Friday, July 7, 2017

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 1

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.  

The query without my notes: 


Dear awesome agent,

I would like to offer Jaguar for your consideration. (personalized sentence). I have pasted my query and first x number of pages of the manuscript below, as per your submission guidelines.
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Valaria is young, imprisoned and pregnant. She is also a Jaguar.

The brutal slaying of her mate prompts her escape from an illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England. Heavily frequented by humans, the woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. But Valaria finds an unexpected, and unlikely, ally in the form of a local shepherd and animal rights defender, Tom Smith.  

Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth, must track Valaria down and kill her, or risk spending the rest of his life behind bars if his illegal collection of predators is discovered. For Edward this is not an option and his greatest desire is to hang her head on his trophy room wall.

Putting herself between the barrel of a gun and her cubs may be Valaria’s only option to ensure their freedom,.

Jaguar is a YA contemporary fantasy and is complete at 77,000 words. Readers of William Horwood would enjoy this story of a young female jaguar’s fight for her, and her cubs’, survival in an alien land

I am a British expat living in the Dominican Republic and am a full time writer. My debut novel, ‘Gerald and the amulet of Zonrach’ an upper MG humorous fantasy and the first in a series, was published on May 16th of this year by Immortal Works. I am working on the second in the Gerald series and also a fourth novel about an Anglo Saxon boy set in England during the dark ages. I am looking for representation for this and my future novels.

Thank you for your consideration.

And with my notes:

Dear awesome agent, (Technically a query is a business letter so a colon would go here. Picky, I know. Agents probably won't care, but I feel compelled to point it out at least once.)

I would like to offer Jaguar for your consideration. (personalized sentence). I have pasted my query and first x number of pages of the manuscript below, as per your submission guidelines. (Totally subjective, but I would combine this with the word count/genre paragraph. I just think it looks nicer to have fewer paragraphs. I used to include  a "per submission guidelines" sentence in my queries, too.)
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Valaria is young, imprisoned and pregnant. She is also a Jaguar. (I like this, but I'm thinking the second sentence feels too blunt. Maybe do it with description. She also has four paws, razor-sharp claws and a crescent-spotted coat.) 

The brutal slaying of her jaguar(then you could get jaguar in here somehow) mate prompts her escape with her cubs(because I thought she was pregnant. Otherwise you might want a sentence near the end of this paragraph to say she gives birth.) from an illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England. Heavily frequented by humans, the woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. But Valaria finds an unexpected, and unlikely, ally in the form of a local shepherd and animal rights defender, Tom Smith. (Tom doesn't appear back in the query so I might cut him and give the space to talking about her cubs. This paragraph feels pretty solid to me.)  

Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth, must track Valaria down and kill her, or risk spending the rest of his life behind bars if his illegal collection of predators is discovered. (I've got a problem with this. Is this told from the viewpoint of Valaria? That's what I assumed. Then this paragraph needs to continue from her POV, not Edward's. Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth is on her tail, determined to track her down and kill her  hang her head on his trophy room wall before his illegal collection of predators is discovered.) For Edward this is not an option and his greatest desire is to hang her head on his trophy room wall. (Same here. Actually you can change "kill her" above to hang her head on his trophy room wall and save a whole sentence. Seems like you are setting up Edward's stakes instead of Valaria's. We don't need to know the risks to the bad guy.)

Putting herself between the barrel of a gun and her cubs may be Valaria’s only option to ensure their freedom,.(I'd move this up to join with the last paragraph. And cubs? When did that happen?)

Jaguar is a YA contemporary fantasy (Fantasy because it's from the POV of an animal? I'm not too familiar with the genre used that way, but I can't think of anything else that fits better. Maybe thriller? or adventure? I'm not sure about calling it fantasy unless there are some speculative fiction elements. And YA I guess because of the subject matter. I have to wonder why it's not MG. MG would be a better fit for an animal story. Are there any YA human characters? You might want to work that into the query if so.)  and is complete at 77,000 words. Readers of William Horwood would enjoy this story of a young female jaguar’s fight for her, and her cubs’, survival in an alien land

I am a British expat living in the Dominican Republic and am a full time writer. My debut novel, Gerald and the amulet of Zonrach an upper MG humorous fantasy and the first in a series, was published on May 16th of this year by Immortal Works. I am working on the second in the Gerald series and also a fourth novel about an Anglo Saxon boy set in England during the dark ages.(You can cut the prior sentence or leave it. You've already shown you write other things by the story you have published.)   I am looking for representation for this and my future novels.

