Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear Awesome Agent,
Fifteen-year-old Micaela “Mica” Uribe never believed in her grandmother’s tales of magic and superstition, but when a trip to Cartagena, Colombia leaves her stranded ten years in the city's past, she’s forced to believe. Soon, she’s witnessing what she’d only seen in photographs: her own baptism, her grandparents’ wedding, and her great-great-grandparents. Though she has no control, one thing is clear: Time has a message for Mica.
Then her cousin’s best friend, Gianluca Echevarría, finds her in the 1700’s, right after her interference during a slave auction goes horribly wrong. As he teaches her to navigate the intricacies of the gift, she finds herself inexplicably drawn to him—something she soon discovers lies in the collective past they share.
When her grandmother dies suddenly in the present, Mica aims to reclaim lost time by seeking her in the past. Only she’s thrust into 1586 with Gianluca, right in the middle of Sir Francis Drake’s infamous attack on Cartagena. With the only exit to the city blocked by pirates and Gianluca wounded, Mica has no choice but to finally solve the riddle—or risk losing everything and everyone she holds dear.
THROUGH THE WALLED CITY, a YA novel with magical realism elements, is a story about the power of faith and unlikely second chances. It’s complete at 56,000 words.
I’m a proud Colombian-American. During a recent trip to Cartagena, I was fascinated by its diversity and the richness of its past and knew it was the perfect setting for Mica’s story. I hold BA and MA degrees in English Literature from Florida International University and a certificate in fiction from UCLA Extension Writers’ Program. I’m also an active member of SCBWI and AWP.
Sincerely,
With comments:
Fifteen-year-old Micaela “Mica” Uribe never believed in her grandmother’s tales of magic and superstition, but when until a trip to Cartagena, Colombia leaves her stranded ten years in the city's past, she’s forced to believe. Tighten. Soon, she’s witnessing what she’d only seen in photographs (more voice) Soon, she's got an upfront seat to her own baptism, and as time yanks her farther back, her grandparents’ wedding, and meeting her great-great-grandparents. This sounds a lot more than ten years back. Is she still going backward in time? Better make that clear. Though she has no control, one thing is clear: Time has a message for Mica. This could probably go.
Then her cousin’s best friend (Then a family friend from the present?), Gianluca Echevarría, finds her in the 1700’s, right after her interference during a slave auction goes horribly wrong. As he teaches her to navigate (maybe 'control' would be better.) the intricacies of the her gift, she's finds herself inexplicably drawn to him—something she soon discovers lies in their collective past they share. (Some filtering here that I've cut. Tighten.)
When her grandmother dies suddenly in the present, Mica aims to reclaim lost time by seeking her in the past. (How does Mica know her grandmother died if she's in the 1700s? I'm becoming a little lost. It feels like some pieces are missing here. Does the end of this sentence mean she is trying to change her grandmother's death?) Only she’s thrust into 1586 with Gianluca, right in the middle of Sir Francis Drake’s infamous attack on Cartagena. With the only exit to the city blocked by pirates and Gianluca wounded (Does she use exits to time travel? I'm not sure the exit is necessary to her. Maybe: With pirates pounding the city and Gianluca wounded,) , Mica has no choice but to finally solve the riddle—or risk losing everything and everyone she holds dear. (I find these stakes a little unclear. What does she want? What's keeping her from getting it? What will happen if she fails? Does it relate to her grandmother? Or does it relate to her shared past with Gianluca? That got lost. I do like queries that bring something from the first paragraph back into the sinker line so maybe connect back to the grandmother.)
THROUGH THE WALLED CITY, a YA novel with magical realism elements, is a story about the power of faith and unlikely second chances. It’s complete at 56,000 words. Word count may be a little low.
I’m a proud Colombian-American. During a recent trip to Cartagena, I was fascinated by its diversity and the richness of its past and knew it was the perfect setting for Mica’s story. I hold BA and MA degrees in English Literature from Florida International University and a certificate in fiction from UCLA Extension Writers’ Program. I’m also an active member of SCBWI and AWP. Strong bio and all important credits.
