Title: The Fourth Generation
Genre: YA Dystopian
Wordcount: 72,000
Query:
Gorin is only two months from his seventeenth birthday, certain death thanks to the birth-transmitted disease that devastated the world a hundred years ago. His job is to find artifacts—books, computers, etc.—in Middleton, Pennsylvania and deliver them to his faction leader, who transports them to the mansion. At the manor the rulers study the artifacts to try to invent a cure and rediscover electricity, an almighty force from the Old World that made life way easier.
Naturally curious, Gorin wishes he could spend his last days studying those artifacts, and just once lay his eyes on the whopping supply of extraordinary objects at the rulers’ mysterious mansion before he dies…But no—both are strictly prohibited and punishable by death.
So when Gorin fails to win his last chance to go on a tour of the manor, he and his friend Marf sneak a peek at the incredible mansion at night. A steady, unnaturally bright light exudes from it. The rulers have electricity! Further inspection reveals they have a cure to the plague, too, and they’ve been selfishly keeping both to themselves for generations. Worse yet, Gorin and Marf are discovered during their spy act. Now with massive bounties on their heads, they try to break into the heavily guarded mansion to gather evidence of the rulers’ deceit and save everybody in town from their tragically short lives.
I raced up the eight floors of the dingy downtown apartment with record-breaking speed for the third time that day. Not bad for a guy who’d had the god-awful plague eat away at him all sixteen years of his life. My empty backpack bounced airily on my shoulders, my feet landing just in front of the steps’ worn, chipped edges.
The rest of the Valuable Objects had better still be there. Worth a ton of prestige points, they could be just enough to finally push my faction into the top spot of The Tournament of Prestige this year. But if somebody else found them while I was gone…
At last I made it to the eighth floor. My chest heaved as I sucked in breath.
Scat—the second door on the right stood wide open! Not good. My heart rate doubled as I crept up to the door so quietly a bug a millimeter from my feet wouldn’t have felt the vibration.
I peeked inside the room.
Mother of scat. A boy as big and strong as me stood in front of the old wooden cabinets on the left side of the room, his side facing me. He had blotchy, dark gray skin, so was about my age, too.
The cabinet doors were in-laid with glass, so you could see inside them. They were empty. Sure enough, the boy started to turn away from them. I jerked my head back into the hallway, then peeked back in.
Naturally curious, Gorin wishes he could spend his last days studying those artifacts, and just once lay his eyes on the whopping supply of extraordinary objects at the rulers’ mysterious mansion before he dies…But no—both are strictly prohibited and punishable by death.
So when Gorin fails to win his last chance to go on a tour of the manor, he and his friend Marf sneak a peek at the incredible mansion at night. A steady, unnaturally bright light exudes from it. The rulers have electricity! Further inspection reveals they have a cure to the plague, too, and they’ve been selfishly keeping both to themselves for generations. Worse yet, Gorin and Marf are discovered during their spy act. Now with massive bounties on their heads, they try to break into the heavily guarded mansion to gather evidence of the rulers’ deceit and save everybody in town from their tragically short lives.
First 250
I raced up the eight floors of the dingy downtown apartment with record-breaking speed for the third time that day. Not bad for a guy who’d had the god-awful plague eat away at him all sixteen years of his life. My empty backpack bounced airily on my shoulders, my feet landing just in front of the steps’ worn, chipped edges.
The rest of the Valuable Objects had better still be there. Worth a ton of prestige points, they could be just enough to finally push my faction into the top spot of The Tournament of Prestige this year. But if somebody else found them while I was gone…
At last I made it to the eighth floor. My chest heaved as I sucked in breath.
Scat—the second door on the right stood wide open! Not good. My heart rate doubled as I crept up to the door so quietly a bug a millimeter from my feet wouldn’t have felt the vibration.
I peeked inside the room.
Mother of scat. A boy as big and strong as me stood in front of the old wooden cabinets on the left side of the room, his side facing me. He had blotchy, dark gray skin, so was about my age, too.
The cabinet doors were in-laid with glass, so you could see inside them. They were empty. Sure enough, the boy started to turn away from them. I jerked my head back into the hallway, then peeked back in.
