Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other five query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other five query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear Michelle Hauck,
For Creed, Fanglore is just another country to conquer, and Manecor just another city to topple. The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blond is just another girl to rape. That is, until she steals his soul.
Now, separated from his army and with no emotions, Creed must rely on Sara, an enemy healer, to guide him across this foreign land in order to rejoin his regiment.
Pursued by deformed monsters that relish their own pain, Creed’s soulless body begins to erode into one of the creatures that plague him around every turn. With no choice but to forsake his army, it becomes a race against time to find the demon and take back his soul, or become enslaved to the very evil that destroyed his life. But when a forced partnership becomes a friendship, will he be able to pay the price to regain his humanity?
Soulless Ones is an adult dark fantasy of 81,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy notes:
For Creed, Fanglore is just another country to conquer, and Manecor just another city to topple. The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blonde is just another girl to rape. That is, until she(shows herself as a demon and) steals his soul. (An antihero? Interesting. I'd give us a little (possibly tiny amount) more detail about who Creed is. Is one soldier among many? The leader of an army? A politician? Does he have a title like general? If he's just a cog in the machine, does he enjoy this sort of work or is it just a job to him? Though a warning that mention of rape is going to turn a lot of agents off instantly and it doesn't make me too happy either. You might change it to "use" and leave it more vague. Also you just kind of throw demon into the mix below; you'd better establish it here first.)
Now, separated from his army and with no emotions, Creed must rely on Sara, an enemy healer, to guide him across this foreign land in order to rejoin his regiment. (I'm interested, but why does she agree to this? What's her motivation and what's his? Does he hope for help there? A magical cure? Does he need to find the blond? This paragraph is a little too short. It needs to say more about the situation. It can also clear up whether magic is known in this world or if it's a surprise to Creed.)
Pursued by deformed monsters that relish their own pain (why? Why do they chase him in particular or do they chase everyone?), Creed’s soulless body begins to erode into one of the creatures that plague him around every turn. With no choice (I think you mean his path to his army is blocked. Subtle difference. He'd go there if he could.) but to forsake his army, it becomes a race against time to find the demon(the blonde? Because I thought she was human.) and take back his soul, or become enslaved to the very evil that destroyed his life.(As he's sort of evil to start with, I'm not sure I care. Give us a sentence about his changing heart first before the stakes.) But when a forced partnership becomes a friendship, will he be able to pay the price(The price is unclear. I'm guessing he has to betray Sara but stating that would be more interesting. Specific details!) to regain his humanity? (Rephrase so it's not a question perhaps. He'll have to consider whether to pay...)
Soulless Ones is an adult dark fantasy of 81,000 words. (Word count is okay, but most adult fantasy are going to be closer to 90K or over.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, (I always suggest paying clients cut this word. Thanks and consideration are enough.)
So an antihero! My suggestions would be to clear up a few of the points I mentioned above (like Sara's motivation) and give us a little more about his character arc. How does Creed start to change?
Also I would try and insert more of Creed's voice into the wording of your query. What swear words would he use? What slang can you use to replace more everyday words? Focus on showcasing his antihero personality and make it shine.
Good luck!
I agree that we need more information on who Creed is and what Sara's motivations are. I feel like you can hook people with plot or with character, but it's best to hook with both, and right now Sara feels more like a plot device than a character.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think we need more of the world's mythos. Who is at war with whom? Are these monsters chasing Creed common, or are they attracted just to him? Without a (brief sense) of the environment, I'm having a hard time making out how unique Creed's plight is. It's hard to strike a balance between too vague and too detailed, but I think you could definitely add some more specifics.
DeleteIn terms of concrete changes, I would definitely add more to the second paragraph about Sara. I'm also confused about his desire first to rejoin his regiment rather than regain his soul-- it seems like the soul part is more important, so I might strike out all together the regiment part (especially if it's more of a set-up or subplot).
I think you give a good idea of the stakes-- regain his soul, lose his newfound friendship-- but I'd love to see you set up more of a tension between the two, possibly with more specifics.
I was a little confused about the blond and Sara. I know about limiting names in a query, but the soul stealer feels like, as she seems to be the inciting incident creator, some other descriptor. Even if it's only something like "the woman he only refers to as The Blond". And, I would have loved a little more about Sara. Like, why does he suddenly care about her? Are they friends, is that a rare thing for him because of who he is/his situation?
ReplyDeleteThe rape word throws me as well. Softening it would certainly make me want to know more. As is, even for an anti-hero...some things just squick me.
Oh, and like Katie said, I'd definitely like to know a little more about the world. We get the kingdom name and the city name, but they come in a vacuum. Such and such place, called the Jewel of the South, or Such and such, called the Armpit of the continent, comes across as more evocative.
Note: I'm using CAPS to set my comments apart within the query letter.