Sincerely,
What's missing here, to me, is Mica's motivation. What exactly does she want? Does she want out of here? Does she want to do more time traveling? Is family what makes her tick? Or romance?
Does she need to figure out her shared past with Gianluca or save her grandmother? Or a combo of the two?
And what sort of person is she? She's skeptical about her grandmother's tales but what else? Is she shy? Outgoing? Athletic? I'd like a better sense of her.
I was confused. First she went ten years back in time then she was in the 1700s then 1586 ... then how does she know her Grandmother dies in the present? I want to know what she wants, who she is then give the problem and what she will do to fix it. She wants ... when her ability to time travel surfaces, she flickers uncontrollably through the past. Her grandmother dies ... so she seeks her in the past ...
ReplyDeleteSolve what riddle? Is she trying to save her grandmother or just trying to connect with her past self? Why does she want this? Your first line made it sound like she thought her grandmother was a little crazy.
Simplify it. Let us know who she is, what she wants and what she does to get it ... and what she could lose if she doesn't.
Fifteen-year-old Micaela “Mica” Uribe never believed in her grandmother’s tales of magic and superstition, but when a trip to Cartagena, Colombia leaves her stranded ten years in the city's past, she’s forced to believe. Soon, she’s witnessing what she’d only seen in photographs: her own baptism, her grandparents’ wedding, and her great-great-grandparents. Though she has no control, one thing is clear: Time has a message for Mica.
ReplyDelete(First, I think you have an exciting premise here. Cartagena? Sign me up! Perhaps break up the first sentence and try to put it from Mica’s perspective. Also, you’re telling us about her witnessing things, but there’s little action in witnessing things. Shake those sentences up with the emotion of how she feels when she sees her parents baptizing her, etc.)
Then her cousin’s best friend, Gianluca Echevarría, finds her in the 1700’s, right after her interference during a slave auction goes horribly wrong. As he teaches her to navigate the intricacies of the gift, she finds herself inexplicably drawn to him—something she soon discovers lies in the collective past they share.
(How does her cousin’s best friend find her in the 1700s? Does her cousin travel in time as well? Is Gianluca from the 1700s? This is where I start to get confused. Also, you have lots of passive stuff going on, she’s being taught, she’s discovering; make this more active and from her voice. What goes wrong at the auction? You don’t want to introduce details you can’t explain. It might be better to use something from her perspective that shows what went wrong. You actually could take out the cousin part in the first sentence and just tell us more about Gianluca, since I see he’s important here )
When her grandmother dies suddenly in the present, Mica aims to reclaim lost time by seeking her in the past. Only she’s thrust into 1586 with Gianluca, right in the middle of Sir Francis Drake’s infamous attack on Cartagena. With the only exit to the city blocked by pirates and Gianluca wounded, Mica has no choice but to finally solve the riddle—or risk losing everything and everyone she holds dear.
(I think you could actually take the grandmother part out of this last paragraph since there’s enough going on with Gianluca and being in 1586. Also, what riddle? Does it have to do with the collective past? This isn’t clear to me. I’m also unclear how going back to 1586 will reconnect her with her grandmother. Is the time travel thing out of control? Or is gaining control of it part of the riddle?)
THROUGH THE WALLED CITY, a YA novel with magical realism elements, is a story about the power of faith and unlikely second chances. It’s complete at 56,000 words.
I’m a proud Colombian-American. During a recent trip to Cartagena, I was fascinated by its diversity and the richness of its past and knew it was the perfect setting for Mica’s story. I hold BA and MA degrees in English Literature from Florida International University and a certificate in fiction from UCLA Extension Writers’ Program. I’m also an active member of SCBWI and AWP.
(I think this sounds like a fun story, one I’d enjoy reading. Keep working on this. I swear, it takes longer to write the query than the manuscript. Best of luck with it!)