Saturday, February 15, 2014

Critique Workshop #10: CHEMICALS COLLIDE

Title: Chemicals Collide
Genre: YA Contemporary
Word Count: 75,000

QUERY:

Sixteen-year-old Sara knows the name of every single cleaning product under the kitchen sink. She knows which to use before school and which to use after to ensure each day runs as efficiently as possible. Which isn’t an easy feat when you’re an only child living with your chronically OCD mother. But all of her self-preservation skills don’t tell her how to deal with Harvey, a boy who seems to pop up at the most inopportune moments.

Harvey is polite, intelligent, and even a little charming but Sara doesn’t have time for the Harvey’s of the world. She’s got her arms full with the dreadfully dull Tristan, who her mother adores, and bad boy Speedway racer Logan, who appeases Sara’s desperate need to rebel. In between being the perfect, immaculate daughter at home, and the exact opposite in town, Sara is starting to think that maybe anxiety runs in the family. With her first love and graduation on the line, Sara needs to get her life together before her shaky relationship with her mother collapses completely.

Chemicals Collide is a 75,000 word, young adult novel that delves into the world of obsessive-compulsive disorder. It tells the tale of a girl learning to stand on her own two feet with the help of those who want to build her up, not tear her down. 


FIRST 250:

Getting ready was exhausting.

The smell of chemicals filled the air and I struggled not to gag as I scoured the bottom of the shower. My wet hair hung on either side of my face, almost dangling in the suds as I leaned forward as far as possible without actually entering the stall. The bathroom was already immaculate but if I left without removing the watermarks, my mother would panic and spend the rest of the afternoon doing a job I could do in five minutes.

My phone buzzed to life on the counter and I wiped my hands on my towel before stretching out to grab it with my fingertips. “Hello?”

“You’re late, Sara.”

I closed my eyes and cursed under my breath. “I’m sorry, Tahina. We were supposed to meet for ice-cream, weren’t we?”

“Fifteen minutes ago. So come on, lay it on me, what’s your excuse?”

“Um…” I glanced around the bathroom. How could I even begin to explain that I was wrapped in a towel, up to my elbows in suds, and not even close to being ready?

“Actually no,” Tahina interrupted, her voice cheerful, even over the phone. “I don’t want to know. You can make it up to me by coming to the Speedway tonight.”

My mouth dropped open. “What? No. Tahina, I hate the Speedway.”

“You’ve never even been to the Speedway,” she reminded me.

“I know, but…” All of that dirt, all of that dust, my mum would have a fit!

6 comments:

  1. I love this premise!

    What I've done is copy/pasted your query below. My comments are in caps, not to yell at you, but to help them stand out.

    Sixteen-year-old Sara knows the name of [[every single--ALL SEVENTEEN (BE SPECIFIC BECAUSE WE KNOW *MOM* IS.) cleaning product under the kitchen sink. She knows which to use before school and which to use after to ensure each day runs as efficiently as possible. [[A PREFERENCE THING HERE. I'D USE 'NOT' IF YOU WANT THE STAND ALONE SENTENCE. WITH THE 'WHICH' I WANT THE COMMA. Which isn’t an easy feat when you’re an only child living with your chronically OCD mother. But all of [[her--SARA (TO MAKE IT CLEAR NOT REFERRING TO THE MOTHER) self-preservation skills don’t tell her how to deal with Harvey, a boy who seems to pop up at the most inopportune moments.

    Harvey is polite, intelligent, and even a little charming but Sara doesn’t have time for the Harvey’s of the world. She’s got her arms full with the dreadfully dull Tristan, who her mother adores, and bad boy Speedway racer Logan, who appeases Sara’s desperate need to rebel. In between being the perfect, immaculate daughter at home, and the exact opposite in [[town--MAYBE A HINT WHERE WE ARE? NW, CANADA? SOUTH?), Sara [[is starting to think--FEARS? BELIEVES? that maybe anxiety runs in the family--WHY???. With her first love and graduation on the line, Sara needs to get her life together before her shaky relationship with her mother collapses completely.--WHY WILL IT COLLAPSE? SOME HINT, PLEASE. DOES THE MOTHER FIND OUT SHE'S RUNNING WILD AND LOSE IN TOWN? WHAT?

