Monday, February 10, 2014

Critique Workshop #7: LOVE IS FAKE, YOU KNOW

Title: LOVE IS FAKE, YOU KNOW
Genre: YA LGBT Coming-of-Age
Word Count: 93,000

Query:

Morgan’s confusion doesn’t lie in the realm of sexuality—no, it feels pretty natural for every daydream and nightmare to include both genders. The real problem is figuring out how to fit into the mold of “high school student” while battling a touchy-feely brother, memories of a step-dad who whistled when he threw punches, and unscrupulous partners with the single goal, it seems, of further degradation. Torn between seeking the familiar and rising above a homophobic hometown in Ohio, Morgan must learn how to give in to temptation without losing control—or else settle for a life riddled with depression and angst. The solution? Create new definitions of morality that ignore society’s expectations. Dignity not required.

Love Is Fake, You Know is a journey through those unforgettably awkward high school years, culminating in Morgan’s coming-of-age and sexual awakening. It is never above leaving out the embarrassing details of a public rejection after a kiss that makes the world stop turning, losing innocence to an emotionless one-night stand, and resorting to self-harm to cope with harsh realities. What Morgan doesn’t realize is that love—that obnoxious concept that can’t possibly be real—might actually be attainable with a little bit of trust and vigilance.

But there’s a catch to this brutally honest Bildungsroman—the reader never learns the gender of the main character. After all, Morgan’s story could be anyone’s.

The manuscript is complete at 93,000 words. Due to its themes and tone, Love Is Fake, You Know will appeal to young adult readers ofThe Perks of Being a Wallflower and The Catcher in the Rye


First 250:

6-24-02, Monday, 5:03 AM
I have a weird secret ambition that this journal will be discovered and I’ll end up like Anne Frank or something. Except nothing I write flows quite like Anne’s stuff did. And with any luck I won’t be dying any time soon.

What pushed me over the edge toward writing tonight was a fight with Jacob. We were having a pretty normal conversation about how we can’t wait for band camp when out of nowhere he asked where I wanted to sneak off to when we got there. I sputtered until the only words I could think of came out: “To do what?”

“C’mon Morgan, you know what I wanna do.”

I told him I wasn’t ready to “do stuff.” I have no idea where his idea even came from. I mean, we’ve only been going out for 55 days! He hasn’t even kissed me yet.

His response came out as a hiss through the earpiece: “Don’t act like you’re not easier than that.” I’d never heard him use that tone. It didn’t suit him. What prompted this?

When I firmly told him that I’m just not like that, he seemed to realize his mistake. He apologized a million times and said he was sooooo sorry and that he absolutely does not think of me as “easy.” It’s not that I don't believe him...I really do trust him. It was just a misunderstanding, right?

And honestly, I’m still not sure what he wants to do at band camp.

7 comments:

  1. I love the idea of a teenage love story where the gender of the main character isn't ever disclosed.

    The "It didn't suit him. What prompted this?" don't fit the rest of the MC's voice. It's too formal, and doesn't really sound like something a teenager would say. I don't think you need the "at band camp" at the end. I also wonder if there's a way to include a hint of the MC's age, because I find myself wondering. Maybe refer to Jacob as an older man? Or something like "We'd only been going out since the end of freshman year."?

    Also, if Morgan is in high school, I may need a little more to buy that s/he doesn't know what's going to happen when sneaking away with a partner. It doesn't necessarily have to be immediate, but a scene showing that Morgan is sheltered would go a long way.

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  2. I love the twist that you never find out the narrator's gender! That's awesome.

    Query - I feel like this query is currently a little light on details. It gives a great general sense of the theme and the general sort of challenges Morgan faces, but I have no idea of the specific conflict(s) in the book. "Morgan must learn how to give in to temptation without losing control" is very vague -- what does that mean? Clearly this book is thematically about Morgan's search for identity (and for not needing to conform to others' ideas of what that identity should be), but I have no idea what form that takes. Is there an antagonist more specific than a general background of homophobia? Are there love triangles (or other polyhedrons), or other romantic developments/challenges/complications? Basically, what's the external plot, beyond the internal character arc?

    First 250 - I'd cut the "nothing I write flows like Anne Frank's did" line -- that invites agents to make their own judgment on that front a little early in the sample.

    I love the dialogue -- it's really strong, and you get character and conflict across really nicely without pushing it too hard.

    Also love the last line about still not being sure what he wants to do! Very honest.

    The voice here is great!

    Good luck with this!

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  3. I feel like the first paragraph is your query and the rest is all TELLING about the book. You need to expand on the first paragraph and get all the key things into two paragraphs there. Focus on the character and what he/she wants. What keeps them from getting it? What happens if they get it wrong?

    Morgan’s (This is YA so you need an age.) confusion doesn’t lie in the realm of sexuality—no, it feels pretty natural for every daydream and nightmare to include both genders. The real problem is figuring out how to fit into the mold of “high school student” while battling a touchy-feely brother, memories of a step-dad who whistled when he threw punches, and unscrupulous partners with the single goal, it seems, of further degradation. Torn between seeking the familiar and rising above a homophobic hometown in Ohio, Morgan must learn how to give in to temptation without losing control—or else settle for a life riddled with depression and angst. The solution? Create new definitions of morality that ignore society’s expectations. Dignity not required.

