Holiday Query Hop Critique 2

Here to do the next critique is my agency sister Vicki Leigh! 

Keep in mind that feedback is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The Holiday Query hop is still taking entries, see here for details.  

The random number generator picks 5! And as Vicki writes paranormal, this is a great match! 

Age Category: Adult
Genre: Paranormal Mystery
Manuscript Status: Complete
(You don’t need to include this at the top! Work it in to your query.)

Dear [amazing agent/publisher],

[Add one-to-two sentence paragraph here (or at the end) as to why you’re querying this agent.]

Celina is shot by intruders who murdered her husband, and she’s sure she won’t survive the night. That’s before the demon Mekaisto offers her a chance at revenge. Determined to kill the people responsible for her husband’s death, Celina takes the deal, even though the cost may be her life – and her soul. [I’m missing some setup here. Could you start with what’s unique about Celina? Ex: “Twenty-four-year-old, ex-Marine Celina never thought she’d be married to a meek-mannered painter, but from the moment she looked into his blue eyes, she knew he was the one. Five years later, intruders breaks into their home and shoot Celina in the chest before murdering her husband. She’s sure she won’t survive—until the demon Mekaisto offers her a chance at revenge. Determined to kill the people responsible for her husband’s death, Celina takes the deal.” With this sort of setup, we’ll feel the loss of her husband a bit more, and it’ll draw us into her world. Make sense?]

Of course, the demon neglected to mention that she’ll have to solve her husband’s murder before she can get to the revenge part. With Mekaisto’s seal branded over the scar of her gunshot wound, Celina investigates. But the more she digs, the more she discovers disturbing secrets about her husband. The business Celina believed he poured his heart into for the last five years never existed. Through Mekaisto’s connections with other demons, Celina learns her husband was making deals with them for information on a mysterious religious order. Worst of all, he’d even been involved in demonic rituals that involved murder. [This paragraph reads kind of choppy, though your word choices are super strong (well done). Might I suggest something like this: “But the more she digs, the more she discovers disturbing secrets about her husband: the business she believed he poured his heart into for the last five years never existed; he as making deals with demons for information on a mysterious religious order; and, worst of all, he’d even been involved in demonic rituals that involved murder.” It might seem like a long sentence, but I think it reads smoother. Ultimately, it’s your decision; this query is still very good.]

Now, Celina fears that Mekaisto has his claws all over her husband’s murder, and she isn’t just an opportunistic soul grab. But she needs Mekaisto to get her revenge on the people who tried to kill her. However, when she uncovers a way out of her deal, Celina will have to decide if she still wants revenge or if she’ll betray a master of deceit in the faint hope of reclaiming her life—and her soul. [Changed this just for a stronger impact. Great job with the stakes!]

MY SOUL TO GIVE is a 65,000-word paranormal mystery. [Don’t forget to include comparative titles! If your book was on Amazon, which titles might recommend your book to their readers?]

[Don’t forget your bio paragraph—if you have relative information. This could include: previous writing credits, professional organizations you’re part of, group writing blogs (that have good viewership), etc. For example, when I queried my debut novel, my bio paragraph was something along the lines of: “I’m a member of SCBWI, a co-founder of The Writer Diaries, and I placed in the Top 100 in the 80^th Annual Writer’s Digest Competition.” If you can’t think of anything to put here, though, it’s best to not include a bio paragraph. J ]

Per your guidelines, I’ve pasted below my synopsis and the first five chapters of my novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon. [Make sure you let the agent know what else you’ve included for them, and then make sure you sign off super personably!]

Sincerely,

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Adopted at three-days-old by a construction worker and a stay-at-home mom, Vicki Leigh grew up in a small suburb of Akron, Ohio where she learned to read by the age of four and considered being sent to her room for punishment as an opportunity to dive into another book. By the sixth grade, Vicki penned her first, full-length screenplay. If she couldn’t be a writer, Vicki would be a Hunter (think Dean and Sam Winchester) or a Jedi. Her favorite place on earth is Hogwarts (she refuses to believe it doesn’t exist), and her favorite dreams include solving cases alongside Sherlock Holmes. Her YA debut, Catch Me When I Fall, released October 23, 2014.

You can find her at her website or on Twitter, Facebook, Goodreads, YouTube, Pinterest, Google+, and Instagram.