Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 4

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.

The query without my notes:

Dear __________

Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak. She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide.

Just when she’s about to break down completely, Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.

Lucy is scared and sad, but also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her. Lucy has to get out of there asap.

Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability.

Lucy plans to escape and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.

LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words.

I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore 
LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.

Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

And with my crazy comments:

Dear __________:

Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak (Maybe qualify this by saying who finds her a freak. Some might be offended by the word and it being applied to mental health. It helps that this is own voices, but maybe soften it somewhat. ...Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews hates? that she's considered a freak by those who don't know her.) She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. (I like how you give specific details here. I'm interested.) Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide over a year in unrelated incidents. (A little confused because I thought this horrible tragedy would be the focus of the story. Maybe include a time period and say that the incidents are unrelated to play this aspect of the story down and make it mean a little less. If this happened all at once, I'm sure she'd be really crushed and completely fall apart. Does this happen all at once, within a year?)

Just when she’s about to break down completely(Maybe something about "the last straw" instead), Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.

Lucy is scared and sad, but (Something feels off here. Is she accepting of this as being a benefit? Because that's how it sounds. Maybe go with that and then have her suspicions rise. ...scared and sad, but accepting it's her best chance for healing until she realizes something...) also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her(maybe a bit more detail (few words) on how). Lucy(Feels off to repeat her name. Like it's adding distance from the character. Maybe: It's time to get out of there asap.) has to get out of there asap.

Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability. (I like how you show how the story escalates. It's not often I say this but I feel like there are too many details here. Or maybe it seems like it could be shortened and said quicker with more punch. She's offered an experimental drug with the promise of seeing her father and possibly being discharged early. Though the drug helps her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it takes away everything that makes her Lucy. As she fights back, refusing the drug and threatening to expose the hospital, a doctor threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. Then go into your stakes. Either she does as she's told and hopes for the best, or she can prove something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before they unmake everything she is.)

Lucy plans to escape(already said) and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.

LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words. (I would combine this with the bio paragraph below. Like so) I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.

Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely, (As I said before this isn't needed, but it's up to you.)


I think this query has a real handle on the story line and you make Lucy sound interesting. I would concentrate on removing extra wordage and punching up the prose for more intensity. It sounds very intriguing! 

Good luck! 

19 comments:

  1. I also thought all of the suicides were going to play a major part in the story. I assumed the main plot line was going to hinge on discovering what was "behind" the sudden rash of suicides. Maybe make them less of a focus in the opening lines of the query? Or just generalize them by lumping them together (instead of individualizing each suicide)? Like Michelle, I assumed that these suicides all happened within the last year or so. If that's not the case, maybe reword to indicate that so it doesn't seem like it's all so recent.

    As an aside, I love the premise of this book and I, too, have GAD, so *hugs* (unless that makes you anxious, in which case, *waves* from other side of room!)

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    1. Isn't GAD the worst?! My anxiety was out of control a few weeks ago so I gave up caffeine and it has helped so much. It probably helps that I'm off work for the summer, too, lol. I miss caffeine but I'd rather feel exhausted than have that constant panic feeling!

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  2. Loved the mention of the story escalating! I feel like in my queries I miss this sometime in favor of details that aren't necessary.

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  3. I struggle with what to do bio-wise in a query, so I'm glad to see a quick line here. So many people say that if you don't have any writing accomplishments, don't bother, but others say you should talk about your experience as it relates to your story.

    As far as the story, how is it that the doctor in charge of her ward also has any jurisdiction over what happens to her father? Is there a quick connection we can draw here? Like "Dr. Faust, Head of _______, threatens..." Or something like that? Because I feel like we need to know how legitimate this threat could be for her.

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    1. That's a good point! I'll have to work on that.

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  4. I think there's at least one advantage to the original phrasing of the first sentence, "Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she's a freak." I don't think mental illness makes someone a freak AT ALL, but she might think that of herself. Using the phrase "knows she's a freak", makes it feel like we're inside her head. If you change it to "knows she's considered a freak by those who don't know her", it feels more matter-of-fact and distant from the character's mind, but I also see the point about it being harsh. There might be a middle ground, such as "Sixteen-year-old Lucy knows everyone thinks she's a freak." This way, instead of "she's considered..." you have a more active phrase.

    I agree about being confused by the part about the suicides. It does feel like a lot of detail at once. Maybe we don't need to know she stays with Janice's parents. Also, I think "odd, compulsive behaviors" could just be "compulsive behaviors".

    This premise is intriguing!

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    1. I like your suggestion about the freak sentence. Thanks, Cimone!

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  5. Hey! Leaving my thoughts before reading other people's. I'll try and use CAPS as others have been doing to critique in-line.


