Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear Agent:
I saw your website that you love fairy tale retellings, and I think you would be interested in seeing my YA manuscript, Red: The Valerie Bennett Diaries. This novel showcases a more adult fairy tale but holds a whimsical spirit that captivated us as kids.
Dear Reader, I’m sorry to say the fairy tales you know are wrong. Red would know since she was there. When the Queen of Hearts goes missing, Red Riding Hood must stop the big, bad Wolf from seizing the crown. Witches and beasts are only a few creatures standing in her path, but the real danger might lie with whoever has captured the Queen.
Red visits classic figures like the Frog Prince and Snow White as she travels to regain the memories she has lost, but seems to care more about protecting the people the royals wish to step on. Her story is a new twist on the old battle for who will rule the fairest lands.
The tone is sometimes humorous, sometimes dark, but always digs deep to show who these fairy tale characters really are beyond the stories we all know. As requested from your guidelines, a synopsis and the first chapter are located below.
I am currently serving as a Creative Intern for Spencer Hill Press and Marketing/PR Intern for REUTS Publications and it would be a pleasure to send the full manuscript to you upon request. Most importantly, thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
With comments:
Dear Agent:
I saw on your website that you love fairy tale retellings, and I think you would be interested in
Dear Reader, I’m sorry to say the fairy tales you know are wrong. (You've gone out on a limb with a gimmicky start to your query. This could either really interest agents or really turn them off. It's going to depend on the agent. Perhaps see if this version gets results and if not go with a more conservative start.) Red would know (I'd avoid repeating 'know' and use something like 'tell' instead. Also this is a different tense than the rest. Red can tell you since she was there.) since she was there. When the Queen of Hearts goes missing, Red Riding Hood must stop the big, bad Wolf from seizing the crown. Witches and beasts are only a few of the creatures standing in her path, but the real danger
Red visits classic figures like the Frog Prince and Snow White as she travels to regain the memories she has lost, (You've drifted into telling about the story instead of crafting an enticing blurb. And the memory loss comes out of nowhere.) but seems to care more about protecting the people the royals wish to step on. Her story is a new twist on the old battle for who will rule the fairest lands. (I thought it was the 'fairest in the land', not the fairest land.) I'm not sure about the other side of the stakes. I know what Red wants to do, though I'm not sure why. But what happens if she fails?
Sounds like getting her memory back is Red's motivation. Here's a quick example:
Dear Reader, I’m sorry to say the fairy tales you know are wrong. Red can share the tale since she was there. When the Queen of Hearts goes missing, Red must stop the big, bad Wolf from seizing the crown. Saving the Queen is the only way Red can recover her memories, and no brainless witches or bullying beasts are going to stop her. But the real danger lies with whoever has captured the Queen.
Someone like The Frog Prince or Snow White hold the answers Red needs. She has no regrets against wring it out of them, because she discovers she's not the only one suffering. It's all about protecting the people the royals usually step on. If this tale's to have a happy ending, Red has to save the fairest of the land from blank or blank will happen.
The tone is sometimes humorous, sometimes dark, but always digs deep to show who these fairy tale characters really are beyond the stories we all know. (Try ...but always takes you deeper into the characters we all know. I always lean on the side of having a humorous query if your story is funny or a dark query if your story is dark. In other words show in your description the mood of your story instead of telling the agent. Your first sentence has that quirky humor, but then it vanishes.)As requested from your guidelines, a synopsis and the first chapter are located below. (But I'm not seeing the word count anywhere. That's a red--haha-- flag, though perhaps you're not finished.)
I am currently serving as a Creative Intern for Spencer Hill Press and Marketing/PR Intern for REUTS Publications and it would be a pleasure to send the full manuscript to you upon request.
Sincerely,
There's a lot to like here. This query starts out with a gimmicky and humorous opening, but then it loses it after the second sentence. I would try and keep that same voice all through the main description part of your query.
Add what will happen if Red fails and make sure you clarify exactly what Red wants.
Dear Reader, I’m sorry to say the fairy tales you know are wrong. Red would know since she was there. When the Queen of Hearts goes missing, Red Riding Hood must stop the big, bad Wolf from seizing the crown. Witches and beasts are only a few creatures standing in her path, but the real danger might lie with whoever has captured the Queen.
ReplyDelete(I’m intrigued by your non-standard query but worry, like Michelle, that agents won’t receive it well. I like her suggestion to try it out, but if you don’t get the response you’re looking for, consider a more traditional approach. I’m not keen on the “Dear Reader” part, only because it follows Dear Agent and seems wonky to me. Maybe consider starting with the “I’m sorry” part and leaving it off? I also suggest you make this all present: Red knows, since she was there, etc. Also consider adding her age.)
Red visits classic figures like the Frog Prince and Snow White as she travels to regain the memories she has lost, but seems to care more about protecting the people the royals wish to step on. Her story is a new twist on the old battle for who will rule the fairest lands.
The tone is sometimes humorous, sometimes dark, but always digs deep to show who these fairy tale characters really are beyond the stories we all know. As requested from your guidelines, a synopsis and the first chapter are located below.
(The above paragraphs read like a synopsis/a narrator telling us what happens; consider keeping it fully in Red’s voice and showing us what happens to Red in her quest to ?save the queen, ?regain memories; I’m not 100% sure what Red’s goal is. When you tell us what happens, it takes the impact out of your query. If you showed us in Red’s words, it would make it more exciting, in my opinion.)
Best of luck with this; it sounds like a fun story.
First off, you really don't tell us much. We don't know who Red is (as far as age, attitude, etc), we don't know why the Red Queen is missing, we really don't even know what the land is like. You mention the big black wolf like he's the major antagonist, is he? If he so...you need to mention him more often.
ReplyDeleteIf not, you need to tell us who the major antagonist is. Like Michelle said, you need to give us more of the stakes. I really don't know why Red is trying to do what she is trying to do, I really don't know who is bad, who is good, or what is happening.
Also, if you explained the fairy tale world a little better, things would be easier. Like this sentence, which seems rather confusing: (Red visits classic figures like the Frog Prince and Snow White as she travels to regain the memories she has lost, but seems to care more about protecting the people the royals wish to step on.)
Over all, the story seems very interesting, but it's hard to get an idea what it is from the query. Flesh it out more. It seems almost like it's two different stories, and like there are multiple voices in it.
Good luck!