What a really interesting concept!
ReplyDeleteI would avoid use of the word "try" in the query. You have it twice, and I think it weakens both sentences. Channel your inner Yoda: There is no try. Instead, consider "The rulers use these artifacts on their path to rediscovering electricity, part of their quest to find the cure." or "Now . . . they must break into the heavily. . ." "Must" also gives it a sense of urgency, because their mission is pretty darn important.
Don't just say "naturally curious." Show us that he's curious and tell us why he wants to see the artifacts.
"Gorin's last wish is to get a peek at those artifacts, fulfilling his lifelong dream of...." (or something). Everyone probably wants to see the artifacts, so what makes Gorin special?
There's also a bit of a disconnect for me, because you say that his job is to find these things and that he's desperate to study them. That makes me wonder why he doesn't just spend a couple of days studying what he's found before handing them over. They may be a way to clarify that part.
In the first 250 - doesn't everyone have the plague? Record-setting runs against a town full of sick people doesn't stand out. And how bad can it be if he's still alive after 16 years? Something like "Not bad for someone dying of the plague in two months" would work better for me.
"The rest of the Valuable Objects had better still be there." This sentence doesn't really work for me. It doesn't seem to flow right with the rest of the character's voice. Something like "I rushed to check my Valuable Objects" could work better. Or he could see/hear something that triggers an "Oh, no!" and leads into the rush. Just some ideas.
I also think the writing could be tightened up a bit. Use more active verbs. Remove unnecessary words (for example, "crept up" could just be "crept", you don't need "wide open" and "just" can usually be deleted). Not only will that make the writing flow better, but you may be able to get another sentence into your first 250.
For the query:
ReplyDelete1. The part about having electricity and having a cure for the plague kinda threw me because the electricity thing has an exclamation point, drawing attention to it, but the cure for the plague would be the most exciting discovery, right? I would try to make it stronger that Gorin discovers that the government has a cure for the plague that could save his life and has been keeping it from the people. He's about to die in 2 months.
2. I think your query has a great concept and explanation for why everyone is young adult. Great stakes too.
For the 250:
1. Good. I suppose later on we will get more detail on the plague and its effects on people, besides killing them.
2. Backpack bounced "airily." Is that adjective necessary?
3. How does Gorin feel about dying in 2 months? He seems focused on the artifacts, but he's about to die. Is he just resigned to the fate? Perhaps this will come later too.
Interesting premise! I like it. The tough job for you is that right now the market is saturated with dystopian - so yours REALLY has to stand out of the crowd to make an agent notice.
ReplyDeleteQuery:
Your last paragraph is where the "meat" of your query lies- the conflict and stakes are pretty clear.
The first two paragraphs lean too heavily toward synopsis. You need to hook us - and you have a great hook in that you have a society that is genetically programmed to die at age 17, but these two teens discover there's a cure and a way to live a longer life. The problem is their leaders are keeping that cure to themselves, along with other life prolonging luxuries, like electricity. Get to your conflict and stakes quickly.
First 250:
I like where you're headed with this, but I felt the first two paragraphs were too heavy with adjectives. The atmosphere should be in the tension over whether Gorin will get there first. Tension escalates when he discovers the other boy -- I like how you describe the boys face - nice.
Good luck!
Something about this query is bugging me, but I can't hit on exactly what. Maybe the fact that much of the query is focused on the artifacts and the mansion. That seems to be a wrong direction. It's the rulers that are the real problem as we discover in the third paragraph. Try rewriting with the focus on the rulers instead.
ReplyDeleteQuery:
Gorin is only two months from his seventeenth birthday, certain death thanks to the birth-transmitted disease that devastated the world a hundred years ago.(What kind of disease hits exactly when you turn 17?) His job is to find artifacts—books, computers, etc.—in Middleton, Pennsylvania and deliver them to his faction leader, who transports them to the mansion.(If I was going to die in 2 months, I wouldn’t worry about a job. Maybe make it apparent sooner that this might save his life.) At the manor the rulers study the artifacts to try to invent a cure and rediscover electricity, an almighty force from the Old World that made life way easier. (How can they run the computers he finds without electricity? How are the rulers still alive? Are they older than 17? Doesn’t the disease affect everyone?)
