Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:
Sixteen-year-old Hazel wants to believe she isn’t going crazy. She wants to believe she isn’t seeing snow-tipped mountains beyond the Indiana fields or black beasts that stalk her from the shadows. But when Ethan—her boyfriend’s elusive roommate—disappears, she discovers his journal describing the same experiences…and more. Experiences more terrifying. He describes a parallel world that’s ripping him from his own and threatening to devour him.
Now when Hazel sees that mountain world, she sees Ethan there…dead. Worse, she’s hearing haunting voices, falling out of sync with time, and dreaming that someone’s torturing Ethan. The black beasts chase her, grasping for her heels, her life. The parallel world wants to destroy her next. Her boyfriend Cory recognizes that world’s growing hold on her and he’s determined to save her…except she’s not sure she wants to be saved.
WORLD’S EDGE, complete at 69,000 words, is young adult light science fiction with a contemporary setting. Though it stands alone, it has series potential. It will appeal to fans of dark science fiction worlds such as that of Fringe. It also contains a love triangle similar to Maureen Johnson’s THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH and Rick Yancey’s THE 5TH WAVE.
I graduated from Valparaiso University with dual degrees in English and biology/chemistry. I work as a flavor lab tech, which enhances my writing through intensive sensory exposure to taste and smell.
Thank you for considering WORLD’S EDGE.
Sincerely,
With comments:
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:
Sixteen-year-old Hazel wants to believe she isn’t going crazy. (Maybe: ... wants to believe she's not crazy. Less words equals more snap.) She wants to believe she isn’t can't be seeing snow-tipped mountains beyond the Indiana fields or black beasts that stalk stalking her from the shadows. But when Ethan—her boyfriend’s elusive roommate—disappears, she discovers (filtering) his journal describes ing the same experiences…and more. Experiences more terrifying. He describes a parallel world that’s ripping him from his own and threatening to devour him. This could use some tightening.
Sixteen-year-old Hazel wants to believe she's not crazy. She can't be seeing snow-tipped mountains beyond the Indiana fields or black beast stalking her from the shadows. But when Ethan--her boyfriend's elusive roommate--disappears, his journal describes the same experiences... and more. Terrifyingly more. A parallel world's ripping him free and threatening to devour him. (Fifty-five words instead of sixty-seven. Much more snappy. It's all about the snap.)
Now when Hazel sees (filtering) that mountain world appears, she Hazel foresees Ethan there…dead. (So she's having visions or is this actually something she sees? If he's not really dead, try 'foresees.') Worse, she’s hearing haunting voices haunt her, as she falls falling out of sync with time, and dreams ing that someone’s torturing Ethan. (I thought he was dead.) The black beasts chase her, grasping for her heels, her life. The parallel world wants to destroy her next. (Why? Just her in particular or everyone?) Her boyfriend Cory recognizes that world’s growing hold on her and he’s determined to save her…except she’s not sure she wants to be saved. I'd leave Cory out of it and keep the sinker line on Hazel. Throwing him in at the last sentence makes him seem like an afterthought. If you didn't need him earlier, then you don't need him here. Your focus should be on the MC in the last sentence.
I'm not sure I'm getting a good sense of what's happening. She's being drawn into another parallel world, but why? What factor is causing it? Also is Ethan dead or not? And what is Hazel trying to prevent from happening? Is the parallel world going to swallow up their world, making the problem a bigger threat? Or is the threat solely to Hazel?
Why wouldn't she want to be saved? The query doesn't really hint at the why. Is Ethan's disappearance her fault or does she like being chased by hounds? Maybe she wants to die for some reason, but without an explanation in the query it is just confusing.
Or maybe--after reading the rest below--, Hazel wants to vanish into the world to be with Ethan. Whichever is the case, you need to make it more clear.
Hazel can't decide whether she wants to stay in her own life with Cory or vanish into the strange new one with Ethan. Either way, she'll have to blank or blank will happen.
