Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 5

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.   

The query without my notes:

Dear [Agent],

When seventeen-year-old Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce. But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital, he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.

Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black market currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20 days without magic, and Nick only has 15 left. He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid of his uncontrollable magic.

With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned and in danger of being killed for the power she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to question if he wants to give it up to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving.

THE LIGHT WITCH is a 100,000-word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential.

I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.

I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

And with my crazy notes:

Dear [Agent],:

When seventeen-year-old (Good hyphens done right. Of all the grammar problems, it's most often hyphens that are wrong or missing.) Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. (I would expand on this and detail what type of magic instead of just using that word. What he can do will be more enticing than the word magic.) He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce (Interesting complications for a plot! Not to be cold but this is your unique aspect. Play it to the full.). But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital (That's the problem with just saying magic. We have no idea what he did here. Add the details above so you don't have to here.) , he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.

Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed (Don't need to know) into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black-market (Hyphens again. Black describes the market and not the currency.) currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20(spell out numbers under 100. so twenty.) days without magic, and Nick only has 15 fifteen left. (Now I'm really interested. Another unique aspect.) He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid (juicier word? dump?)  of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid(So don't repeat words. Change one of the 'get rid' phrases to something else.)  of his uncontrollable magic (A different, fresher word than 'magic' here. It's been said too often. You really have to watch repeating key words in a query.).

With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned(I don't get abandoned. They didn't have have much of a relationship to start with. Maybe 'alone in a freaky world.' Something with his voice.) and in danger of being killed for these unwanted powers she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to questions if he wants to give it up surrender it (Stronger verbs.) to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving. (Interesting stakes. Watch the over-wordage. My problem is that the disease doesn't get mentioned in the last paragraph. It's one of your unique hooks. Come back to it. Also unclear whether he will die when Simran does.) 

THE LIGHT WITCH (I forgot to say this on other entries but all caps on your title and italics) is a 100,000 word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential. (Join those paragraphs together like this:) I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.

I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit. (This should probably go at the front of the query.) 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, (Everyone really loves their sincerelys. It's not necessary but okay.)

This is a good example of a query with unique concepts and traits that I would be looking to mentor. (I don't take YA so no conflict of interests, but see me for Nightmare on Query Street if you're still on the market.) I'd say this query just needs some tweaking to strengthen some word choices and bring back in how his disease affects his choice at the end.

Good luck!  

5 comments:

  1. My (probably) useless thoughts in all caps. (: I haven't looked at anyone else's feedback yet.


    "Dear [Agent],

    When seventeen-year-old Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. "GIVE HIM MAGIC" IS FINE, BUT SOMEHOW I FEEL LIKE IT COULD BE PHRASED MORE ARTFULLY? I KNOW THAT'S SUPER VAGUE, BUT THE SENTENCE'S CADENCE IS OFF FOR ME. IT FEELS BLUNT AFTER THE REST OF THE SENTENCE. GOOD OPEN THOUGH! He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce. But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital, he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her. THIS IS ALL VERY TENSE AND EXCITING, BUT I FEEL LIKE SPECIFICS WOULD UP THE TENSION EVEN MORE. WHAT IS HIS POWER? HOW DOES IT HURT HIS MOM? ALSO, SOME CHARACTERIZATION WOULD BE GREAT HERE--HE LACKS THE ABILITY TO CONTROL BOTH SITUATIONS, SO HOW DOES HE FEEL ABOUT THAT?

    Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed into I THINK YOU CAN REPLACE "LEADS TO . . ." WHICH IS A BIT AWKWARD, WITH "TAKES/LEADS HIM TO THE OTHERSIDE" the Otherside—a new OMIT "NEW," AS THAT'S IMPLIED world where spells are black market currency. OOO! NEAT CONCEPT! I'M CURIOUS AS TO HOW YOU CAN "SELL" A SPELL THOUGH? CAN THE PREVIOUS OWNER STILL USE THAT SPELL? It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20 days without magic, and Nick only has 15 "FIFTEEN" left. I LIKE THIS FROM "NO WITCH")--VERY TENSE. He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid of his uncontrollable magic WATCH OUT FOR "MAGIC" REPEATED HERE TWICE.

    THIS SETS UP SOME INTERESTING POSSIBILITIES, BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC AND ALSO FRAME IT IN A WAY THAT HIGHLIGHTS THE CHARACTERS' PERSONALITIES A BIT MORE.