ReplyDelete---
Dear Michelle Hauck,
For Creed, Fanglore is just another country to conquer, and Manecor just another city to topple. The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blond is just another girl to rape (I CRINGED AT READING THE 'RAPE' PART. AND SINCE THE WORD USAGE SAYS 'JUST ANOTHER GIRL TO', IT LEADS ME TO BELIEVE HE'S A HABITUAL RAPIST. WHICH THEN SPIRALS INTO: I'M STOPPING HERE; THIS PROB ISN'T FOR ME). That is, until she steals his soul.
Now, separated from his army and with no emotions, Creed must rely on Sara, an enemy healer, to guide him across this foreign land in order to rejoin his regiment.
Pursued by deformed monsters that relish their own pain, Creed’s soulless body begins to erode into one of the creatures that plague him around every turn. With no choice but to forsake his army, it becomes a race against time to find the demon and take back his soul (I'M CONFUSED. I WAS ASSUMING SARA WAS THE BLOND GIRL WHO STOLE HIS SOUL. BUT SHE ISN'T? A DEMON DID? I THINK THIS NEEDS MORE SPECIFICS TO CLARIFY THINGS), or become enslaved to the very evil that destroyed his life (I'M NOT READING ANYTHING THAT MAKES ME CARE ABOUT WHETHER HE SUCCEEDS). But when a forced partnership becomes a friendship, will he be able to pay the price to regain his humanity?
Soulless Ones is an adult dark fantasy of 81,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Hello!
ReplyDeleteMy first reaction is this looks quite short – and when I count up the words in the first 3 paragraphs, there are about 150, which tells me you could give us almost another 100 words of information before you risk giving out too much. Please do, because there are some confusing bits as others have mentioned above.
We want to understand what Sara's motivations are in helping him. We also want to understand why his first instinct is to rejoin his regiment as opposed to chasing after his soul.
Based on the first two sentences of the query, it seems like he's a pretty soulless person before he actually loses his soul, so mentioning he is trying to regain his humanity in the last sentence of the third paragraph is confusing to me. There must be some distinguishing characteristics between Creed with a soul and Creed without a soul (other than the eroding body) which you can establish in paragraph 1.
In addition, I would suggest you consider rephrasing the second sentence of the query. As a female reader, you have completely lost my interest with a statement like: "The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blond is just another girl to rape" in a book that otherwise sounds like it could be interesting. Softening that phrase could go a long way in getting others to continue to read. Please remember of course, this is my opinion and others may feel differently.
Julie Ferguson
Hi! Putting some comments in parentheses in line with the query.
ReplyDeleteFor Creed, Fanglore is just another country to conquer, and Manecor just another city to topple. The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blond is just another girl to rape (Um, ew. Not sure you want to start your query with such levity toward rape. That could be a potential turn off for a lot of people.). That is, until she steals his soul.
Now, separated from his army and with no emotions, Creed must rely on Sara, an enemy healer, to guide him across this foreign land in order to rejoin his regiment. (How does him not having a soul/emotions make it so he can't get where he's going? I'm not sure I see the connection well enough. Also, I'm not a fan of Creed at this point after all the fighting and murdering and raping of women, so...why should I care if poor soulless Creed can get himself home? You've got to give us a reason to root for him, and it had better be a good one to balance out that doozy of a first paragraph.)
Pursued by deformed monsters that relish their own pain (just making sure I've got this right, since I'm a tiny bit unsure - the monsters like being hurt? Do they feed off their own pain?), Creed’s soulless body begins to erode into one of the creatures that plague him around every turn (This feels a bit muddled. Maybe if you went with Creed's body eroding into a monster that relishes pain, putting the description of the monsters later, instead of leading with it?). With no choice but to forsake his army, it becomes a race against time to find the demon (Oh, so the blondie was a demon? Still not fond of the fact that he raped her or tried to.) and take back his soul, or become enslaved to the very evil that destroyed his life. But when a forced partnership becomes a friendship, will he be able to pay the price to regain his humanity? (Hmm. If he has no emotions, how is he forming friendships? And how does he care about whether he gets back to normal?)
I think there are 2 main problems with this one. 1, I don't really care about the main character and whether he makes it. It sounds harsh, sorry. But either you've got to find a way to make him more sympathetic or explain how the stakes are broad enough that this one person matters, even if he's a bit of a jerk. 2, the stakes aren't clear enough for me. You sprang the demon stealing his soul and him possibly turning into a monster without enough info on how all these things are connected. And then allude to his friendship with someone, I'm assuming the healer girl, and that getting his soul back might somehow cost that friendship? But again, the connection isn't clear enough for me to feel like the stakes are real and urgent. I think your query might actually be too short, when most of us go on too long. Personally, I feel like we need a little bit more information overall for the plot and stakes to feel organic, and for the MC to matter to me as a reader.
I think I know what you were trying to go for in the first paragraph by continually repeating 'just another'. He's bored, right? But I found it a bit boring too. Also identifying the MC as a career killer and rapist would completely turn me away. Maybe tone it down a bit.
ReplyDeleteIf he has no emotions, why does he care about his army? Or losing his soul? Does Sara mean something to him?
A little more info on the stakes and the characters might make the MC seem redeemable.