Monday, December 2, 2013

Fall Query Extravaganza 14

If you'd like to win a private query + first chapter critique from me in celebration of 100K page views, go here

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. Right now my queue is full.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:



Attn. Agent:

I am seeking an agent for DIFFRACTED, my young adult, urban fantasy novel. It is complete at 68,000 words and takes place in Prism, a civilization based on South Africa’s apartheid society.

When the Red King and Queen give birth to Zander, their only son and heir to the throne, his Violet skin challenges Prism’s segregated society and prohibits him from integrating with the Reds despite his royal lineage. The racist remarks, the looks of hatred from unashamed bigots, and the unfair treatment from his teacher and parents begin to wear him down. He almost looks forward to his Diffraction—the royal law decreeing that citizens must reside within their own skin color’s region.

As fifteen-year-old Zander struggles to adjust to his new life among the Violets after the Diffraction, he learns they need his assistance for what they covet: equality. With Zander’s insider knowledge of the Palace’s inner workings, he is the only person who could overthrow the king and queen. As he gains more information about the coup, Zander realizes his involvement could have devastating consequences, leaving him to question what is more important: the lives of his two parents, or the well-being of the hundreds of Violets who suffer under their rule.

This manuscript was influenced by my focus on African Studies at Yale University and Emory University and draws heavily from my three classes on South Africa. I am also a member of the SCBWI.  DIFFRACTED has series potential, but it can stand alone as is. Due to your interest in young adult fiction, I am querying you because I believe you would be an ideal representative for this project. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

With my comments: 

Attn. Agent: Using 'Attention' might sound a little like a public address announcement at the airport. Go for the more informal and relaxed 'dear.' Never forget that agents are people too, not just giant amazing figures on pedestals. 

I am seeking an agent for DIFFRACTED, my young adult, urban fantasy novel. It is complete at 68,000 words and takes place in Prism, a civilization based on South Africa’s apartheid society. Interesting concept. Word count might be a little low for a fantasy. 

When the Red King and Queen give birth to Zander, their only son and heir to the throne, his Violet skin challenges Prism’s segregated society and prohibits him from integrating with the Reds despite his royal lineage. This sentence is a large bite to digest at once. I'd probably break it down some. Zander, only son and heir of the Red King and Queen, is born with Violet skin. Even his royal lineage can't break the segregation that prohibits him from Red society.  The racist remarks, the looks of hatred from unashamed bigots, and the unfair treatment from his teacher and parents begin to wears him down (Again with the try--'begins'--, my padawan. Yoda says go straight for stronger sentences.) He almost looks forward to his Diffraction—the royal law decreeing that citizens must reside within their own skin color’s region. 'Almost' weakens your sentence also. Here is a good spot to work in his age. His Diffraction at age X--the royal law decreeing citizens must reside within their own color region--is a relief.  I put 'is' because it sounds like the event has already happened. 

As fifteen-year-old  (cut because I put it in sooner) Zander struggles to adjust to his new life among the Violetsafter the Diffraction (understood) Be specific here, how is their life different. Give us a reason to care about their plight. So far it just seems they have to live apart. Are they separate but equal? Are they in slums? Beat and tortured? Slaves? , he learns After all, they need his assistance for what they covet: equality. With Zander’s insider knowledge of the Palace’s inner (You don't need 'insider' and 'inner'.) workings, he is the only person who could overthrow the king and queen. Why? What does he know that will save the day? Sounds like he can lead the Violets into the palace. With Zander's memory of the palace, he's the only person who can take them inside to overthrow the king and queen. I'm still not getting a good sense of the difference between the groups. As he gains more information about the coup, Zander realizes his involvement could have devastating consequences. Again I'd probably shorten and end the sentence right here. Don't be afraid to give a little more detail., leaving him to question what is more important: This is real subjective, but I'd stick with one colon per query. Otherwise agents might wonder if all your writing is complicated and it comes across as stiff. the lives of his two parents, or the well-being of the hundreds of Violets who suffer under their rule. He'll have to weigh the lives of his parents against the well-being of hundreds of Violets who suffer under their rule. 

First, we haven't seen how they are suffering yet. Second, his parents weren't so great to him. This may not be a hard decision for Zander. 

This manuscript was influenced by my focus on African Studies at Yale University and Emory University and draws heavily from my three I don't think we need to number, and thus limit, the information. classes on South Africa. I am also a member of the SCBWI. All useful information! DIFFRACTED has series potential, but it can stand alone as is. Due to your interest in young adult fiction, I am querying you because I believe you would be an ideal representative for this project. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. Again personal preference, but I like to get the bio, genre and word count all in one paragraph. It just makes the query look better by limiting the paragraphs and it does join everything neatly as far as flow goes. 

Sincerely,

You need to give us a better sense of what is at stake for the Violets. How are they suffering? How are the Reds getting the best of everything? And be more concise on how Zander can help them overthrow the Reds.

If possible, give us more about why Zander is torn between his parents and the Violets. Does he still love them? What are his feelings toward his parents? 


7 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This sounds cool, but also an awful lot like Divergent--with society segregated by colors instead of personality traits. Anything you can add to make it sound like less of a copy of that book would probably help. Clarifying the differences between the lives of the Reds and the Violets, as Michelle suggested, may be a good way to do this.
    Or am I the only one seeing the similarities between the two books?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I knew I should read this book! Divergent is on my list to read over Christmas break. I'll have to take your word, Kara, until then. :-)

      Delete
    2. I hope you enjoy it! I'm sure you saw the fury on Twitter over the ending of the 3rd book. Personally, I liked it!

      Delete
  3. I like the concept of the novel and adding the dimension about aparteid heightens the premise. I would like to see more on why he would care about his parents and the Reds and what are the consequences with his involvement. Is he the one that can bring both sides together? Does he really love his parents even though they are not color blind and are prejudice. Those are just a few items that if more spelled out could set this book apart from similar concept books. Good Luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've learned from my own query experience that it's easier to catch an agent's attention of if you start your query with the book instead of yourself. Maybe move that first paragraph down to the last, combining the two? Also, the agent knows you're seeking representation for you book, otherwise you wouldn't be querying them. In that last paragraph, the sentence that starts "Due to your interest in" is a little wordy. Maybe something simpler--"Due to your interest in YA, you'd be an ideal representative for DIFFRACTED"--would be better?

    Does your MS start when Zander's young and still living with his parents or after he's already living with the Violets? If the story starts when Zander's fifteen, there's a lot of first paragraph information that you could cut, which would leave you more query space to focus on Zander's present. What does he feel for his parents? How do the Violets know he's Red royalty? How is Zander's life different with the Violet's than with the Reds? Why would he want to help the Violets? I want more specific details about Zander life! Is the main conflict his decision to help the Violets or is it the war between the Violets and Reds? What happens to Zander if he helps the Violets? What happens to him if he doesn't?

    Your concept is interesting and I like that you've based it on South Africa classes. Did you have a chance to go there? I hope my comments help. Good luck to you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mainly, I'd say you need to make the stakes more obvious. Tighten up some of the sentences and add more voice. It would be nice to see more how Zander is, how his parents, are and so fourth. We don't really get a clear picture of the society, or even the characters.

    I'm assuming they're more characters? Do any of them deserve mentions maybe?

    ReplyDelete