Thank you for your consideration.


So a few suggestions about this one. Get the whole query into Valaria's POV. Clarify when the cubs appear. Try and show why this would be considered YA instead of MG. Then go back through and work in Valaria's personality. Is she protective? Determined? Scared? I assume an animal MC would still need a character arc. How does she change through the story? Make sure you demonstrate that change. That will add a whole new depth to the query.

Good luck and take what you can use.

Now others leave their thoughts so I can pick the next volunteers. I have a batch of six queries to do and then I'll be looking for the most helpful writer to be next.  

15 comments:

  1. Thank you, Michelle. Time for some tweaks. :)

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  2. This query is a bit confusing. I wondered about the POV too. The premise is intriguing though. Put in more voice and start with a hook.

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  3. My impression was that the content (fairly serious/dark) was what made it YA and not MG, but I could be way off (I don't write either genre). Early on I did assume that she was a quasi-human, shapeshifting character, as that's a popular genre, but the rest of your query made it much clearer.

    I agree with Michelle that keeping Valeria as the focus in that fourth paragraph would make the overall query stronger. I also agree that it might create more tension to mention the cubs earlier (maybe even that she gives birth while on the run/in captivity).

    Some VEEEERY minor things:

    I'm not sure "proposition" is the right word in that first paragraph, but I can't think of something better. "Landscape" or "terrain" maybe? "Proposition" implies to me that someone (or thing) with agency is actively proposing it. The contrast between her home and the English forest doesn't make sense, because there's no option to be in south America.

    There were also some places where I feel like you had unnecessary commas, but that may just be me as I have this problem and so am hyper-vigilant about it.

    Overall I thought this was a strong query!

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  4. Great query!

    You can get around the inconsistency between pregnant and cubs by noting in the first sentence she is a new mother instead.

    Paragraph 2 of the novel synopsis is great at establishing more details around the main character and the central conflict of the story.

    I agree paragraph 3 about Edward Forsyth doesn't belong unless his POV is a second one told in the novel, in which case you'd want to make it clear there is more than one POV and give us some clues to how his arc might evolve over the story.

    If the book does not feature Edward Forsyth's POV, then this paragraph 3 should instead address how Valaria responds to the conflict and what's at stake for her. You've instead captured that between Paragraph 2 and the last part of the synopsis starting "Putting herself between the barrel of the gun..." It's good but there's room to give us more details.

    Regarding the genre and age group, unless Valaria has the ability to speak or some other type of super ability, I don't think this is fantasy. It reads more to me like a Jack London novel which is usually classified as adventure or literary. (If she has extraordinary abilities, that should be clear in the query so the fantastical elements are clear.) For age range, the word count indicates more YA but the animal POV indicates more MG. Even though the subject matter seems kind of gritty, I don't think it's that unusual for MG animal POV stories. (I'm thinking White Fang in particular.)

    Great job and I hope this helps.

    Julie Ferguson

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  5. Thanks for the comments. I've ripped it apart and the body of the query is now shorter; a starting place to expand if necessary :)

    "Valaria, a pregnant female jaguar, ripped from her home in the southern Pantanal region of Brazil, was imprisoned in an illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England. The brutal slaying of her mate prompts her escape, but the imminent birth of her cubs leaves little time to find sanctuary and the resources she needs to survive. Heavily frequented by humans, the woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America, and with her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth on her tail, putting herself between the barrel of his gun and her cubs to ensure their freedom may be her only option."

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  6. I actually liked the original hook. "She is also a jaguar" really set up the unique POV for me. Your revision definitely feels more concise, but I think some detail was lost. In the new paragraph, I'm not really sure why Edward is after her. Is there a way you can explain this in terms of Valaria's stakes, without jumping to Edward's POV?

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  7. Okay, I love these suggestions and think I have improved it; hopefully LOL

    "Valaria is young, imprisoned, and pregnant. She’s also a jaguar.