    Chemicals Collide is a 75,000 word, young adult novel (SET IN???) that delves into the world of obsessive-compulsive disorder. [[[[[It tells the tale of a girl learning to stand on her own two feet with the help of those who want to build her up, not tear her down. --I'D SAY TO *SHOW* THIS IN THE FIRST PART ABOVE, RATHER THAN TELL IT. SO I SUGGEST DELETING.]]

    Your 250: Describe the 'chemical' smell. Do they have to be lemon? Pine? Do the fragrances burn her nose? What?

    In paragraph #2: I suggest removing: almost, actually, already.

    In paragraph #3: I suggest removing: stretching out to grab it with my fingertips and replace with: before grabbing it.

    I love the ending because we might even believe that it's Sara who'd have the fit and not her mom. Well done.

    Good luck with this!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like how the daily routine is based on the chemicals needed to get through the day, and this parallels the chemical reactions of the boys in Sara’s life. She needs the rough, abrasive bad-boy scourer, the all-purpose cleaner is Tristan, and then you have Harvey, this quirky potion she’s not sure what to do with. It’s an interesting chemical equation for romance.

    How is graduation being threatened? Is it right around the corner? Sixteen, or should the character be a senior, seventeen or eighteen? I guess it depends on when her birthday is and what the cutoffs are for school. She might have skipped a grade, but I think the routines might make it hard to keep your grades up. Is that's what's on the line here?

    What are the first-love stakes? Is Tristan an obsession for the mom? Is he the only one for her in an OCD type of way? Is the bad boy the equivalent of water marks in the shower? I like how the first love is just coming into play now. It shows that she hasn't had much time to think about boys or her future.

    I also really like the worry connected with "am I going to be like her"? I think that would be a very real fear for Sara and teens in this situation.

    I think you did a great job setting up how much these chemicals and daily routines are a burden for Sarah. She’s always late. Something she can do in minutes might paralyze her mother. You instantly want more for Sarah. Will Sarah be able to leave home and move forward into her new life?

    How independent is the mother? And how ugly does it get if routines are not done by the letter?

    The chemical term that comes to mind here is “catalyst.” What’s going to spark change for Sara?

    Good luck,

    Shawn (#12 DARKENWEAR) @ShawnTWrites on Twitter

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like this.

    Sixteen-year-old Sara knows the name of every single cleaning product under the kitchen sink. (As a compulsive cleaner I like this!) She knows which to use before school and which to use after to ensure each day runs as efficiently as possible (The end of this sentence tripped me up. I’m thinking it applied to school somehow. Maybe a small change: ‘to ensure efficiency at home’). Which isn’t an easy feat when you’re an only child living with your(change to ‘a’?) chronically OCD mother(You use mum down below. Consider using it in the query too. It adds voice.) . But all of her(Sara’s) self-preservation skills don’t tell her how to deal with Harvey, a boy who seems(‘seems’ weakens ‘a boy who pops up’) to pop up at the most inopportune moments.

    Harvey is polite, intelligent, and even a little charming but Sara doesn’t have time for the Harvey’s of the world. She’s got her arms full with the dreadfully dull Tristan, who her mother adores, and bad boy Speedway racer Logan, who appeases Sara’s desperate need to rebel. In between being the perfect, immaculate daughter at home, and the exact opposite in town, Sara is starting to think that maybe(‘starting to think’ cuts the need for this ‘maybe’) anxiety runs in the family. With her first love and graduation on the line, Sara needs to get her life together before her shaky relationship with her mother collapses completely. (My only suggestion here is to consider adding specific details to her rebellion. What does Sara do exactly?)

    Chemicals Collide is a 75,000 word, young adult (Contemporary) novel that delves into the world of obsessive-compulsive disorder. It tells the tale of a girl learning to stand on her own two feet with the help of those who want to build her up, not tear her down.


    FIRST 250:

    Getting ready was exhausting.

