECES OF ONE is a suspenseful New Adult romance complete at 85,000 words and a selected Finalist submission in the 2013 Pacific Northwest Writer’s Association Literary Competition. 

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

With my crazy comments:

Dear Astute Agent,

College student Trista Dividir has no idea she’s involved with two men and an unwilling informant for the DEA – but Marvy, one of her multiple personalities, does. (I was like 'eh?', then 'ah!' with this first sentence. What do you mean she doesn't have any idea, then oh, I see.)

Naively, she thought she could keep their lives separate – she convinced herself she could. (I'm a little confused because I thought Trista had no idea of her multiply lives, but this suggests she does know about them but chooses to ignore it. This is more of a set-up sentence, and I'd consider cutting it and starting with the action of the following sentence.) But when Marvy’s reckless, alcoholic, cigarette smoking night-on-the-town causes forces Trista to retrieve her car at a nightclub, it starts a chain of events throwing any kind of dream of graduating Baylor in the toilet. Mistaken for Marvy, she meets two of her alter’s lovers, Alex and Bryson. She also discovers Marvy, caught doing drugs, is working with the DEA. Consider a new paragraph here. Trista yearns for Alex, but  it is Bryson the DEA instructs her to get friendly with. is the target of the investigation. Every step she takes to get out of Marvy’s mess entangles her deeper into his criminal activity, forcing her to leave Alex behind. To make things more complicated, she learns of three other alter personalities, none of which she remembers(This sentence focuses the reader in the wrong direction. I'm all about the drugs and trouble, and it brings me up short. Maybe cut and add a sentence that explains more about the drug trouble and her romance. Try and get the crime family into the action sooner by putting it here.). Her only choice to save her, and her other selves (maybe: all her selves), is to get the information the DEA needs by going with Bryson to meet the Baltic Crime Family in Croatia. (Wait, what? This is sort of a last minute surprise.) This decision risks her life, her secret, and her relationship with Alex. I'm not sure this sinker does the query justice. If the DEA doesn't lock her away, the crime family will see all her selves DOA, and both options will ruin her chance at love with Alex. But that idea doesn't bring back working out her multiple personalities. Maybe another reader will have a better idea.

PIECES OF ONE is a suspenseful New Adult romance complete at 85,000 words and a selected Finalist submission in the 2013 Pacific Northwest Writer’s Association Literary Competition.  Nice bio.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

This query has a neat concept. It sounds like an exciting read. There are a couple of sentences that don't really add much to the query, or which spin us in the wrong direction. Consider taking them out to work in more detail about the crime. I'd also recommend getting the crime family higher in the query, because it is a juicy detail and because launching it at the end, makes it seem like a last minute surprise.