    After she was ripped from her home in the southern Pantanal region of Brazil, she was cast into a cold and damp illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England.

    The brutal slaying of her mate prompts her escape, but preparing for the imminent birth of her cubs may be harder than she could have ever imagined. Heavily frequented by humans, the north Devon woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. Bringing them into the world may be one thing, but raising them safely is another matter.

    If her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth, succeeds in tracking her down then putting herself between the barrel of his gun and her cubs to ensure their freedom may be her only option."

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  8. Good edits!

    I've made some suggestions below which may or may not be appropriate since I don't know enough about the story.

    Paragraph 2 is in past tense. Does her capture happen in the story or does it preface the story? If the latter, I'd suggest something like: "Ripped from her Brazilian home and cast into a cold and damp illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England, she befriends and mates with another jaguar...". Or, mention if he was captured with her? Or, what about: "Ripped from her Brazilian home and cast into a cold and damp illegal game preserve on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England, she and her mate elude the cruel hunter Edward Forsyth."

    If the capture happens within the story, you'll want paragraph 2 in present tense, but I recommend losing the passive voice, e.g., was/is ripped, was/is cast.

    You might want to establish if Edward Forsyth is the one who slayed her mate, and whether that prompts any revenge for Valaria later? Something like: "When Mate's Name sacrifices himself under Edward Forsyth's brutal blows so Valeria can escape...

    "Tormenter" conjures more of a stalker-ish or obsessive picture of Edward Forsyth, which is a bit of a disconnect with the idea of an illegal predator collection (collection implying something he wouldn't want to destroy). Maybe an illegal hunting preserve? Maybe make it more clear (without delving into his POV, because I think you did have this in your original version), that the ultimate goal for the collection is to have their heads hung on the wall?

    Structurally, I believe there should be a comma after her "tracking her down" in the last paragraph.

    Hope this helps!

    Julie Ferguson

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  9. Thank you all for your comments. I'll be doing some polishing this weekend using your suggestions. I really appreciate your help.

    Nearly time to hit the trenches again :)

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  10. I was very confused by this query until I got to Michelle's comments. I guess because it's YA fantasy, I assumed "Jaguar" was a fictional term for some fantastical being. When I finally realized you were talking about an actual animal, it changed my entire perspective. I would recommend making this clear from the start by putting in a line like, "She's an actual Jaguar, with fur and spots..." Of course, you'll do this much better than I just did. My second question is how this is YA? Maybe I'm just not thinking outside the box, but usually a book with the POV of an animal is written for a much younger crowd. If this was a teenage girl, who turned into a jaguar, that would feel YA to me. This doesn't. But I like the idea of your story. I like the multiple POVs of the jaguar and the hunter. Keep going with it. Maybe you just need to clarify a few parts to snap it into shape. Good luck!

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  11. Putting comments in parentheses in the query, plus some general comments at the end.

    I would like to offer Jaguar for your consideration. (personalized sentence). I have pasted my query and first x number of pages of the manuscript below, as per your submission guidelines.
    .
    Valaria is young, imprisoned and pregnant. She is also a Jaguar. (Because I don't know your genre, at this point I'm wondering if she's literally a jaguar or if this is a worldbuilding term. The fact that you capitalized Jaguar makes it seem more like the latter.)

    The brutal slaying of her mate prompts her escape from an illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England (I get how her mate being killed would make her want to escape, but I'd think also, being a wild animal, she'd have been trying to escape before?). Heavily frequented (Frequented might not be the right word here. It makes it sound like humans are just wandering around, which provides no threat to a jaguar. Now if they're hunting, then she's got a problem.) by humans, the woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. But Valaria finds an unexpected, and unlikely, ally in the form of a local shepherd and animal rights defender, Tom Smith.

    Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth, must track Valaria down and kill her, or risk spending the rest of his life behind bars if his illegal collection of predators is discovered. For Edward this is not an option and his greatest desire is to hang her head on his trophy room wall. (This feels like you're trying to make Edward sympathetic by focusing on his stakes so much here. Tell us why he's hunting her, but maybe more succinctly?)