    The smell of chemicals filled the air and I struggled not to gag as I scoured the bottom of the shower. My wet hair hung on either side of my face, almost dangling in the suds as I leaned forward as far as possible without actually entering the stall. The bathroom was already immaculate but if I left without removing the watermarks, my mother would panic and spend the rest of the afternoon doing a job I could do in five minutes.

    My phone buzzed to life on the counter(comma?) and I wiped my hands on my towel before stretching out to grab it with my fingertips. “Hello?”

    “You’re late, Sara.”

    I closed my eyes and cursed under my breath. “I’m sorry, Tahina. We were supposed to meet for ice-cream, weren’t we?(This sentence feels like feeding the reader. Maybe: ‘The ice cream shop! I’m sorry, Tahina.’)”

    “Fifteen minutes ago. So come on, lay it on me, what’s your excuse?”

    “Um…” I glanced around the bathroom. How could I even begin to explain (being wrapped in a towel) that I was wrapped in a towel, up to my elbows in suds, and not even close to being(cut being?) ready?

    “Actually no,” Tahina interrupted, her voice cheerful, even over the phone. “I don’t want to know. You can make it up to me by coming to the Speedway tonight.”

    My mouth dropped open(cut ‘open’). “What? No. Tahina, I hate the Speedway.”

    “You’ve never even been to the Speedway,” she reminded me.

    “I know, but…” All of that dirt, all of that dust, my mum would have a fit! (You might be able to cut the ‘of’s in this sentence.)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I like this. I like the premise, I like the way I can feel the way this is going to boil over (because something has to give!). I don't have a lot to add to this except I'd like some specific details. I'd like to know how many cleaning products are under the sink (and which way the labels have to be turned!) because she would know them all by heart. I'd like to know more about the three boys, or maybe why the three boys are causing trouble for her. Harvey pops up at inopportune times: like what exactly? does he distract her at the store so she accidentally picks up a generic cleaning product that she didn't notice because the label was really similar, but her mother is going to blow a gasket when she finds out?

    Along those likes, I also think a little bit of showing might give you more distance in the opening scene (I'm not saying I don't like it, but I think it could be better). Right now, your opening page is about how tiring it is that she has to clean all the time. What if she is cleaning the bathroom--late as usual--but the cleaning product is actually empty. And to fool her mom last time, she filled the bottom with a little bit of water, so it seemed like there was chemical in there. Now, she's late, she doesn't have the stuff she needs, and her mother is going to tear her a new one. Which is to say, I feel like you could intensify the opening scene.

    I like the premise, and I think you can do a lot with it. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Interesting premise. I could see this doing well!

    QUERY
    I really like your Query and think it's strong. The only thing I can think of is in the second paragraph you mention:

    "With her first love and graduation on the line, Sara needs to get her life together before her shaky relationship with her mother collapses completely"

    I would expand a little more on that sentence. You imply she has a "first love' but I didn't get that from any of the descriptions of the guys. so I'm not sure what you mean by that. I think you should touch more on her relationship with her Mother also. Why will it collapse? What's bringing it to that point?

    FIRST 250

    I like your opening scene but I noticed a couple of times that you were telling more than showing, for example:

    The last sentence of the opening paragraph "my mother would panic and spend the rest of the afternoon doing a job I could do in five minutes"

    and

    "We were supposed to meet for ice-cream, weren’t we?” - I felt that this was written more for the reader. A simple fix would be "The ice-cream store...I'm sorry, I completely forgot!" (something more along the lines of what you would really say to friend in this instance - just a suggestion ;-)

    Otherwise, I really like both the Query and your first 250. Great Job!!

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I very much like the idea of this. To me, the second paragraph of your query reads a wee bit clunky. All of a sudden you are introducing a bunch of secondary characters, and I felt this muddled up your plot a bit. But that may just be me.

    I agree with Karen above, regarding the showing vs. telling. That being said, I am fine with the mom panicking line, especially when coupled with her scrub down of the shower. I really felt her emotions in that instance.

    I think there is a definite need to this type of novel. I wish you much success!!

    ReplyDelete