(Keeping it on the rulers: Gorin is only two months from his seventeenth birthday and termination date. A birth-transmitted disease swept over the world a hundred years ago in the same devastation that wiped out electricity. The rulers set him and his village to finding artifacts—book and computers, etc—which might hold a cure and the key to bringing back the power.)
Naturally curious, Gorin wishes he could spend his last days studying those artifacts, and just once lay his eyes on the whopping supply of extraordinary objects at the rulers’ mysterious mansion before he dies…But no—both are strictly prohibited and punishable by death. (But he’s going to die anyway so why be afraid?)
So when Gorin fails to win his last chance to go on a tour of the manor, he and his friend Marf sneak a peek at the incredible mansion at night. A steady, unnaturally bright light exudes from it. The rulers have electricity!(Which explains why they want the computers.) Further inspection reveals they have a cure to the plague, too, and they’ve been selfishly keeping both to themselves for generations(Ah. I knew it. Otherwise they would be dead too. However I’m wondering why no one learned this sooner. What did they have to lose? They are all going to die anyway.). Worse yet, Gorin and Marf are discovered during their spy act. Now with massive bounties on their heads, they try to break into the heavily guarded mansion to gather evidence of the rulers’ deceit and save everybody in town from their tragically short lives.
I'm not sure what the point is to the competition to get artifacts. Wouldn't they be better off if they all worked together instead of competed against each other?
ReplyDeleteFirst 250
I raced up the eight floors of the dingy downtown apartment with record-breaking speed for the third time that day. Not bad for a guy who’d had the god-awful plague eat away at him all sixteen years of his life. My empty backpack bounced airily on my shoulders, my feet landing just in front of the steps’ worn, chipped edges. (Approaching death is a great motivator. Just to give a hook to it.)
The rest of the Valuable Objects had better still be there. Worth a ton of prestige points, they could be just enough to finally push my faction into the top spot of The Tournament of Prestige this year. But if somebody else found them while I was gone…(Sort of wondering what would be left to collect after 100 years.)
At last I made it to the eighth floor. My chest heaved as I sucked in breath.
Scat—the second door on the right stood wide open! Not good. My heart rate doubled as I crept up to the door so quietly a bug a millimeter from my feet wouldn’t have felt the vibration.
I peeked inside the room.
Mother of scat. A boy as big and strong as me stood in front of the old wooden cabinets on the left side of the room, his side facing me(Don’t think we need the detail of ‘facing me.’). He had blotchy, dark gray skin, so was(marking him as) about my age, too(Cut ‘too’).
The cabinet doors were in-laid with glass, so you could see inside them(The inlaid glass cabinet doors let you see inside). They were empty.(Empty.) Sure enough, the boy started to turn away from them. I jerked my head back into the hallway, then peeked(He’s peeked already.) back in.
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI think your opening paragraph would be stronger if you put the rulers’ search for a cure (and electricity) right after the opening sentence. Also, you could simplify your second sentence. Is it crucial to know we are in Middleton, Pennsylvania and that he gives the artefacts to his faction leader who in turn takes them to the mansion?
The second paragraph could be simplified and merged with the third. Gorin wants to see the stuff before he dies. It’s off limits, but he tries to get a look anyway.
It’s only in the third paragraph that you get down to the real action – Gorin sneak-peaks at the mansion, is discovered and now has not only a bounty on his head but also has to try and get hold of the cure before he dies.
I really like the first 250 and can’t find anything to say there. Looks good to me.
Hope any of this helps.
Good luck!
Mayken
I really like this concept! I think the query is pretty good, but I feel like there's a little too much about the artifacts. Maybe put a little more detail about this disease? And maybe instead of the long explanation about taking the artifacts to their faction leaders who then take them to the mansion, do something like "all artifacts that are collected end up in the mansion with the rulers." Skipping a step, but we will get the gist that way.
ReplyDeleteI really like the first 250. I think the detail is great and there's action going on, so we're drawn in, wanting to read on. All around this is great!
Good luck!