    Putting herself between the barrel of a gun and her cubs may be Valaria’s only option to ensure their freedom,. (Um, what? Wouldn't Ed have known she was pregnant and be looking for her cubs too? Also, why doesn't Tom just go to the authorities and report the wild jaguar roaming around? It would be obvious that someone had an illegal collection nearby - this *actually* just happened in my area with a guy collecting venomous snakes.)

    Jaguar is a YA contemporary fantasy and is complete at 77,000 words. Readers of William Horwood would enjoy this story of a young female jaguar’s fight for her, and her cubs’, survival in an alien land

    I think the biggest thing this query could use is a stronger sense of the danger Valeria is in. More urgency to her situation. That's the appeal of the book, I assume, and I think if you can show that in the query, you'll be solid.

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  12. Okay, first line (in the actual query) was wow. I didn't see that coming. But now I'm not sure how talking animals work in YA. Then again, it worked for the Jungle Book (or was that MG?)

    You did a good job introducing the characters and throwing us into your world. I already hate Edward. I know Valeria is in danger, but I don't see much danger in the query. ou gave a bit by saying Edward wants her head on his wall, but she honestly seems "meh" about it. Maybe bump up the tension a bit if you can.

    Good luck.

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  13. Thank you for all your comments. You are making a difference to how I look at this query and I thought I'd give a few points of the story itself.

    The novel is YA rather than MG because of some of the scenes in the book wouldn't be suitable for middle grade kids. I've tried to make the way Valaria hunts and the way she would teach her cubs to survive fairly realistic. It is not gory and doesn't have unnecessary violence in it, but I think it is too much for smaller kids. Although she speaks to her cubs and mate she doesn't speak to humans, so she isn't a true Anthropomorphic character. The owner of the zoo is Edward Forsyth and he employed a keeper to look after his collection. It is this keeper who killed her mate, Aurelius.

    Exmoor forest is use by a lot of people; hikers, people walking their dogs etc and as the weather improves the number increases making her discovery a real danger. Even though jaguars are hard to spot, Exmoor forest is not as large as north american forests making it harder for her to bring her cubs up without being spotted.

    Because Edward's collection is illegal, he doesn't want anyone to know that one of his animals is on the loose, so he must hunt her down, and killing her is an easier option than trying to trap her. This character is a hunter and trader if endangered species.

    "Valaria is young, imprisoned, and pregnant. She’s also a jaguar.

    Ripped from her home in the southern Pantanal region of Brazil, she and her mate are cast into a cold and damp illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England.

    When her mate is slain by their keeper she grabs the opportunity to escape, but preparing for the imminent birth of her cubs may be harder than she could have ever imagined. Heavily frequented by humans, the north Devon woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. Bringing them into the world may be one thing, but raising them safely is another matter.

    If her captor, Edward Forsyth, succeeds in tracking her down then putting herself between the barrel of his gun and her cubs to ensure their freedom may be her only option."

    Thank you Michelle and everyone else who has commented. I have one more run through of the MS before I start sending it out :)

    I'll jump on and look at the other queries and try and help if I can.

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  14. A couple of comments on the latest posted revision.

    The first sentence reads odd. Try reading it aloud if you haven't already. A lot of information is dumped into it so you want to be sure it's clear. Is the region of Brazil important to the story? Or could you just mention Brazil? Where she is NOW feels like it should get more attention.

    Nitpick, but Edward is her former captive once she escapes. I'm not sure that truly matters or if I am picking.

    Overall I think it's catchy. Maybe it's my own bloodthirsty tendencies, but maybe a mention about fighting to protect her young? "putting herself between the barrel of his gun and her cubs to ensure their freedom may be her only option" can read more like a sacrifice than a protection. If she dies, what chance to her cubs have? It may be the way she thinks, but then maybe something about her cub's survival is more important than her own and she'll sacrifice herself to protect them.

    Since the focus is on motherhood, I feel like maybe there should be more rar momma attack, if that's what is in the ms, of course. :)

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  15. When I first heard this was a jaguar fantasy, I immediately thought shape shifter. I think a clarification of a description of the jaguar would help with that confusion.

    I also agree with the possibility to change it to MG although I'm not sure how graphic your content is. Also the word count would definitely need to be narrowed to a smaller value, probably below 50k.

    Hope this helps and good luck!

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