WORLD’S EDGE, complete at 69,000 words, is young adult light science fiction with a contemporary setting. (Personal preference but I think "Complete at 69,000 words, WORLD'S EDGE is a young adult light science fiction that stands along but has series potential" is more smooth. Putting something offset by commas is always like a stutter.) Though it stands alone, it has series potential. It will appeal to fans of dark science fiction worlds such as that of Fringe. It also contains a love triangle similar to Maureen Johnson’s THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH and Rick Yancey’s THE 5TH WAVE. (Wait, what? I didn't get any sense of this in the query. Either rework the query or ditch this sentence. It seems like... you might be trying to cast a wide net because you're not sure your query does it job. It's got a cool world, plus it's got this romance thing. That's all great to know and interesting, but it should show in the first paragraphs.)
I graduated from Valparaiso University with dual degrees in English and biology/chemistry. I work as a flavor lab tech, which enhances my writing through intensive sensory exposure to taste and smell. Using strong and interesting verbs and some descriptive adjectives will help show this also. Ethan--her boyfriend's elusive and totally sexy roommate-- That hints better at the love triangle. Then get something in earlier about Cory.
Thank you for considering WORLD’S EDGE.
Sincerely,
This query does a good job of describing the setup, but then goes off the rails a little with the stakes and motivation. A few changes to the second paragraph will get you back on track.
Sixteen-year-old Hazel wants to believe she isn’t going crazy. She wants to believe she isn’t seeing snow-tipped mountains beyond the Indiana fields or black beasts that stalk her from the shadows. But when Ethan—her boyfriend’s elusive roommate—disappears, she discovers his journal describing the same experiences…and more. Experiences more terrifying. He describes a parallel world that’s ripping him from his own and threatening to devour him.
ReplyDelete(How about 16yo Hazel fears she’s going crazy. When she sees snow-tipped mountains beyond the Indiana fields and black beasts stalking her in the shadows, she tells herself . . . ? But when (I love Michelle’s suggestion because I could see the triangle set-up, but you need to show this, rather than tell us at the end) Ethan-her boyfriend’s elusive and totally sexy roommate-disappears, his journal describes the same experiences . . . and more. Terrifyingly more. The parallel world is ripping him from Indiana and threatening to devour him whole. How about: It wants Hazel, too (or something to tie this to her as well? It would be good to introduce Cory here, to cement the triangle.)
Now when Hazel sees that mountain world, she sees Ethan there…dead. Worse, she’s hearing haunting voices, falling out of sync with time, and dreaming that someone’s torturing Ethan. The black beasts chase her, grasping for her heels, her life. The parallel world wants to destroy her next. Her boyfriend Cory recognizes that world’s growing hold on her and he’s determined to save her…except she’s not sure she wants to be saved.
(I agree with Michelle: you confuse this when you suggest Ethan’s dead, unless you somehow suggest this parallel world is a potential world, rather than reality. She hears (vs is hearing, which filters). You also introduce dreams, which confuses me more. I think you need to make it clear if this world truly exists, or if it’s just her imagination. Does she ever go to that world? Also, why doesn’t she want to be saved? The alt. world sounds scary to me, so why does she want to go there? Is it Ethan’s draw/pull? If so, you need to make it clearer. How does Cory recognize the hold of the world on her if it’s just dreams and what she’s seeing? Does he see it as well?
I think you have a fun premise here. You just need to make things clearer in the query. All the best with your story.)
I have to also agree, I also can't work out if Ethan is dead, presumed dead or dead in a vision Hazel has.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I stopped even before that. I'm sure in the MS it all makes sense and is explained, but, why would Hazel, who is after all only the girlfriend of Ethan's roommate, end up with his journals? Regardless of the (possible) love-triangle, surely if Ethan has disappeared then his personal possessions would either be with the police or Ethan's family.
As I say, I'm sure this is all clear in the MS, but its not (to me) in the QL. Perhaps you could find a way to explain the connection between Ethan's and Hazel's visions/dreams (whatever they are), without mentioning the journals, as I think it would take too much to explain how Hazel has them.
Aside from that, there are the other issues. Like Michelle, I don't quite 'get' any sense of the love triangle, how/why Hazel is being drawn into this other world, or what the threat really is.