    Love Is Fake, You Know (All Caps for a title) is a journey through those unforgettably awkward high school years, culminating in Morgan’s coming-of-age and sexual awakening. It is never above leaving out the embarrassing details of a public rejection after a kiss that makes the world stop turning, losing innocence to an emotionless one-night stand, and resorting to self-harm to cope with harsh realities. What Morgan doesn’t realize is that love—that obnoxious concept that can’t possibly be real—might actually be attainable with a little bit of trust and vigilance. (You spend a lot of time telling us what is in the book here instead of showing it in the query above. Telling us would be in bold if the comment would let me. I’d make this paragraph about the genre and word count and move all the rest to give us a better back cover blurb that entices.)

    But there’s a catch to this brutally honest Bildungsroman—the reader never learns the gender of the main character. After all, Morgan’s story could be anyone’s. (Interesting. I’d keep this after the genre/word count line. LOVE IS FAKE, YOU KNOW is a YA LGBT Coming of Age complete at 93,000 words. Part about no genre of MC. It will appeal to young adult readers of …)

    The manuscript is complete at 93,000 words. Due to its themes and tone, Love Is Fake, You Know will appeal to young adult readers ofThe Perks of Being a Wallflower and The Catcher in the Rye.

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  4. First 250:

    6-24-02, Monday, 5:03 AM
    I have a weird secret ambition that this journal will be discovered and I’ll end up like Anne Frank or something. Except nothing I write flows quite like Anne’s stuff did. And with any luck I won’t be dying any time soon. (Nice voice.)

    What pushed me over the edge toward writing tonight was a fight with Jacob. We were having a pretty normal conversation about how we can’t wait for band camp when out of nowhere he asked where I wanted to sneak off to when we got there. I sputtered until the only words I could think of came out (Kind of awkward. I sputtered until words emerged, “To do what?” and you need a comma, not a colon.): “To do what?”

    “C’mon Morgan, you know what I wanna do.”

    I told him I wasn’t ready to “do stuff.” I have no idea where his idea even came from. I mean, we’ve only been going out for 55 days! He hasn’t even kissed me yet. (That seems a long time without kissing. But hard to judge without an age in the query.)

    His response came out as a hiss through the earpiece: “Don’t act like you’re not easier than that.” I’d never heard him use that tone. It didn’t suit him. What prompted this?

    When I firmly told him that I’m just not like that, he seemed to realize his mistake. He apologized a million times and said he was sooooo sorry and that he absolutely does not think of me as “easy.” It’s not that I don't believe him...I really do trust him. It was just a misunderstanding, right?

    And honestly, I’m still not sure what he wants to do at band camp.

    (Keeping in mind that I don’t read much contemporary or YA--What worries me is that this seems to meander, almost making a point and then running away from it. It also has a very attitude-driven YA voice that rambles and might become tiresome over time. This one is going to be really subjective. People will like it or hate it. I’m probably not the best person to help with this one as it's far outside my taste.)

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  5. I echo everyone else - love the concept of not knowing gender of MC. Fantastic.
    First, a general thought:
    93K is a lot of words. Most agents will tell you that YA shouldn't be longer than 90K, and even that is longish. Yes, there is definitely a lot of long YA on the shelves - but most often those books are by authors whose work has already sold (!)
    Query:
    Echoing what others have said: you give us an interesting thematic overview of your novel, but that's not what the query is for. Agents are looking for hook, conflict, and stakes. That's pretty much all they want there.
    They're also looking for voice, and I thought the voice in the query was much more formal than Morgan's actual voice. "realm of sexuality", "Create new definitions of morality that ignore society’s expectations" - those sound more textbook than teenager, at least to me.
    Try reading it out loud to yourself to see if it sounds natural coming out of your mouth. If you're tempted to say it differently, as you would in conversation, write it that way too.
    First 250
    I liked the way Morgan's voice came out here. Nicely done. Someone already mentioned the Anne Frank line; I agree. Also this line: "What pushed me over the edge toward writing tonight was a fight with Jacob." Didn't sound quite natural, especially for someone who keeps a journal. Pushing over the edge implies you do it only when you're forced or desperate, but (as we know!) someone who loves to write does it with very little provocation.
    Good luck!
    Heather (EXQUISITE SENSES)

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  6. Thank you everyone for the detailed feedback! It's been very helpful and you've given me a lot to think about :).

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  7. You hooked we with not knowing the gender. I love the premise of retelling the coming-of-age high school experience from a perspective where you can't tell whether the POV is male or female. That being said, I felt Morgan was skewing toward being a female from the first 250 words. Maybe don't define the relationship as going out for only 55 days. Let it be ambiguous. Based on the age of the character, I'd be surprised if the character didn't know what Jacob wanted to do at band camp.

    I agree, the dialogue is strong, and I would imagine that there would need to be a great deal of internal dialogue to make this work. I loved the voice. It was strong to start with the Anne Frank reference, but I agree with the critique above that suggested not leading with her writing. Maybe say something like, "but I'm not being persecuted by Nazis, or am I." That might set the tone for the homophobic town or mean girls/guys at school. The sexual awakening element to the story would feel that frightening and dangerous for your MC.

    A very interesting read!

    Good luck,

    Shawn (DARKENWEAR)

    ReplyDelete