    "Dear __________

    Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak. She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide. A STRONG OPENING, BUT IT SEEMS ODD TO HAVE SO MANY SUICIDES ONE AFTER THE OTHER. I READ AHEAD IN YOUR QUERY, AND SINCE THERE'S NO MYSTERY ABOUT THE SUICIDES/NOTHING THAT MAKES THEM UNUSUAL, YOU MAY WANT TO CONTEXTUALIZE A LITTLE. I'M NOT SAYING THIS COULDN'T HAPPEN, BUT IT STRIKES ME AS ODD IN AN OTHERWISE STRAIGHTFORWARD QUERY.

    Just when she’s about to break down completely, Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors. I THINK IT'S THE THREE SUICIDES ALL AT ONCE, BUT AS A CONSEQUENCE OF THAT THIS STARTS TO SEEM UNREALISTIC AS WELL. IT READS WELL THOUGH, AND YOUR QUERY GRABS THE READER'S ATTENTION ALL THE WAY THROUGH. AS SOMEONE WITH OCD I'M REALLY INTERESTED IN THIS STORY.

    Lucy is scared and sad, but also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her. Lucy has to get out of there asap. THIS IS SUPER EXCITING TO ME. I WOULD BUY THIS BOOK ON THE STRENGTH OF THIS PARAGRAPH ALONE--NO JOKE.

    Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability. LOVE THE FAUSTIAN REFERENCE--MAYBE THERE IS SOME SUPERNATURAL MYSTERY BEHIND THE SCENES? YOU MAY WANT TO BE CAREFUL OF MAKING IT SOUND LIKE THE NARRATIVE STIGMATIZES MEDICATION AS A MEANS OF TREATMENT.

    Lucy plans to escape and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.

    LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words.

    I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore
    LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research. THIS IS GREAT TO INCLUDE, AND EASES SOME OF MY CONCERNS ABOUT CERTAIN ELEMENTS BEING UNREALISTIC, ETC.

    Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

    Sincerely,"


    Your story sounds so exciting! I don't read a whole lot of YA, but as soon as I hit that third paragraph I didn't care and wanted to read your book anyway. I think the main thing (unless this is intentional) is not to make it sound too over-the-top (unless you intend for there to be a supernatural element).

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    1. Thanks for all of your feedback! I was worried about making it sound like I'm stigmatizing medication which is the last thing I want to do (anti-anxiety medication has been a life line for me!) So throughout the novel I mention how helpful medication can be, just not the meds they're being given in that hospital. The characters make reference to that. Thanks again!

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    2. Awesome! I figured that would be the case but thought I would mention it. Your story looks great--I love the mystery element. Good luck with querying!

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  6. Thanks so much Michelle! YOU ROCK! And thanks for all the comments!

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  7. The suicides do take place one after another and are connected to the hospital, so I'm adding a line about that at the end. So glad you all pointed that out! And the part about her being curious does sound off so I'm "borrowing" Michelle's line, lol. I'm also "borrowing" the paragraph about "everything that makes her Lucy." That is a great line! Thanks again, everyone!

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  8. Hello!

    I don’t want to repeat what others have said, so what sticks out to me is whether this is a thriller/suspense? If so, you may want to make that more clear as opposed to just YA contemporary. Is Lucy going to be an unreliable narrator? If so, that may be an element to enhance in the query as well.

    Definitely weave in how the suicides and father’s coma are connected to the corrupt hospital, because otherwise we as readers start to think something paranormal or supernatural is happening.

    If you can, it might also help to weave in why the doctor is doing this (without diving into his POV or giving too much away). Is it just to be able to test an experimental OCD drug on teenagers?

    Very interesting premise!

    Julie Ferguson

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    1. Julie,

      You did four critiques and have earned the right to be in my next batch of queries. Please send your query to me at Michelle9Hauck at aol dot com.

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  9. It could be considered a thriller. Yes, Lucy is a reliable narrator. The doctor has a personal reason for creating the drug...Thanks for your feedback!

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  10. I love this query and I love this story! I like the opening hook. It puts me in Lucy's head right away. Aside from agreeing to add a bit more connecting the suicides, and the father's condition to the hospital/doc element, I think this is awesome!

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  11. I think this would read better in the 3 or 5 paragraph format. There are a lot of points here, but they are individual paragraphs. I also thought the initial points of the suicides and death would play a larger part. I was confused at first at how old Lucy was, with having an adult be her best friend. Then she goes to live with that adults parents? That struck me as odd. The stakes are laid out toward the end; I think this part of the story could be played up earlier. Also, I like to know the genre/word count/title earlier on so I know right away that this is YA. Good job!

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  12. Lucy's best friend is her age - sixteen. I'll have to make that more clear. Thanks, for your feedback!

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