    With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned and in danger of being killed for the power she gave him. WHY? To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. THIS IS A BIT REPETITIVE--YOU STATE THIS IN YOUR LAST PARAGRAPH, MORE OF LESS. IS THERE A WAY TO FOLD THE TWO SENTENCES TOGETHER? But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to question if he wants to give it up to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving. I REALLY LIKE THIS BIT AT THE END--TENSION, INNER CONFLICT, AND STAKES ARE ALL PRESENT.

    THE LIGHT WITCH is a 100,000-word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential.

    I am an Ontario-based writer HEY! I'M FROM CANADA TOO. I LIVED IN WATERLOO FOR TWO YEARS. (:, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes. THESE ARE GREAT CREDENTIALS!

    I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Sincerely,"


    Your story sounds amazing, but I'm not sure the query is doing what you need it to. The premise itself is very cool, but many of the elements at work here lack context. It's not clear, for instance, if (during the events described at the end of paragraph two) whether Nick found Simran and then (in paragraph 3) she went missing, or if he never found her to begin with. The magic system/culture here is very different from anything I've seen before, which is fantastic. As a consequence, though, I think you'll need to state more clearly how it works. I would start with something as simple as saying, ". . . when he stumbles upon a witch who gives him the power of X." We don't know what the ability/spell is that's causing Nick's problem.

    Hope my comments were helpful!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Steve,

      You gave four critiques and have earned a spot in my next batch of queries. You can send your query to me at Michelle9Hauck at aol dot com.

      Delete
  2. I'm using CAPS to set apart my notes. Take what you will and ignore the rest. Good luck with Pitch Wars!
    ----

    Dear [Agent], (COLON INSTEAD OF A COMMA)

    When seventeen-year-old Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic (WHAT KIND OF MAGIC?). He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce. But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital, he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her (I LIKE THIS HOOK. BUT WHAT'D HIS MAGIC DO TO HIS MOM? MAGIC IS A VERY, VERY BROAD TERM).

    Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black market currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20 days without magic, and Nick only has 15 left. He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid of his uncontrollable magic (I DIG THIS CONCEPT. JUST THINK WORD USAGE NEEDS TIGHTENING).

    With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned and in danger of being killed for the power she gave him (THIS MAKES IT SOUND LIKE THEY WERE TOGETHER PREVIOUSLY, BUT AS I UNDERSTOOD IT, HIS WHOLE QUEST IS TO FIND HER. YOU MAY WANT TO REWORD THIS TO CLARIFY BETTER). To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to question if he wants to give it up to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving (YOU MIGHT TRY AND WORK IN HIS CONDITION INTO THIS ONCE MORE. LIKE, DOES THE MAGIC LESSEN HIS MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY? THAT'D BE A SOLID PERSONAL REASON TO WANTING TO KEEP THE MAGIC.).

    THE LIGHT WITCH is a 100,000-word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential.

    I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.

    I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Sincerely,

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hello!

    Paragraph 1: I like the opening and the second sentence which gives us some details about his normal life. The sentence is good as well, but note you’ve used “control” twice in this sentence for a total of 3 times.

    Paragraph 2: I think you’ll want to make more clear why she sold some of her magic and gave the rest of it away (why didn’t she sell it all if she wanted so bad to give it away? The third sentence beginning “No witch has ever survived…” gets confusing because the second half of the sentence referring to Nick having only 15 days left (implying he’s a witch, but what I really think you’re trying to say Simran only has 15 days left.) Note the word magic is used 4 times in this paragraph. Find some ways to change it up. For example: “He doesn’t know why Simran risked her life to get rid of her magic, but saving her is the only way she can take back her unwanted gift.”

    Paragraph 3: I don’t follow the Nick is abandoned point. How? This also leads to the point about her selling some and giving the rest of it away. That is confusing to me. Good stakes and consequences, though.

    I hope this is helpful.

    Julie Ferguson

    ReplyDelete
  4. I like the unique aspects of this query. Like Michelle said, some cleaning up and clarity of plot aspects in the middle would help. I also am more inclined to include the genre/word count (and title) in the first paragraph because it took me some time to get to the point of ah, this is a YA fantasy. The stakes and conflict are clearly there (this is great). You have hooked me into the story. I am confuse do the 15 days...does that mean it's been 5 days since she sold her magic? With some polish this will be a great query! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete